Saving Abby

by Steena Holmes

  Abby nodded and set her cup down.

  “But the tumors are growing. What does that mean?” Josh asked, his voice sounding pinched.

  “What it means is that it’s time to act.”

  Claire jumped to her feet. “I’m not putting my child in danger. It’s not time.”

  “Of course not. Settle down.” Abigail gripped the edge of the desk with both hands and leaned slightly forward.

  “You’re far enough along that we can now discuss bumping up your delivery date, which is where I come in. We’re obviously not going to hit the projected late January time frame. The earliest I would consider delivering your baby is twenty-eight weeks. There’s a 96 percent success rate if we wait till then.” She held up her hand as Claire was about to interrupt her. “We’ll have a team in place, and everything will be fine. Trust me. I’m not just pulling a number out of the air, Claire. I’ve been consulting with colleagues for weeks about this.”

  “You have?” Claire was at a loss for words.

  “I asked you to trust me, right? I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it. I will not allow you to argue with me, Claire. Do you understand me? I will save your life and this baby. I will hold my godchild in my arms and help plan birthday parties with you. This will work.”

  Josh’s hold of her hand tightened. “You promise?” When Abby nodded, he reached over and held Claire tight.

  “We’re going to be okay,” Josh whispered.

  “We’re going to be okay,” Claire whispered back.

  She looked to Abigail and mouthed thank you. She knew there was more, that more needed to be said. But for now, this was enough.

  “So what’s the next step then?” Josh asked. “Surgery? Radiation?”

  Before Abigail could respond, a cold tingling coursed through Claire’s body, from the tip of her head down to her toes. She didn’t want Abby to respond. She wanted to live in the blissful ignorance that once her baby was born, all would be okay.

  “As long as the tumors haven’t grown more in the next month, we can still do surgery.”

  “And if they have?” Claire found the strength to ask.

  Abigail remained silent.

  “How much time do we have?” Claire held on to Josh’s hand as she asked.

  “One month,” was the response. “We have four weeks until you are twenty-eight weeks along.”

  Four weeks. Four weeks for her body to behave itself. Four weeks for her baby to grow and her tumors to . . . no, she wasn’t going to go there. She had four weeks for her baby to grow. That is what she would focus on.

  “Well then,” she said with false cheer. “We’ve got four weeks to meet all our deadlines and get ready for our baby. Guess we’d better get to work.”

  THINGS TO EXPERIENCE WITH OUR CHILD

  Watch a balloon take flight and fly away.

  Watch a parade. (Claire: I want to take a photo of our boy/girl on daddy’s shoulders while eating ice cream. Josh: I’d prefer the ice cream to be eaten first. Otherwise, Mommy can be the one holding you while I take the photo.)

  See Mickey and Minnie Mouse for the first time.

  Teach you to ride a bike.

  Teach you to drive. (That is a Daddy job, just FYI.)

  Christmas. (Claire: We’ll need to make new traditions and go on a lot of trips. Josh: Are we actually going to take one of these holiday trips or just keep talking about them? Claire: Let’s go to Germany and see Father Christmas in person as well as the Christkind angel in Nuremberg. Oh, let’s not forget the markets—all those Christmas markets with gingerbread. That’s been on my list forever. Josh: Sure, Claire. Whatever you say. Note to child: Mommy always makes these plans and never follows through. She loves to spend Christmas at home.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  JOSH

  Present day

  The soft cadence of Claire’s voice as she read a story to the children surrounding her on the floor was almost too much for Josh. While he videotaped her, all he could think about was that they had three weeks left of this.

  This meaning just the two of them, pretending all was well, that their lives were not about to change irrevocably. In three weeks, Josh would hold his son or daughter in his arms. In three weeks, his wife would know if she were to live or die.

  He was going to throw up just thinking about it.

  “She’s a natural, isn’t she?” Alice whispered into his ear.

  He nodded. She was indeed a natural—both as a storyteller and as a woman who loved children.

  A mother.

  The past week had been a whirlwind. It was as though a switch had flipped on in his wife’s brain, and everything she’d been worried about for the past few months had disappeared. She still had headaches and took a lot of naps, but there seemed to be a drive, a determination to make this time count.

  Including being here at the Hospital for Sick Kids in Toronto. Josh had begged to reschedule it for a later date, but Claire wouldn’t hear of it. He knew, even now, that she suffered from a headache. He could see it in her eyes, the way she carefully moved her head while reading the story.

  “And that was how Jack decided he wanted to be a lion tamer.” Claire closed the book and laid it in her lap.

  “No!” said the kids at her feet.

  “No?” Claire asked. She glanced up at Josh, her eyes sparkling. “He didn’t want to be a lion tamer? But . . .”

  “He wants to set the lions free,” one little boy, bouncing on his knees, yelled out.

  “Ah! So that’s why Jack picked up the flute—to lead the lions back into the jungle.” A huge smile appeared, and Josh fell in love with her all over again. Her eyes sparkled, her cheeks bloomed a soft red, and Josh was struck by her beauty.

  Please God, don’t take that beauty away from me, he prayed.

  “No!” This time a little girl shouted.

  “Well, I’m confused. What did Jack do then?” She had purposely closed the book before she read the last page. She once told him this was her favorite part of the storytelling, listening to the children get excited about the book.

  “Jack picked up the mouse and tucked it in his pocket. He wanted to keep it, but his mom wouldn’t let him.” Sami said proudly as she stood beside Claire, her hand on her shoulder.

  The moment Claire saw Sami, it was like a weight lifted from her shoulders. He knew Claire kept in touch with Sami, but he hadn’t really realized just how close they’d become.

  “Now the lions weren’t afraid,” another voice said.

  “Silly lions for being afraid of a mouse,” Claire teased. She reached behind her for a large gift bag they’d brought with them. They had just enough stuffed little lion cubs to give away to the kids, and while Claire read the story, one of the nurses had left more gifts in each bed—a stack of signed books.

  “Is everything okay?” Alice asked after Josh stopped the recording.

  “Everything is fine, why?” They’d discussed sharing with Alice what was going on, but Claire decided against it. The fewer who knew, the better.

  “Just making sure. You know I’m here if you need anything.” Alice smiled at Marlene, Sami’s mother, as she joined them.

  “Sami was so stoked to have you guys come today,” Marlene said.

  “I’m glad. What’s this I hear about her getting discharged? You’ve got to be excited about that.” Josh couldn’t have been happier to hear the news.

  “You have no idea.”

  “No idea about what?” Sami bounded over and grabbed her mother’s arm. “Wasn’t that just awesome, Mom? I want to be a writer when I grow up.” She looked at Josh and beamed a huge smile at him. “I’m going to write your son or daughter a story. Is that okay?”

  Claire joined them and heard Sami’s words. She wrapped her arms around the young girl and kissed the top of her head. “You write all the stories you want, and I’ll draw pictures for them. But you’ve got to come visit, so you can read the stories personally. Deal?”

  Sami’s intake of
air could be heard by almost everyone, along with the squeal that followed. “Oh my goodness, yes. Yes, yes, YES!”

  Claire winced slightly and leaned into Josh, who literally held her up. He could see her weakening the longer they stood there. He noticed most of the kids were headed back to their rooms, which gave him an out to leave, otherwise he knew Claire would want to stay.

  “Claire, honey, if we want to get home before it gets too dark, we need to leave now,” he said quietly.

  Claire nodded and focused on Sami.

  “I hear you’re heading home. Does that mean you get to dress up and go out for Halloween?”

  Sami looked up at her mom before she leaned forward and whispered in Claire’s ear.

  “You are? That is going to be so cool!” Claire mock whispered back. “Take pictures and send them to me, okay?” She wrapped her arms around Sami and held her tight.

  Josh saw her struggle to hold back the tears.

  Was Claire imagining this would be the last time she saw the young girl? Was this how the next three weeks would be—her trying to say good-bye to those she loved, just in case?

  Screw that.

  “You know what, Sami? We want to have a big Christmas party, and we’ll go on sleigh rides and toboggan down a huge hill. We could even make a rink in our backyard. Do you think you could come join us? We’ve got enough room for you and your family.”

  “I think that would be fantastic,” Marlene said. “A sleigh ride through the snow would be so much fun.”

  Claire gave him a worried look, but he ignored it.

  “It’s a date then.”

  Sami jumped up and down with excitement. “Will your baby be born by then?” she asked.

  Josh smiled. “You never know. It’s our miracle baby so keep your fingers crossed,” he said. He caught the concerned looks from both Marlene and Alice, while Claire wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

  “I love you, Sami girl.” Claire knelt down and looked Sami straight in the eyes. “You are amazing and so full of life. Don’t ever stop smiling, okay?” She gave her another squeeze before she clung to Josh’s arm and almost pushed him to move.

  Alice joined them as they walked toward the elevators. “What’s going on?” she asked. “And don’t you dare tell me nothing, because that back there sounded a hell of a lot like a good-bye, and I know that little girl isn’t going anywhere.”

  When Claire looked up at him with pain in her eyes, he came to a decision. It wasn’t fair of her to keep asking him to lie for her, nor was it fair to keep their friends in the dark.

  “Claire has—” He stopped as Claire squeezed his arm.

  “I have to go for surgery as soon as the baby is born. I have a brain tumor. Well, technically two.”

  Alice remained calm. She folded her hands together and looked Claire over.

  “Oh Claire. I’m so sorry. I bet your head is hurting right now, isn’t it? You refused treatment until the baby is born, didn’t you? Which explains why the little one might be here before Christmas.” She nodded deeply.

  Josh was impressed.

  “I’ve been around enough to read between the lines. Just tell me you haven’t given up, please,” she said to Claire.

  Claire’s chin rose, and Josh waited to hear what she’d say.

  “I’m not giving up,” she said quietly.

  Josh actually believed her.

  Dear child of my heart,

  I love you.

  If you are reading this, then it means I’m not in your life, and for that, I can never apologize enough.

  There are so many things I wish I could have experienced with you. Your first words, your first smile, your first . . . everything as you grow. Walking with you as we head to your first day of school, helping you with homework, making your first costume for a school play from scratch. I already miss snuggling with you before bed as we read a story together, and I wish I could have seen you first discover the joy of words as you read a story all by yourself for the first time.

  I regret not being there to see you fall in love for the first time, to be there to give you advice as you go through life, to give you those motherly talks, where you roll your eyes but all the while take my words to heart.

  I hope you travel. Go on trips with your father to see new places, take photos of the world as you fly overhead, try new foods, listen to people’s stories of their life, and never be satisfied with being stagnant. There’s so much more to life than what you are living right now . . . Embrace it with everything inside you. See where your adventures take you.

  When you’re lonely or afraid, think of me beside you, supporting you in every decision you make. I’d be there to give you a hug when you need it, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold.

  I wish I could be there to give you hugs. All the time. Even when you think you don’t need them anymore. I will miss telling you just how much I love you and how proud I am of you—because I am—so very proud of you. I know you will be amazing. Of that, I have no doubt.

  I’m going to miss doing everything with you, and I’m not sure I can handle that.

  All I ever wanted was for you to live and live life as fully as you can. Even if it means I won’t be around to experience that life with you. I love you, the child of my heart, and I will do everything and anything that I can to protect you—even if that means giving up my life for you.

  There has never been a choice for me. Never once have I regretted putting off my own treatment to ensure you are born healthy. Never. If I’m not here with you as you read this, it’s because my own wish for you has come true—that you are alive.

  I love you. I always will.

  TWENTY-NINE

  CLAIRE

  Present day

  All her life she’d created lists. List of things she wanted to accomplish in life, lists of attributes she wanted in a husband, lists of what she planned to do with her career.

  She never thought she’d be planning a list for the things she needed to do before she died. It wasn’t as if she knew for sure her life was going to end, but she wanted to be prepared. The last thing she wanted was to leave Josh with things unfinished, or to die with regrets. Did that mean she wanted to die?

  She never had more reasons to live than she did now.

  It wasn’t like planning a three-week vacation. There were no snorkel trips, no massages, no must-see sights to check off her list.

  How could she pick with only three weeks left?

  Reading at children’s hospital. Check.

  Finish her secret story and send it off to Julia. Almost done.

  See Sami’s beautiful smile one more time. Check, except, she could never see enough of her smiles, so really, should that be unchecked then?

  Buy all the necessary baby clothes Josh would need for the next year or so.

  Buy the ultimate dad’s guide to raising a baby by himself.

  Smile as much as possible because people should be remembered as joyful and fun loving, right?

  She didn’t want to spend her last possible days preparing to die rather than enjoying life. And yet, the controlling part of her wanted to be prepared.

  Whether her tumors grew or not, that was out of her control.

  Whether she could have surgery and survive, that was also out of her control.

  Whether Josh would be left raising their child alone, there was nothing she could do about that.

  But what she could do was live these few weeks with her life full of love and pray that everything would be fine.

  “That looks serious.”

  Startled, she found her hand clutching her chest before she laughed along with her husband, who stood there with a grin on his face.

  “I haven’t seen you jump like that in a while,” he said.

  She set her notebook down and stood, crossing the room to snuggle into her husband’s warm chest for a hug.

  “What are you working on?” Josh glanced at her notebook, and Claire wished she’d closed it.
/>
  “Just making a list of everything that needs to be done before the baby arrives.”

  Josh placed his hands on her belly and leaned down.

  “Hear that, monkey? Your mama is making a list. That means she’s probably putting me to work.” He looked up and winked. “The first thing on the list had better be to pick a name.”

  “Maybe we’ll let the baby pick?”

  Josh’s eyebrows rose. “Really? I’m not willing to spend years calling our baby Baby. Just saying.”

  Claire lightly punched his arm. “You know what I mean. Maybe once we hold our son or daughter in our arms, the right name will come to us.”

  “Maybe. You don’t mind if I bring my own list of names to the delivery room though, right? As back up?”

  “You bring your list, and I’ll bring mine.” She gave him a smile and rested her head on his shoulder.

  She already had an idea of what she wanted to name their child if it were a girl.

  “I’m serious,” he said. “What can I do to help? Any baby things I need to build? Help organize? Take you shopping? Rub your feet? What do you need?”

  “A warm bath?” Her fingers and toes were frozen, and even though the heat was on, there was a cool draft coming in through the windows. “I thought we were supposed to have a warm fall this year. It feels like it could snow any day.”

  “Well, it is almost the end of October, so I wouldn’t be surprised. A warm bath? That’s all? Are you hungry? I need to run into town a little later. Did you want to come with me?”

  Claire gave him a hug. “Just a bath. It’s hard to bend down to turn on the taps, so that would be a great help. As for going into town . . . what if we head to Last Call for dinner? I could go for wings and potato skins and . . .” She stopped at the look on her husband’s face. “Shocker, right?” she said.

  He slowly nodded.

  She didn’t want a big deal made out of it, but yes, this was the first time since she found out about the tumors that she’d suggested going out. “Well, it’s time to stop hiding, isn’t it?”