Saving Abby

by Steena Holmes

  “Okay then. Once your little girl—”

  “Will Claire go into labor at all?” Millie interrupted. She stood at the foot of the bed, her fingers clenching and unclenching as she tried to smile.

  Her mother was probably more nervous than she was.

  “Absolutely not.” Kathryn patted Claire’s shoulder. “We don’t want any pressure affecting those tumors and that includes contractions where Claire will feel the need to clench, push, or anything else that might be instinctive. In about a half hour, the anesthesiologist will be here to give you that epidural you’re going to love. You’ll be fully awake, and only your pelvic area will be numb.”

  “I’ve done labor before. I’m more than happy to skip that part.” Claire cleared her throat. “Will I feel anything?”

  “Is it safe?” Josh asked.

  Kathryn smiled. “Dad, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Mom, what you’ll feel is the pull of your baby from your womb, it’s a . . . funny . . . sensation, and one I can’t quite describe. There will be a screen, so you won’t see anything—neither you nor your squeamish hubby. We’ve got the pink team here for you, which is the NICU or neonatal team, which also means”—she turned to Millie—“Grandma, there’s no room in there for you. It’s a pretty tight squeeze as it is.”

  “Oh, I’d hoped . . .” Millie’s shoulders dropped at the news. “Okay.”

  Claire, too, had hoped to have her mother there to help Josh with his queasiness and be one of the first ones to welcome their baby girl into the world.

  “Sorry, guys. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but . . . you’ll see the baby girl soon enough, Grandma. Besides, we need someone to be the herald of the good news once she’s born, so keep an eye out for me. I’ll be the one who comes to the window and gives you the thumbs up. That’ll be your clue to tell the rest of the crowd waiting in the cafeteria.”

  “So I can watch, but from the other side of the window? That’s okay then.”

  “You got it.” Kathryn refocused on Claire. “Now, the team will whisk your girl off, clean her, weigh her, do some testing, and make sure she’s warm enough. If all is well, meaning she can breathe on her own and her scores are good, I’ll bring her back in so you get some cuddle time. But it won’t be for long, because she’ll need to be placed in her warming unit. All in all, it should take about an hour.”

  Claire’s stomach flopped as the understanding of what would happen sank in.

  “You’ve got questions. I can see it in your eyes. Let me see.” Kathryn smiled gently, as if this was the most natural thing, and she completely understood. “Your baby will be fine, I’ve got a feeling about it, and in all my twelve years of being in the neonatal ward, I’ve only been tricked twice by my gut. Generally, we like to keep the little ones with us until they are full term, but since you’re going to be here awhile anyways, things will work out fine. You’ll be able to bond with her, and I’ll make sure Dad here gets lots of skin time with her.”

  “Skin time?” Josh frowned. “What is that?”

  “Once your baby is stable, we’ll have you sit and hold her close to your chest, skin to skin. Trust me, it’s something you won’t want to miss. It helps to create a bond, and the body heat helps your baby as well, calms them and such. We call it kangaroo care.”

  Claire felt a measure of relief having Kathryn there. She knew what she was doing. That much was obvious.

  “Now, I hear there is coffee and treats in the cafeteria. I’d better go snag some before they’re all gone.” Kathryn made some notes in Claire’s chart. “Anyone else want anything? I’m all yours for the day, Claire, and that goes for your support team as well.”

  “Want to bring me back a plate full?” Claire already knew the answer, but she thought she’d ask anyway.

  Kathryn shot her a look that had Millie chuckling. “I heard you already had a bowl of Gloria’s cream of broccoli soup and not just one but two of her fresh butter biscuits. You’d better hope you don’t react to the anesthesia and get sick.”

  “I told you, you should have had the chicken soup she made,” Millie teased.

  “If you think I’m going to pass up Gloria’s cream of broccoli soup when I know I’ll be eating hospital food for the next week, you’re all crazy.”

  “I’m sure Gloria will sneak some real food in for you. Don’t you worry.” Millie squeezed Claire’s foot.

  “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” Kathryn said as she left the room.

  No one said anything for a little bit. Claire shifted in the bed, trying to find a more comfortable position.

  “Well, kids. Are you ready?” Millie said. “Liz is going to pick up the cake you ordered for celebrating while you’re in recovery. Do we know yet when you’ll go into surgery? Will you have some time afterward to be with the baby?”

  Claire shrugged. “I assumed the surgery would be shortly after, but I hope not.” She really didn’t get a clear answer from Abby.

  Josh jammed his hands in his pant pockets, then rubbed the back of his neck before crossing his arms over his chest.

  “Josh, why don’t you go grab a coffee? You’re making me antsy.” Claire knew he didn’t like being cooped up any more than she did, but at least he could leave.

  “What if Kathryn or Abby comes back? I don’t want to miss anything.” Josh tapped his fingers against his leg until Claire put a hand out to stop him.

  “Go,” she said. “If they come back before you do, I’ll make them wait. Okay?”

  She breathed a sigh of relief as he left the room.

  “I’ve never seen him this nervous before,” Millie said as he bolted from the room.

  “I know. It’s almost kind of funny.” God, she loved that man. “Listen, while we’re alone, I wanted to talk to you about . . . Jackson.” She sat up straighter in the bed and pulled the blankets up to cover her belly. “Thank you for . . . for not forgetting about him.”

  “Did you read the letters?” Millie asked.

  Claire shook her head. “I wanted to wait until later. I . . . I knew I’d cry if I started, and crying means headaches. But, I have the photo of us all in Rome in my purse.”

  It was hard not to read the letters. She ached to know more about him, to see him—to let her feelings about him flourish without having to rein them in.

  “I always thought you didn’t care, that every time you told me not to live in the past that you meant to ignore it. But that’s not what you meant, was it? I’m so sorry for—”

  “Stop.” Millie came over and gave her a long hug. “You don’t apologize for anything, okay? I’m the one who should apologize. I should have stood up to that father of yours years ago. If I had, then maybe things would have been different. It was wrong of him to push you to give your baby up, and it was wrong of me to be a pushover and go along with it. I should have known better. No.” She pulled back. “I did know better, but I thought I was wrong. I was too afraid to stand up to him, and it’s something I will forever regret.”

  “Mom, it’s okay.”

  “No honey, it’s not. But thank you for saying that anyway. Now,” she said as she hopped up from the bed. “This day isn’t about me or about the past. It’s about you and that beautiful little girl you’re about to have. I’m so proud of you for doing everything you could to protect her, but I’ve got to say, you scared me. I’m so glad you’re okay, that you’ll be okay, and that I won’t have to figure out how to live without you.” Millie took a tissue and wiped the tears that ran down her face.

  “No talk of death, okay? Not in here. I’m going to be okay. My baby is going to be okay, and we’re going to spend years arguing over how much you spoil her.” She couldn’t wait.

  “Have you picked out a name yet?” Millie asked.

  Claire nodded.

  “Will you tell me? I promise not to tell Josh.”

  She laughed. As if her mother could keep a secret like that.

  “No way,” she said. “Josh doesn’t even know the name
I picked.”

  “Oh . . . that’s so not fair,” Millie said. “Oh and I wanted to tell you, I told David about the cancer. I was so relieved when we heard the news that the tumors stopped growing, I had to tell someone. I hope you don’t mind?” The words rushed out of Millie’s mouth.

  “You told David?” Claire was a little surprised about this but not upset. In fact, she liked the idea of her mother sharing something so private with David. He was a good man, someone Claire always looked up to and enjoyed talking with.

  “You don’t mind, do you?”

  “It’s about time!” Claire teased.

  Millie’s face was awash with relief, which made Claire laugh. Her mother, the strong, independent, and somewhat crazy woman was finally letting someone in past the wall around her heart.

  “I’ve been waiting years for you to find someone, you know?”

  The door swung open with a whoosh, and Millie shushed her.

  “Who found someone?” Josh asked as he came in carrying a tray of drinks and plates of food.

  “My mother.” Claire grinned.

  “Claire!” Millie’s face reddened.

  “Please tell me it’s David. He’s outside, by the way. He was afraid to come in with Kathryn standing guard out there. She says we have five minutes before Abby comes in and fifteen minutes before the anesthesiologist.”

  Millie perked up at that. “He’s outside? He came? What a sweetie. I should tell him to go home. He’s not needed.” Millie bit her lip as she contemplated leaving the room versus staying.

  “Go. But don’t you dare tell him to leave. He came here for you, to keep you company.” Claire pointed to the door.

  “I love you, Claire.” Millie put her hands on Claire’s cheeks. “I’m so proud of you, of the woman you are and the mother you’ll be. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  Claire mouthed I love you back to her mom. Suddenly overcome by emotion, she felt the words stick in her throat as Josh squeezed her hand.

  It was almost time.

  THIRTY-THREE

  JOSH

  Present day

  From the moment they walked into the hospital, Josh’s stomach was doing its woozy dance, and he was afraid that at any moment he might upchuck in front of not just Claire and all those who came to support them, but in front of Nurse Kathryn too.

  She scared the bejesus out of him.

  “I need to know you can handle this.” She had pulled him aside before he stepped back into the hospital room. She surveyed the tray he’d brought and sighed. “I’ve seen bigger men than you faint in the delivery room, but your wife is going to need you. If you can’t do it, we’ll have her mother come in.”

  The way she said it, it sounded like a threat—man up or else.

  He manned up.

  “We’ve got this,” Josh whispered to Claire as Millie left the room. The moment Claire squeezed his hand, he knew she was just as scared as he was.

  “I brought you something to eat, but from the look Nurse Kathryn gave me on the way in, I’m not sure you should eat it.” He eyed the goodies on the tray before pushing it away with his foot.

  “I’m not really hungry,” Claire admitted.

  “Neither am I. We should discuss names. I like Pepper or Piper. They’re still my top picks.” He placed his hand on her belly and leaned forward. “What do you think, baby girl, do you like my suggestions?” He waited for the usual kick or flutter he’d get when he spoke to the baby, but there was nothing.

  “Guess that’s a no then?” He looked up at Claire wondering if he should be worried at the lack of movement, but then he felt that kick.

  Claire laughed. “I think that’s a no. Besides, you’ve already got your name picked out, don’t you, baby girl?” Claire rubbed her belly with a mischievous smile on her face. There was a flurry of movement beneath their hands.

  “I can see where this is going,” he muttered. “You’re already ganging up on me. Two against one. That’s not fair.”

  A whoosh of air hit them as the door opened, and they both looked up. When Abby walked in with the nurse behind her, Josh swallowed the lump that suddenly appeared in his throat.

  “Breathe, Josh,” Claire reminded him.

  He nodded as he pulled his chair closer to the bed.

  “Are you ready?” The grin that stretched across Abby’s face helped put Josh at ease, but not enough to take away the fear that gnawed in his gut.

  “Are you sure everything is okay?” he asked.

  “Absolutely. I just finished speaking to the surgical team. They’re confident they’ll be able to get the tumors. But right now, we’re just going to focus on one thing at a time.”

  “But I thought—”

  Abby gave him a warning as she interrupted him. He groaned under his breath.

  “We’re going to focus on getting this baby delivered first, okay guys? One thing at a time. Josh, Derek is waiting for you out in the hallway if you want to join him? We need to go through some things with Claire before we roll her into the delivery room.”

  She was kicking him out? That wasn’t right.

  “Things like what?”

  “I heard there was a party going on earlier, and I feel left out. You can come back in, I promise.” Abby sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned on one arm.

  Josh glanced at Claire, unsure whether he really should leave.

  “Go,” Claire said. “You don’t need to know all the girly details about the delivery and my body.” She rolled her eyes in jest, but Josh knew she was anything but relaxed by the way she refused to let go of his hand.

  “Tell Derek to calm down, will you? I swear he’s more nervous than Millie, and she’s pacing a mile a minute out there.”

  “What is it with men,” Nurse Kathryn mumbled as she literally pushed him out of the room. She closed the door and stood in the hallway with her arms crossed.

  “She’s going to be okay, right?” Josh bent over and gripped his knees as the weight of everything hit him.

  He slowly looked up and found Kathryn, Derek, and Millie staring at him in exasperation.

  “Your wife is the one giving birth, man. All you have to do is hold her freakin’ hand.” Derek slapped him on the shoulder.

  He wouldn’t be okay until their baby was born and the tumors were out of his wife’s head.

  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” he admitted.

  “Just hold her hand,” Millie said. “Tell her how beautiful she is, keep her laughing, and don’t let her see your fear. Not until later. She’ll need you to be strong.”

  “What’s with everyone asking or reminding me to be strong? Since when have I not been strong for her? Give me some credit.” He ignored the way his hand shook as he struggled to get the cap off the water bottle.

  After what seemed like forever, the door to Claire’s room opened, and Abby poked her head out. “We’re ready, Kathryn.” She looked Josh in the eye, and then she propped the door open. A few minutes later, they walked Claire out of the room, Kathryn bringing along all the monitors and instruments she’d hooked his wife up to earlier.

  “Let’s do this,” Claire said to him. She held out her hand for him to hold as they walked down the hallway and into the delivery ward.

  After that, things were a blur. He stood off to the side while Claire had the epidural administered and then listened as she answered questions from the doctors. So many things were beeping and a general busyness took over the room as they waited for the numbing to occur.

  “Okay, Dad. We need you to stand here.” Nurse Kathryn led Josh to Claire’s side, and he stood at her shoulders. There was a curtain over her belly, separating them from her lower half and the team that stood by.

  “What do I do?” he dared to ask.

  “I have a secret to tell you,” Claire said to him.

  He looked over at the doctors and caught one of them smiling. It was Dr. Will.

  Abby stood next to him.

  “Josh, just focu
s on Claire for now, if you can,” she said. “Don’t look over here. There’s no one to catch you if you faint,” she warned him.

  Josh focused all of his attention on his wife’s beautiful face.

  “I thought we agreed not to keep secrets,” he said to her.

  “This was a just in case secret.” Claire smiled up at him. There was a calmness on her face, a peacefulness that soothed the panic inside of him. She was going to be okay. If she believed it, it must be true.

  “Does it have to do with that box on the desk?” He hated that box from the moment he saw it. He’d known exactly what it was for, and the fact that Claire had put it together, that she thought she would need to, seared him.

  “I wrote a story,” she said.

  Josh leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Of course you did.” With all the deadlines with her illustrations, not to mention their own books, she’d had no time to write a story.

  It must be the drugs talking.

  “I’m serious,” she insisted, and he almost believed her.

  “What kind of story?”

  “One that we’ll read to our daughter every night before bed. It’s about our trip to Europe. One day, I want us to take her and go find all the postcards and little black sheep we left in the places we stayed.”

  “We didn’t leave any little black sheep,” he said. Postcards, yes. When Claire had told him what she’d been doing, he loved the idea.

  “Yes we did. Or, I did. Remember how I found those little figurines at the market in Venice? I left a few here and there along the way.” She giggled at the memory, and he knew for sure that the drugs had taken effect.

  “So it’s like an adventure with a scavenger hunt?” Josh asked. “Did Jack go along, or was this only the little girl, the one you wanted to write about?”

  Claire giggled again.

  “She meets Jack, but it’s not our Jack. It’s my Jack.” She teased him with her wordplay. “Oh, that feels funny,” she said louder.

  “We’re almost there, Claire,” Abby said from behind the screen.

  “Pink team, get ready,” Kathryn called out.

  Mere minutes later, though Josh would swear it took hours, the sound of a small cry could be heard. Josh tried to see their daughter, but the pink team was quick. They whisked her off to the side and swaddled her in a blanket. Josh couldn’t see what was happening.