by Dee Ernst
Mom smiled. “Do it.”
“We’ll have to go down and empty out the house,” Laura continued.
“So? We’ll go down and empty out the house. We’ll have a yard sale.”
“Mom,” I said, “you’ve spent most of the summer telling me you want to go back to your house, and now you’re going to leave it? Just like that?”
Laura shot daggers in my direction. I know—what was I thinking? But I had to know.
My mother shook her head sadly. “I’ll be keeping my house, Kate. I won’t be selling it. And I’ll be living in a place I can call my own again, not in my daughter’s house. If you can’t see the difference, then maybe you should try getting another degree.”
“Okay, then,” Laura said quickly. “That sounds like a plan. Nice meeting you, Gail. I guess I’ll be seeing you soon.”
Laura and I both turned around and went upstairs, not looking at each other. We both went directly outside to the deck and shut the sliding doors tightly behind us. Then Laura threw back her head and gave a loud whoop that shook the leaves off the trees.
“How did that happen?” she yelled. “Oh my God! Saved!”
I sank into a chair and laughed weakly. “Laura, one of us has amazing karma for something like this to happen. Un-freaking-believable.”
“I know. Is it too early to drink? I feel like cracking open a bottle of champagne.”
“This is so good. So, at least for the next few years, we’re off the hook, Mom-wise. Call Frank, before those renters change their minds. “
“Yes. And I’ll call Hackettstown and let somebody else have that bed. Oh, Kate, I feel like such a burden has been lifted.”
I got up and hugged her. “Me too.”
Marie opened the sliding door and came onto the deck, grinning. “Are you girls celebrating out here?”
“Marie, you are such a lifesaver,” I said.
She kissed my cheek. “I happen to like your mother, dear. And I think she and Gail will get along fine. They’re both lonely. Gail knows about your mom’s problems, so she’s not going into this blind. I wouldn’t do that to her. But Gail’s mind is still pretty sharp, even if her body is failing. She’ll make sure Rose doesn’t do too much damage.” She hugged Laura. “You are two good daughters. I’m glad you won’t have to do anything against your mother’s wishes. Not right now, anyway. When Rose is happy, everybody’s happy.”
Laura rolled her eyes. “You are so right. Thank you. Okay—I’ve got to get home and make phone calls. And buy Devon new shoes for this wedding.” She gave me a quick hug and went.
Marie looked around the deck. “Those mums are looking very nice, Kate, but what did you do with all those pot plants?”
“What? I gave them to my friend Cheryl. She’s, ah, drying them out for me.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. I was hoping to score a bag. I found out a long time ago that if I took a few hits before bed, I’d sleep like a baby. Beats anything you can get out of a prescription bottle.”
“Well, Marie, I’ll see what I can do for you.”
“Why, thank you, dear. I’ll let myself out.”
I looked around. There was just a hint of fall in the air, that crisp kind of feeling that reminds you to look for sweaters and warm socks. The leaves were just starting to turn. The air smelled like apples. A little over six months ago, I thought I had myself a nice little life planned out. True, things were not going quite the way I had planned for them to, but that was okay. Right here, right now, everything was looking pretty good.
Elaine Pendergast did not like the place Regan and Phil had picked out for their wedding. She did not like the menu; she did not like the centerpieces for the tables. She did not like the fact that Regan’s maid of honor and lone bridesmaid had gotten to pick out their own dresses, and that the ushers would be in suits, not tuxedos. Only one limo? How would she get to the church? No band? What was this, a sweet-sixteen party, with a Rastafarian DJ named SallyJ?
She sighed heavily. “Honestly, Kate, I can’t believe that you just sat back and let them create this mess. Didn’t you care enough to give a little advice?”
I was sitting between Regan and Phil when she said this. Both of them, under the discreet white linen tablecloth of the restaurant where we were having dinner, reached over and placed a restraining hand on my knee. The fact was, I had exactly those same reactions, but I did not like thinking about Elaine and I being on the same page about anything.
“Mom, we didn’t ask for any advice. Both Regan and I knew the kind of wedding we wanted. Kate actually had some very strong opinions, and was actively pushing for a more traditional reception, but she was outvoted,” Phil explained calmly.
Elaine raised a thin, bleached eyebrow and shrugged elaborately. “Yes, well. I guess we should all be grateful we won’t be barefoot on a windy beach somewhere with the dogs as ring bearers.”
Regan and Phil had two scruffy rescue mutts, one white and one black. The thought of them wearing little bow ties and carrying ring boxes in their mouths made me smile for the first time that evening.
I glanced at my watch. I had asked Jake to join us. I wanted to show up with a date, since Elaine was going solo, and asking Edward was out of the question. Even though it was a Friday night, he’d been held up at the office and he had said he’d be late. I looked at the menu again, sipped some more wine, and took deep, cleansing breaths.
I had not seen Elaine since she flew out for Phil’s birthday last February. It appeared she’d had some work done. Some more work done. When I had first met her, three years ago, she admitted to having just recovered from her second boob job. She had actually had a reduction, telling me she felt that 32DD was no longer appropriate at her age. I’d only seen her a handful of times since then. Her alimony payments could have paid for more frequent trips east to visit her only son, but, thankfully, her social schedule kept her in Denver.
This time, I noticed that her jawline was much tighter, and the lines around her mouth had disappeared. For the first time, I was jealous. I had spent lots of time the past few years staring in the mirror, pulling at the skin by my ear and watching the parentheses around my mouth disappear, and thinking that could be a good look for me.
“I must say, Elaine,” I said brightly, “you look great. At least ten years younger.”
She beamed. “Thanks for noticing, Kate. I had my neck done for the wedding.”
“Oh, good for you. Me, I just had my hair done.”
She raised an eyebrow again, and then she sat up a little straighter and turned on her porcelain—and I mean that literally—smile.
“Hello, everyone, sorry I’m late,” Jake said, sitting down across from me.
He was in another one of those killer suits, with a gray silk tie, and Elaine practically purred when they were introduced. At last, something she approved of.
“So, you’re the long-lost boyfriend? How terribly romantic for the two of you,” she said, looking at Jake like he was an oyster she couldn’t wait to crack open and swallow whole.
Jake smiled easily. “Yes, it’s pretty amazing how we managed to find each other again after all these years. And the great thing is, we’ve fallen right back into our old ways.”
I felt something right then, a wrenching in my heart. Our old ways? Was that how he really felt? Our old ways had ended with him leaving me. I had been hoping we had started over fresh, but Jake had obviously never seen it that way.
I looked at Jake. “Although sometimes going back to the old ways is not such a good idea.”
Elaine sighed dramatically. “I don’t know; it sounds good to me. Maybe I should try looking up all of my old college beaus.”
Phil looked puzzled. “Mom, I thought you met Dad your freshman year. When could you have had other college beaux?”
Elaine shrugged her shoulders. “Darling, just because your father and I were a couple doesn’t mean that other men weren’t interested. I could have had my pick.” She leaned over and practicall
y put her whole mouth in Jake’s ear. “I was voted the most beautiful pledge in my sorority my first year out, you know.”
“No,” Jake said. “I didn’t know. But I’m not surprised.”
She beamed.
After Jake arrived and she was significantly distracted, things went along pretty smoothly until Phil’s father was mentioned again. By Jake. So I’m pretty sure he ended up on Elaine’s list after all.
“So, Elaine, did you know that until recently, Edward was staying in this same hotel?” he said.
Elaine set down her wineglass so hard, it splashed a little bit on the table. I’m sure she could have used even more force, but she was drinking red, and probably didn’t want to risk getting anything on her winter-white suit. “Really.”
Regan looked a bit panicked. “Yes, Elaine, but he moved out a few weeks ago. He’s in a condo now. In Jersey City. Which is, like, more than half an hour away.”
Elaine made a very small, inelegant noise that suggested possible strangulation. “I had no idea. What has he been doing here all this time?”
Now it was my turn to panic. I did not want Elaine to know how Edward was spending his time. I also didn’t want Jake to know.
Phil dived in. “He’s been catching up with old friends, and talking with businesspeople. He was in Toronto for a while, and remember Carl Latowski? His college roommate? He spent a few weekends with him.”
Regan looked like she was desperate for a new topic, but I think Phil was enjoying it. “And it’s been great showing him around. So much has changed since he was here last.”
“When did he move to England?” I asked. I knew the answer, of course, but I couldn’t resist. Regan gave me a warning look. Hey, we were already talking about him, right?
Phil thought for a second, then turned to his mother. “He was born there, but his family came over here when he was in his early teens. He went back—when was the last time you took him to court for more alimony, Mom, 1995?”
“Somewhere around there,” she said shortly.
Phil grinned. “He returned to England right after that.”
“Really?” I said, feigning complete and total surprise. “You drove him right out of the country, Elaine?”
Under the table, Regan kicked me. Hard.
Elaine did not appear amused. But it didn’t take her long to load her next round.
“So tell me, Kate, have you found a job yet?”
I smiled. “Yes. I’ll be working for a nonprofit. The funding has just been approved, and I’ll start November first.”
“Well, dear, I hope you won’t be taking too big a cut in salary. Those nonprofits are notoriously tight.”
“True,” I countered. “Luckily, I’ve got enough stashed away that I don’t really need a big salary.”
She sniffed.
Two points for me.
Believe it or not, none of us wanted dessert, so the party broke up soon afterward. Elaine played kiss-kiss and headed for the elevators up to her room. As soon as she was out of sight, Regan burst out laughing.
“Mom,” she sputtered, “you have got to stop. Please, it’s going to be a long two weeks. Don’t make it worse.”
Phil put his arm around her. “Regan, it’s not all Kate’s fault. My mother has a habit of bringing out the worst in people.”
Jake looked at Phil. “Did she really drive him out of the country?”
Phil shrugged. “He says he was planning on going back anyway. She says he left the country so she couldn’t get any more money from him.”
Regan looked stern. “Mom, you have to promise. Remember, if you don’t behave…” She looked at me knowingly.
I kissed her. “I promise. Good night.”
As I watched them leave, Jake reached for my hand and held it tightly. “How about an after-dinner something? The bar is right here.”
I nodded. “Good idea.”
We ordered Amaretto, something we both loved. A thousand years ago, when Jake and I lived together, we’d save all our pocket change until we could afford a bottle; then we’d hide it from our friends, saving it for special occasions.
“You do know that I’m incredibly jealous of your family,” Jake said.
“Jake, in two weeks, Elaine will be part of my family.”
“Still. You are so lucky to have them. And I consider myself very lucky to be an outsider looking in.”
We were sitting across from each other in a corner of the bar. He looked happy and handsome, and I was about to ruin his evening.
“Jake, I don’t think I want to do this anymore,” I said.
He frowned. “Do what?”
“Be with you.” My mouth felt dry as dust, and I could hear my blood pounding in my ears.
“What?”
“Believe me, this is about the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I don’t want to see you anymore. It’s not that I’ve stopped loving you. I’ll never stop. But we had our moment, Jake. We had everything together. And it wasn’t enough for you. We’ll never be able to get that back, no matter how hard we try. And even if, by some chance, we came close, it would still not be enough for you.”
He shook his head. “You’re wrong, Kate. I know the mistake I made. I would never do that again.”
I nodded. “I know. But that’s not the point. It wouldn’t be enough. And I’d know it.”
His face changed, and went blank and pale.
“I’m sorry, Jake.”
“Kate, I’ll be retired in a few years. I told you. We’d be able to do anything you wanted.”
“What I want is to be the most important thing in your life. All the time. I know that maybe sounds selfish, but I’m getting a little cranky in my old age. If I’m willing to give that much to someone—and I am more than willing, to the right person—then that’s what I expect in return.”
He slumped back in his chair. “Is this about what’s-his-name? Edward?”
I shook my head. “Edward is a lovely man, and it may be that he’s the one I’ve been waiting for, but he has nothing to do with this. This is all about me, Jake. And you should understand that. Because last time, it was all about you.”
I got up, leaned down to kiss him good-bye, and walked quickly out of the bar. I didn’t even cry. When I got home, I took Boone for her walk, and crawled into bed.
And I still didn’t cry.
I didn’t sleep, but I didn’t cry.
The phone rang early, and I grabbed it on the third ring, which was pretty good, considering I’d been fast asleep.
“Mom? I’m bringing Gabe out to meet Gram.”
“How brave you are, my son. Did you have to call me at seven eighteen to tell me that?”
“Yes. We’re leaving now, stopping for bagels, and we’ll all have breakfast in about an hour. Will she be up?”
“No, but then we all can have a nice chat. I broke it off with Jake.”
“Oh, Mom. I’m so sorry.”
“Me too. See you in a bit.”
Jeff and Gabe brought bagels, lox, three kinds of cream cheese, fresh-squeezed orange juice, a small bag of Gabe’s favorite coffee, and strawberries. My mother was not awake when they arrived, so the three of us sat outside and feasted on the best breakfast in the history of breakfast.
“So, Jake?” Jeff asked. He’d waited until we were almost finished eating.
I shrugged. “Jake left me years ago because what we had together wasn’t enough for him. He wanted success and power more than he wanted to be with me. I could have forgiven him all that, honestly, but I would have still known it. We could never have gone back to the before.”
Gabe sighed. “You’re very brave, Kate. Most people would be willing to settle.”
I shrugged. “I don’t feel brave. I feel empty. But at least I’ve stopped wondering. That’s huge.” I looked at both of them. “Okay, boys, time to take the plunge. Are you ready for this?”
Jeff frowned. “Mom, what’s the big deal? Gram knows I’m gay, right?”
“Yes, honey. But there’s a difference between knowing in the abstract and actually meeting the boyfriend. Let’s head down.”
Mom did not like lox, thought the strawberries were overripe, and what was wrong with Maxwell House? She also kept looking at Gabe as though she didn’t know why he was there, although Jeff introduced him as his partner, sat at his feet, and at one point kissed him on the lips. They stayed until almost noon, insisted on leaving the bagels behind, and headed home.
Alisa came home.
Sam picked her up from the airport late that night. I wanted to stay up and welcome her, but thought about what I would have wanted, at that age, to do with Jake if I hadn’t seen him in months, so I didn’t.
I would have thought that between the jet lag and her welcome home, she’d have slept in. But she came down fairly early the next morning and threw her arms around me, hugging me for a long time. When she finally stepped back, she was crying.
“Alisa, honey, what’s wrong?” My heart was in my throat. Instead of throwing her down, caveman style, had Sam broken up with her last night instead?
“I’m just so glad to be back. And everything with Sam—he told me about that girl, and what you said to him. Thank you, thank you. You saved us. You really did.”
“Oh, Alisa, I’m so glad everything’s fine. Men are so stupid. Even the seemingly smart ones like Sam are capable of supreme idiocy.” I stuck a coffee mug in the Keurig. “And if I hadn’t had to talk to Sam about what an idiot he was being, I would not have seen my own situation for what it really was. I told Jake good-bye.”
“Kate, really? Oh, I’m so sorry for you. I thought he made you happy.”
“He did. But it was false happiness. Like eating a candy from your childhood. You remember it as being the best thing ever, but when you taste it again, it’s all sugar and fluff that just melts away.” I shrugged. “Now. Tell me about all that wonderful food.”
She went up a bit later to shower; then Sam came down, looking very happy. “Mom, life is good,” he said, head in the refrigerator. “Very good.”
“Yes, Sam, it sure is. So, I guess that means everything with Alisa?”
“Everything with Alisa is better than good. I don’t know what got into me, Mom. But right after we talked, I told Vin I was making a mistake. She got a little pissy, I guess, but you were so right about everything.” He closed the fridge, a container of yogurt in one hand, orange juice in the other. “Thanks.”
