• • •
Abel, Kassey, Sammy, and I lived in Chay’s house until the fall of 2014. The year and a half that we spent there with Chiquis and the kids was overwhelming and difficult, but also beautiful and incredibly special. Yet Chay’s house is their house and it was time for us to move on. Had it not been for their love and support along with that of the rest of my family, I’m not sure I would have been able to make it through the many challenges I had to face those first years. Their strength inspired me to be strong and on so many occasions, it felt as though they were taking care of me.
It wasn’t an easy decision to make—especially since Kassey had become so attached to her cousins and she didn’t want to leave—but it was the right decision for my family. My husband needed to have his own house, his own space, and so did I. Now that Sammy was getting bigger, it became important that we find a place of our own.
Then there was also the question of the guardianship.
While there was indeed a signed document that said I was Jenicka and Johnny’s legal guardian, I had decided that December ninth that Chiquis should be the one to take care of them and handle the day-to-day. She is the person who knows them best, the person who has always taken care of them whenever Chay was working or on the road. Yet a few situations occurred when it was unfair that Chiquis should have to go through me to do what she knows best. One day, for example, she wanted to take the kids on a trip but when she went to get passports for them, she couldn’t do so without my signature. It happened a few other times, enough for Chiquis and me to decide that it was time to make the switch. We had already discussed it in December 2012, but these situations confirmed that the time was right. I love my niece and nephew so much but never, while I was living with them, did I expect or even try to replace their mama. I always wanted it to be very clear that I am their aunt and while I love them and support them with all my heart, I can never replace their mother.
Giving up the guardianship, although it was the right thing to do, was so hard. I felt as if I was betraying my sister’s trust, as if I was betraying her final will. When someone dies, you have the tendency to want to leave everything exactly the way they wanted—the bed, the room, the shower, everything. You want to preserve that person’s presence in this world as much as possible, and although I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, I didn’t want her to ever feel as though I had let her down, or shied away from my responsibilities. I wanted to make sure that when I get to Heaven and see my sister again, I’ll be able to tell her, “Sister, I took good care of your kids, your beautiful, precious kids.” And in this case, taking care of her kids meant giving Chiquis what was already hers—what has always been hers. The only thing that mattered at this point was what Chiquis, Jenicka, and Johnny needed most. Chiquis, in particular, lost her mom long before the rest of us did and on top of that she lost her home, her siblings, her privacy, and her dignity. I took all of Chiquis’s losses and I tried to carry them, and that was when I decided to give the guardianship back to her because I knew it meant more to Chiquis than all the money in the world. I wish I could give her back everything she had lost, but at least this I can do. And we are all better off because of it.
• • •
As I continue to take each day as it comes, I can say that yes, “all things work for good.” If I knew it in my mind at the time of Chay’s passing, I now know it in my heart. Losing my sister has been the hardest experience I’ve ever had to live through but thanks to it, I am stronger than I’ve ever been. Losing my sister was my biggest fear, the one thing I thought I would never be able to survive, but here I am, and I have survived. I didn’t throw myself in the casket. I didn’t lose my mind or become depressed, all thanks to God and my family.
I’m not here to prove anything to anyone; my only intention is to share my story with the hope of inspiring others in their time of need. I spent my entire life wanting people to like me—whether it was my family, in front of a camera, or with the men I dated—all I cared about was pleasing others, feeling loved. But when I figured out that God loved me regardless of who I was or what I did in my past, I felt so free! His love is so great that it instantly moved me to stop drinking and smoking, having sex, because I no longer needed any of that. God’s love was so great that I could just feed off of that love.
Every single thing that happened in my life prepared me for what was to come. Being my sister’s trustee inherently comes with a lot of power and authority, but because I have been abused—and because sexual abuse is an abuse of power—I’m probably more careful than what I might have been if I hadn’t gone through everything I’ve endured. And of course my sister knew that.
So today, I can thank God for the humility and wisdom I gained from my broken past—the eighteen years of crying and suffering, the abusive relationships, the sexual abuse. Those eighteen years softened up a heart that could have been prideful, that could have been greedy or angry, because with what life had offered me, everything on a silver platter, I could have been the most horrible, self-centered, and greedy human being ever to walk the earth. But all those years of suffering, all that pain, made me humble, and now I can handle the pain as well as everything the world has to offer. I can be on a reality show, with all those people hating me and loving me and then hating me again, but it doesn’t matter to me because what other people think no longer has the power to change who I am. Only I do. And I’m proud of who I am. When I look back at the wild ride my life has been, I am proud of how far I have come and the person I’ve become. Despite everything I have been through, I am at a place where I am finally living the life I was intended to live—a life full of love and happiness and where everything is possible.
Everything works for good. My sister is resting now and I believe she didn’t feel the pain of the accident. We are all in pain, but she is up in Heaven with our Lord Jesus Christ and she can look down on us and see that even though it still hurts, we are all doing well. Jenicka just graduated high school early, with honors, and is attending college and turning her amazing photography into art for merchandise. Johnny is going to graduate two years early and is designing shirts and his mother’s newest perfume. Chiquis is flourishing in her new career and she has gotten back a little bit of what she lost through the love of her fans. My children are doing much better, they have their mama back, and now that things have calmed down a bit, Abel has started to record a few songs. Jacqie and I continue to be very close friends and I named her president of the Jenni Rivera Love Foundation, where she excels by donating time and funds to the battered women’s shelter, called A Butterfly’s Beginning, in Long Beach. Juan and I continue to work together on preserving Chay’s legacy, including her albums, concerts, videos, books, as well as the fund-raising concert JenniVive. My mother goes to Mama’s Garden four times a week to make sure her Janney has fresh flowers, and my father continues to produce some of her music and writes songs for her. Mikey is working on the Paloma Project, making murals of his mother all over the nation. He has three to date and the most beautiful one is at the Jenni Rivera Memorial Park in Long Beach. He also works at the online store . . . With love and humility he fulfills each order himself. He is a wonderful father; he learned it from his mama. Gus works on the Jenni Rivera La Gran Señora Tequila and behind the scenes he dedicates endless hours to making JenniVive happen. At his church, Pastor Pete has received hundreds of Jenni Rivera fans who are hurting after Jenni’s death and he leads them to healing and salvation through Christ.
Lupe continues with his career and although he has distanced himself from the family, I am one hundred percent certain that we will be reunited—not necessarily because of us, but because I have faith in God and His plan for this family. There is a bigger plan for all this and we need to hang in there despite the fact that we miss him so deeply. Although Lupe asked me for space, and I am giving it to him, one day I hope to make the journey to his home to take responsibility for my actions,
in the hopes of mending our broken relationship. It has been very difficult to live this new phase of my life without him and although I need my brother, I respect his wishes because I love him so much.
• • •
In April 2015, Abel, Kassey, Sammy, and I moved into a beautiful new house and we are relishing the time we have to be together, just to be ourselves. This is the first time we are in a house that isn’t Chay’s or my mother’s since 2012, and here I have finally started to feel like Rosie again. I’m still in charge of my sister’s company and I still focus all my energy on making her legacy grow, but for the first time in a long time, I’m starting to allow myself to dream again. I’ve allowed myself to be that little girl again, sitting on her father’s lap, dreaming of conquering the world.
I don’t know yet what my next dream will be, but I’m excited for what the future holds. Every day is a new adventure and while there are moments when sadness and pain still overwhelm my soul, I know that God loves me and with Him by my side, all things work for good. My heart was broken, but I offered the pieces to Jesus and because of Him, I have been made whole. I can trip, I can fall, but I will always get back on my feet because God is in my heart. I can tell my abuser what I planned for eighteen years: “You couldn’t break me.” And as long as God walks with me, nothing can.
acknowledgments
Writing a book is a team effort, and this one was no exception.
To everyone at Penguin Random House and Celebra—Raymond, Kim, Kio and Andrea—for being a wonderful team that made this dream a reality.
To Marissa Matteo, for introducing me to Raymond Garcia, and making the initial and ultimately divine connection happen.
To Neil Eskelin for helping me write this book and believing in my story and its potential when no one even knew my name.
To my local church for their constant support in helping me find myself.
To my family for loving me in spite of my bad attitude and strong character and especially for believing me about the sexual abuse the moment I told them.
To my children for allowing Mommy to love and focus on achieving her dreams.
To my husband, the gentle, patient, merciful man who never asks me about my past and loves me enough to let me shine brightly.
To every single abused woman who has told me her story and cried in my arms, you gave me the passion and purpose to speak up—love can’t remain silent.
To Christ for making me whole and giving me my voice.
Thank you.
Pedro C. Rivera
Nine months old. I was my parents’ unexpected surprise; love was all I knew. / A los nueve meses de edad. Fui una sorpresa inesperada para mis papás. Amor, eso es lo único que conocía.
Pedro C. Rivera
First birthday and baptism. I was Lupe’s spoiled baby sister from the moment I was born. / Mi primer cumpleaños y mi bautismo. Fui la bebé consentida de Lupe desde el momento en que nací.
Pedro C. Rivera
In the vulnerable days when I still gave my heart to animals. My puppy Huevo was one of our many pets. / En mis primeros y frágiles años cuando entregaba todo mi corazón a los animales. Mi perrito Huevo era una de nuestras muchas mascotas.
Pedro C. Rivera
As a child I was so fair and blond, people would ask my dad if he was my babysitter! People are still surprised when they find out I speak Spanish. / Como era de piel muy clara y cabello rubio, ¡la gente le preguntaba a mi papá si él era mi niñero! Aún hoy en día le gente sorprende que hable español.
Pedro C. Rivera
Juanelo and I always had a blast together. The coolest guy on the block happened to be my older brother and protector. To date, he is my closest male friend and still the coolest guy I know. / Juanelo y yo siempre la pasábamos muy bien. El niño más genial de la cuadra era nada más y nada menos que mi hermano y protector. Hasta la fecha, es mi amigo más cercano y el hombre más sensacional que conozco.
Pedro C. Rivera
Juanito, Trino’s nephew, and me at a Quinceañera or wedding. Our families thought we’d be friends forever; sadly we didn’t even exchange a hello many years later at the trial. / Juanito, el sobrino de Trino, y yo en una fiesta de Quinceañera o en una boda. Nuestras familias pensaban que seríamos amigo para siempre. Tristemente, años después ni siquiera nos saludaríamos durante el juicio.
Pedro C. Rivera
Playing hard with the boys resulted in a dirty but happy child. I allow my kids to have fun and get down and dirty like I did. / Jugaba mucho con los niños y por lo tanto fui siempre una niña siempre sucia, pero feliz. Yo permito que mis hijos se diviertan y se ensucien.
Pedro C. Rivera
Four years old. Mami and I in Monterrey, Mexico. The strongest woman on Earth. Warrior on her knees. / A los cuatro años de edad. Mi mamá y yo en Monterrey, México. La mujer más fuerte del mundo. Una guerrera de oración arrodillada.
Pedro C. Rivera
Poverty was overshadowed by love and joy. / La pobreza no era nada comparada con el amor y la alegría.
Pedro C. Rivera
Daddy was an aspiring photographer and took hundreds of pictures of us. Rosie the car model. / A mi papi le habría gustado ser fotógrafo profesional y tomó cientos de fotos de nosotros. Rosie, la modelo de autos.
Pedro C. Rivera
My family gave me a wonderful childhood. I pray to give the same smiles, laughs and life lessons to my children. / Mi familia me dio una infancia maravillosa. Deseo dar a mis hijas las mismas sonrisas, risas y lecciones de vida.
Pedro C. Rivera
Seven years old. My mother dressed me like a traditional Mexican girl as long as she could. I thought I was a Mexican princess. / A los siete años de edad. Mi mamá me vistió con ropa tradicional de niña mexicana por tanto tiempo como pudo. Yo pensaba que era una princesa mexicana.
Pedro C. Rivera
Eight years old. Through the years, my pictures reveal the change in my demeanor and personality. My smile was not as wide, and I became shy and introverted after the abuse began. / A los ocho años de edad. Con el paso del tiempo, las fotos muestran el cambio en mi apariencia y personalidad. Mi sonrisa ya no era tan amplia y me volví tímida e introvertida después de que comenzó el abuso.
Pedro C. Rivera
Melody and me at Garfield Elementary. One of my very few friends; sometimes it’s still difficult for me to socialize. / Melody y yo en la escuela primaria Garfield. Una de mis pocas amigas. Aún me resulta difícil socializar.
Pedro C. Rivera
Nine years old. I began to dress more like a boy to avoid attention from men. / A los nueve años de edad. Comencé a vestirme como niño para evitar llamar la atención de los hombres.
Pedro C. Rivera
Chay and me. At thirteen years old, I was very overweight, but when people told me I looked like Chay, it was, and still is, the greatest compliment ever. She was the most beautiful woman I knew. / Chay y yo. A los trece yo sufría de un sobrepeso considerable, pero cuando la gente me decía que me parecía a Chay era —y aún es— el mayor cumplido que me podrían haber hecho. Ella era la mujer más hermosa que he conocido.
Gustavo L. Rivera
Daddy and me. If I could only be his little girl forever. / Mi papi y yo. Desaría ser su niña chiquita por siempre.
Pedro C. Rivera
Lupe and me. Wherever my brothers and sister performed, I was in the front row singing every song. A happy fan and proud sister. / Lupe y yo. No importaba dónde se presentaba mis hermanos, yo estaba en la primera fila cantando cada una de las melodías. Una fanática feliz y hermana orgullosa.
Pedro C. Rivera
Eighteen years old. No matter what state my heart was in, I smiled for Daddy’s camera. I yearned to make him proud. / A los dieciocho años de edad. Sin importar cómo estuviera mi corazón, siempre tenía una sonrisa para la cámara de mi pa
pi. Deseaba hacerlo feliz.
Pedro C. Rivera
Twenty-one years old. Mami, Nana Lola, Kassey and me after my college graduation. I graduated early, with honors and a three-month-old baby but still felt like a failure. / A los veintiún años de edad. Mi mami, mi nana Lola, Kassey y yo después de mi graduación de la universidad. Me gradué antes de tiempo, con honores y con un bebé de tres meses, pero aun así me sentía un fracaso.
Pedro C. Rivera
Twenty-eight years old. Chay and me at our birthday party on a yacht. After I ruined her twelfth birthday party, neither of us ever celebrated alone again. / A los veintiocho años de edad. Chay y yo en nuestra fiesta de cumpleaños en un yate. Después de que arruiné su fiesta de cumpleaños número doce, ninguna de las dos volvimos a celebrarlo solas.
Jenni Rivera Estate–Hazelnut Photography
Jacob Yebale, Mom, Chay and me getting ready for Chay’s wedding ceremony. I had never seen a smile as beautiful as hers that day. / Jacob Yebale, mi mamá, Chay y yo preparándonos para su boda. Nunca había visto una sonrisa tan hermosa como la que ella nos regaló ese día.
Jenni Rivera Estate–Hazelnut Photography.
Mom, Chay and me. Chay always blessed me with incredible moments, such as dressing her for her big day. Those moments are the prized possessions of my heart. / Mi mamá, Chay y yo. Chay siempre me bendijo con momentos maravillosos, como cuando la vestí para su gran día. Esos momentos son lo más preciado de mi corazón
My Broken Pieces : Mending the Wounds from Sexual Abuse Through Faith, Family and Love (9781101990087) Page 24
