G.S.O.H Essential

by Matt Shaw

  “So why did you bring microwave meals, anyway? I have to confess I was expecting something a little... well... a little more take-away based,” she asked.

  A fair question, I suppose.

  “Have you ever been on a date, which involved food, where the meals cost loads but you were too nervous to eat anything?” I asked. I’m not nervous, but in my dating days, I’ve found that some girls like to see a new age man - a guy with a sensitive side and yet who knows how to act like a man when the time is needed.

  “You’re nervous? That’s so sweet.”

  See.

  I hope you’re writing down these hints and tips I’m giving you.

  Peter - the Romantic.

  She continued, “You don’t have anything to be nervous about.” With that, she got up and walked over to my seat and sat upon my lap. “I’ll look after you.”

  I went to open my mouth but didn’t get the chance to say what I wanted to say before she was kissing me, her tongue deep in my mouth in an action that can only be described as ‘just like a washing machine’.

  I’m glad I had that mint before I came out.

  And yet, I wish she had taken the time to have one.

  Thankfully, she stopped, “Are you still nervous?”

  Nervous - no. Feeling slightly sick - yes.

  “That was a nice surprise.”

  Peter - the fucking liar.

  “We could always skip the main meal and go straight to dessert,” she suggested. A suggestion, I won’t lie, that repulsed me. I didn’t even have to cook her The Captain and, yet, here she was offering me her cunt. I wonder, if it’s that easy, how many other people have had the same opportunity.

  This isn’t the girl for me.

  “Okay,” I said as she leaned in to kiss me again.

  The plan was - get upstairs, fuck her, fake an orgasm and get the hell out. I reckon I can get that done quicker than I can prepare the microwave meal (and wolf it down) and, as she started to unbutton my shirt, my mind wondered to the decorating duties that waited for me at home - especially now I knew I’d be home in time to carry them on tonight.

  * * * * *

  Never be nasty to someone you’re dating (in the beginning).

  You may think they aren’t the one for you but, if you’re unlucky, they could be the only one you are able to hook as you cast your rod into the sea trying to snare that perfect fish. If you’re nasty to them, they won’t want to see you again leaving you without options for future, shall we say, liaisons.

  I left that date with a soft kiss on her cheek and she’s probably sat at home now wondering when my next text will call out from her mobile phone.

  The poor girl has a bit of a wait.

  That’s not to say the text will never get to her - it’s just I want to see if I can do any better first. If I’m desperate, it’s always nice to have a safety net, no matter how flawed they are.

  Flip side of the coin is, if you do find someone else - someone to replace them - by all means, get them out of your life as quickly as you possibly can - for two reasons - the first being you don’t want them in the background potentially getting in the way of your new love and secondly, I’m not a monster, it’s not fair to lead them on when you know, deep down, that you don’t want to be with them in that way.

  So follow the golden rules;

  1. Use them until you find someone else.

  2. Find someone else and then send a ‘it’s not you, it’s me‘ text message.

  3. Change your number if necessary.

  4. Repeat as above until you find your perfect lady (or man - I’m not here to judge).

  I ignore my mobile phone vibrating through another text message as I continue to paint the lounge wall a nice, bright white colour. I want this house to look perfect by the time my girlfriend moves in with me; absolutely perfect.

  A mirror to the life that we’ll lead.

  A smile creeps across my face as I allow my mind to start thinking of all the things that could be, between myself and my new partner.

  I can’t wait to meet her.

  Another text message snaps me from my thoughts of happiness. Another text message! I laugh as I pull my phone from my pocket; she is a keen girl. I like the keen-ness, it means there is more chance of them being likely to stand by you, through good times and bad times. When a girl is happy to see you it’s nice but you still have to work hard to keep her happy. When she starts off being keen, with text messages and phone calls and such like, you can relax a little - you already have her. You don’t have to work as hard.

  I press the enter key on my mobile phone, unlocking it and illuminating the screen and the latest message that’s waiting for me.

  “I had a nice time 2nite but dont think we are going to go anywhere. Sorry.”

  Hmmm.

  I flick through to the second message:

  “U left your microwave meals here, did u want 2 collect them?”

  Not quite sure how to reply to that. I would have collected them if they were The Captain but, as it is, I think I’ll let her keep them.

  Looks like I need to go shopping again...

  3

  I used to be happy.

  I used to live life to the full.

  I used to be with someone - someone who I shared everything with.

  Someone that I loved dearly.

  But things change.

  We changed.

  She changed.

  I changed. I can’t tell you what I changed into but I don’t like it. I don’t like who I have become. I don’t like who she turned me into.

  She.

  Her.

  The one time love of my life. Things started off brilliantly between us - always laughing, always joking and having fun. She made me so happy and, for a time, I thought I made her happy. I was wrong, though. I didn’t make her happy. I couldn’t have. If I did she wouldn’t have done what she did and I wouldn’t be alone now yearning for the laughter that we once shared.

  I hate her.

  I hate her and yet she’s with me on all the dates I go on. In my mind I’m always comparing the new ladies to her. Are they as funny as she was? Are they as pretty? Then, when I finally do meet a lady that I like, she’s in my mind again - will this new lady cheat and trample on my feelings like my last?

  I can’t have that happen again.

  I won’t allow it to. This time I’m going to be sure that we are meant to be together. I’m going to be one hundred percent sure of their feelings and then stop any outside interferences from getting between us; the perfect couple.

  I just didn’t realise I’d have to meet so many women to find the perfect one for me and I’m starting to feel like a lost cause now - there are no women out there to whom I am suited. Who knows - maybe I’d be better off alone.

  No.

  I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to live in isolation. I want to find my princess. I want to find the love of my life. The Real love of my life. Not some whore playing make-believe, like my ex. I want it for real. I can’t stand the idea of not finding her.

  I can stand the idea, even less, of finding her and losing her again but that won’t happen this time. I’m putting things in place to stop that from happening again; putting things in place to keep us together - forever.

  Not that it matters. I sit back, in front of my computer screen, with my emails loaded up. See, it doesn’t matter what I put in place to keep us together - they’ll be no ‘us’ if I don’t get any replies from the various dating websites I’ve allowed my incomplete profile to remain on. Maybe I should fill in it properly?

  I tried to keep my profile fun, light-hearted and informative - enough information and jokes to try and snare the sort of woman I could love... not that I’m fussy. I like most women.

  As long as they have a pulse, I’m good.

  Good sense of humour is essential, though. She must be able to make me laugh and to laugh at my jokes. Look at me being picky. Look at me with my empty inbox
- maybe I should add photographs and fill in the rest of the boxes that I couldn’t be bothered with. After all, I’ve filled in some of the boxes so maybe I’ve already crossed over to the ‘desperate’ territory which I was trying to avoid by only semi-filling it in...

  I turn my computer off .

  Is there even any point in continuing with the house, I wonder.

  I’ve been told, before, that you only find love when you stop looking for it. All the time you seek it, it remains elusive but I don’t believe that. How can you find it when you’re not looking for it? Surely, if you’re not looking, you miss all opportunities that may be presented. I’ll keep looking.

  Mental Note to self - look into the dating sites with the monthly subscriptions. Maybe I’ll have more luck on those ones? Maybe I only get bad luck, and meet the wrong women, because I’m only half-heartedly using the free sites.

  Maybe.

  I’ll think about it.

  * * * * *

  “Did you need any bags?” asked the pretty cashier.

  “Yes, please.”

  I needed bags, I just didn’t need any of the shopping that I was gearing up to bag and pay for. I only needed a pint of milk. A pint of milk and then I saw her. The cashier lady - sitting at her till, smiling the most beautiful smile to all of the customers who I watched her serve.

  She passed me a handful of bags from underneath the till, where they’re kept.

  “Thank you. I always seem to forget them.”

  She smiled, “Not just you. Weren’t you just in here the other day buying all this stuff?” she said as she started scanning my groceries.

  I was. Yesterday, in fact.

  “That was for my mum,” I lied.

  “Sweet.”

  Her smile was sweet.

  I didn’t want all of this stuff and it’ll probably go to ruin but, if I had just bought the milk, I’d already be on my way out of the door. One item doesn’t give you enough time to strike up conversation - let alone ask someone out on a date. I wish it did though because this is going to cost me a small fortune.

  The cashier continued, “Do you often do your mum’s shopping for her?”

  I could tell the truth but, then, that doesn’t paint a very good picture so I choose to further my lies, “Only ever since my dad died.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said as she scanned through another microwave meal.

  “Cancer, we knew it was coming. In the end it was a blessing. But my mum just isn’t the most agile of people so I do what I can to make things easier for her.” I flash one of my ‘charming-guy’ smiles as I pack the microwave meal into a new bag and she smiles back.

  I love that smile.

  I want her.

  “I’m here once a week, normally, but I don’t remember seeing you,” I said.

  “I’ve been here for about a month - normally work in the mornings.”

  Mental Note to self - start shopping in the mornings.

  “Ah, I’m more of a night-time shopper.”

  If you come shopping in the daytime you only get to see the mother’s - out shopping whilst their kids are at school because they know they won’t be able to get the required peace with their offspring running around the aisles. If they’re not mothers, they’re unemployed. I’d like my girl to be earning - not spending my money. On rare occasions you’ll meet a woman who is just on a day off but, they’re few and far between during the daytime.

  Evening’s are definitely better for single ladies.

  “I prefer working through the daytime,” said the cashier as she neared the end of my shopping. “I like having my evenings free.”

  “I expect your boyfriend would prefer you to be free in the evenings too,” I said with a smile on my face.

  “I’ll let you know when I get one.”

  “You don’t have a boyfriend?” I sound shocked on purpose.

  “Not for about three weeks now,” she sounded disappointed.

  Three weeks, that’s good. She’ll be looking for a rebound. She’ll be easy prey.

  “That will be forty-three pounds, please,” she continued.

  I pulled my wallet from my left hand pocket and fished the credit card from within.

  “Well, my hours have changed at work now so maybe I’ll see you around sometime,” I said as I put my pin into the card machine.

  “Maybe.” She smiled a coy little smile.

  Like I said, easy prey.

  She handed me the receipt for the shopping and I slipped it into my wallet along with my credit card.

  “Thank you,” I said. I looked down to her name tag, “Susie.”

  She smiled again, “Have a nice evening.”

  “You too,” I said as I walked away with my shopping.

  A successful trip and, after going back to my car, I drive home in good spirits. It’s nice. I haven’t felt like this for a while now - for as long as I can remember, in fact. The other dates, they were okay to start with, but I didn’t feel for them as I feel for this girl already. Dare I say it but I feel happy at the prospect of our future together. That and the fact the house is coming along nicely, with most of the needed items purchased.

  She won’t be hard to get either. Susie.

  Her being single, a pretty girl like that, well that’s just fate. That’s a sign we are meant to be together. I can’t wait. And to think, all this time, she was right under my nose.

  Two days.

  Two days and then I’ll go back to the supermarket to see her. I want to go tomorrow but don’t want to come across as a stalker. I don’t want to ruin this one.

  Don’t want to fuck it up.

  I think I could love her.

  4

  “For you or your mum?” she asked, looking at the long line of food that was placed on her conveyor belt.

  “My mum’s neighbour,” I used to be rubbish at lying but now it seems as though it’s second nature. Sometimes, I enjoy the lie too. I spin a line even when I don’t really have to - curious as to see how far I can take it with the listener still believing me.

  “Ever thought of getting a job with us?” she asked as she started scanning through the products. No microwave meals this time - this time I’ve gone for more ‘normal’ food so she doesn’t get suspicious.

  “A job?”

  “A delivery driver, you obviously enjoy taking people their shopping.”

  “Ah.” A joke. A token gesture laugh. Not too over the top - just enough to make her feel appreciated. “It seems word has got out and now all of her friends want me to pick bits up for them too. I don’t mind, makes me feel like I am doing something worthwhile.”

  “I think it’s sweet. I wish I had someone to do my shopping for me. The last thing I want to do, after a day sitting here, is to do my shopping!”