Alex moved restlessly in his seat. ‘I … I don’t know Kate!’
He pushed a hand through his hair and met her eyes and suddenly his movements stopped, his face filling with an expression Kate found hard to understand.
‘I didn’t stop loving you Kate,’ he said softly. ‘I just wasn’t happy, our relationship had changed, it wasn’t the same, you had changed and it wasn’t enough anymore.’
‘I see.’ Kate’s hands were trembling so much she pushed them under the table, out of sight.
‘Oh God I’m sorry Kate. I know this must hurt, I know it probably doesn’t make sense to you, I just can’t really explain what went wrong, I just know it did.’
Kate stared at her glass. She desperately wanted another sip of wine but she didn’t trust her hand to carry out the motion. The table was slightly misty from the tears she was trying so desperately to keep back, but she could see Alex across the table, watching her.
‘You must be very angry with me Kate. I can see why you would be. I never set out with the intention of having an affair, I never wanted to hurt you Kate.’
Many men have affairs as a cry for attention. They need to feel desired, they need to feel appreciated and needed. Many soon realise they’ve made a mistake.
‘Of course I’m hurt Alex. And angry I suppose.’ And heartbroken and desperate and unable to stop crying and in such torment and pain I can hardly breath. ‘But I understand what you’re saying.’
Alex looked at her with such an intense expression it was almost her undoing. It was almost as though nothing had happened, as though the last two weeks had melted away and they were sitting in a restaurant having a meal, two people in love.
‘Thank you Kate.’
‘I suppose what matters now is what we do next Alex. Is this it? Do we both carry on with our own lives now, our separate lives?’
Fiona had instructed Kate to make sure Alex knew she could cope without him, if need be she would shrug her shoulders and start a whole new life without the man she loved. But at this precise moment Kate was very certain that she couldn’t manage another day without Alex, let alone a whole new life time.
Kate waited. She was still hoping beyond hope that this was the moment when Alex would say he wanted to come home. He’d made his point and Kate had said all the things she should, been understanding, allowed him to place the blame for his actions partly on her shoulders. Now he just had to accept it had been a mistake, take Kate by the hand and say he wanted to come home. She realised she was holding her breath, willing him to say the words.
He ran his hand through his hair, sitting back in his chair looking bewildered, lost.
‘I don’t know what to say Kate.’
Say you’ll come home. Say you want to come home. Please, please say you want to come home thought Kate.
‘It’s so hard, knowing what to do for the best.’
Come home, that’s for the best. Come home Alex, come home.
‘I just feel so confused right now.’
Kate clenched her teeth, was he looking for sympathy? Did he want her to reach out a hand and say how hard it must be for him, deciding whether to carry on breaking his wife’s heart or telling Sandra that their moment of madness was over? Her calm exterior was in danger of collapsing. Just say you want to come home, she thought in frustration, let’s get this madness over with and just go home.
‘Kate,’ her heart literally stood still, her entire body absolutely motionless as she waited. ‘I really don’t know what I want.’
Her heart thumped back into action, a big, heavy, disappointed thump.
‘Sitting opposite you right now, I can’t believe I left you, it feels almost like it used to – just the two of us. But I have to remember why I went Kate, I wasn’t happy that’s why I - Sandra – well that’s why things didn’t work. Maybe things can change …’ he gave her a quick look from under his eyelashes. ‘Maybe we can get things back on track, I don’t really know Kate. I just don’t really know,’ and he sat back in his chair with a sigh and finished his now warm beer.
Chapter 17
‘The bastard!’ breathed Fiona when Kate recounted the evening to her friend.
Kate sighed. She had spent weeks reading all the reasons why Alex might have left. She had told Fiona she was ready to accept some of the blame but to actually hear the words come from the man she loved had caused her heart to bleed.
‘It was what I was expecting Fee,’ she admitted in a slightly wobbly voice. After Alex had dropped her back at the house the previous night her control had vanished and she had spent most of the night crying. Her eyes were still red and puffy, but she had climbed out of bed with a new determination to make things work.
‘I thought I was ready to hear him say I’d neglected him or not paid enough attention to him or whatever. I really thought I was ready to hear it.’ Her lips trembled slightly and Fee placed a comforting hand on her friend’s arm. ‘But it hurt so much to hear him say he thought our marriage was over.’
‘Oh Kate, you poor thing. But at least you know exactly why he left now, no more wondering or reading Google. Time to let him go and move on.’
Kate stared at Fiona’s sympathetic face. ‘Move on?’
‘Yes, surely that’s an end to it Kate? You can’t still want him back after last night?’
‘Of course I do!’
‘Are you mad?’ Fiona looked so outraged that for a moment Kate almost laughed. Almost.
‘Of course I want him back Fee, that’s what this is all about.’
‘Yes but Kate, the things he said, the things he …’
‘It doesn’t matter, in fact it’s quite good really.’
‘Good? Good! How can any of this possibly be good?’
‘It’s good because he didn’t fall out of love with me. He …’
‘He said you didn’t pay him enough attention, he got a bit fed up so he had an affair. Are you saying that’s okay?’
Kate patted Fiona’s hand soothingly. ‘Calm down Fee. What I mean is it is actually quite good …’
‘Good!’
‘Stop interrupting! Yes, it’s good because it means he hasn’t fallen in love with someone else. It was exactly what Google had suggested, he was feeling neglected, left out …’
‘Because you had a baby! His baby!’
‘Fee, shut up and listen! I’m not saying it’s good that he felt like that in the first place but it does mean that I can get him back.’
‘I still can’t believe you would let him come back, after everything he said!’
Kate looked at her friend in amazement. ‘Of course I would. I love him, he loves me. We’ve just lost our way a little but it’s nothing we can’t rescue and then Alex will come home and we’ll carry on. Only this time I’ll know that he needs a little more from me and I’ll have to make sure he never feels like this again.’
Fiona was staring at Kate with an open mouth. ‘How can you still love him Kate? How can you even think about letting him come home and carry on as though nothing has happened?’
‘But Fee, you don’t stop loving someone overnight just because they’ve done something stupid. Of course I still love him, I always have and I always will. And,’ she continued stubbornly, ‘he is coming home. He is coming home and we will be happy again!’
‘I don’t think I would ever forgive Stuart if he’d had an affair and then said it was my fault for ignoring him.’
‘But it was partly my fault …’ Kate held up her hand to stop Fiona’s outraged reply. ‘He felt neglected Fee. I can’t pretend that isn’t partly my fault. Maybe I did give too much of my time to other things. You’re always telling me I spend too much time cleaning the house and you said I should have made more of an effort to go out after Millie was born.’
‘Yes,’ grumbled Fiona, ‘but at least I told you, I didn’t go have an affair with someone!’
Kate grinned. ‘That wouldn’t really have worked would it?’
Fiona refused to
smile but her shoulders relaxed a little. ‘I just don’t think you …’
‘Fee,’ said Kate sternly. ‘I am going to get my husband back. He doesn’t love Sandra, he loves me, he is confused but he’s already wondering if he did the right thing leaving. It was very painful to hear what he had to say last night,’ she paused, the pain was in fact unbearable. ‘But it means that I can rescue my marriage.’
Fiona pulled a face. ‘Well I still don’t agree but if it’s what you want …’
‘It is.’
Kate put on the kettle and sat Millie in her highchair ready for her lunch while a disgruntled Fiona failed to stop arguing.
‘Just because someone admits they’ve made a mistake, doesn’t make it okay. He’s behaved really badly Kate, you’re not obliged to forgive him, even if he admits he was wrong.’
‘But I want to,’ replied Kate serenely, sitting next to an eager Millie and feeding her mashed carrots and chicken.
‘You should at the very least tell him what a waste of space he is, how angry you are with him, how you’ll never forget what he did even if you do let him come home.’
‘That won’t help.’
‘According to Google?’
‘According to Google.’
Fiona sighed, a big gusty sigh that swept across the table.
‘How about just one little outburst? A quick bash over the head with a vase so he knows how much he’s hurt you and then you can be all calm and forgiving again?’
Kate giggled. ‘No Fee. No bashing, no accusations. I have to be realistic about my part in it all.’
Fiona pulled a face. ‘Okay, how about a fling with Josh? Some amazing sex, preferably on the salsa floor where everybody will see and tell Alex. That has to be okay? After all, it’s only what he’s done with Sandra.’
Kate didn’t answer straight away. She pretended to be engrossed in feeding Millie but in actual fact her cheeks had flooded with colour at the suggestion. The thought had done strange things to her stomach and when she finally found her voice it was a little breathless.
‘Don’t be silly. Revenge sex never works.’
‘According to Google?’
‘According to Google.’
Fiona sniffed. ‘Well it might not work but I still think it’s a good idea.’
‘There’s no point getting angry about it Fee. It’s exactly as we read on Google, some men just can’t cope with having to share the attention after a baby comes along.’
‘Yeah – I suppose I can see why they would feel unappreciated and neglected after their wives have just gone through a nine-month pregnancy, twenty-six hours of labour and are trying to stay sane looking after a baby and making their tea! Must be dreadful for them!’ grumbled Fiona.
Kate shrugged. ‘It is the way it is Fee, I just need to concentrate on getting Alex back. I’ll carry on doing all the things that Google has suggested. It’s worked so far, I’ll carry on with the plan and Alex will come back. I know he will. And then it’s up to me to make sure he never wants to leave again.’
Eventually Fiona had to admit defeat, having been totally unable to sway Kate from her chosen course and saying goodbye, she disappeared to collect her own family from school and go home to make Stuart some tea and tell him of the unutterable consequences that would follow should he ever even think of being unfaithful.
So on Friday night, unbidden by Fiona, Kate got ready for salsa and found herself humming, actually humming a little tune as she flicked through her wardrobe deciding what to wear. Was she happy, she wondered? She tipped her head to one side and thought very hard. No, of course she wasn’t happy. Maybe she was hopeful? Maybe there was a tiny little kernel of hope that had grown during the last few days. Not enough to sprout into happiness but enough to bring a small smile to her face as she thought about going out and enough to make her carry on humming softly with the tiniest of little smiles on her lips as she carried on searching for something to wear, looking forward to a night out with friends at salsa.
Kate dropped Millie at Fiona’s house as arranged.
‘I might be back a little bit later tonight,’ she said casually as she was handing over Millie’s bag.
Fiona was stroking the top of Millie’s blonde curls and cooing. ‘That’s okay. I’ve told you, this isn’t just about Alex, you need some time to yourself. Try and actually enjoy the evening!’
Kate smiled and nodded, kissing Millie goodbye.
‘Why?’
Kate blinked.
‘Why will you be late? Not that it matters,’ added Fiona hastily, ‘just wondered – why?’
‘Sophie wants me to stay and have a few drinks after salsa,’ she explained. ‘We always have one but she wants me to stay a bit longer tonight. She’s asked Olivia and Helen as well.’
‘And Josh?’ asked Fiona with an impish smile on her face.
‘I don’t really know,’ answered Kate with supreme indifference.
Fiona gave a big sigh. ‘I suppose I should feel dreadfully left out, you out on the town with your new friends, me left at home with the baby.’
‘Oh no Fee, please don’t …’
‘I’m kidding! I think it’s lovely that you’ve got someone else to talk to – and dance with. Have a wonderful time and come home as late as you like,’ and Fiona had shoved Kate out of the door and into Stuart’s waiting car.
The air was still bitterly cold and as Kate walked into the wine bar she glanced round the room, no longer nervous and worried but happy and ready to salsa!
‘Hi,’ said Sophie slightly breathlessly as she took off her padded coat. ‘Still on for drinks tonight?’
Kate nodded. ‘Yes! I’m looking forward to it. I see Alan’s come again,’ she said looking over Sophie’s shoulder.
Sophie couldn’t help the smirk. ‘Mm. He enjoyed himself last week. Wanted me to point out who the partner was I’d had so much fun with the week before.’
Kate giggled. Sophie was obviously very keen on Alan and she had a feeling Alan was very keen on Sophie. He was also clearly very shy.
‘Staying for a few drinks tonight Alan?’ asked Kate as he approached, shuffling his feet.
‘Oh er, yes, I mean I’d like to, but only if Sophie doesn’t… if she thinks it’s …’
‘That’s excellent,’ beamed Kate. ‘I know Sophie was hoping you’d join us.’
She ignored Sophie’s raised eyebrows and instead smiled at the flush of delight on Alan’s face. After all, there was no point anyone else being unhappy. Kate had cornered that department.
She waved as she saw Olivia and Helen walk through the door and then jumped as a hand slid round her shoulders and pulled her in for a hug.
‘Hello salsa partner,’ said Josh, letting her go and watching with amusement the deep blush that spread across her face.
‘Oh, hello.’
‘I was hoping you’d be here,’ he said still watching her.
‘Did you think I wouldn’t come?’
‘Oh I don’t really know what to think where you’re concerned Kate. But I hoped my dancing hadn’t scared you away!’
‘Josh, are you staying for a few drinks after dancing tonight?’
It was Sophie, relishing her revenge.
Josh looked at Kate. ‘That would be great,’ he said, ‘just great.’
Kate blushed more and Sophie clapped her hands in delight. ‘Wonderful,’ she said turning to cast a wink at Kate. ‘Just wonderful.’
The dancing started and this time Kate didn’t flinch every time she and Josh were thrown together, she let herself enjoy the music and the dance. She found herself pressed against Josh’s long lean body on several occasions and far from feeling uncomfortable, it started to feel very normal to have his hand on hers, his hips close to her own. He concentrated hard on the steps but occasionally Kate would turn and find him looking at her, watching her hair fly over her shoulders and her eyes sparkle with energy. And she realised that even when he was unsure about the steps and turning in the wrong
direction he held her so firmly and securely that she didn’t really mind at all. Eventually the hour finished on a round of applause and smiling widely Kate turned to Josh impulsively.
‘Oh that was lovely, don’t you think?’
Josh laughed, pulling a slightly rueful face. ‘Well I don’t think my skills quite match up to yours and I’m so sorry about all the times I stamped on your foot, but yes,’ he smiled, tucking a curl behind Kate’s ear. ‘I did think it was lovely.’
Kate stepped back as though shot. ‘Josh, I did tell you I was married didn’t I?’
Josh shrugged his broad shoulders. ‘Actually you told me that your husband had just left you and your baby daughter to live with someone else.’
‘Yes, well he did. But I’m still married and the thing is he will come home.’
‘And you’d have him back?’
‘Oh yes,’ nodded Kate firmly. ‘You see we love each other and Alex has just made a mistake. He’ll come home and we’ll be married again – well we already are married but you know what I mean.’
Josh didn’t say anything and Kate continued in a hurry.
‘It’s just that I don’t want you to think that – well I don’t want you to feel that …’
‘What I think,’ interrupted Josh firmly, ‘is that if your husband comes back and you want to forgive him, then that will be wonderful for you.’
Kate nodded her agreement.
‘But in the meantime you can have some fun and go to salsa and have drinks with friends and enjoy yourself, can’t you?’
Kate frowned. ‘Well yes but …’
‘There’s nothing wrong with any of this Kate. I won’t deny I’m very attracted to you,’ he watched with amusement as Kate’s blush spread across her cheeks again, ‘but I understand the situation perfectly. It doesn’t stop me wanting to be friends with you. We can be friends can’t we?’
Kate thought for a moment. Wasn’t that exactly what Google had advised? Make new friends, go out, enjoy yourself, let your husband see that if he doesn’t come back to you quickly you are capable of making a new life for yourself. She didn’t remember reading anything on Goggle that advised doing all of those things with a 6’ foot hunk who had the most amazing blue eyes, dark hair and a very strong jaw. But perhaps she’d just missed that bit.
Google Your Husband Back Page 14
