by Dee Ernst
“Thanks, but no thanks. My brain doesn’t need any more messing with.”
So we packed the plants into a garbage bag and Cheryl took them. I spent a few more minutes on the deck filling in the holes in my planters with mums. I was feeling smug and accomplished when I was done.
My mother, in the weeks since she had moved in, had carved out a very nice little routine for herself. She had a standing card-playing night. Marie had become her good friend and had talked her into a wheelchair. Regan and I got her to Macy’s and bought her a lovely dress for the wedding. Mom on wheels was a sight to behold. When the weather was right—not too hot, no dampness in the air—she would be wheeled around by one of her growing number of lady friends, as well as an older widower who was living in the development with his divorced middle-aged son.
But she had also tried to warm up two cupcakes in her toaster oven, causing the frosting to catch fire and burning up the inside. Sam had been home at the time, and had simply smothered the burning unit with one of Mom’s pillows. When I refused to buy her another toaster oven, she pouted for three days.
She opened her sliding glass doors to let in some fresh air, which was fine, but then she opened the screen door as well and left it open all night. The drapes had been closed, so I didn’t notice it until I went down the next morning. By then, both cats had slipped out, and it took Sam, Regan, Jake, and me all day to find them. Eight had made it as far as the walking trails. Seven climbed up a tree and had to be coaxed down with tuna fish.
Twice, my mother had to be told who Wade was. Then she insisted that Laura only had one son.
I kept pushing the worry to the back burner. I was making myself crazy with Jake and Edward. And then Alisa sent me an e-mail.
I’d gotten e-mails from her before. We kind of chatted back and forth every few days. First, she would tell me a single fact about her day that I did not remotely understand. Then she’d describe something amazing that she’d eaten. Finally, she’d tell me how much she missed Sam, and how I should watch him and make sure he was okay. She was exhausted and thrilled and happy to be in France, but could not wait to come home.
But this particular e-mail was something else.
“Hi, Kate—I know this may sound stupid, but I think there’s something going on with Sam. We still talk every night on Skype, but it’s different. I can’t explain it, but there’s something wrong. Could you talk to him?”
I stared at the screen and was twenty-one again. Jake had been at Penn State six weeks. We called each other every night. One Saturday I hung up the phone, turned to MaryJo, and said to her, “Something’s going on with Jake.” She had laughed, and said I was imagining things, that Jake loved me like crazy and I needed to get a grip. I shook my head. My stomach had turned to knots and there was a tightening in my heart. I couldn’t explain it. There was something wrong. Three weeks later, Jake said good-bye.
I left the den and went upstairs.
Sam was in the second of the two bedrooms, the one he had set up as an office. I could hear him talking. He was on the computer with someone. He was laughing.
I stood outside the door. No, he was not talking to Alisa. Whoever she was, she sounded very different from Alisa; her voice was clear and little-girl-like. She was giggling. I did not want to know what they were talking about. I did not care.
“Hey, Sam.”
He looked up from the computer and his face froze. “Mom?”
“Are you talking to Alisa? Can I say hi?”
“Ah, no. This is Vin.” He looked at the screen. “I’ve gotta go, Vin. I’ll talk to you later.” He closed the laptop and pushed the chair away from his desk.
“Vin?” I asked. “The girl you met over Labor Day?”
“She’s not a girl, Mom; she’s twenty-four.”
“Right. And have you been spending time with her?”
He didn’t look at me. “Yeah, a few dinners, stuff like that.”
“Have you slept with her yet?”
He rolled his eyes. “Mom.”
I sat on the edge of his desk and kicked back his chair with my foot. It rolled backward. He looked up at me in surprise.
“Alisa—” I began.
“Is not here,” he said loudly. He met my eyes briefly, then looked at his hands, clenched in his lap. “She’s not here,” he said again. “Vin is just so different, you know? She’s not all planning this and managing that. She’s fun, but at the same time, she cares about what I do. She has really good ideas, from the business side of things, about what I can do with my life.”
I took a deep breath. “Sam, I really want to understand this. Not just for your sake, and Alisa’s, but for my own. How can a man be in love with a person—really, truly in love—and even look at another woman?”
He shrugged. “She came after me, Mom. It’s flattering. Women don’t chase me, you know. They never have. All of a sudden this really hot woman thinks I’m the greatest thing she’s ever come across. It’s hard to resist.”
“But, Sam, Alisa thinks you’re the greatest thing, too.”
His eyes filled with tears. “Mom, I know. And I love her—Alisa. I miss her like crazy. I want her here. I don’t want us to be apart. I know it can’t be helped, and I’m trying to be the stand-up guy here. But…” He stood up and threw back his head, chest heaving as he took in a long, stuttering breath.
His eyes were closed. And when he opened them, he looked right at me. “Alisa is the known entity, Mom. I love her. And I know that she loves me, and I know that we are good together. I do know that. But Vin is like this little flicker in the corner of my eye. She’s bright and new and she won’t go away. And the more time I spend with her, the more I keep thinking that something really exciting is just about to happen.”
“Then stop spending time with her.”
“You say that like it’s easy. I’m lonely, Mom.”
I stood up and went over to him. “Sam. Listen to me. Do you think Jake and I are a good couple?”
He frowned, thinking. “Yeah, I guess you are.”
“And you know our history, right? We loved each other, Sam, the way that you and Alisa love each other. We were just right together. And then someone bright and shiny came into Jake’s life. Do you want to wake up one day thirty years from now and realize that you’ve been living your life with the wrong person?”
He looked at me a long time. “Are you saying that Dad was the wrong person?”
I sighed. “Life happens the way it’s supposed to, Sam. Somebody I really respect recently told me that our lives are already planned out for us, and all we can really do is live that life as the best person we can be. Your father and I were meant to be together, Sam. He was not the man I had wanted to marry, but I knew he loved me and would give me a good life, so I took a leap of faith and married him. I grew to love him, and I have no regrets. So maybe you and Vin are supposed to be together. Maybe Alisa was just for practice.” I grabbed both of his hands in mine and held on tight. “But I want you to think about what you’re giving up. Think hard. All those plans that the two of you have made. You will never be able to get those back, Sam, if you give up on Alisa. Even if you and Vin live a long and happy life, and she dies, and you find Alisa again and realize what you still mean to each other, you will have lost all the things that you once wanted more than anything else in the world.”
He was looking at me, and I could see the wheels in his brain spinning around. Gotcha, I thought. But I was so wrong.
“Mom, if that’s how you feel about Jake, then what are you doing with Edward?”
Oh my God.
What was I doing with Edward?
I stepped back. “I love you, honey. And once again, you’re the smartest person in the room. But this isn’t about me. Well, maybe it is, but let’s make it about just you, okay? Please don’t make any stupid mistakes, because if you do, I’ll kick your ass out on the street before I’ll send Alisa away.”
I turned and went back downstairs, took Boone for her evenin
g stroll around the cul-de-sac, and said good night to my mother. Then I crawled into my bed and cried for a very long time, for all the lost things in my life that even now, with Jake back, I would never get back again. And when I thought about all the things going forward that I might not have, I cried even harder.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I had no idea what to say to Edward. I just knew I had to talk to him. I drove over to his new place the next evening, walked in the door, and instead of kissing him hello blurted, “I need some advice.”
He stepped back to look at me, raised one eyebrow, and said, “Indeed.”
“Yes, Mr. Spock. Indeed. About Jake.”’
“Oh?”
“He does that one-eyebrow thing, too, you know.”
He smiled. “No. I didn’t know. Do you think we should sit down?”
We sat on the couch. I stared at my hands, which were clenched tightly.
“Here’s the thing,” I began.
“Yes?”
“My first marriage was good, but it was never what it could have been, because I never got over Jake. I’m afraid of that happening again. I spent so many years wondering what our lives together might have been, I can’t stand the thought of never knowing if we would have been good together or not.”
“You already know that, don’t you? The two of you were perfect together. Until he left you.”
“But I keep thinking I need to give Jake another chance. He’s what I wanted thirty years ago, and it all feels the same way now.”
“And why do you think that’s a good thing?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“People change, Kate, and what was good once may not be good again. Have you looked at the two of you together, today? Or have you only been looking back?”
A hot flash suddenly hit. I pulled back and forth at the front of my shirt, trying to create a breeze.
“I have been looking back.”
“What about now?”
I looked at him, his eyes steady and kind, his lips curled in a slight smile. “I can’t find a now, Edward. That’s the thing. I realized that everything I thought was real is like an echo. I can hear it, even feel it, but I don’t think I can hold it in my hand. Do you think that’s enough?”
He shook his head. “Kate, am I really the person to ask? Don’t you think my opinion of what you should do with Jake might be clouded by the fact that I want you for myself?”
“But you’re an honest man, Edward. And the fact that you do care about me makes me hope you’d want what’s best for me.”
“I would be best for you,” he said simply. He reached over, picked a magazine up off the coffee table, and fanned me. The air felt so cool and good, I sighed from happiness. Who else in my life had ever done that for me?
I looked at him. “How could you and I work anything out? You have your life in London, and I’m tied to so many things here, I could never leave. Not permanently.”
“Nothing is permanent, Kate, except how people feel about each other. Everything else can be rearranged. I could move here.”
“But what about all your businesses? You said you’d have to take a loss.”
“Kate, listen to me.” He took my hands in his and leaned in close. “You are a remarkable woman. I’ve never felt such a connection with anyone as quickly, and as strongly, as I’ve felt with you. That sort of thing doesn’t happen often, and it’s not worth losing because of business.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve learned that taking too much time to make up your mind might mean losing what could have made you the happiest. I won’t make that mistake again.”
He kissed me very softly, and when he did I wanted to slip right into his arms and hold him. He had just offered me the very thing that Jake had denied me years ago, to put me first in his life. Was it possible that what could make me happy was right here, right now?
I pulled back. I had to ignore all those bells and whistles and look at everything through a clearer lens.
“Thank you, Edward. I need to think. God, do I need to think. I know I’m not being fair to either of you. I promise, I’ll figure this out soon.” I took a deep breath. “Now, can you promise me something?”
“Anything.”
“In any conversations you might have with Elaine in the next few weeks, don’t ever mention that we spent any time together.”
His face became solemn. “Kate, I swear. Never.”
“Good. Then maybe we both have a chance of surviving this wedding after all.”
Laura called to tell me that someone wanted to rent out Mom’s house. We had told the manager of the development that Mom would be moving out at some point. We’d been paying her monthly fees as well as her electric bill to keep the lights on. But someone had stopped by the manager’s office and asked if there was anything that could be rented, and he had thought to call Laura.
“It would be a good thing, Kate. She would have additional income every month. These people were willing to pay eight hundred dollars a month on a long-term lease.”
That seemed to me like a lot of money for a two-bedroom house, but the development had some great amenities—swimming pool, tennis courts—and it was only an hour away from Atlantic City.
“When would we have to clear out the house?” I asked.
“By November first. We’d probably have to do it before then, and get the place painted. Is it manageable, do you think?”
“Sure. The unmanageable part is telling Mom. What about that place in Hackettstown?”
Laura sighed. “The room is Mom’s if she wants it. However, the home has to wait until the person who is in it now either goes to a different facility or dies.”
“Oh, Laura, is that what this is going to be about now? A deathwatch?”
“Kate, we’re talking about old people. Someday, we’ll be on the other side of this, flipping a coin between extended care or pulling a plug. I’m going to tell the boys to set me out on an ice floe, rather than put them through this.”
“But if she goes into this home as a Medicare patient, doesn’t she have to sell the house?”
“I was thinking we could help her out. Between what she makes from the rent, plus her Social Security, then Dad’s pension and her pension, she could just about make it every month. Bobby and I could kick in an extra couple of hundred dollars.”
I sighed. “So could I. I can’t believe she’s still getting Dad’s pension.”
“He was in a union, remember? She started collecting when she turned sixty-five, and it will go on until she’s gone. Thank God for that. It’s the only thing that’s kept her afloat all these years.”
“Well, it will be easier for Mom to move if she doesn’t have to sell the house and give all her money away. When can you come over?”
She sighed. “This afternoon.”
When Laura arrived and we went downstairs, Mom had company. Marie was there with another woman whom I recognized from the Widows’ Mafia. I had brought down a pitcher of iced tea and some cookies that I had made, and the three of them were happily munching away. The sliding glass doors were closed, of course, and the air-conditioner was humming loudly. It was so cool down there, I wanted a sweater.
Mom’s eyes narrowed. “The two of you? Together? This can’t be good.”
Marie made clucking noises. “Rose, now behave. You need to talk to them anyway. Don’t be such a bitch,” she said, smiling sweetly.
Mom actually cackled with laughter.
Laura cleared her throat. “As a matter of fact, Mom, we do need to talk to you. Perhaps your friends could come back later?”
“No, they can’t. Because I have to talk to you two, and Marie and Gail are part of it. I need money from you girls so I can move in with Gail here.”
Laura and I looked at each other. I wanted to sit, but the little bentwood chair was stacked high with magazines.
“Move in with Gail where, Mom?” I asked.
“On the other side of the clubhouse. Section seven,” Mo
m said.
Gail, who looked a bit older than Mom, with bright blue eyes and silver hair wrapped around her head like a crown, smiled gently. “I was one of the first people to move in here, almost twenty years ago,” she said. “My husband and I sold our house in Livingston after the kids moved out. Peter died six years ago. I’m doing pretty well for myself, but things are starting to get tight. My place is paid for, but the taxes are killing me. I don’t want to move at my age. On top of all that, I fell last year and can’t get around the way I used to. I’d like to hire a girl to come in and take care of things, and make sure I don’t accidentally burn the place down. I know that Rose is here with you on a temporary basis, so I thought if she moved in, she could help share some expenses.”
Laura and I looked at each other again. Could it be that the light at the end of the tunnel was actually sunshine? And not an oncoming train?
“How much more money would you need, Mom?” Laura asked.
“Another twelve hundred a month.”
Marie leaned forward. “I know that sounds like a lot. But these ladies can’t just hire anyone, you know. I know of an agency that will send someone over every morning, seven days a week. The ladies will have two or three regular girls to help them out, drive them where they need to go, and do light cooking and cleaning. And at night, well, they can watch over each other.”
I took a deep breath. “Mom, you know that in a few years, it won’t be enough to have somebody during the day. You’re going to have to be someplace where trained people can take care of you.”
My mother scowled. “Kate, do I look stupid to you? Do you really think I don’t know my own body? I’m the one who’s talked to the doctors, not you. I know what to expect. But for the next few years, I can still live my life the way I want to. There are nice people here. I like being around them. I know you want to send me off someplace you think is safe, but for right now, I’d rather be happy. Can you two manage the money or not? It would only be until I get the house sold, and then I’ll pay you back.”
“Mom, I just got a call from Frank at your development. Somebody wants to rent your house. Eight hundred dollars a month,” Laura said.
