Runaway Love

by Colbie Kay

  I focus on what she said instead of my rising erection so that I’m not giving whoever she brought an eye full. My brows pull down. "Okay." She never mentioned bringing anyone. She waves toward the van, the side door opens, and my mom appears.

  She walks up to me hesitantly with tears in her eyes. I'm assuming Daphne told her what I did. "Hey, Mom." I pull her into my arms as she begins to cry. "Shh. Don't cry. I'm okay." I try to comfort her.

  She sobs into my chest. "I love you, Devon. I'm sorry."

  I break from our hug, cupping her cheeks with my hands so she has to look at me. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you, Mom."

  She cries harder. "Yes, I do. I was a terrible mother to you."

  I chuckle. "No, you weren't. You were the best mom I could ask for. And my problems are not because of you." I give her a kiss on the cheek and release her to stand beside Daphne.

  Two more people start walking up to us. "You had your parents come?" My wide eyes dart to her.

  She gazes up at me. "They love you, Dev. You were always like a son to them and they wanted to give you their love and support."

  "Devon!" Penny, Daphne's mom, gushes and gives me a tight hug.

  "It's good to see you, Penny." I hug her back before letting go.

  Daphne's dad stands in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest and narrowed eyes. "You know when you two were kids, we loved you. Then you hurt my baby and gave her a baby, making me a grandpa way too soon."

  "Dad!" Daphne groans.

  "It's okay," I reassure her. My eyes stay glued to his. "Yes, sir. I've made many mistakes in the last eleven years, but leaving your daughter was the worst," I tell him honestly.

  "And what are you doing to rectify it? What happens when you want to leave again?"

  I cross my arms over my own chest, matching his stance, refusing to back down. "Not gonna happen. I'm gonna marry your daughter just like I always should have."

  He relaxes and slaps my shoulder before bringing me in for a hug. He whispers in my ear. "You hurt either of them again, you will have me to deal with. But...I'm happy you’re getting the help you need, and I can see Daphne still loves you. I want what's best for her, and though I question it, I stand beside her decisions."

  "I'm what's best for her and our son," I tell him boldly, without hesitation. He pulls back and nods. He goes to stand next to his wife.

  One more pair of feet step out of the van and walk toward us. His head is down until he gets a few feet away. I glance at Daphne, but she's looking straight ahead with a big smile and tears falling. My head snaps back in front of me. I'm frozen in place. I hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears, and I try swallowing past the lump that's grown in my throat. Tears spring forward, but I don't bother trying to hide them.

  He lifts his head. His eyes stare into mine as a smile begins to form on his face. "Hi, Dad."

  I drop to the ground, tears run down my cheeks, and I lose it in front of everyone. Zane runs for me, throwing his arms around my neck. Mine go around his back. I hug him so tightly, and just like I feel for Daphne, I never want to let go of him.

  I barely get out, "Hey, buddy."

  I pull back to look him in the eyes. "I love you so much. Do you know that?"

  He nods. "My mom and grandmas have told me. I love you too, Dad. When you leave here can we hang out?"

  I smile wide and nod. "Yes, definitely."

  I stand back up with my arm around my son, and I put my other around Daphne. I lean over, kiss her temple, and whisper, "Thank you."

  Her head swivels in my direction. She smiles up at me and mouths, “You're welcome.”

  "Let me show you around." I'm not surprised my father didn't come. I'm not going to waste a breath by asking about him.

  I lead them down the few yards to the pond. It has huge goldfish swimming around in the water. Some of the patients like to sit out here away from everyone else. They watch them while drawing or writing in their journals that we get in group therapy.

  "It's so peaceful out here." My mom comments while looking around at the flowers and miles of empty green land.

  "Yeah, it really is. Different than the city.” I look down at my son. "Zane, do you like horses?" I still can't believe he is here.

  He looks up at me with a blinding smile and nods quickly.

  It's surreal, and looking at him, it's like looking at myself when I was his age. Having him say “Hi, dad” and hug me, felt like my whole world was right. Every missing piece was found and put back where it belonged. It’s fucking wild how much I love him and don’t even know him.

  The gut-wrenching feeling that I almost wasn't here to meet him takes root deep in my chest.

  "Hey, you okay?" Daphne nudges my shoulder.

  My eyes focus on hers. "Yeah. I just got lost in my thoughts for a minute. Okay, so let's go up this way." I lead them to the right and around the other side of the center. A wooden fence runs along the back where the horses are.

  "Can I ride one?" Zane asks in awe, staring at the animals.

  "One of the workers should be in the stables." I run over to check and find Mason cleaning. "Hey, can my son ride?"

  He leans the shovel against the wall and pulls his work gloves off, sticking them in his back pocket. "Yeah, sure. Let me get Star saddled."

  "Thanks." I run out of the stables and back over to my family. "He's going to get you all set up."

  "This is awesome, Dad!" Zane tells me excitedly. I laugh, but I fucking love hearing him call me dad.

  When Mason is ready, he waves Zane over and instructs him on what to do, then helps Zane onto the horse. Looking over at us with a wide smile, Zane waves. We all wave back and laugh at how happy he is.

  I take Daphne's hand in mine, entwining our fingers, and pull her away from our parents. "Thank you for being here."

  Her free hand comes up and lays against my cheek, her eyes searching mine. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, Dev. I brought your mom and my parents to show you that we love you and we're here for you."

  My brows pull down. "Why did you bring Zane?"

  She sighs and drops her hand. "Because you need your son and he needs you. I was trying to protect him, but it was only hurting the both of you." Her eyes connect with mine. "Maybe if you had Zane before, you wouldn't have pulled that trigger." Her eyes fill with tears and her voice wobbles.

  I pull her into me. "Baby, it had nothing to do with you or Zane. It’s my own personal hell, and I couldn't see any way out. I'm so fucking sorry you were there to witness it, but I promise, I'm getting better. I'm starting to realize my worth, and what I have to live for.” I look over at our son and back to her. “It's going to be a long road, but I'm going to fight like hell to stay in the light."

  "I don't ever want to be without you again." She cries into my chest.

  "You won't be." I rub my hand up and down her back, kissing the top of her head. "I'll love you forever, Daph."

  "No!" She shouts unexpectedly and pulls away from me. My face scrunches up in pain from her outburst. "You can't say that to me ever again, Devon." She shakes her head, and I'm at a loss. "Those are the last words you said before...I...I just can't hear them. It's a reminder."

  "Shit!" I didn't even think about that. "How the fuck do I tell you I love you then?"

  Just saying I love you to her has never felt right. What we have is more than just some generic saying. It’s deeper than all of that. I need it to be special, only for us, because she needs to know she's special to me.

  "Just tell me you love me." She laughs and looks up at me with adoration through her thick black lashes.

  "No, that's not good enough. I'll think of something. But for now, I do love you."

  "I love you too."

  I finger a few strands of her hair, twisting it around. “I like your hair. It reminds me of when we were younger.”

  “Thanks.” She smiles. “Maybe you aren’t the only one finding yourself again.”

  I cup her cheeks
in my hands, and bring my lips softly to hers before moving my mouth over to her ear. "When you get home, I want you to go to the clubhouse. Go into my room and get the box from under my bed. You'll have all the answers."

  I pull back. She has a questioning expression, but I don't give her time to ask anything. I take her hand in mine and tug her along with me back over to our parents to watch Zane ride. Maybe one day he'll be riding a Harley?

  As I sit here staring at the box Devon told me to get from the clubhouse, I feel like I'm invading his privacy for some reason. I've held onto this box for the last week, scared to open it, scared to get the answers I'm not sure I want. I know it's to help me understand what happened to him, but I'm terrified. It took me a week to grow enough invisible steel woman balls in order to go and get the damn thing.

  He wants me to open it though. I run my sweaty palms along my thighs, take a deep breath, and release it.

  I reach out, grabbing the coffee table to pull it closer to me. I remove the lid, and looking inside, my lips lift when I see Grizzly, my bear I’d given him when I was six. He was so sad that day while sitting on the curb, crying because he wanted to go home. I bring Grizzly to my chest and hug him before laying him down next to the box.

  The next item is a picture of me and Devon when we were teenagers. I look closer. GAH! We were so young then, so happy, not a care or worry in the world. I remember this picture had been taken not long before he left. We were sitting on the tailgate of his truck, one of his arms around my shoulders, and I was smiling at the camera while Devon was grinning down at me.

  The rest of the box is filled with envelopes, hundreds of letters. I sort through each of them, all of them with my name. I open the first one.

  Dear Daphne,

  I can't disclose my location. It wouldn't matter anyway because I have no intentions of sending this letter to you. I guess this is my way of keeping you close for my own selfish reasons. Me leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm sorry for leaving in the middle of the night, but I couldn't bear the thought of having to look you in the eyes and say goodbye, only to then, have to walk away from you.

  You don't know this, but I came into your bedroom the night I left. After you ran from me, I waited on my front porch, watching your bedroom window until I knew you would be asleep, and then I snuck in through your window. I watched you sleep for the final time. You called out my name and sat up like you could feel me there with you, but you never saw me. We always did have this invisible string holding us together, like our souls were actually connected. My name coming from your lips will always be the sweetest sound, and I'll never forget it.

  I have Grizzly here with me, keeping me safe, and it's almost like a part of you is too. I miss you so much Daphne, and I know you probably hate me, but I had my reasons for leaving.

  I stop reading, tears blur my vision. I had no idea he came into my room that night. I huff, “Why did he leave?” It doesn't make sense.

  I begin reading again.

  I imagine if you were to read this, you would be huffing and getting irritated by the unknown. Don't worry, I'm going to tell you why.

  He knew me all too well. I laugh to myself.

  The night before I enlisted my mom was gone for the evening. I think she was with your mom…maybe. Anyway, my dad had been drinking and he started in on me about college. I told him our plan. You would go to art school and I'd go to the university in New York. It wasn't the first time he called me worthless, as you know, but it was the first time he said I was a leech that was attached to you. He said I was a fucking pussy. That I'd never be a man if I followed my girlfriend like a little pussy. He told me that if I was a real man, I would leave you alone instead of chasing a stupid fairytale dream, and that if you could get away from me long enough, you would realize there's more to life than a worthless maggot like me. He told me that all I do is suck people dry like the fucking leech I am. Then said that when I was finally out of the house, I shouldn’t ever think about coming back.

  He got in my head, Daphne, and I thought that maybe he was right. Maybe I was holding you back from something because you are fucking amazing. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know, and you are destined for something great. I wanted to be a part of that, but because I listened to my father, I gave it all up: our dreams, plans, future. I hope one day you'll move on and find someone you can love again because your love, Daphne, is everything.

  I'm sorry. I'll love you forever, Daph.

  Devon

  Oh, my God! Anger boils inside my veins as I set the letter down. I plant my elbows on my knees and cover my face with my hands. I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. This must be why Devon's dad wouldn't go to see him at the center, why Devon feels like his parents’ house isn't his home, and why he couldn’t go home. Maybe this is the reason his dad quit drinking so much after I found out I was pregnant. Maybe he felt guilty for running his son off and realizing he was going to have a grandbaby. Maybe this is why he treats Zane better than he did Devon…spoiling Zane.

  I always knew Devon's dad had a drinking problem, and I knew sometimes he and Devon would fight, but I never knew his dad called him such horrible names. Devon would sneak into my bedroom window some nights and sleep in my bed when they would fight, but Devon never wanted to talk about the fights with me. He would always tell me to just let it be.

  How could his mom not know what was happening though? Obviously, she doesn't know why Devon left, but did she know how he was treated? My parents never mentioned anything. There were never any issues at our family dinners on Friday nights, and Devon obviously downplayed how bad it really was. He made it seem like it was just the normal parent/teenage rebellious arguments. And it wasn’t like he was sneaking over every night, but maybe I should have pushed more or insisted he tell me?

  I fought with my parents too when I stayed out late or defied them. Who didn’t fight with their parents? But mine would never have treated me like this. Was I just clueless and naïve, too caught up in myself to realize what was happening to the boy I loved?

  I grab the next envelope and begin reading. Over the next couple of hours, I don't know how many letters I have read, but Devon wrote to me every single day. He never tells me the location, but he describes the weather as the hottest he’s ever felt, shares what he does from day to day, and he always tells me he'll love me forever. My heart hurts reading those words after what happened in his room at the clubhouse.

  I reach for the next letter.

  Dear Daphne,

  I've been here for about a year now and it's rough. Today especially, and I don't know how I'm going to make it another three years in the Army. I miss you so fucking much. I miss a lot of shit, but I try to keep reminding myself that I'm here for the greater good. Mullins, he's my gunner on patrol in the truck, tries to keep me laughing. He's a shithead most of the time, pulling pranks on people and always joking around, but I guess it's his way of dealing with the shit we go through here.

  Today was especially hard because we were out on patrol and came up on a little girl. She was adorable with long black hair, big brown doe eyes, and no older than eight. I had a thought, maybe that’s what our daughter would have looked like except with your gray eyes and creamy skin.

  She was standing in the middle of the dirt road, just standing there. We tried to get her to move, but she wouldn't budge. We smiled at her and tried to talk to her, and after a while, one of the privates stepped out of the Humvee and walked over to her. When he grabbed her arm, she lifted her shirt with the other and there was a fucking bomb attached to her. He couldn't get away fast enough. She pushed the trigger blowing them both away. It was a fucking bloodbath, Daph. Blood, guts, brains, and body parts, scattered all across the roadway and on our truck.

  Fuck, Daphne. This shit is fucking with my head. Watching people die. Killing people every day. Innocent people losing their lives, and some of our men will never return home to their families. This shit is so hard, a
nd I don't know how to deal with it. This place has made me a killer, a murderer. I’ve lost myself in this darkness that is starting to consume me. The higher-ups say this shit gets easier, but I can’t see that happening.

  I'm sorry I had to get that off my chest. Hopefully, tomorrow's letter will be better.

  I'll love you forever, Daph.

  Devon

  Jesus, I can't even imagine. My stomach turns at the words written on this piece of paper. How would anyone be okay after witnessing something so horrific? I’m glad he had Mullins trying to keep his spirits high, and just from the time I spent with Mullins, he was a good guy, joked around, and he will be severely missed.

  I begin reading more letters. A couple more hours go by, and I open the last one.

  Dear Daphne,

  It's been a few months since I wrote to you and I'm sorry about that, but I was in an accident.

  We were on patrol, like any normal day, like we have been for the last three years. I don't remember every detail, but I do remember the sound of gunfire that surrounded us and the loud boom when I ran over the IED. The IED exploded and my Humvee was on fire. I was trying to get out, but I couldn't get my door open. The truck was filled with smoke. I was panicking and my back was starting to get really hot. Suddenly, my door did open. I fell out, and everything went black. I've been at the military base hospital for the last few months for my burns.

  I found out later that Mullins, my gunner, was the one who opened my door. He stopped the fire that was burning through my clothes and burning my flesh. He also ended up taking two bullets while trying to get me to safety. I owe him my life, Daphne. He's come to see me since he's in the same hospital, and he tells me he's fine, but I'm not fine, Daph. I'm far from fine. I failed at keeping my men safe. They died because of me, and one of them was just eighteen. Jesus, how do I deal with that guilt? I'm filled with it. Filled with darkness and filled with regret. I wish I could go back to easier times, times with you, but that's not my reality anymore. My reality is filled with death, killing, and scars that have disfigured me. I haven’t seen my back yet because it’s still bandaged, but I can imagine how repulsive I will be.