Clover

by Lisa Jade

  “Not a good idea. You didn’t see his reaction when I mentioned it. I know Jay can be a real prick at times, Noah. I’m not blind. But he really does care about everyone here. If he thought any of us were going to be at risk, he wouldn’t agree to it. Especially not if that person is you.”

  “But that’s just it. I wouldn’t be doing some crazy stunt, would I? I’d just head back to the place I grew up. It might take a few weeks to get all the data, but once I did, I could be back pretty fast. Do you really not think he’d go for it?”

  She stands now, pacing the room in a somewhat maniacal manner.

  “He wouldn’t, not if we just present it to him as an idea. But what if we got everything ready?”

  “You think?”

  “Yeah. Jensen and I have talked about it – what if I arranged your route back to the Mill, and Jensen pieced together the remote transmitter? Then, the day of, we’ll drop the news on Jay.”

  I wince. I don’t imagine him reacting well to that. Luckily, Pan seems fairly confident with the idea. I can’t help but think she’s done this before. If there’s anyone who’d be forgiven for going behind his back, it’s her. Still…

  “Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Jay,” I admit, “whether you’re an item or whatever. It’s none of my business. But would he really forgive you if you went against him?”

  “It’s not going against him. I know it seems unfair, but I know your brother. Better than you do, I dare say. I’ve spent years getting to know him, and though he’s a great leader and person, he’s stubborn. He doesn’t know when to admit he’s wrong. Even with this. If it was a stupid idea, he’d have forgotten about it sharpish. But the fact he brought it up to you, that means he’s taking it seriously. And he wouldn’t be doing that unless he knew it was our best shot. We’re just going to make it easier for him to see that. Are you in?”

  I bite back on my refusal. She’s right. She does know Jay better than I do. If she says this is the right thing to do, who am I to refuse her? Sure, the thought of being stranded alone is terrifying, but I’m sure I can manage. Besides, I’ll get to see Nel again. That alone is nearly enough to convince me.

  “Sure. I’m in.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  It only takes two days to get everything ready. Pan pulls a few strings with her friends in the Guard to arrange my safe passage back. As she talks me through it, I feel my irritation flare. The journey into the city had been fraught with danger, especially during the final leg. But Pan’s description is much easier. I’ll load the empty cart into a truck heading to the Docks, and from there I’ll be placed onto a pre-selected boat. The trip between the docks and the Mill is up to me; but it’s practically nothing. I can manage that part without any trouble.

  Jensen summons me into his room and talks me through how to use the transmitter. It’s a tiny hand-held thing, small enough that I can stow it away in my pocket. As long as the Guards don’t decide to search me for any reason, I’m golden.

  “How long will the battery last?” I ask him. I’m still surprised at how much I’ve picked up in the short time I’ve been here – two weeks ago, I didn’t even know that batteries were a thing.

  “That depends,” he says, “to get a good sample size, you need to obtain blood samples from at least five more people. It’s still going to be a fraction of a percent, but even that many will work. If you can get more, do it. A bigger sample size can only make it more accurate. The more you use it, the quicker the battery will go down, but even then I reckon it’s got about six months in it. You won’t be that long, will you?”

  I scoff.

  “No way. I’ll be heading back as soon as I can. I’m not exactly eager to go home.”

  He nods and looks away, and I’m suddenly glad he wasn’t listening too closely. I called the Mill ‘home’ again. I can’t help it; in my head, it’s still the place I grew up. If that wasn’t enough on its own, I straight up lied. I am eager to go back. Not because I want to leave here. I don’t. But then Nel’s dark eyes and patchy carrot-coloured hair flash in my mind, and longing builds in my chest.

  I miss her. I could happily go the rest of my life never seeing the likes of Wirrow or Rian again. But Nel’s the only person I ever really cared about there.

  Except Kane, of course. But he’s in the Mines. Like it or not, I’ll have to leave him there. Once we win this fight we can recover those who were lost, and maybe I’ll be able to find him amongst the thousands. I don’t know if he’ll ever be willing to speak to me again, though. I wish I could speak to him again, even if it was only to apologise.

  Jensen must notice that I’m deep in thought, because he clears his throat.

  “Hey. Are you really up for this?”

  I snap out of it and shrug, plastering a too-broad smile on my face.

  “Sure! This is a piece of cake.”

  “You’re going to be all on your own for a few weeks, you know. However long it takes you to get those samples. After that you can find your way back, but even so…”

  “It’s fine,” I say calmly, “I grew up there, remember?”

  “I know you did. But Pan’s regaled me with the stories you told her about that place. It doesn’t exactly sound nice.”

  “It’s not. But I survived for eleven years. After a while, you just slip into autopilot. You learn to move your body without thinking. To look away when something starts going wrong. It’s easier not to ask questions.”

  It’s been a while since I’ve said that. Even longer since I’ve believed it. Jensen’s eyes narrow at the phrase, too. His lips part as though he’s about to say something, but then he just nods.

  “If something goes wrong, anything at all, use the device on yourself, okay? Once your sample comes through, we’ll know there’s been a problem. We can find a way to get you out of there.”

  “Thanks, Jensen. I’ll keep that in mind. Will you take care of Atlas for me?”

  “Of course. I’ve got some work to do on it anyway, so I’ll keep it safe and secure for your return.”

  “Thank you.”

  “One more thing…”

  He nudges his glasses up on his nose, suddenly nervous. His gaze flits around the room, uncertain – but it eventually settles on me. When he speaks, his voice is low.

  “Come home, okay? You have to. I don’t think that Jay could deal with losing you twice. Even if he could, you’re part of this thing now.”

  I laugh.

  “Jensen, if you’re going to miss me, you can just say so. I won’t laugh.”

  I expect a firm rebuttal, perhaps a little teasing; but instead, he gives a solemn nod.

  “Alright then. I’m gonna miss you.”

  Colour rushes to my face.

  “Y-yeah. Right back at ya.”

  I stare up at the rivets on the ceiling, glaring like I could imprint the image into my memory. I want to remember everything – the bunk under my back, the feeling of being warm and dry and clean. My Mill clothes hang over a chair to my side. They’re still utterly filthy, despite having been washed a few times. Dried dirt and blood have stained the familiar grey hoodie to within an inch of its life.

  The last time I wore that, I met everyone here. Luse and her ‘boys’ had pinned me in the alleyway, trying to rob the cart. At the time, I’d known nothing. Only that I needed to get the stuff to someone called Pan. I remember questioning the name, wondering what kind of bizarre people might name their child after a piece of cooking equipment. I think I put it down to the unusual thoughts of the city folk. They’d seemed so different from those at the Mill. It was like they were from some different world, a universe far removed from my own. Stepping through the city gates had been deeply unsettling; everyone was tall and pale and bored. I’d never met a soul like that before. I’d felt alien as I walked the streets.

  Now? Those streets are my secrets. I know the tunnels that run under Thorne. I know the symbols people wear to let each other know which side they’re on.
I know which streets have tiny, high-tech cameras recording remotely for Jensen’s viewing pleasure. I’ve clutched onto Pan’s back as we’ve raced down the roads, both in moments of delight and moments of utter terror. On these streets, I’ve never felt so scared, or so happy.

  I can’t believe I have to leave it behind. Even if it is only for a little while. I raise one hand toward the ceiling; it’s well out of my reach, but I don’t care. The sight of my own battle-damaged, worn hand next to the highly-polished metal makes me feel out of place and at home at the same time.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  Pan’s sitting across from me, staring from her own bunk.

  “Nothing.”

  It’s true – I’m thinking about skin and rivets and clothes. Nothing of any real consequence, though they mean a lot to me. I drag myself into a sitting position.

  “When’s Jay getting here?”

  “I asked him to come by at nine, so any minute now.”

  As if on cue, someone knocks at the door. But it’s not just Jay that walks in – Nate and Jensen follow, along with both Hue and Nelson. Jensen and I exchange mildly alarmed glances, but it’s with some confidence that Pan stands.

  “Hey, guys. Listen, I brought you here because I – we – need to tell you something.”

  Suspicion instantly overtakes Jay’s face, and he looks me up and down as though searching for clues. Finally, his eyes settle on the Mill clothing hanging nearby. The colour drains from his face.

  “Oh, no. Pan, tell me you didn’t.”

  “Just let me explain,” she says, “everything’s sorted. She’ll be going at midday.”

  “No, she won’t. And you!”

  He rounds on Jensen now, anger flashing in his eyes.

  “You were part of this, weren’t you?”

  “Y-yeah. But there’s a good reason…”

  “There’s no good reason for this. I said no. I trusted you!”

  Suddenly, my irritation flares and I stamp my foot. It’s an unbelievably childish motion and rather unlike me, but that seems to work in my favour as Jay pauses to look my way.

  “Stop this already,” I snap, “this isn’t their fault. They wouldn’t be able to do anything if I hadn’t agreed to it.”

  “I explained exactly why I didn’t want you to do anything like this!”

  “You told me I couldn’t help because I didn’t understand. I respect that, even if it’s not what I want to hear. But I do understand this. I’m the only one who can do this.”

  His anger is building; but Nate rests a bin-lid hand on his shoulder.

  “Maybe we should hear them out. If this is the plan Jensen explained to me before, it makes a lot of sense.”

  “No!” Jay cries, “why won’t anyone listen to me? I’m not risking anyone like that!”

  I take a long, deep breath, letting it out slowly to calm myself. As I found the other day, we’re just too similar. We’re both hot-headed and argumentative, and stubborn to boot. But I’ve already proven that screaming at him won’t change his mind. Only reason can do that.

  “Jay,” I say, “please hear me out. I want to help. I know you’re only trying to protect me, but I can do this. I’m the only one who can.”

  “It’s a good plan,” he admits, “but it’s a huge risk…”

  “I’m willing to do it. I trust Pan and Jensen. I trust that they know what they’re doing. And I know you trust them, too. You know this is the best idea we have if we want people to fight back before the next Cull.”

  “But…”

  “Please. You need to trust me. I can do this.”

  He meets my eyes now, blue against blue. To say he seems hesitant would be an understatement; he looks terrified. I don’t blame him. If things were the other way around, I’d be inconsolable. But then, if things were the other way around, this wouldn’t even be a discussion. Because I would trust him. Blindly, if I had to. No matter what he had to do, I’d hold out hope that he would manage somehow.

  But then he sighs and steps closer, nudging a lock of hair from my eyes.

  “I know you can do it. And I do trust you.”

  “Does that mean…”

  “Yeah. If you’re sure that you’re up for this, I’ll trust you. We’ll go with Pan and Jensen’s plan.”

  Delight fills my chest. Easy. Go back to the Mill, get the samples, come home. Then watch as the Clover fights back and makes everything okay again.

  It’s a small part to play, sure, but I’m proud to be playing it at all.

  At midday I find myself loading empty containers into the cart. They’ve been keeping it in storage for me – something I find strange, considering they had no real use for it. The thought briefly crosses my mind that maybe they knew I’d have to take it back eventually, but I push it aside. They probably just forgot it was here.

  As I move, my standard-issue Mill clothing scratches at my skin. It’s not painful exactly, but a little itchy and uncomfortable. It’s shocking just how quickly I got used to the soft, loose clothing Pan would present me with. Now I’m back to ripped, mucky jeans, my heavy boots and my grey hoodie. I brush a hand through my hair. It still looks too neat to be Mill standard. Too clean, too smooth. But I needn’t worry. The ocean wind and intense heat of the road beyond the city will no doubt leave it a frayed, scorched mess by the time I reach the Mill.

  I have to admit, it feels nice to be back. It sounds preposterous considering all that’s happened, but I kind of missed the simplicity of being a Millchild. As I strap up the cart, instinct takes over. I know where it all goes. I know where to load things, how to lift the heaviest items in the best way. It’s not a skill, not really. Not when I compare it to Nate’s inventions, or Jensen’s talent with computers. But it’s something – and it’s all mine.

  The others watch in silence as I load the cart. I briefly consider asking them to help, then stop. This is a covert operation, after all. I need to know everything that’s done. I need to know the sizing of every last buckle, the positioning of every last box. There needs to be nothing out of place except for my own thoughts.

  Jensen steps forward and passes me the remote transmitter.

  “Don’t forget this. Use the chain to fasten it to the inside of your pocket so you don’t lose it.”

  I take it, complimenting him on his ingenuity. I hadn’t thought about it before, but that’s a very real risk. When pacing muddy fields, it’d be easy to lose something so small.

  He eyes me carefully.

  “Are you absolutely sure you know how to use it?”

  “Yeah. I’ve got it.”

  “Remember that any signal we get, we’ll run against the database. We won’t have any way of telling you if they’re positive or not, which is why we need a sample of at least five people, ideally. If we get the signal with your own blood sample, we’ll know that something’s gone wrong and Pan will get Rian to report what’s going on.”

  Right. Rian sent me here. It wasn’t very long ago, but I’m already having trouble recalling that thin face and those slender shoulders. At the time, I couldn’t tell if he was on my side or not. Now I know – but he’s still a Guard. He showed zero compassion when they threw Kane into the Mines, or when the kid sent into the city before me never made it back. He might have helped us out once, but that doesn’t mean I trust him.

  “Ten minutes until your truck leaves,” Pan reminds me, “and this is a big favour from the Guard. It’s going with or without you, so don’t miss it.”

  I gulp. This is it.

  “I guess I need to go, then.”

  There’s a moment of hesitation as I stare at the others, and they stare back at me. Nobody knows what to say. Not even Pan, though her face is already filled with sadness. I clear my throat.

  “I’ll be back soon, okay? I promise.”

  “You’d better be,” Pan says, and suddenly she reaches out and draws me into a tight embrace.

  “Gonna miss you,” she mutters, “you’d better co
me back.”

  “Hey, this is your plan. Have a little faith.”

  “Hmm.”

  With that she pulls away, but there’s a little emptiness as she does so. It wasn’t a short embrace by any means, but it still feels like it was over too soon.

  I glance at Jay. There’s resistance in his eyes, and his arms are crossed in front of him as he nods and issues a short goodbye.

  “Don’t be like that,” I joke, “I’m your sister. Is that really the goodbye I get?”

  His expression falters, perhaps a little surprised at my attitude.

  “O-of course not.”

  He opens his arms – and just like that day on the boat with Darus, I step into the embrace. This time, there’s no awkwardness. I clutch my brother closely, taking in every aspect of him. His shoulders are broad. His hair is messy. His breath stinks faintly of coffee. Again, tiny details that mean very little in the grand scheme of things. Things most people wouldn’t even notice, let alone care to remember. But for me, it’s important. These are the memories I’ll survive on until I can find my way home again.

  As we break apart, I ruffle his hair.

  “Wait for me, okay? I’ll be back before you know it.”

  He smiles grimly.

  “A few weeks, right?”

  “A few weeks. Then I’m never leaving again.”

  “Good.”

  I strap myself into the bars of the cart, looping the leather strips with surprising ease. Someone pulls open the shutter door. The metal squeals as it opens, flooding the small space with blinding midday sun. I stare into it, half wishing it would rain just a little so I don’t have to walk in this heat. But as I step forward, I hesitate. The others are still standing there, waiting for me to go. Their faces reflect my own feelings. Fear and hesitation mingled with cautious optimism. Suddenly, I feel like there’s so much more to say. Thanks I never gave. Questions I never asked. Tiny, unimportant details I never bothered so disclose. But when my mouth falls open, I only manage one word.

  “Thanks.”

  Jay smiles his familiar smile.