by Yoshiyuki Ly
“Be honest with me,” I said in her ear. “You like having me do whatever you want, don’t you?” I scratched down her back with my free hand. Raj writhed, whining, getting to me. She managed to nod her head for me. “I need to know for certain that you don’t want to play games with me. If I’m going to trust you…I want your word.”
Steadily I let go of her, watching as Raj pressed her hands along the bath. She glanced at me, her eyes shaped by her sharp beauty, edged with lust.
“Has anyone been able to satisfy you completely?” she asked me.
“I’ve never let anyone dominate me like that,” I said. “I’m used to physically being in control. I have no idea…I don’t know what it’s like to be underneath a woman. You’re the only one I’ve wanted to let have me. There’s just something about your controlled energy. I sense how much you hold back every day. I don’t want you to hold back with me.” Raj arched her back deeper as she breathed, her gaze wholly fixated on me still. “What about you? Have you ever been satisfied by someone?”
“Not completely. Then again, with me, it ain’t about satisfaction. It’s deeper than that.”
Raj stepped out of the bath, wrapping a towel around her body. I held her close to me and rubbed her body down to dry her. We went to lie down together in her bed. I felt Raj breathing in my arms, wondering if she’d make me wait this time. I turned around and saw silhouette behind me, dark as a ghost. Vespair stood near the bed as a gathering of shadows. She leaned over me to whisper, “I missed you.” She ran her gloved hand through my hair, so real that I flinched. “I’ll make sure she shows you what I tried to protect you from.” And then she disappeared as if she’d only been an illusion. Illusion or not, the idea of Vespair finding me here like this unsettled me. The unsettling turned into unravelling into vulnerability.
I sucked in my breath when Raj eased her hips into mine, as if to make sure I was still there. She turned around in my hold. I stared into her eyes, at the shine over her smooth skin. Something seemed different about her. She smiled at how my pulse had quickened next to her ear. I was so distracted that I hardly noticed the way she moved on top of me. When Raj kissed me, she stole my breath from me, twisting it into nerves, tonguing them back into my mouth for me to swallow. Softness I remembered from her lips had changed into stronger pushes. Light aggression, subverted just enough to keep me from noticing, to keep me from panicking—it struck at me all the same, starting this foreign pressure everywhere inside of me. Raj made it worse when she slipped her hands beneath my shirt, over my waist, somehow making me feel so small by her touch alone.
My skin barely held it all in place. My mouth against hers refused to call out in case I didn’t recognize the sound. This building, burning want clashed against everything in my head that kept me together. Raj burned her fingertips down to my thighs. She tried to pry them open. I held them together, nearly losing myself underneath the strength of her weight on top of me. “Open your legs,” she growled in my mouth. A stranger sounded out soft refusal—it wasn’t me. It couldn’t have been me… “What’s the matter, Videl? You want me to hold back?” I shook my head. That wasn’t good enough for her. She clamped her hand over my jaws, forcing me to look at her. “Speak up, girl. Do you want out or not?”
“No,” I said, still not recognizing myself. That on top of the way Raj surprised me—they both made me so wet for her. I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t understand anything anymore.
“That’s exactly what I like to hear,” she whispered. Raj smirked through my short breaths. “You’ve got such a hot body, you know that? It’s so fucking feminine that it makes my mouth water. And you don’t wanna face it. God, it drives me mad.” She gripped my sleeveless shirt right at my cleavage. I grabbed her wrists, quietly begging her not to do this. All that did was make her laugh at me. “Look at you! You can’t even hold your hands still.” Raj forced my wrists behind my head, holding them in place with one hand. I shut my eyes to hold back this pressure exploding everywhere in me. When she laughed again, I felt myself getting wetter, wetter and worse and worse and worse. Because she didn’t know. Or because she knew some of it, and she was reckless enough to not go easy on me, pushing me anyway. “I want you to face what you are, and I want you to enjoy it. If you ain’t enjoyin’ it…tell me to fuck off and I will. Simple as that. Otherwise I’m gonna have my way with you.” She tore off my shirt, lifting my arching body with the fabric. In the same vein, she tore away another layer of me. I bit down on my lower lip to keep from crying out. “I want you to scream and cry like the girl you are—the one you’ve been tryin’ to ignore all this time.”
I couldn’t stifle anything when Raj bit and sucked on my breasts, mouth-watering, dripping down. Volatile reminders of what I was mixed in with her thoughtless want of me. Every sensation her licking tongue, her pressing lips and gnashing teeth gave me shoved me into this corner that I couldn’t escape from. When Raj ripped my boxer briefs off, throwing the remains away, it was the same as shoving me down to the floor in that same corner. I trusted her enough to not curl up and hide—but I needed to. I resisted that need by the liberation from feeling her pry my legs open. But my pride, my persona—it shouted inside of me, rattling the cages of my bones, screaming bloody murder for my psyche if I didn’t get the hell away from her right that second. Raj’s carelessness made me want to stay open to her; to love the feeling of her on top of me; to finally stop caring about all of that.
Metric tons of weight clashed against my skin when I whined from her touch between me. Volumes of pressure built in my head when she kissed down my body. She held me underwater with her strength alone, threatening to drown me if I didn’t let go in her arms. Everything slipped into overdrive when I felt her hot breath against me. Raj lapped me up, swallowing, eating me out harder than I could handle. Her smirk plastered wet between me and her laughter pulsed up and into me, breaking my pride all the more. I seeped thicker into her mouth by the second, squeezing her head between my thighs to make her stop—to not stop—to keep going—to slow down and shut all of this down and let me go. Her tongue pressed hard enough to force reactions out of me.
Faceless people appeared in my thoughts. They watched me, pointing and laughing. Everything I’d built up for myself meant nothing anymore. All the broken glass pricked at me in this corner of shame. I didn’t know who this person was. The one who whimpered Raj’s name without any control. The one who got off to it—nearly, way too close. Building gravity along the tip of her tongue, about to fall down and flood her; barely held back together by the dam of my humiliation. It felt like Raj broke my bones one at a time while ordering my body to scream in pleasure from it all.
I gripped Raj’s sweating head and forced her back. She growled in protest, mouth dripping of me. I grabbed the shredded remains of my clothes and covered myself with them. When she tried to pin me back down, I ran across the room in a pitiful effort to get away from her. I stopped against a wall. Her predatory breathing told me that she wasn’t done with me yet. I felt her press her body against my back soon after. I writhed between her and the wall, heart and body opening up to her all over again, despite everything.
“I didn’t say you could run,” she hissed against my neck. Raj snatched away the shreds of my clothes. “I’ve spent ages wishin’ I could tear you down like this. I’m not lettin’ you get away from me.” She grabbed my soaking thigh, forcing my legs apart again. “You can act scared all you want. I know you need this from me as much as I need it from you.” She eased her hand between me, stroking to tease. I clawed at the wall, trying to muffle myself against the cold surface. Her same hand, she moved up to my face, making me suck on two of her fingers. “You taste how thick that is? I want more of it. I want you dripping down to your knees. Keep your legs open for me, baby…”
Raj moved her hand back down between me. She kissed my shoulder and neck, biting hard enough to bruise. I wanted to fall down to the floor and curl up, to protect myself from her, but I couldn’t. Sh
e wouldn’t let me go. She wouldn’t stop loving me with this forcefulness I never knew I needed. Without warning, Raj slipped her same two fingers up and into me, breaking away any innocence I had left. She held my body still in her other arm, keeping me bound to her. Raj fucked me hard, hard, harder by the second, forcing my mouth away from the wall; forcing me to sound exactly the way she wanted me to. Feeling her inside of me drove me wild. I didn’t stop myself from feeding her sadism. Falling into this weakness unshackled me again. Every movement of her joints in me, her knuckles against me, and her thumb stroking me blurred my perceptions. I wasn’t anyone anymore—I was only what she wanted me to be. I didn’t have to think. I didn’t have to hold onto my pride. I didn’t have to worry about what my sister would think if she saw me like this.
Raj growled in my ear, “I’m gonna make your body remember me—inside and out.”
My heart hammered out of my chest and against the wall. My legs wouldn’t stop shaking. Her sadism unwound me completely, if only for this moment. I breathed harder until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I screamed harder when Raj rammed her fingers higher into me, forcing me all the way open, coming down into her hand. Every minute, every hour, every day and every year I’d spent putting these false pieces together broke with my voice. Raj bent my body backward, carrying me on this makeshift pedestal she’d made for me. She wasn’t done. She still wasn’t. She was never going to be. I could only break myself down so many times for her—once, or not at all, or never again.
Raj threw me down over the bed. She crushed her lips against mine, ravenous, insatiable. I trembled underneath her, realizing what she’d done. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t defend myself from her. I held back this explosive need to cry. I was drenched in her sweat. If I opened my legs, I’d feel that loss—how I’d drenched her in my loss of control for her, with her, in that way I’d refused to do for anyone else. I felt that mounting pressure all over again, submerged all the way at the bottom of the ocean, lungs burning for air that would never come for as long as Raj loved me this hard.
Raj pulled away enough to notice. “Videl…? Videl, babe, what’s wrong?” She tried to hold my face; I turned away from her. I shut my eyes, imagining a solitary space for myself where no one could see me. I could handle her breaking me. I couldn’t handle this broken aftermath—not at all. Raj held me close, letting me breathe again. “Did I push you too hard?”
I wrung my hands out to diffuse the tension there. I gripped her around her shoulders, feeling that loss again, just from her weight on top of me. Those faceless voyeurs laughed at me for going back to her. They laughed at me because I should have known better than to trust someone as fucked up as her. Saying the words loud enough forced that laughter away, justifying my fear; containing all of my emotions into this, “I don’t care how far you bend me…I can’t stop you.” Blurred images of her beauty came into view when I finally opened my eyes. She calmed her concern, changing it into longing, understanding. “You know enough about this. I don’t want to talk about it—not now. I need you more than anything. No matter how much it scares me, I’m not backing down.”
Raj knew better. She pulled the duvet aside and had me lie down with her. She held my head close to her chest, stroking my hair in silence. If my words were going to come true, then I needed her to not hold back with me anymore. If that was against the rules, I didn’t care.
Chapter Seven
Fealty
(Raj)
Ishouldn’t have resisted you last night.
Such a simple note from Videl had my stomach in knots. I’d walked into my office right at dawn and found this on my desk. I stared down at the bit of paper. I turned the words over in my mind. I memorized the flow of her slanted handwriting—it wasn’t as neat as the poem she’d written me. Still disciplined in its own way. More urgent this time. I grazed my hand along her small craft, fingers and wrist trembling. I’d been terrified that I pushed her away last night. I knew she had troubles with her gender. It was selfish of me to be that aggressive with her right off the bat, but I hadn’t been able to help myself. Seeing this note from her steadily helped to calm my nerves. I held my breath to keep my control. Finn was in my office with me, going on about some shit I didn’t care about. I nodded every now and then to make him think I was listening. Really, all I could think about was what had been on Videl’s mind after the night we’d had. This seriously got in the way of work. I had to remember that I had a city to take care of. There were a bunch of particulars to sort out with my meeting with Nyte later that night at Slutgarden—how long Kurtz could distract Mistress Fury for, certain people from other gangs who’d crowd the area and hide us talking together or tip us off if she got suspicious. All of it had to be organized. So I did my best to keep it together until the evening. I thought about asking Videl to come with me as my girl—nothing less.
Too often throughout the day, my fantasies got the better of me. I noticed it whenever my breathing slowed and my surroundings faded away. I stayed put in this room; every part of me reached out to her. By the time six o’clock rolled around, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I wanted her to take me.
“Is something wrong?”
Videl walked slowly into my office. She looked worried about me. It was another small thing that got to me so much. I didn’t realize how much I needed her support—not until she knelt down in front of me. I had her settle her head in my lap. She stayed there, holding me around my waist without a word. Pure elation built inside of me like nerves. I stroked her hair; smoothed down her upper back through her shirt. Her quiet devotion settled all of my worries about us.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes,” I said, smiling. “Just another one of those days. Don’t you worry about me.” Videl nodded along the silk of my sari. “What about you, sweet pea? Your day go all right?”
“I was supposed to spend the day with my sister,” she replied. “Technically, I did. I watched her help the history teachers with their classes. I wasn’t really there with her. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
She breathed along my thighs, pressing her lips there, warming us both. Videl took her time, kissing up my body. I held her along her shoulders as she moved. She lightly licked my lips; I let her in, let her whisper through me: “Last night helped me make up my mind. I want to serve you. I want to please you—treat you as the Empress you are. Whenever you’re having a bad day, I’ll make you feel better.” Deeply, she kissed me. Not hard, not forceful, just into me, fully. “I’ll do whatever you need. You won’t always have to say the words. Let me show you.”
Videl swept me into her arms and carried me out of my office. I wrapped my arms around her neck and shoulders, laughing from the surprise. I definitely didn’t expect this, and that made it even better. I couldn’t remember ever being on cloud nine like this: almost floating along with her strength supporting me. As she led us to my room, there was a sense of urgency about her steps. This was like a mini journey for me. After all the teasing and uncertainty and fears, I was finally free in her arms. I could forget all about the whispers around Elysium about Videl, about me, about us. Through Videl’s neck next to my face, I felt all the tension I’d built up in her. I needed her to let all of it out on me tonight.
When we made it to my pitch black bedroom, I locked the door behind us. I hadn’t cleaned up much. My bed was still messy and I had a bunch of books lying around. Videl switched between groaning and holding her breath. Her grip around my leg tightened. I burned this feeling into my memory: this feeling just before she rushed to my rustled bed and threw me down. Videl lunged on top of my body and kissed into me again—along my lips, down my jaw, her hands grabbing me all over with need. Her sudden energy shocked me in the best of ways. I wanted to take advantage of it.
I held her head in my arms, whispering, “You like followin’ orders, do you?”
Videl groaned again, against my neck. “Yes,” she said. “All I want to do is please you.”
“Mmm, good.
No talking. Just feel me. I’m curious how you’ll do it this time.”
She hooked her arms beneath my legs and pushed me up higher along the headboard. I let her hear how much I loved her strength. Videl kept her grip there. She knelt between me, angled her abs right against me, arching up, grinding; reaching with her kiss. She kept grinding against me, almost thrusting and breathing in short, labored bursts. Her hands, she hooked around my shoulders, gripping, fingertips digging into me. My shorts got more and more soaked by the second. But I wouldn’t let her take my sari off. Not yet. I held the back of her neck in my hand, and the base of her spine with the other, forcing her to keep doing this to me. I loved controlling her movements. I adored hearing and feeling her frustrations build in her body as spasms.
I pulled her shirt off. The sleeveless top she had on underneath clung to her body. I left that one alone. I told her to take off her trousers and boots, and she did.
“Fold ‘em,” I told her. Videl bowed her head and caught her breath, doing as I said. She remembered that I’d ordered her not to talk, and so she nodded. Between my legs she stayed as she made sure every fold was perfect. “Keep your briefs on. I like how boyish they are.”
Videl kept her eyes to mine, unflinching. She kept that lustful control in her gaze: the kind I liked from her and only her. From her stare, and what she wanted to do, I felt absolutely revered by her. I smoothed my hands down her bare shoulders, her toned arms, and the curve of her waist. I guided her hands to my hips, in awe of how much she trusted me. Videl gripped my shorts. I wanted them off. She read my silence right and ripped them from me. She spread my sari out around me to keep it out of the way. Again she curled her arms around my thighs. Her broken breaths she panted along there. Wetness dripping down—she didn’t dare stare. Not directly. I ran my hands through her hair, gripping her roots to control her head. More of that control coursed through her quavering neck. She licked the thickness that had dripped from me; as a trail, I led her higher, making sure she drank every last drop.
