Hero Wanted

by Dan McGirt

  “Do it quickly,” she said. “I will not beg for my life.”

  “I’m not going to kill you.”

  “What then? I will take my own life before I will be a slave.”

  “No need for that. I want your Blood Vow never to serve the Dark Magic Society again and to aid me in this present battle. Then you’re free to go.”

  “Who are you to speak of Blood Vows, peasant?”

  “I’ve read the tales. The Blood Vow is an ancient tradition. It is my prerogative as the victor to spare you on condition of your oath.”

  “I know what a Blood Vow is, but no one actually does them anymore. They went out of fashion centuries ago.”

  “Well, now they’re back in style. Unless you prefer to die.”

  Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “I have done nothing but try to kill you since first we met. I have insulted you, wounded you, and now I am at your mercy—yet you offer to spare me with honor. Why?”

  “First, because I’m the hero here, like it or not. Second, because despite your evil choice of allies, you at least have a sense of honor. Third—and most important—I need all the help I can get. Will you swear?”

  Natalia nodded. “Upon my blood as a warrior, I will nevermore willingly serve the Dark Magic Society and I will aid you in this present pass as a true ally, Jason Cosmo.”

  “Then, warrior sworn, take up your sword.” I purposefully turned my back to her. Merc said Natalia was utterly ruthless, but honored her bargains. I hoped he was right.

  “Woman,” said Asmodraxas. “Slay Cosmo now and all you desire shall be yours when I am free.”

  I tensed as I heard Natalia retrieve her sword and approach me. I almost turned to face her, ready to renew our battle.

  Then she was there beside me.

  “We are allies, Cosmo. For now.”

  “Slay him!” commanded Asmodraxas, speaking with such authority that I was tempted to slay myself. “Slay him and you shall be Queen of All Arden!”

  Ignoring the Demon Lord, we approached the table where the wizards dueled. The sheer force of their magic prevented us from drawing too near. Oblivious to all else, they were locked into a deadly struggle that only one could survive. Natalia and I were as unable to affect the outcome as Asmodraxas himself.

  “Is this your card?” said Mercury.

  “Yes, curse you!”

  “I’m winning.”

  “My turn. Cut the deck!”

  “Done.”

  “Pick a card, any card.”

  “Okay.”

  “Look at your card. Memorize it. Replace it.”

  “Done.”

  “I will now set the deck on fire and scatter the ashes.” Erimandras did so.

  “What’s the trick?”

  Erimandras lifted a pinch of ash, which became a whole card in his hand. He laid it facedown on the table. “That is your card!” he said triumphantly.

  Merc turned the card over. “No, it isn’t.”

  “Of course it is!”

  “I drew the three of puppies. This is the six of cabbages.”

  “You lie!”

  “You lose.”

  “No! It is impossible. Impossible! That must be your card! It must! You cheated! You had to! No! No! Nooooooooooo!”

  Erimandras’s final scream faded like an echo as his body evaporated. Even as his form dissipated into wispy streamers, he clawed his way back up the dais. Merc made no move to pursue him.

  Asmodraxas frowned in disgust. “You have failed me, Erimandras. I am sorely disappointed. I had thought you would free me from my long imprisonment.”

  “Master...it is not yet finished!” said Erimandras, his pleading voice no louder than a memory of a whisper. The Overmaster’s form had almost completely boiled away into milky mist.

  “Yes, it is. You employed the Cards of Power and you were bested.”

  The Overmaster’s body disappeared. His empty robes lay in a heap on the floor between the thrones of the Three. Asmodraxas shifted his awful gaze to Merc.

  “You, Mercury Boltblaster, will take his place as Overmaster. I will share with you my ancient wisdom. You will rule Arden in my name, as one of your power should. You have but to slay mine enemy, the hated Champion. Do it, wizard, and join me.”

  “Tempting,” said Mercury, stroking his chin.

  “Hey!” I protested.

  “Your voice almost compels obedience, Archdemon. But I have no wish to rule the world. Nor to speak with you further.” He gestured. The shattered bulk of the Perilous Pulp-Grinder rose into the air.

  “What are you doing?” demanded Asmodraxas. “No! You must not destroy the Mirror! You must not leave me once more lost in this void, unable to communicate, powerless to influence events. Name it, wizard, and anything you desire shall be yours!”

  “I desire you to shut up.”

  The torture machine slammed into the mirror. It shattered into a waterfall of glass. The black flames in the pit winked out.

  “Is it over?” I asked.

  “Not yet,” said Merc. “We still have to get out of here.”

  The ghosts of Marn returned—but they were different now. Their spectral wounds were healed, their missing body parts restored. They manifested in happy pastels, not dreary grey. The spirits swirled happily around me like a great ectoplasmic carousel, gradually rising to streak through the ceiling, presumably bound for the Blessed Halls of Paradise.

  “An encouraging sign,” said Merc.

  “What manner of man are you?” demanded Natalia.

  I didn’t try to answer. I wasn’t sure I knew the answer.

  “The Ruling Conclave will return,” said Merc. “I’m sure they sense the energies of my battle with their master. I’m not up to facing them just now.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  “We’ve put in a good day’s work,” said Merc. “We lopped off the head of the beast. The rest will keep.”

  I donned my armor and slipped on the Ring of Raxx, which slid easily over my gauntlet. “So how do we get out?”

  “No idea. I didn’t think we’d live long enough to need an exit strategy.”

  “To the roof,” said Natalia. “Golan will bear us away.”

  “Perfect,” said Merc.

  “Fly?” I asked, suddenly queasy. “Any other ideas?”

  “Here is one, you cringing maggots—you can die!”

  The breathless voice came from above us, where a translucent image of Erimandras sat upon his high throne, speaking in italics. “My dissolution was only temporary. Did you think a mage of my ability would not have prepared for the unlikely eventuality of defeat? I have spells to counter even the Cards of Power! The Dark Magic Society is a shambles this day, but you will not live to enjoy your victory!”

  Even as we charged up the steps, Erimandras laughed in that maniacal way that only evil wizards can and pressed a panel on the throne. A low rumbling sounded far beneath us. I felt vibrations humming up through the stones of the floor. Soon the walls were shaking and the floor was quaking. We staggered back and forth, struggling to keep our balance as we climbed.

  I reached the high throne and swung Overwhelm to behead the cackling wizard. My blade found only empty air. The throne dropped away, down a hidden shaft. The Overmaster’s ghostly laughter echoed from the darkness below as the floor cracked, the walls crumbled, and large chunks of the ceiling crashed around us.

  “The roof is coming to us!” I said. "I hope Golan comes with it!"

  “Our work isn’t finished,” said Merc. “Come on.”

  With that, he leapt into the shaft.

  Natalia and I exchanged glances. I shrugged.

  We dove in after him.

  *****

  Chapter 24

  Merc cast a spell for slowing falls down dark vertical shafts. His magic sucked most of the velocity out of our descent and sent it elsewhere. Consequently, the three of us floated down the hole like feathers on a breeze. At the bottom, we landed gently on the dem
on throne. The chair now rested in a small cubical chamber several hundred feet below the throne room. Erimandras was nowhere to be seen.

  “Move!” shouted Merc, bounding off the chair. Hearing the thunder of Marn’s collapse echo down the shaft above us, Natalia and I dove after him.

  Huge chunks of stone and masonry were coming down the shaft with the sound of a thousand stampeding oliphants.

  “It figures the Overbrat would make his escape chute a death trap for any who follow,” snarled Merc.

  “We’ll be crushed!” I said.

  “Only if we stay here. I suggest we exit through that door.”

  “It’s blocked by a gigantic wedge of stone!”

  “You’re the ones with invincible swords.”

  Natalia and I attacked the barrier, slicing away an opening large enough to crawl through. Merc went first, Natalia followed. I brought up the rear and thus took the brunt of the shockwave that hurled us all against the far wall of the next room. Behind us, several tons of rock buried the throne.

  The adjoining chamber was empty except for a few packing crates and what looked like an ornate glass booth with a silver frame and a door in the side. There was no visible exit from this second room.

  “He has eluded us!” said Natalia.

  “Maybe not for long,” said Merc. “Unless I miss my guess, this glass box is a teleportal.”

  “Impossible!” snapped Natalia. “They never existed!”

  “The alternative is that this is an ordinary glass box and we are entombed with it half a mile beneath the surface without food or water and with very little air.”

  Natalia studied the box again. “So this is what a teleportal looks like.”

  “What is a teleportal?” I asked.

  “An enchanted chamber or booth such as this. If you speak the proper command it will transport you instantly to a similar box elsewhere. The Empire of Fear had a secret network of these devices. They could send news or personnel virtually anywhere at any time. The secrets of teleportation have since been lost.”

  “Then this is our way out?”

  “If we can deduce the proper command. Otherwise we will suffocate in less than an hour.”

  I rummaged through the packing crates, lifting and shaking each one.

  “What are you looking for?” asked Merc.

  “An instruction manual.”

  “Don’t be absurd.”

  A paper booklet fell out of a box and fluttered to the floor. The title was Teleportal Operation. It was published by the Imperial Teleportal System Authority.

  “You were saying?”

  “Let me see that.” Merc leafed through the pages of the manual. “This chart lists command words for reaching all the teleportals in the system.”

  “Great.”

  “Not so great. This manual is at least ten centuries out of date. We have no idea which teleportals are operational or where they are located. And we don’t know where Erimandras went.”

  “Who cares? The important thing is getting out of here alive,” I said. “We can find Erimandras later.”

  Merc and Natalia exchanged glances and rolled their eyes at my simplemindedness. “A sensible suggestion,” said Merc. “But that isn’t how things are done. When an enemy as powerful as Erimandras is down, you finish him if you can. If we take time to recover ourselves, Erimandras will be restored as well.”

  “Boltblaster is correct,” said Natalia. “We must destroy him now or we will never be safe from him.”

  “Fair enough,” I said. “So why not choose a teleportal and try it?”

  “We could end up anywhere,” said Merc. “We could be killed instantly.”

  “But we’re dead if we stay here. What’s the harm?”

  “You learn fast.”

  Merc stepped into the teleportal and consulted the manual.

  “We should not go all at once,” said Natalia. “One should go. If he finds safety, he may return for the other two. If he perishes the others will still have a chance.”

  “I notice your use of the masculine pronoun,” said Merc. “I take it you aren’t volunteering, Natalia.”

  “Well...”

  “I’ll go,” I said.

  “No one is going anywhere,” said Merc. He touched a metal panel set into the glass wall of the teleportal. In the center of the panel was an indentation. “This indentation holds a magic crystal that powers the teleportal. It is empty.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Erimandras took it with him,” said Natalia.

  Merc nodded. “According to the manual, each authorized user of the teleportal system was issued a crystal. The crystal powers the jump from booth to booth and goes with you. Without it, the teleportal is useless.”

  “Then we’re stuck!” In my frustration I struck my palm with a fist and felt the imprint of the Ring of Raxx. A desperate thought formed in my mind. I held up my hand to display the glittering amethyst. “I’ve worn this allegedly magical ring for weeks and it has been of no use whatsoever. Perhaps it can power the teleportal.”

  “Maybe,” said Merc.

  “It has to be good for something,” I said. “Otherwise, why would the Mighty Champion have worn it?”

  “Fashion statement?” said Merc with a shrug. “I’m skeptical of anything the League held in keeping. But we’ve got nothing to lose by trying.”

  I joined Merc in the teleportal.

  “Come on, Natalia,” said the wizard.

  She shook her head. “Not I.”

  “If Jason jumps to his doom, we’re stuck here with no means of operating the teleportal, sure to die. If he finds safety, he’ll have to come back for us anyway, so we might as well go along the first time. Assuming that this works at all.”

  “Very well.”

  Natalia joined us in the booth. We were crowded together uncomfortably, knees and elbows jammed together, Natalia and I stooped because of our height. I pressed the ring against the panel.

  “Now what?”

  “First, the command word for this portal is Gillyjilly. If we end up somewhere we don’t want to be, say that to bring us back.”

  “Gilly—”

  “Not here! You could set up a feedback loop and teleport us endlessly into ourselves. That would be bad.”

  “Got it.”

  “Now, command the ring,” said Merc. “And concentrate on what you want it to do.”

  “Command it how?”

  “Talk to it. This is an exercise of pure will. Be forceful.”

  “Right. Forceful. Got it. Ring! I want you to power this teleportal!”

  “Now concentrate! Imagine the power flowing from the ring into the panel! Exert your will!”

  “I’m exerting!"

  “Okay. Here is a command word: Gablazook!”

  “Gablazook!”

  I felt a draining surge of energy, saw a hot purple flash—and suddenly was swallowing black seawater.

  “Gillyjilly!” I glubbed desperately.The darkness was broken by another purple flash and we were back in the chamber beneath Marn, falling out in the floor and gasping for air as the water that returned with us flowed from the teleportal.

  “I think we can cross that station off the list,” said Merc. “It is obviously submerged. Good thing you didn’t panic, Cosmo.”

  “I didn’t have time.”

  “At least we know the ring will work. Unfortunately, the manual is now a mass of wet pulp. We’re left with only the command words I can recall. Ready to try again?”

  “This is madness!” said Natalia.

  “You’re welcome to stay here,” said Merc. “But if we reach safety we aren’t coming back.”

  “Let’s go then,” said Natalia.

  We crammed ourselves back into the booth. I again commanded the Ring of Raxx to transport us.

  “We ought to be more successful this time just on general principle,” said Merc. “Ready? Try Gojonkle.”

  “Gojonkle!”

  An energy surge an
d flash of purple light brought us to a teleportal in what looked like an abandoned sitting room. The glass booth was set against one wall. Facing it were fine quality furnishings and decorative art, including iron statues of various animals. Dark green curtains concealed the walls. A golden rug covered the floor. Everything in the room was covered with a thick layer of dust. Faint boy-sized footprints led from the teleportal to an oaken door across the room.

  “This could be the place,” said Merc.

  “Where are we?” I asked.

  “Potentially anywhere,” said Merc. “Though I’d venture to say we’re not underwater.”

  One of the animal statues, a big iron frog, winked at me.

  “Merc, that frog just winked at me!”

  “Are you sure? You’ve had a stressful day.”

  The frog opened its mouth, bellowed a rusty croak, and shot its tongue at me. The iron muscle struck my chest like a hammer and sat me down hard.

  “Pretty sure,” I gasped.

  The frog leapt across the room, tracing a dusty trail through the air and landing full on my chest. Its weight nearly crushed my ribs to powder. Only my magic armor saved me from immediate harm, but I was helplessly pinned and barely able to breathe.

  “Crushing...me,” I gasped.

  The other statues joined the attack. An iron butterfly the size of an eagle battered Natalia with its shield-like wings. A metal war dog snarled at Merc. It was joined by an iron ant as big as a hog. An iron bear growled and sniffed, as if deciding which of us to attack. Choking dust filled the air in grey clouds.“Sorcery!” said Natalia. She deftly sliced the butterfly into fluttering foil.

  “What have you got against sorcery?” asked Merc, leaping atop a tall cabinet to escape the jaws of the metal dog. The dog immediately turned on Natalia, while the ant climbed the wall to reach Merc, clanging its razor-sharp metal mandibles together.

  “It means Erimandras must be near!” said Natalia.

  “Gah...gah,” I wheezed, trying to push the kicking frog off me.

  “Not necessarily,” said Merc, pulling a dull rock from beneath his cloak and shoving it into the maw of the ant. The ant lost its grip on the wall and fell onto its back. It twitched erratically, spinning in place. “These statues could be enchanted to attack all intruders.” He peered down at the ant. “I thought a piece of lodestone might work.”