by Z. Allora
“Do you hold her like this, Styx?” Jin’s voice dropped as he pulled Jun Tai closer into a lover’s embrace. His fingers combed through Jun Tai’s hair tenderly.
Jun Tai’s heart coiled with need and cruel hope. He craved Jin’s touch but hated that it could only ever be a tease. “Get off me!” He had to stop this, so he struggled, but Jin didn’t release him.
“Do you kiss her neck?” Jin moistened his lips and trailed them down Jun Tai’s throat.
Stop! Stilling before he tilted his head to give better access, Jun Tai couldn’t help the tiny whimper.
Jin’s soft lips caressed his neck and drove him mad. Jun Tai tried to fight it, but his body arched, and he yearned for more kisses. His cock didn’t understand that Jin only pretended to make a point.
Jun Tai’s heart hammered away quicker than any blast beat he could play. His love threatened to burst through and make stupid things fall from his mouth.
If he didn’t make Jin stop, he would come, right there in the cold, dirty lake. He’d be humiliated. He was going to shoot off in his best friend’s arms.
“Biǎozi!” Jun Tai tried to laugh as he called out the insult. Bitter disappointment rushed through him when Jin allowed Jun Tai to shove him away. Being released tore at his heart. He shouldn’t long to be held by Jin.
“I’m not a bad guy,” Jin muttered.
The neon light played tricks with the shadows, because Jin appeared hurt. He turned and did a shallow dive. They swam a little longer, but silent tension hung between them like an insurmountable wall.
JIN’S MOTHER died. He had gotten his massage therapist certification, and now he wanted to escape Yintang. He and Jun Tai kept having the same conversation for weeks.
“Come with me to Suzhou, Styx. The big boss wants me in his new spa. I contacted my mother’s brother, and he wants us to live in his apartment,” Jin tempted him again.
Suzhou was a small town by Chinese standards, with a little over ten million people. It was a growing city west of Shanghai, just twenty minutes by the train. Jun Tai longed to go, but it wasn’t for the shiny newness of Suzhou. Moving there would be a way to be with Jin.
No one did anything without getting something for themselves. He tried to be practical and find the catch. “Why doesn’t your uncle rent out the apartment?”
“He wants me closer to him, and he can’t trust a renter to take care of the place like we would.” True, renters would be careless. “He told me sometimes renting costs more in terms of repairs than leaving it vacant.”
On the edge of the lake, Jin practiced qigong mixed with a bit of yoga to make his own style of exercise. He’d been doing it for a few years, and the training toned his body.
Not that Jun Tai noticed. He tried to distance himself from the inappropriate feelings seeing Jin in various positions evoked, so he tapped a pair of chopsticks on the bench, trying not to stare.
A question had buzzed around his head since he’d heard the rumors about what massage therapists did with VIP clients. The words tumbled from his lips. “Is it true?”
“What?” Jin twisted into another impossible pose. His legs stretched out on either side of him, and he leaned forward.
Pulling his gaze from Jin’s body, Jun Tai clarified. “What people say happens in the VIP room. Is it true?”
“What do…?” Jin glanced over at him and then sighed. He shifted and bent over to reach his hands far between his legs on the lake’s boardwalk. “Yeah.”
The affirmation made Jun Tai’s stomach drop with a whole new level of sadness. Anger erupted, failing to shove out the hurt and betrayal. “How could you do that?”
“It’s just another muscle. I rub it if it’s… tense.” Jin shrugged.
Had he convinced himself what he did in the name of work was no big deal? Jun Tai tried to erase the image of Jin stroking off some guy. Pretending it didn’t matter if Jin touched girls was one thing, but if Jin wanted to touch a guy, it should be—not a stranger.
But Jin didn’t actually want to put his hands on guys; it was part of the job.
Jun Tai’s misery didn’t allow him to ignore the sight of Jin stretching one yoga position into another. The beat of his wooden sticks faltered.
“My mentor is preparing me to work with some of our special VIP clients in Suzhou.” Jin talked while he held a position that made his ass arch in Jun Tai ’s direction as he stretched his arms forward. “Some people have different needs….”
Jin released the position and turned to peek at Jun Tai through his blond hair. It sparkled in the sunshine.
Jun Tai’s breath caught. At times, Jin’s loveliness stole his breath and hurt his heart. “What special needs?”
What else did Jin do? To distract himself, he twirled the sticks and restarted a fast beat on the bench.
Jin took several deep breaths before relaxing into the warrior pose. “Sometimes, a big businessman wants to give away his control. The spa offers that type of thing to some of the clients.”
“Not wanting to be in control? Who wouldn’t want to be in control?” Jun Tai shook his head in confusion.
Jin gave him a smile that boiled him from the inside. His chopsticks hit the ground. He grabbed them and couldn’t look at Jin. “Are you a whore?”
What else did you call someone who got people off for money?
Jin didn’t seem offended. “Of course not. I don’t fuck anyone. I provide a service. It isn’t about sex.”
A big part of Jun Tai didn’t want to know, because then he’d be forced to acknowledge reality. But he couldn’t get the images out of his head. Grabbing his makeshift drumsticks, he changed the subject. “I thought your mother didn’t talk to her family.”
From the time Jin’s mother became pregnant with him, until her death last year, she had been estranged from her family. The entire clan except her brother had disowned her when Jin’s father didn’t marry her. The family had disowned her brother long before her misfortune; however, the man had remained in contact through letters. Jun Tai had no clue why Jin’s family cut his uncle Bao-zhi out of the family, and it wasn’t something he could ask. Bao-zhi couldn’t have been a bad guy; he’d always sent money and presents for Jin.
“Mother and my uncle only exchanged letters, but at the end, she gave me his address since he’d be the only family I would have.” Jin’s voice broke.
“I’m your family,” Jun Tai said without thinking, but he felt the truth of that deep down in his soul. He couldn’t be everything he wanted to be to Jin, but he would claim Jin as family.
“I know.” Jin bent into another position and held the stance. “Styx, please come to Suzhou with me. Please. You aren’t making a lot in the factory. At this rate, you’ll be eighty before you have enough for Bi Yu’s family to let you marry.”
Maybe not being able to marry was the point? Jun Tai’s hands flew, rapping out a fast beat. He couldn’t outrun his troubled mind, but it didn’t stop him from trying.
He dreaded the day he’d have to marry her. Bi Yu wasn’t a bad choice, but he didn’t desire a wife. Judging by the time he’d spent with her, it seemed she didn’t wish for him to be her husband either. But their families wanted the union, so what could they do?
Once again that deep conviction that something was wrong with him, something no one would ever understand, crawled through him. How could anyone understand? He didn’t want what everyone else wanted. He turned away from Jin.
“Please come to Suzhou with me, Styx. The big boss said he’d have a job for you. You’d be like a manager or something of the spa.” When Jun Tai remained silent, Jin continued, “We’d be living rent-free in my uncle’s investment property. The apartment is right on the lake in the heart of Suzhou’s Industrial Park. Because of the new government regulations, he can’t sell the place for three more years. All we’d have to do is keep the apartment clean. But utilities and everything would be included.”
Shǐ dàn! Jin would go with or without him. Nothing bound Jin to th
eir hometown. He was free of family responsibilities.
Jun Tai didn’t want to be left behind… not yet.
Jin emerged from his pose and shifted into another. He grabbed his ankle and extended his foot above his head.
As always, it was impossible to refuse Jin anything.
Jun Tai tried not to notice what the stretching did to Jin’s thin white pants. He twisted around on the bench to hide his erection as he tucked the chopsticks into his back pocket.
“My uncle has a friend who might know some guys who are searching for band members.” Jin unnecessarily sweetened the tea.
Jun Tai’s dreams of being a drummer had died the day his mother snapped his drumsticks in half and told him to stop being foolish. Even though their music teacher thought Jin and Jun Tai had great potential, no one else seemed to believe that, including him.
TWO WEEKS later, Jun Tai accompanied Bi Yu to the wet market. The concrete structure in the middle of town contained rows of produce fresh off the farm, butchers with meats hanging on hooks, and rows of murky aquariums holding various offering from the sea.
Accompanying her to the wet market was the closest they’d ever come to a date. Every few days, he escorted her and carried her family’s meat and vegetables back to their house. He and Bi Yu didn’t talk much on these errands, which was okay, but Jun Tai wished she’d listen to him when he spoke.
Today she twirled her hair as Jun Tai tried to tell her he needed to leave. Her eyes kept drifting to the farmer’s son packing her mother’s order.
She treated Jun Tai more like a pack animal than a boyfriend. But he wished she would pay attention so he could tell her. “Did you hear me? I’ve decided to go to Suzhou.”
Bi Yu nodded and flipped her long hair like a movie star, but she didn’t spare him a glance. Her gaze seemed glued to Cong’s shirtless body as he selected the best produce for her.
“Um, how long will you be gone?” Her disinterested tone spoke volumes.
Cong’s head snapped up as if waiting for Jun Tai’s answer.
Jun Tai gave an apologetic shrug. “I don’t know. I guess three to five years.”
That was the average time most people escaped to a city before being forced into beneficial marriages. He hoped his parents would allow him that much freedom.
“Oh, is that all?” She sounded dismayed.
Jun Tai frowned. “Um, yeah. Though I’ll probably come home when I can for the Spring Festival.”
“Oh, you don’t have to come back to visit me.” Bi Yu insisted as she made puppy eyes at Cong.
Cong put extra carrots in her bag and winked.
Bi Yu batted her eyelashes at Cong. “Thank you. That’s sweet of you.”
She pushed the overflowing bag in Jun Tai’s direction. The sack smacked him in the chest with a thump. Bi Yu leaned toward Cong as if she longed to be closer. Her voice turned husky. “Cong, give my best to your parents.”
“Of course, Bi Yu, and extend my wishes of health to your family.” He frowned at the need to acknowledge the fact Jun Tai stood there. “I hope you have a prosperous trip, Jun Tai.”
Jun Tai gave him a cordial nod. “Hey, I hope you’ll keep Bi Yu company while I’m gone.”
Cong’s eyes widened. Bi Yu coughed and choked.
He glanced between them. “What? You shouldn’t sit home alone.”
Neither said a word.
Chapter 1
SO CLOSE. It was finally going to happen. Just a little more. Almost… there. Going out of his mind! He tightened the towel around his neck a little more.
Jun Tai “Styx” Wong hadn’t had an orgasm in over two weeks. His freaking cock would barely get hard.
For the last year, he’d been living in Suzhou with Jin, which had been a balancing act between heaven and hell. He had the independence to be Styx, leaving his Jun Tai persona in his hometown. He loved getting to see Jin all the time, but the new freedom made the wayward emotions he strove to suppress bubble to the surface. Fearing he’d act on his desire, which without a doubt would destroy their friendship, he put his wants on lockdown.
Sadness and exhaustion overwhelmed him. He’d started taking supplements but then had problems getting off. The more miserable he got, the harder it was to get an erection, let alone actually come. It was crazy—twenty-two-year-olds weren’t supposed to have these issues, but he could barely get aroused.
Who could he tell? He went to the clinic, talked about his tiredness, and answered some questions. No one asked about the male inadequacies that plagued him. The doctor gave the diagnosis of depression, handed him two bottles of different antidepressants, and sent him on his way.
He took the medicine as prescribed, but it didn’t numb him enough to suppress his worry or his affection for Jin. However, he found taking both pills twice a day distanced him from his melancholy. The medicine allowed him to accept that he’d eventually return to being Jun Tai Wong, the good Chinese son who put his family’s best interest first. Those little pills allowed him to accept he’d eventually have to bury Styx and his dreams of music, freedom, and Jin.
But the medicine made it almost impossible to orgasm. Two weeks was now the longest he’d gone without an orgasm, and it was making him crazy.
He’d turned to the internet to research his problem and had found a site on autoerotic asphyxiation. Somehow China’s internet filters had allowed access to this website but not to many of the regular pornography sites that he’d heard were available in other countries. Maybe if he had access to more pornography, he wouldn’t have to do this.
He wasn’t stupid—asphyxiation was a bad idea—but he didn’t care and decided to risk it. Asphyxiation had once been used to treat people with impotence. He ignored the fact the treatment occurred in the seventeenth century. Desperate for the comfort only climax brought, he did what he had to do.
The first time, the process worked like a charm. He came without dwelling on inappropriate thoughts. His release had been strong. He could pretend he wasn’t a complete wreck, and he controlled his body and mind again.
Now with a towel cutting off his air supply, his cock stood erect in his hand. Styx blocked out his grandmother’s voice in his head, her stern lectures of how unhealthy it was to touch himself. Her berating him about how good Chinese boys didn’t do such filthy things.
His body didn’t care. He craved those elusive contractions he’d discovered by accident at thirteen, when the incredible mystery of orgasm had unfolded for him in the shower.
Styx devised a schedule to keep his secret, even from Jin, and only did this once every other week on the only night he had off that Jin didn’t. Each time the appointed day rolled around, he shook with lust at the knowledge he’d finally get some relief… even though Jin had begun to seep back into his fantasies.
A forbidden image invaded Styx’s mind, but he was too close to climax to fight what he craved.
Jin Lan.
Jin’s toned body danced through his head.
So wrong!
No man should think of another man this way. That had been drilled into his head, but he only needed to keep the forbidden picture in his mind a few more moments.
The image morphed, taking away his breath. Jin’s blond head tilted, and his soulful gray eyes stared at Styx with love.
Yes, love—not friendship.
In Styx’s mind, Jin loved him. He forgot about what had been schooled into his head about right and wrong. He pretended Jin returned the love he shouldn’t have bursting through him whenever he was too weak to keep the wall around his heart.
Almost touching his lips to Jin’s perfect mouth. He craved tracing his tongue over Jin’s open lips. He licked his own mouth trying to get a taste of his fantasy.
Styx’s body inched toward completion. He twisted the piece of wood tightening the towel around his neck, and he tugged his shaft harder, panting to steal air into his lungs. In his fantasy, Jin’s fingers ran through Styx’s long hair to pull him closer because Jin needed him
too.
Loved him in the same way Styx so dearly loved Jin.
No! I can’t think about this.
It was wrong even to pretend he and Jin could be lovers. It wasn’t done. That type of perversion needed to be shoved into the shadows where only whispers of the deviance surfaced but were never verified.
May his ancestors forgive him, but Styx loved Jin with everything in him. How could something so pure be sick?
He needed this.
Can’t stop. Forgive—
Styx’s breath became shallow along with another shiver of pleasure. His imagination pushed past its dilemma. He wound the towel tighter.
In fantasy, he glided his lips across Jin’s. He locked on to that lush mouth with passion he’d never experienced outside daydreams. He skimmed his hands down Jin’s gorgeous yoga-tight body to cup his ass.
Squeezing the rounded flesh, he pulled Jin close, but it would never be enough.
The kiss lingered, gaining in intensity. In Styx’s mind, Jin was experienced and amazing. Jin treated Styx like one of his VIP clients—
No!
The thought would break his heart anew. He forced himself to enjoy the skilled slide of soft lips tracing down his neck. Jin’s wet tongue trailed lower onto his throat and stilled over Styx’s pulse point, and then he bit the side of Styx’s neck.
Styx groaned as Jin nibbled at him. A sharp nip made him gasp, “Jin!”
He stroked faster. His breath diminished to shallow gulps. In his imagination, Jin leaned back with a sexy smile and whispered in his low sultry voice, “I want to see you, Styx. Come right now. Come for me.”
The fantasy of his best friend’s mesmerizing mouth recaptured Styx’s lips in a steamy kiss, and cum fountained from his cock.
Just as Jin demanded, Styx’s body finally let go. “Oh fuck! Yeah! Yes!”
Styx’s body rippled joyously, and he shot out two weeks’ worth of pent-up frustration, all for Jin. He rubbed out his full release as he imagined Jin caressing his mouth and cuddling into him.
The floaty, happy sensation began dragging him into the darkness.
