The Panopticon

by Jenni Fagan

  ‘What’s that?’ Shortie’s looking out.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Listen.’

  I listen. It’s a hoot, just faint, then another. Britney glides across the fields, her white-tipped wings are glowing in the moonlight. The staff are still shouting and the wind is picking up.

  ‘We better go back in,’ Shortie says.

  It’s even more baltic in the turret – I touch the stone wall and it’s like going back in time, like this building has always been here and it doesnae care. It’s freezing: our breath curls out, wisps like ghosts, curling away from us. We stand staring at them for a second, then Shortie leans forward and kisses me on the mouth, and I kiss her back. We scuff downstairs holding hands.

  In the main room the blue light’s already on, and the night-nurse is on duty.

  ‘Up to your rooms then, girls, it’s past bedtime,’ she says.

  We follow her up the stairs, and Shortie’s crying again. We walk past Tash’s bedroom door, then Isla’s. Someone has stripped Isla’s bed. Her posters are still up on the walls, though.

  We don’t want to let go of each other’s hand, we just stand at my bedroom door and the night-nurse looks at us, then she has a quick scan downstairs.

  ‘Just for tonight, until things settle down,’ she says, and she ushers us both into my room and pulls the door almost closed behind us.

  I give Shortie an old T-shirt – she hauls it on and curls up at the bottom of my bed like a wee cat.

  There’s a spider with a steel web; it weaves quickly, and Isla is in the middle – stuck. Each steel wire slices her. The spider casts out more and more threads of steel in an intricate pattern. I want to kill the spider, but she’s got my head. She rubs her legs together ready tae spin my body further in. She will cocoon me; my legs are still twitching, but soon they will be paralysed.

  I wake – drenched, my heart batters off my chest. Shrinking. Shrinking. Shrinking. I’m a wee fucking pinprick.

  The curtains sway to and fro on the wall. I am still falling and the floor is swaying – everything is swaying, and this isnae a flashback, it’s the other side. The veil’s getting thinner. Every year it gets less hidden, that other world – it’s always there, waiting, until eventually we see it.

  There’s patterns all over my walls, Victorian swirls with delicate bars across them. Tash and Isla are in there – wrapped in each other’s arms. Isla reaches out from the wall. She wants me to know that this pain is good, that I have to feel it.

  Peel my top off and push my legs down and hit something soft. It’s Shortie; her chest rises and falls. She’s so wee, and her skinhead is growing in – her fringe is all tufted up. I brush it back. Her forehead is hot and her skin is clammy. She took some of Pat’s Valium earlier, to stop her shaking.

  There’s a lump in my throat, a pressure pushing up, that’s been there for how many years? Sobs begin in my whole body, spasms head-tae-toe. I clamp my hands over my mouth so I dinnae wake Shortie. My mouth is wide open, and I’m crying so hard I begin to silently retch. Hours pass. The sun comes up. I cannae see. My face is swollen and I cannae stop sobbing. Shortie’s still asleep. I nudge her. Nothing.

  ‘Are you asleep?’

  I’m shrinking to a tiny pinprick, I’m so wee that I can hardly hear my voice as it says something I have never, ever heard it say.

  ‘I just want my mum.’

  Shortie bolts up. Just like that. Like she’s waited there quiet all fucking night, knowing I had to say something and I’d never fucking say it if anyone else was there to hear it. She knows just like I do, this is the only time in my entire life that I will say those words out loud.

  ‘It’s okay,’ she says, pulling me in close and holding me, while I sob.

  29

  ‘WHY DOES YOUR room smell of vanilla?’ Joan asks me.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Is it a perfume?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘You took vanilla essence from the kitchen, didn’t you?’

  ‘Nope.’

  Joan is jittery – they cannae get me to speak half the time lately, but she knows I want the rest of my clothing allowance, so now she’s pushing me for conversation. She’s not fucking stupid. I need more cash, I’m getting out. I am not leaving here in a body bag, not here, not John Kay’s. Not anywhere.

  If I can get the rest of my clothing allowance then I’ll have three hundred quid. Click, click, click. Jay wants me to go out there in about an hour; we can get totally and utterly fucked up. I’ve already started on Pat’s wraps.

  ‘I was speaking tae Jamie at your last unit,’ Joan says.

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘He said you’d started a lot of riots there.’

  ‘So.’

  ‘He said you were a total nightmare. I told him you have been as good as gold in here.’

  ‘When’s the funeral?’ I ask her.

  ‘Monday.’

  ‘What’s the coroner doing with Isla?’

  ‘Just verifying all the details. Try and not think about it, Anais.’

  ‘You do know Tash’s dead?’

  ‘Why’d you say that?’ Joan looks at me. She’s got big bags under her eyes. She looks like shit.

  ‘She wouldnae have left Isla.’

  ‘We don’t know that, Anais.’

  ‘I do. What did Isla’s mum take earlier?’

  ‘She just collected some of her old possessions, teddies and things like that.’

  ‘Do the twins know?’

  Joan nods. She kneels down at my chest of drawers. She’s relieved to hear me speak, she doesnae like it when any of us go quiet.

  She opens my bottom drawer and lifts up a T-shirt. Shit! A brick of chocolate falls out. Joan picks it up. There are bite marks all over one end, where I’ve been eating that instead of meals.

  ‘Anais, what is this?’

  ‘I dunno.’

  I turn away because I’m smiling.

  She stands up with the giant chocolate block in her hands.

  ‘Seriously, what is this?’

  Jesus – I cannae believe I forgot to hide that!

  ‘It’s a protest, Joan. Bring it up at changeover. I am protesting at the lack of vegetarian options; also at enforced menus by the chef; also at the way we have tae live here – watched by that fucking thing twenty-four fucking hours a day!’

  I point at the watchtower. Joan takes the big bar of chocolate and the T-shirt it was wrapped in – I swear she’s trying not tae smile.

  ‘You’ll get this T-shirt back once it’s been washed.’

  ‘Cheers.’

  ‘Are you going tae read something at Isla’s funeral?’ she asks.

  ‘No.’

  I am not going to read anything. It’s not my place; it would have been Tash’s, but she’s not here and I cannae speak for her.

  If Tash was murdered, they’ve not found her. She must have been murdered – it’s that wee horrible grain of truth that you just know in your bones. When I found Teresa in the bath, I couldnae see where the blood had come from, I couldnae see if she’d done it herself – but I knew she hadn’t. You just do.

  You do strange things when you find someone you love dead. I walked through to the living room and got her cigarettes. I thought I’d take her one, and maybe a glass of gin. In the living room I looked out from our window, down to the car park, and I saw this black dot, moving away, a big black dot. I kept watching and another one appeared behind it, and an arm appeared out from the black dot, and it gestured to the other one.

  They looked up, and saw me, two men, black wide-rimmed hats, empty spaces where their noses should be.

  30

  I’M BEING WATCHED through the trees, but it doesnae bother me. The woods are almost empty now it’s winter – just the odd dog walker and nobody else around. I come out by the wooden stile and cross the road.

  There’s a wee jeweller’s right up the top of the village – I’m going there first. I have to pass by the gate where Ta
sh and Isla would sit for a smoke. In fact, I’ll avoid it; I’ll go past on the way back.

  The jeweller’s shop is all lit up and the doorbell chimes when I walk in.

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘I was wondering if you could put a hole in something for me?’ I ask the guy.

  ‘What’s that, dear?’

  The man puts his specs on and I slide the domino across the desk. Double four.

  ‘Oh, I see. It’s a well-worn one, isn’t it? Yes, I could put a hole in the top if you like.’

  ‘Ta, can you do it now or …?’

  ‘Come back on Monday.’

  He writes a receipt for what it will cost and hands it to me.

  Walk through the car park by the village hall, and light a fag when I get near the woods. I can hear shouts – someone’s getting totally leathered further down. Great! That’s the last thing I need tae see. That speed Pat gave me is well strong, I shouldn’t have taken a whole wrap in one go. I want tae avoid going past them, all jeering at some fight inside their circle, but that would mean going the long way.

  Keep walking. I’m gonnae have to go right by them; fuck it, it’s only kids from the local school. There’s a big lassie lifting her leg – she’s gonnae stamp on someone’s head. She better watch it, you can easy kill someone that way.

  It’s starting to drizzle, and all the street-lamps are like orange orbs. I walk by the crowd surrounding the fight, and my stomach lurches.

  ‘D’ye still think you’re fucking hard now?’

  The big lassie lifts her leg again to stamp on Shortie’s face.

  ‘What the fuck d’ye think you’re doing?’ I shove in and the group parts, then closes around us, so nobody walking nearby can see.

  ‘She fucking started it!’ the lassie says.

  Shortie’s crumpled on the floor; she’s trying tae kick back – but she’s woozy. She grins up at me. Click, click, click. There’s been more than one of them at her. Click. Click.

  ‘She stamped on my face.’ Shortie looks up at me. One of her eyes is swollen and closing up already.

  ‘I’m gonnae fucking do it again!’

  The lassie thinks she’s hard as fuck cos she’s battered a girl from the home. I grab her by the back of her neck, pull her in, like I’m gonnae snog her face off. Crack! Bone off bone. Someone boots me in the back and another one’s dragging me down. Nails. Punches. This isnae pain – it’s not what pain feels like. I catch Shortie’s eye; she’s grinning at me, woozy, but she’s still got the fucking glint. It passes between us – dark as night and just as true.

  ‘Fuck it, Anais, ay; fuck it, and fuck them, I fucking love you.’

  Scrabble upright, stagger back – then turn, fly through air. CRACK, she’s down, out; drag her back up by the hair, smack her in the pus – once, twice – a tooth flies through the air. Skelp her fucking sideways, and she’s pushing her feet along the ground, pleading and trying tae get away.

  Click, click, click.

  There’s a faint voice somewhere, it’s saying again and again: If you dinnae stop her – she won’t stop! And someone steps up behind me, their whole body moves in behind mine. They are grabbing my arms, slowing them down as I keep punching, and Shortie is whispering into my ear, I can hear her, under the roar.

  ‘She’s had enough, Anais, that’s it – stop, you’re alright. I’ve got you.’

  My arms slow, my body relaxes into her hold, my heart is pounding and everything is coming back – louder than before. A siren screeches close by and Shortie is taking me by the hand, leading me over the road, and I’m looking back at them. Someone’s picking the lassie up off the deck.

  ‘I didnae mean it,’ I whisper and I’m crying, and she’s dragging me on.

  It’s misty out now; cars down on the road put their fog-lights on. The ground in the woods is wet – we’re running, and I slip. Shortie drags me up again.

  ‘Dinnae look back, dinnae. Just keep walking,’ she says.

  I’m shaking. I’m really fucking shaking; my teeth are clattering, cos I’ve never wanted to hurt someone as bad as that.

  I cannae see the lights behind us any more, we’re right in the forest now.

  ‘It’s alright, Anais. Here, stop a minute – just breathe.’

  Shortie pushes me against a tree, and she’s panting as well. She pulls her cigarettes out, lights a fag in shaky hands and passes it tae me. Then she leans in and kisses me, and I hold onto her, because there is nothing else – no air, no sky, no ground.

  31

  HOLD SHORTIE’S HEAD over the sink while blood swirls down the plughole. She pushes a wet roll of tissue across her eye and climbs into the empty bath. I dry her face, her neck. I won’t try to brush her hair, cos her scalp will still be too sore. We placed a towel along the bottom of the bathroom door so nobody can tell that we’re in here.

  I clean myself up quickly. The police will be up here any minute now. If the lassie I battered identifies me, then I’ll be straight into a secure unit tonight.

  Jay, I got held up … do you still want me to come?

  This is what they wanted. That’s what the police said: one more charge, and they’ve got me. It won’t be a secure unit near here; upstairs is never gonnae be finished. They’ll take me to John Kay’s.

  Aye, but come now.

  Keep dabbing at my face in the mirror, wiping the blood away, but all I can see is dead pigs, and dead Islas, and a dead Anais – hanging in a cell. One vertebrae. Snapped.

  There’s a knock on the door.

  ‘Who is it?’ I ask, trying to make my voice sound even.

  ‘It’s Dylan – let me in.’

  ‘Not just now, Dylan, what d’you want?’

  ‘Brian’s down in the office, he’s grassing you up!’

  ‘To who?’

  ‘He’s grassing you tae Angus and Joan – he says you’ve just battered a whole bunch of lassies down in the village. He’s saying you broke one girl’s legs.’

  ‘Shit!’ Shortie looks up at me.

  ‘The polis are on their way, the staff had tae ring them. They’re looking for you the now – they dinnae know you’re back here yet.’

  ‘Dylan?’

  ‘Aye?’

  ‘Go downstairs and, if the staff look like they’re coming this way, do me a favour and stop them.’

  Are you coming right now? I need tae know, for definite?

  Okay A Xx.

  Shortie gets out of the bath and opens the door a crack.

  ‘Can you manage that?’ she asks Dylan.

  He nods and she opens the door to let him see that I’m alright. Shortie’s black eye is already swollen up to fuck, but I’ve cleaned up quite good. Dylan looks scared – I dinnae like it.

  ‘We’re alright. Cross my heart,’ I tell him.

  ‘Can you keep the staff outside? Cos Anais will be put away, if the polis get her,’ Shortie says.

  ‘Aye, I can do it.’ He turns away and clomps down the hall.

  Shortie gets me out the back interview-room window. She smashed it out with a stone and her jumper wrapped around it, so they wouldnae hear it. I drop to the ground, and look back up at her.

  ‘You better come back,’ she says.

  ‘I will.’

  Then I am running, down towards the woods. I can see a police car pulling down the drive behind me, but their lights dinnae reach out over the fields. The wind is fucking freezing and I didnae even have time to grab a coat.

  Darkness feels safer than daylight. How many times has the dark been my safe place? I begin tae count all the places I’ve slept: bus shelters, graveyards, old cottages, holiday-let caravans in winter when the park is shut, in the woods, disused buildings, a burnt-out car, under a bridge, on the beach, the viaduct. I once slept on a roundabout in the middle of a dual carriageway. I watched the cars all night – it was winter, so I kept my knees tucked up in my top, and newspapers crumpled up and stuffed under it for insulation, and I breathed – with my head inside my jumper, so as not to
lose any body-heat. D’you know what that’s called? Resourceful. Stupid. Fucking idiotic. I am not sleeping rough again, not for anyone, it’s not fucking safe and it’s not fucking funny. The woods thin. Nobody is around at the village main road, thank God!

  The bus-shelter timetable says forty minutes until the next bus. That’s enough time. The bus’ll stop by the old row of cottages over the road. The cottages are all hunched in a row, their letterboxes set in a grim grin.

  I just want Jay to hold me, and stroke my hair. I want the night tae just become us and a bed, and the shadows on the walls. I need to get fucked up, properly.

  Tension gnaws my gut, and the adrenaline won’t let me go, I cannae get it out my body. I took two trips when we got back to the unit. I was saving them for a moment like this – I need to see clearer. I had half an E from Pat’s stash as well.

  Walk across the road, down to the village high school and go around the back. There’s one minibus that’s always parked here. I find a chib – a rusty pole. I’m ramming it in the minibus door when two laddies walk up the hill.

  They come and watch: one is buzzing gas, and the other one’s doing tricks on a yo-yo. The road is empty and orange and wet.

  ‘D’ye want some?’ The kid holds out his gas for me.

  ‘It’s bad for your lungs,’ I tell him.

  The front door cracks open.

  Hop up into the driver’s seat, rip out a plastic box under the dash and grab the wires. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! My heart’s going mental and the trips are kicking in now. It’s hard to see what’s brown or red in the dark. The ignition catches. I pull my foot up right gentle on the clutch and ease it into first.

  ‘Get in then,’ I say.

  The laddies climb up into the back, and I reverse the minibus fast.

  ‘What are you doing?’ one boy asks.

  Slam my foot down on the accelerator.

  ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!’ he screams.

  It echoes. That fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck echoes.

  Bang! We hit the gym-hall wall. Impact! Bring it. Powwow-wow-wow-wow. Reverse again. The laddies are laughing their arses off as we drive into the wall a second time. There’s a screeching from underneath the minibus and smoke’s coming out the front. Fucking great! We just sit here for a minute, grinning, then something big falls off the back; it clatters and the sound spooks me.