by Yoshiyuki Ly
“Mmm, at least I tried,” she murmured. Raj embraced me. She didn’t want to let me go. Across the landing, I saw a few of her bandits watching us with stoic expressions, like they didn’t approve. “I’m glad you pursued me first. I liked it. Not that this’ll influence your decision or nothin’, but… I’m fallin’ for you already. Even if you tell me no, I’m stayin’ after you. Politely, that is. Enough to flatter you, to make you feel nice after what I did. This ain’t like me at all…”
Raj held me tighter and kissed me deeply. I nearly forgot about the death stares from across the way, submerged in the suddenness of her sincerity. It took everything in me to not follow her to her bedroom. If I had, she would’ve thought that this was okay. I wanted her to know how important this was to me. Giving in too quickly wouldn’t accomplish that, despite the temptation. Her body against mine enlivened me to the highest heights. I forgot myself and grabbed her waist, slipping down to her thighs, grabbing her there. Raj’s sigh, and her instinct to wrap her arms around my neck—they got to me too much. I hiked her up and slammed her back against the wall. She moaned into my mouth, quietly begging for me to take her then and there. Her wiles ate away at my self-control, faster and harder as I kissed and pushed my hips between her in the same ways. This constant feeling of not being able to breathe, finding life again in her reactions to me—I couldn’t escape it, not with her shorts against me getting more and more soaked by the second. I growled because I couldn’t pull away. I broke our kiss to actually breathe, letting my lips hinge along hers, shifting between her upper lip, tempted to bite her lower one.
“Come take it out on me,” she whispered. I groaned against her neck. Her perfume—the cherry blossom perfume—how it lured me in all over again… She wore this on purpose to draw me to her, to drive me wild. “My room’s not too far away. You can carry me there; throw me down on my bed and fuck me just right. Show me how long you can go for.” Raj fanned her hands out along my shoulders, my back, keeping me against her. I had no idea why this elegance from her got to me so much. “I’ve got a strap-on that I want you to wear. Please, Videl… Please don’t make me wait any longer.”
I let out a shuddering breath. “Is this what you meant?” I asked in a low voice. “You want to own me, to possess me—like this? Overpowering me with your femininity and sexuality until I don’t have a choice anymore? Until all I can think about is fucking the hell out of you over and over again?”
Raj ran her nails through my hair. “Yes, this is what I meant,” she said softly. “Mental before the physical before the emotional. Ain’t this what you want?” Heat built in my neck and face because I couldn’t say the words or act on them. She arched into me. “You’re so damn sexy when you get like this, you know. Are you gonna make me touch myself alone while you sleep in the other room?”
“Yes,” I said firmly, setting her back down. Raj sighed, disappointed; hot and bothered. The sadness in her eyes looked a lot like childish innocence. “I’m not letting you off the hook just like that…”
She moved to bite gently along my ear. “…as much as you want to, you won’t. That it?” I grit my teeth and nodded. Raj let out an amused, breathy sound. “As long as my body’s hot enough for you, I’ll settle for my punishment.” Raj moved from the wall, smoothing her hands along my shoulders as she did. “You get some rest now. I’ll go smoke a roll of Kurtz’s black velvet from that box you gave me. It gets me lifted as I think about you. I always want you when I’m comin’ down, too.”
I watched her leave down the hall. Raj turned around, once, glancing at me from over her shoulder. With only one look, she made me feel like an idiot for letting her walk away from me. But I needed her to learn this about me—that I couldn’t accept secrets or playing games. But my logic didn’t stop me from feeling like a fool. It really didn’t…
***
Videl,
I’ve got a lot to tell you but I’m not sure how to say it. I’m not a writer. Nothing like you. Letters are meaningful. Conversation is full of words you can forget in a few seconds. You’ll have this to come back to whenever. I’ll try my best for you.
The truth is that I’ve been scared. I’m afraid of my enemies taking you away from me. They see us smiling together, holding hands and it puts ideas in their heads. These days I only have two real enemies. The rest are a bunch of jokers who don’t stand a chance against me. Mistress Fury is my main problem. I can’t do much to hurt her because her whore house funds the food charities for my people. Without her, Nirvana would be a sham, and I’d be broke. The other person came up more recently. No, it’s not Kurtz. Not anymore thanks to you. He did some digging for me and found out why Mistress Fury wants to mess with me. Turns out she’s been biding her time. She waited until I was at my prime to target me. I guess you could say that, yeah, now’s a good a time as any. The thing about her is she’s a sadist. She gets off by playing with puppets in the shadows. She likes to sit back and watch the madness play out while no one knows she started it. I’ve got nothing against her. I was with her wife before they got together. Nyte. Kurtz tells me you know about her. I promise you I’ve got no feelings for her anymore. I care about her, plain and simple. Mistress Fury acts all high and mighty but she’s a catty bitch at heart. She doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve like I do. In her eyes, I’m guilty of living my life the way I do. That and I run Elysium better than she ever did. She hates me for it.
So what did she do to punish me? She picked a toy from Eden for me to play with. You. She picked you. She’s from Eden. Your old Mistress might know someone named Miranda who used to live in Venus’ Embrace. Mistress Fury’s the only person down here who can come and go between Elysium and Eden. Even I can’t. I forget what she did to get that kind of treatment. Anyway, she knew that you and Nyte are kind of similar. She figured that I’d be really into someone like you. I’m sure Nyte’s given her the lowdown on me. I’m picky with women because I need one I can rely on. You’re a paladin for fuck’s sake. Reliability’s your middle name. Mistress Fury knew that and picked you to give to me. Not out of the kindness of her own heart. What she gives, she can take away. I’ve got no idea how she plans on doing that. Knowing her, it’ll be some kind of mind fuck. Then I think about what I’ve put you through, and she’s winning already. I won’t give into her games.
Kurtz didn’t give me this information because he wanted to. I didn’t ask for it. Vespair ordered him to do it. I know you and her are real close. I won’t blame you if you don’t believe this next part. The other night, she cornered me. She used her dark knight powers to scare me. Said something about you being like a daughter to her, and she’d make sure I’d pay if I hurt you. When you walked away from me last night, she was happy. She wanted me to let you go. You might be pissed but…please don’t let her know.
This might be a bad idea. You could be a double agent for all I know. If I fall for you and let you in like this, I’m risking so much. You’ve done nothing but show me what a good person you are. This is one of the rare times in my life when I get to follow my heart. I want you, Videl. I want you so much that I can’t imagine anyone better than you. Other than Elysium’s future, you’re all I dream about. It’s so deep that it freaks me out sometimes. I want you to trust me enough to use those toys on you. The ones you gave me. I have some of my own, too. The submission gets to me. I don’t need a bunch of rules like other people. As long as you trust me. As long as you want me to push your limits. As long as you need me to care for you after, I’ll do all of that and more.
Will you give me permission to have that with you? Or will you consider it? I want us to be together. I want to share this part of me with you. I’ve teased about you taking me, I know. But I do think about it happening the other way around. What it would be like for you to let your guard down completely for me. I wonder what you’d sound like underneath me. I don’t know if you’re into that. If you weren’t before, I’d love the chance to show you that it’s worth it with me. I wouldn’t want us to just fuck all
the time. I can’t believe I’m saying this… I’d love to love you one day.
Take your time and think about it. Everything. Whatever you decide, I’ll respect your decision.
All yours,
Raj
***
I spent most of my time sleeping over the next few days. When I was awake, I worked on that screenplay with Satya. We’d go down to the theater with her troupe and have brainstorming sessions. Things were coming along just fine, except she wanted me to play the Holy Knight. During dinner one night, Raj made a passing comment that she’d love to see me play that part. An irrational part of me already wanted to do as she said. I quietly accepted my fate. Luna and Satya were ecstatic about it. I didn’t mind so much, except I couldn’t act. At all. Then again, it would give me something to do during the day other than meditating and praying. When I slept, my rest was so deep that it was like a coma—a frustration-induced coma that I’d fallen into. Vespair had gone behind my back and threatened Raj to stay away from me. I forced myself to catch up on all the sleep I’d lost over the past few weeks since I got here. If I dared to call her, she’d know that Raj told me, and things wouldn’t end well. Raj had asked me not to do that. She respected my need for space; I respected her wishes with this little problem. Through my dreams, I watched Raj’s silhouette surround me. Her sari drifted in the winds of my wants. She tempted me just like she had in the hallway—to an extreme, and with a different taste than I was used to. It was something she’d hinted at toward the end of her letter. I couldn’t stop imagining it.
In the darkness of the early morning, I let those thoughts overwhelm me. Even though I’d been thinking about what she’d asked me, I didn’t stop paying attention to Raj when I was awake. I’d made the mistake of kissing her again last night. She’d nearly lured me into her bedroom. Her persuasion slithered through my memories, making me relive her words and her touch.
My own touch slipped down between my legs. I gripped my shorts. I clawed my hands back up my sleeveless shirt. It was pointless. Raj’s allure stayed with me in the dark. She wouldn’t leave me alone. The novelty wouldn’t leave me alone. I fantasized about her unlocking the door, quietly, and coming inside. I thought about Raj crawling on the bed, crawling over me. The feeling of her body over mine—the thought of it—made my hand stay over my soaking heat. I waited. I wanted. I wondered.
“Seems to me you ain’t doin’ much thinkin’ at all,” I imagined her whispering along my mouth. ”That normally involves weighin’ the pros and cons. Considerin’ what could go wrong. Things like that. All you’ve been doin’ is thinkin’ about all the ways I drive you mad. You should keep doin’ it…” Raj spread my legs open. She reached between me, pulling on the strap-on she’d mentioned before. ”Touch yourself.” In reality, I was helpless to the command, hot and slick as I stroked. In fantasy, I was helpless to the sound of tearing fabric; she ripped my shorts off, wasting no time. She made me feel so small underneath her. So weak. I didn’t have to worry about anything like this. Everything made sense in emotion. ”Open up some more. Mmm, just like that. I want you completely…exposed…to me…”
Raj pushed through me in my imagination. I kept stroking myself to the thought. Both of them blended into one. What I did was the same as Raj fucking me, blindsiding me with this sudden need. No more words between us. Only physicality. She rammed into me. She raked her hands underneath my back. She reached up and around and gripped my shoulders. I nearly felt my body rocking in-time with her movements. The building pressure between me washed everything out, letting that illusion take over. The suddenness of this desire made this urgent—needy. I couldn’t hear the heat waves moving through the night anymore. Just Raj moaning into my ear. Just the sounds of my own slickness wrapping around my fingers. That heat I’d written about in her poem surrounded me again. Sweat ran down my face. Pressure built between me, between us. I turned over on my stomach, expecting release. Mentally, she stopped me, underneath me this time.
“You flipped it on me,” she said. ”So fuck me. Get off to this instead. Get into it—into me. Deep inside. I want you to think of me as your Venus Gospel. Everything you’ve wanted.”
The scene changed with my position, and Raj’s orders followed. Seamlessly, I imagined myself inside of her, still touching. She wrapped her long legs around me. The looseness of her thighs rocking in reaction to my thrusting made me lose my damn mind. I didn’t dare make a sound. I breathed harder. The sounds were rough as gravel as they pushed through my throat. Raj’s breathing quickened, softened, heightened. In my head I fucked her harder, as she needed. Higher-pitched she sounded, wanting and needing; she gripped my back and begged for more. My eyes stayed wide shut against my pillow—against the illusion of her dark, shimmering hair beneath me. She cried my name over and over again, arching into me, as I needed. That impossible heat I lost it all in the sweet sounds of her imagined release; it triggered me again and again, spilling me raw into my hand.
I moved over onto my back to catch my breath. She wasn’t there. Raj was in her room, and yet she’d been so close to me in spirit. Then I looked over and saw Luna sleeping peacefully next to me. I bit my lip to keep from reacting out loud. I instinctively crawled out of bed and moved down to the cold hardwood floor. I shut my eyes and gripped my head in my arms. I stayed down there all morning, coming down from my high in shame. I prayed that she hadn’t heard me and was just pretending to stay asleep. At least I had my answer for Raj. I found the courage to go to her room and talk to her.
***
Within the quiet sanctuary of Raj’s room, I could hear my emotions washing over me. Within that silence, Raj lay over the bed. She stirred and smiled at me, pleasantly surprised I’d decided to visit. I knelt down along the floor near the side of her bed and kept my head bowed to her. Horizons in my heart broadened as I waited for her permission to lift my head up. Raj was so much closer to me after I let myself fantasize about her earlier. Ardently close—I could feel the warmth of her smile right against my bowed head. Her zeal, her vigor to live dared me to dream beyond my limitations. I felt it all building with my arousal at simply kneeling before her, promising with words unspoken that I would be completely loyal to her.
“What’s on your mind, sweet pea?” asked Raj. “Talk to me.”
“I want you to stop holding back,” I finally said.
“Is that so? You’ve got no idea what you’ve givin’ me permission to do. If I let loose in a scene, you won’t recognize me.”
“If I do the same, you won’t recognize me, either,” I told her. “What matters most is that the trust is there. When things get out of hand, that’s what the safe words are for: fuck off.”
Raj laughed, haughty all of a sudden. “Mmm, you don’t know what you’re in for,” she murmured.
“Mock me all you want,” I said. “I’m sure about this. I want your compassion as much as I want your darkness. It would be such a waste to only have one side of you. All that does is breed complacency. I want everything with you.”
Raj knew there was something more. We’d never talked directly about my insecurities, my fears. Suddenly I felt myself shaking. I’d easily fantasized earlier about her taking me. I hadn’t felt ashamed to let go with her. But that was all it was—a fantasy. Being immersed in the real thing wouldn’t have been the same. I wanted—needed—the real thing with her.
She said she would take a bath while I took the time to settle down. While she was in the bathroom, I opened her nightstand’s topmost drawer. I looked down at the strap-on she owned. I kept staring at the leather straps, thinking about Raj’s body and how gorgeous she was. I wanted to know how far she’d let me go with her. I needed to see how much she would bend her spine for me. I imagined her crying out my name in pleasure, in apology. I felt my pulse pick up. I wrapped my hand around the base of the dildo, picturing Raj’s hand there instead, pulling me inside of her. Whatever had hooked me to her was there, deep in her core. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to tear it ap
art and make it bleed if it refused to let me go. I knew that I could never kill it and be free from Raj’s thrall. I didn’t want to be.
Raj’s essence was a train-wreck of burning emotions and restrained impulses. Physically strong, impossibly beautiful, fiercely passionate—barely holding everything back behind her control, slamming into it again and again, crashing, destroying and wrecking without penetrating enough to show anyone the whole truth. I loved being around her because I felt that energy brimming from her with such fullness, no matter how calm she seemed. I needed to show her that I longed to worship the wreckage in her soul. I lit some vanilla incense around the room for irony’s sake and to calm my nerves. Then I went to stand by the bathroom door. It was barely ajar. I listened to Raj sigh heavily as she lay in the bathwater. I stepped into the room. Raj didn’t notice me at first. She lay on her side, facing away from me. I kept my steps light along the dark rugs. Her sari was folded neatly over the sink. All of her jewelry lay on top of the black silk.
Then she spotted me standing right next to the bath.
Raj nearly jumped in surprise. “Fuck, you scared me!” She breathed, holding her hand over her heart. “Why didn’t you say somethin’?” I stared at the lean bends of Raj’s thighs through the suds of soap. She took a deep breath, uneasy again. “What is it…?”
I dug my fingertips over her full breasts, down to her waist. Raj arched in my touch—toward me, away from me, and breathing out her moans. I leaned over the bath to kiss her jaw. Firm enough to give her a taste of my intentions. Raj’s voice filled my ear. Her anticipation scarred her breathing against my face. I edged my lips closer to hers, closer, to make her breathe harder; to make her want it. I pulled at her hips, forcing her to turn her body over in the water. I gripped the roots of Raj’s hair, holding her mouth right at the edge of breathing and drowning.
She tried to hold back the sounds of her fear. There was no point. I liked having her here.
