by Z. Allora
No, not yet. I need to….
Everything went dim.
Chapter 2
DARKNESS ENCROACHED.
Styx tried to loosen the towel, struggling to remain conscious, but he couldn’t.
Before the blackness descended, bitter regret crashed over him. His life would end before he’d lived it, before he explored the connection with Jin.
His pathetic life played out, fingers fumbling uselessly against the stuck dowel…. Maybe Jin might have returned the affection, but now he’d never know.
Anguish rushed to the forefront, and every unseized opportunity mocked his fading existence. He hated that he hadn’t taken any of the opportunities to find a bit of happiness. He would die having buried who he was, who he could have been… who he’d never be.
“No! Please, Styx!”
The screaming drifted to Styx from far away, the familiar voice barely penetrating his disoriented mind. Someone shook him until his teeth rattled. Didn’t the shaker understand he wasn’t one of those colorful cocktails at a bar?
He tried to speak, but nothing came from his dry mouth. Opening his heavy eyelids, he saw Jin peering into his face.
Styx had always wanted Jin, but what was Jin doing there? Not that he minded.
Was this his second chance?
“Styx! Oh no! I don’t know what I’m doing. I only watched the safety movie on how to do this.”
Styx wanted to comfort Jin in his panic, but his body wasn’t working. His eyes slid shut.
The towel had been untwined from his neck, followed by heavy, rhythmic pressure on his chest. Jin touched his face. “I think I’m supposed to do this?” His mouth covered Styx’s.
Oh, Jin’s soft lips pressed against his.
The lips were real, not like his wishes and dreams. Styx’s heart raced.
What the fuck? Why was Jin blowing in his mouth? Why didn’t Jin know how to kiss better?
Styx tried to wrap his arm around Jin’s waist, wanting to pull him close. When Jin blew into his mouth again, Styx angled his head, opened his lips, and kissed back. His tongue followed his natural reaction and licked into the mouth of his dreams.
His attempted kisses muffled Jin’s moans, and the floaty, happy sensation evaporated.
“Oh, Styx!” Jin squirmed away.
Damn! Styx’s arms flopped to his sides.
Jin disappeared and said, “He’s in here.”
Styx wanted to make everyone aware he was fine. If only his eyes would stay open. Exhausted and with his head throbbing, maybe he should sleep for a bit?
Before he could, someone lifted him onto a bed and covered his naked body. The bed had wheels, because Styx moved and bumped over the threshold as he exited the apartment. Where was he going?
“I’m right here, Styx.” Jin’s hand clutched his.
Oh, well, it didn’t matter where they were going as long as Jin was with him.
“They’re going to fix you, Styx.” Poor Jin still sounded upset.
Styx longed to make Jin feel better, but when he tried to open his eyes, he failed. He twitched his hand.
Jin, as usual, knew exactly what he wanted and locked their hands together.
Yes! Styx squeezed, but Jin’s hand was snatched away from him. No!
Not sure how much time had passed, he woke to Jin’s voice. “We’re headed to the hospital. They’ll make you better.”
He clasped his fist hard to let Jin know he heard him.
“Oh, good. Okay. Everything will be fine. Not letting you go.” Jin’s voice sounded watery. Styx tried to open his eyes again but lacked the energy. “Not letting you leave me, Styx.”
He wanted to tell Jin he would never willingly part from him, but he was dragged back to the peaceful dark.
LIGHT STUNG Styx’s eyes. Jin’s golden hair sparkled in the sunlight as he sat staring at him.
Styx wasn’t dead. This was his second chance. Relief flooded him. But why was Jin scowling at him?
“What the fuck did you do?” Jin hissed the question.
He’d rarely seen Jin this pissed, and never at him. Oh, Styx’s head pounded, and his throat was on fire.
What could he say? He took in the grayish walls that used to be white, the countless scuff marks and undefined stains; this was probably Suzhou No. 2 Hospital because he couldn’t afford Suzhou No. 1. Four other patients shared the room with him. Family members around each bed talked in hushed voices or slept at awkward angles.
“Why?” Jin’s demand refocused Styx’s attention.
Styx’s silence grew louder in his ears. Beyond the embarrassment of being caught with his pants down, literally, Jin would never understand.
“How could you do that to me?” Jin’s eyes filled with tears before he turned away. His words were barely above a whisper, but they screamed with hurt.
Styx’s sigh softened what he’d intended as a firm statement. “It has nothing to do with you.”
“The fuck it doesn’t!” Fury rolled off Jin. He leaned over the bed, ignoring the various wires hooked into Styx’s veins by needles. “Tell me, what the fuck did you think you were doing?”
The way Jin crowded into his face awoke everything Styx had fought to avoid. He averted his gaze, hoping to escape the disgust in Jin’s eyes, and answered through a raw throat. “What did it look like?”
Confusion replaced the fury bleeding off Jin. “It looked like you were… you know.”
Styx rolled his head to follow Jin’s hand with his gaze as he made the universal sign for jerking off.
“Correct. Are we done? Can I get out of the hospital?” Styx hoped for a change of subject; otherwise Jin would discover he was a perverted, twisted fuck. His gratitude for the second chance seemed to be short-lived. Now Styx wanted out.
Out of the hospital. Out of Jin’s overwhelming presence. Out of talking about his dangerous masturbatory habits.
Jin leaned over Styx’s face, his lowered voice filled with resentment. “That still doesn’t explain why you almost died naked with a towel wrapped around your neck.”
Those perfect lips hovered—as always—just out of reach. Jin’s breath teased his mouth. If Styx moved ten centimeters, they’d be touching.
But he didn’t move. Even with this second chance, fear paralyzed him. He couldn’t risk damaging their friendship any more than he already had.
Styx shook his head and averted his gaze. Jin was too close and knew him too well. If he wasn’t careful, Jin would see everything he fought to keep hidden.
“Why was the towel around your neck, Styx?” Jin ran his fingers through Styx’s long dark hair, straightening it.
Closing his eyes, he relished the longed-for touches. The caress allowed him to attempt words. “It helps….” As lame as that answer was, Styx had no other. His parched throat burned. “Water?”
Jin retrieved lukewarm water from the sink and handed him the paper cup. Styx drank slowly, wishing the cup were twice its size. Jin tossed it away.
Taking Styx’s chin in his long fingers, Jin made him look in his direction. “Helps? Helps what?”
Styx closed his eyes like a child, wanting to block reality.
Jin could be persistent. “Answer me.”
“No. Stop!” Styx complained as Jin held him down and blew on his eyelashes.
He hated the sensation. Well, actually, he loved Jin next to him, close enough to smell his sweet, gum-scented breath wafting over his face. It sent chills through his body and hunger through his veins.
Jin had done this when they were kids. Whenever Jin wanted to get his way, he would sit on Styx and blow on his face until he gave in. Apparently, Jin wasn’t aware he could always have his way.
“Styx, please. Why did you try to kill yourself? Tell me why you wanted to leave me?” Jin’s quiet voice broke into a sob as he twisted away to hide his face. He rose from the bed and stood facing the wall, rubbing his eyes.
Even when Styx wasn’t responsible, Jin’s unhappiness felt like a persona
l failure. This time, it was truly his fault.
Styx shook his head. “I’d never leave you like that.”
Jin peered over his shoulder in disbelief.
“I wasn’t—” Styx glanced around the room to make sure no one else listened. He waved Jin closer and whispered, “I was just trying to get off.”
“With a fucking towel, hanging yourself?” Jin stopped and blinked. “Wait. You mean… you really weren’t trying to…?”
“No! Of course not.” Death would have to drag Styx to hell kicking and screaming unless Jin accompanied him. Then he would skip down the brimstone path to hell or anywhere else Jin went without complaint.
Confusion played over Jin’s lovely features. “Why would you do that?”
“’Cause….” Styx sighed in exasperation. He didn’t want to go into the sordid details. He turned his face away and studied the wall to hide his shame.
“Tell me.” Jin sat at his bedside and grabbed his hand.
Styx stared at their linked fingers. Did they need to have this discussion? “I can’t seem to, you know, unless I….”
Jin shook his head. “No, I don’t understand. Which is why I’m asking what happened.”
Groaning, Styx lifted his head and slammed back onto the flat pillow in irritation. He whispered, “Can’t get off. It was the only way things worked. Okay?” He huffed with frustration and anger at being forced into such an admission.
Before Jin could ask for more embarrassing details, the doctor breezed through the door.
Jin released his hand and jumped from the bed.
The doctor perused the chart for several minutes before he glanced at Styx. “Glad to see you awake. How do you feel?”
“Fine.” Styx tried not to focus on Jin. Instead, he watched the other patients and their families, trying not to pay attention to the conversation.
“Good.” The doctor studied the chart before returning his focus to Styx. “No damage from the failed CPR attempt made by your friend. Are you the friend?”
Jin nodded.
Glaring at him, the doctor stated, “If you don’t know CPR, you shouldn’t do it. Luckily, you didn’t hurt him any worse.”
The doctor squinted and tapped his pen on the chart. “Your blood work shows you’re on large doses of both diazepam and clomipramine?”
Styx turned toward Jin in time to see surprise and worry race across his face. “Depression.”
“Interesting.” The doctor’s tone implied nothing but boredom. He frowned as he flicked through the pages. “And you’re also on allergy medication and several other supplements.” The doctor glanced at him. “When was your last blood work with the prescribing doctor?”
Styx shook his head. “I haven’t gone back.”
“Why not?” The doctor dropped the chart onto the small rolling tray.
“Um, well, I don’t know. I took the medicine like the doctor said.” He wasn’t made of money. He couldn’t afford to keep running back to the doctor, which was why he simply adjusted the dosage on his own.
The amount his family allowed him to keep from each paycheck barely kept him in rice. Without Jin buying vegetables and meat, he would have starved long ago.
“Yes, well, these medications need to be monitored, and I doubt the prescribing doctor wanted you to take them simultaneously.”
Styx tapped his foot, pretending a pedal connected to a nonexistent bass drum was located at the foot of his bed. Trying to ignore the focus on him, Styx shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He did know he wasn’t supposed to take them together or at that dose. But when he ingested the combination of medicines, they gave him a weightless calm, and the strange thoughts about Jin and men in general didn’t bother him as much. The little pills created a safety wall and made it easier not to act on his needs. The pills disconnected him from that part of himself and kept all those inappropriate ideas at a more comfortable distance.
The doctor adjusted his glasses to stare at Styx with growing disapproval. “It’s cases like yours that make me wish the pharmacies needed prescriptions to refill medicines for people.”
Styx adjusted his blanket. He had nothing to say.
“Well, you should be aware the levels in your system might have had many adverse effects.”
“Like what?” Jin’s worried voice broke into the conversation as he moved closer to the bed.
The doctor contemplated Jin before answering. “The opposite effect, meaning increased depression.” Lowering his voice, he added, “As well as sexual side effects, a dependence on the chemicals, and harm to internal organs, to name a few.”
Sexual side effects? Was that why things weren’t working?
The doctor shook his head in clear irritation. “Your generation wants a quick fix. Well, it’s not always the best idea. I want you to stay here another day. I’ll prescribe a medication that should allow you to sleep. I suggest you see the doctor who prescribed those other medications. Until you do, you shouldn’t be taking them.”
“But what if I don’t have time to go back to him for blood work?” Styx grasped at straws. He ignored the horrified disbelief on Jin’s face and focused on the doctor who planned on stripping away his chemical security blanket.
“We’ll give you an herbal remedy to get these Western medicines out of your system.” The doctor smirked and shook his head. “You don’t seem depressed to me, young man. I see no need for you to be on medications. Depression, indeed. Focus on your job. Go see the other doctor for blood work if you wish to restart these harmful chemicals.”
The doctor grabbed his chart and left without a backward glance.
The interaction was frustrating, but at least the doctor had spoken directly with Styx. If he were in bad shape, the doctor would only speak with his family. As the patient, he’d have to trust his family for information about his health. He remembered his mother and father debating whether to tell his grandmother she had cancer. They spoke to her about it only when she forced the issue, but even then, they had hidden the serious nature of the disease.
“Depression. Medications. What else don’t I know?” Jin perched on the edge of the bed. Despite whispering, his fury was clear.
“Shhh, you’ll wake the others.” Styx didn’t know how to handle Jin’s rage.
“What else don’t I know?” Jin shook his head as if to shake off his outrage. “Just tell me why you did it.”
Styx peered around the overcrowded room again to ensure no one overheard. “I saw on the internet what I did… used to treat… um… what the doctor said might happen.” Masturbation wasn’t something one should talk about, so he remained vague.
Apparently, Jin didn’t get the memo. “You were having trouble getting off?”
Styx grimaced. “Correct.”
Jin leaned back and stared at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
The expression of betrayal confounded Styx. “What did you want me to say?”
Jin filled in the blanks. “So you tried autoerotic asphyxiation?”
Impressive. Jin knew the phrase.
Jin waited until Styx nodded before continuing. “And it worked.”
Styx nodded again, wondering if his face got any redder.
“Was this the first time?” Jin probed.
Shaking his head, Styx plotted to change the subject from the discussion Jin seemed determined to have.
He longed for a different topic. “Let’s talk—”
“You’ve done this before? How often?” Jin barged onward, studying him to find the truth in Styx’s eyes.
Styx didn’t answer. He didn’t want to detail his failures to Jin. He wanted to avoid admitting he scheduled his nights alone to choke himself hard enough to force an orgasm from his limp prick.
“People die from being this stupid! You almost died. Tell me you get that.”
“I’m sorry.” Two meaningless words without action.
“I’m not going to let you harm yourself anymore.” Jin’s soft voice crack
ed with emotion. He caressed Styx’s face with such kindness he forgot where he was.
Styx enjoyed Jin’s hand on his cheek and let a peaceful doze take him. Later, he woke when a nurse injected something into his IV. His gaze landed on Jin, who studied him.
Darkness took Styx back into a deep sleep before he could tell Jin to go home and rest.
STYX WASN’T sure what time it was, but Jin slumped next to him. Blond hair fanned over the mattress as he slept. Styx’s heart clenched as he gazed at Jin’s devotion.
Most people wouldn’t agree with Styx’s assessment of Jin’s attractiveness. They wouldn’t appreciate how his blond hair made his Asian features stand out. Most Chinese attributed golden hair and his spectacular steely ash-gray eyes to a mutation caused by his mother’s poor choice.
Styx tried to keep still so he could memorize Jin, but his full bladder demanded action. He tried to slip out of bed quietly, but the dipping of the mattress caused those impressive eyes to open.
Jin sat upright, already on full alert, and ran his fingers through his blond mop as he smiled at Styx. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just need the toilet.” Styx sat on the edge of the bed and wondered how he’d manage the task.
Without being asked, Jin covered Styx with a blanket and helped him stand. “It’s down the hall. The nurse came in a while ago and unhooked the IV, but let me go with you.”
“I’m fine.” Styx didn’t want to burden Jin. He’d done enough.
Jin wrapped an arm around Styx’s waist. “I know, but I want to help.”
As they strolled down the hall, Styx struggled not to be distracted by Jin’s proximity, but he had no defense against being pressed to Jin’s sleep-warm body. His thoughts became jumbled, but he let the comfort of their closeness wash over him. With an effort, he managed not to say anything stupid.
Approaching the bathroom, Styx noticed something different below his waist. He couldn’t place the sensation.
Jin pointed. “It’ll be easier to use the handicapped one.”
All things considered, that was sage advice. A Western sit-down-style toilet might be easier than the usual squat toilets or a urinal.
