Her Release (One Night Stand Book 3)

by Toni J Strawn

  I stopped to consider that thought and the truth hit me like a punch to the gut. If it came to the crunch, I would rather be with Jess than have her as a case study for the extension program. The realization was both devastating and liberating at the same time, and I had the insane urge to laugh.

  It changed everything.

  Yet, it changed nothing.

  I still needed to go home in a few weeks, and I refused to make false promises, paint some abstract picture of a future we might have together when I knew I had to leave. I rubbed at my chest. Jess still had a long way to go in her recovery and I refused to give her any reason to think I had something to offer that I didn’t. I respected her too much for that.

  “What now?” Jess’s head rolled to the side.

  “What did you have in mind?” The beginnings of my interest stirred. She did that to me. And I was driven by the knowledge my time here was limited. Yeah, I was a bastard like that.

  Her nose wrinkled. “Actually, I have to go. I’ve already skipped too many classes this week.”

  “Tease.”

  “If I was teasing, I’d say, you have the clinic to think of. Jayne will be expecting you,” she mocked.

  “Your loss.” I stretched out, letting Jess see exactly what she was missing.

  “Been there. Done that.” She sniffed. Then let out a squeal when I lunged after her.

  I captured her in my arms, the game turning more serious when I realized I didn’t want to let her go.

  “Roll on the weekend,” I growled in her ear. “I won’t be letting you out of my sight so easily.”

  She wriggled and I released her, liking the feel of her body rubbing against mine a little too much.

  “I’m yours from Saturday night,” she promised, her gaze softening.

  A streak of possessiveness stole the air from my lungs, and I touched my hands to my chest.

  “What happened to Saturday? I still owe you a hike up to the tributaries,” I reminded her. “My dad used to take me and my brother camping around one of the smaller streams. We’d go out at night, hunting for eels and fireflies.”

  “You’re from around here?” Jess looked surprised, like it was something she should have known. But then, there was a lot I didn’t know about her either. I was just passing through.

  “Yeah. My brother and I grew up in a small town just out of Cumberland. That’s how I know what you need to prepare for a hike in the mountains. Some places can be pretty wild, but I’d love to take you if you want to go.”

  “Where. Hiking? Hell, yeah.” Jess nodded, warming to the idea.

  “So, Saturday then?” I was keen to lock in the date.

  Jess bit back a sigh. “Uh, not Saturday. Unfortunately. I’ve already promised to do something else. But we can go Sunday.” Her smile was strained.

  Yep. Definitely something going on.

  “We still have work to do on your knee,” I reminded her.

  Jess looked away and I blew out a breath, wishing I’d shut up about her injury. If I was honest with myself, her knee had nothing to do with my need to see her.

  “I have things to do.”

  I narrowed my gaze at Jess’s evasive answer.

  “But I have the house to myself tomorrow night,” she said, bouncing back brightly. “Do you want to come over? It will give me the home advantage.” She clasped her hands about my neck, getting in nice and close to my mouth. “It’s time to play the game my way.”

  I leaned forward and brushed my lips against hers.

  “I like the sound of that,” I murmured. “No more games. I’ve learned my lesson.”

  “Yeah, but we all know you’re a slow learner.” Jess kissed me again, her tongue grazing my lip. “I think you need another demonstration.”

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Jess

  I had gone all out to get ready for my date with Van. First, I’d gone for a walk, then done my exercises to iron out the last of the twinges in my leg muscles, until I felt supple and limber.

  Great sex was good motivation. I stifled a giggle at the thought. There would no giant cramps or seizures ruining this night—or couches. Madison’s two seater was definitely not up for the job.

  I had even taken some care in choosing what to wear, eschewing Madison’s well stocked wardrobe for something of my own. A bold red-and-white sheath dress that fell to the floor. Spaghetti straps emphasized my well-toned arms and golden skin. Underfloor heating meant I could leave my feet bare, although I adorned my ankle with a chain, linked with seven tiny silver stars.

  I looked good. The apartment looked great. So why did I feel so nervous about Van coming here? Raw. Like I was laying myself open.

  The buzz of the doorbell kicked my pulse into an unsteady rhythm, even though I’d been expecting it. I gave in to temptation and swiped damp hands down my thighs. Took a breath. Then lost it again when I opened the door to Van.

  His chest was the first thing I noticed, the lines of his pecs hugged by a metallic gray shirt that glinted in the light. His lips were curved upward into a welcoming smile and his hair was wet, like he’d just walked out of the shower and come straight here. Sexy as hell.

  He raised his brow at my frank appraisal. “Are you going to let me in?” Warm chocolate eyes sparked with a hint of darkness.

  Heat burned at my cheeks, and I stepped back, nearly tripping on the hem of my dress. Of course Van was right there to catch me. He shut the door behind himself and his arms were around me, his mouth brushing mine…

  Everything slipped into place as all of my nerves and anxieties melted away. I leaned in, my hands flattening against his chest, my legs weak, my head spinning. His tongue probed my mouth and I moaned, the heat of his hunger loosening my thighs while my nipples hardened into aching points as I rubbed against him.

  “Jess. Stop.” Van drew back, his breath a harsh rasp between his lips.

  “Why?” I was still lost in a thick cloud of desire and not about to let him get away so easily. His erection was a thick bulge in his jeans, evidence of how much he wanted this too. I slid back toward him, head tilted in anticipation of another lust-fueled kiss.

  “No.” Van stopped me with on hand on my shoulder, holding me at arm’s length. He shook his head as if to clear it. “We need to talk,” he said.

  “That sounds ominous.” I gave a small, half-choked laugh.

  He crossed to the couch and sat down, waiting for me to join him. I sunk down into the nearest chair, my heart thudding dully as I replayed his entrance. We’d kissed. It was hot. What the hell had happened?

  “I’m sorry, Jess, but to be fair to you, I have to say this before we go any further.” He caught my gaze, regret thick on the air. “I know about your plans for Saturday.”

  He pulled a piece of paper out from his pocket and threw it on the coffee table. I glanced down. The Mud, Sweat, and Tears flyer.

  “Is that all?” Confusion turned to relief and the air rushed from my lungs. “God, I thought it was something serious!”

  “This is serious, Jess. Tell me you’re not going to go through with it. And involve your friends.”

  Relief became irritation at Van’s self-righteous tone. “How the hell did you find out about it anyway?” I narrowed my gaze. “It was Jayne, wasn’t it?” I rubbed at my arms, feeling the bite of betrayal.

  “She came to me for advice this afternoon and showed me the flyer. I guessed straight away who was involved.” His gaze bored straight into me, a chill creeping across my skin. “She told me you’d practiced at the army assault course on Tuesday.”

  My heart sank a little more.

  “That’s why you turned up at my apartment covered in bruises and aching in areas you shouldn’t have been. Shit, Jess.” Van closed his eyes, looking like he was close to losing it.

  “It is none of your business. Jayne had no right—”

  “And what about my right as her consultant? She’s on my damn program.” Van shook his head, sucking in a breath before conti
nuing. “They look up to you, Jess. And you just want to lead them into trouble. I like to encourage my clients to extend themselves. I do,” he argued when I snorted. “But there are still limitations.”

  I stiffened. “Even saying that word makes me want to be reckless,” I argued, heat rising to sit in a hard lump at my chest. “Why should I have limitations? Why shouldn’t I challenge life? At least I’m facing my fears and doing something, instead of treading water, cowering away like a reject and accepting my fate.”

  “You call this getting on with it?” Van scoffed. “You’re a big fish in a little pond. You strut around the clinic like you have the right to do what you want, but I don’t see you going out in the real world. You cower behind your brother, using him as an excuse when it gets too hard for you.”

  My face grew hot, although my insides were still icy with rage. “There are no limitations,” I hissed, fingers tightening into fists. “Bad shit happens every day and it doesn’t matter what you do to try and stop it. You can’t!” I dared him to open his mouth and utter a word. “My mom was brave and rash and fucking awesome. She died and there wasn’t even a piece in the newspaper.” Tears pricked at my eyes and I crossed my arms, holding in the pain of saying the words out loud. “That’s not going to be me.”

  “So, what, you’re going to go out in a blaze of glory?” Van was unmoved. “You court disaster. You’re self-destructive.” He threw his hands up. “And it’s not just you that you’re pulling down with you.”

  My breath came hard, hot anger spilling through my veins. I wanted to scream and rant and punch at Van. I wanted to storm to my room, slam the door and not face what he was saying. I scraped my hand over my mouth, knowing I would do none of these things.

  “I’m not making them do it,” I said, but even as I said the words, guilt prickled at my chest. I hadn’t exactly made it easy for Jayne and Tash to say no, either.

  “They look up to you. Look at you,” Van flicked his gaze over me, his lips tightening. You’re the perfect role model for rehabilitation,” he went on, ignoring my expression. “You don’t give up. You try everything. You’re not scared of failure.” Van leaned his hands on the table, not releasing my steely-eyed stare. “You make the impossible possible. But with that comes responsibility.”

  “So you’re telling me not to do it?” I rubbed at my knee as I glared up at him.

  “What, so you can use me as a convenient excuse, too?” Van’s jaw jumped. “‘Sorry, girls I can’t do it because Van won’t let me’.” He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

  “I’m not using you as an excuse.” I recoiled from the idea. “In two weeks, you’ll be gone, so what do you care?”

  Van rocked back as if I had struck him.

  “You know why.” Tension disappeared from his frame and he sank to the floor at my feet. He removed my hands from my knee and started to rub at the injured joint in gentle circles. “Because I care about you. Because you’ll end up hurting someone. Could you live with yourself if that happened?” Van dipped his head, hiding his expression. “I lost my brother and my father followed not long after. He gave up after my brother died.”

  The despair in his words… I laid a hand on his shoulders as his body seemed to fold in on itself and he slumped against me, shuddering beneath my touch.

  “Now you want me to stand by and watch you self-destruct, because you think jumping out of a plane or launching yourself at an assault course is a good thing? I can’t do that, Jess. I can’t stand by and watch you hurt yourself and others.”

  I froze in the act of stroking the back of his neck. My heart broke at the sight of the pain on his face, but Van didn’t know what he was asking. For me never to take risks, or try something a little bit extraordinary…that was what I wanted my life to be about. What my mom would have wanted.

  “Then don’t watch.” I pushed to my feet, my limbs heavy with the weight of understanding. I opened the door, needing him to leave now before I changed my mind and begged him to stay. “You’re going anyway. Maybe it’s better this way.”

  Van got up and something close to pain ripped through my chest.

  “It doesn’t have to be like this. Just because I’m leaving Wellsford doesn’t mean we have to say good-bye. I don’t want it to be good-bye,” he said, pressing his lips together. “I know I should…” He shook his head. “But I don’t want to.”

  The blood thudding through my veins felt like it was out of sync with my heart. Hope fluttered like tiny wings in my stomach.

  “Why would you want to stay with me?” I couldn’t look up.

  But I heard his deep sigh, caught the movement of his hands as they dropped to his sides. “Because what happens at the clinic doesn’t belong here with us. We have something together. Right or wrong, I want to be with you, Jess.”

  Something shifted with his words, and I wrapped my arms around my chest, feeling insubstantial, like a puff of air might carry me away. Wasn’t that what I’d been waiting for? To hear Van say I was more to him than the sum of my injury?

  That he might be coming to like me too…

  Yet I didn’t close the door and stop him from leaving. There was still a part that wondered if Van was manipulating me again. “I want that too, but I think you should go,” I said, more firmly than I felt. “We could both use some space right now.

  “Jess, don’t do this.”

  “What? Be sensible?” I gave a bitter laugh. “I’m confused and I have a lot of thinking to do. Decisions to make.” I hoped Van got that and I hadn’t just ruined what I was starting to believe we might have.

  Van paused in the threshold, hurt in his eyes. As well as understanding. “I don’t like it. But I can live with it.”

  He opened his arms, inviting me into his embrace. I hesitated a beat before stepping forward. Van tightened his arms around me and I took a deep breath, enjoying his warm masculine scent. His heart was an echoing thud to mine, restrained energy lying beneath the gentleness of his touch.

  With an effort I stepped back. “I’ll talk to you later.” I gripped the door handle, a physical anchor to stop from burying myself in his arms again.

  “Yeah. You will.”

  Watching Van go was the hardest thing I had ever done. I curled into a ball on the couch, swallowing past the thickness in my throat, waiting for the numbness to recede.

  Was he right? Had I used Cole as an excuse to stop when things got too hard?

  There was some truth to it, I supposed. Yet there had also been times when Cole had stopped me from doing one thing and I’d gone out and acted twice as bad, just to prove I could. Like the failed trip to Idaho and my near-arrest in Vegas…

  It had become like a game. Not a very nice game. I sank my head onto the armrest, feeling ashamed of what I had done, how unfair I’d been to Cole. In fact, I’d been a pain in the ass when he’d done nothing but love me and look after me for all these years.

  I wished I could call him now and ask his advice on doing the assault course with Jayne and Tash. Maybe apologize a little. But, I already knew what his answer would be to Mud, Sweat, and Tears. A big, fat, resounding no. Yet I was still compelled to hear it—old habits of hearing the truth from someone else were hard to break. And meant I wasn’t the one making the decision. Exactly what Van had accused me of doing.

  Van had said that what we had went beyond the clinic. Whether manipulating me or not, he’d made me feel like he trusted me to make the right decision.

  And what was the right decision? The amazing high I had experienced from rock climbing was something I wanted for Jayne and Tash. The rush that came from an achievement I hadn’t thought I was capable of.

  What it came down to was whether I truly believed my friends could handle the assault course or not. I got out the entry documents and studied the map of the course. The wall. The rope swing. Log Mountain.

  I swore under my breath. Then out loud. Admitting to myself that they would struggle was like telling my friends they weren’t
whole. I didn’t want to place those kinds of restrictions on them.

  But the alternative was that they attempted the course and injured themselves.

  Guilt ate like acid in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t live with that either.

  I picked up the phone.

  “Jess?” Van answered my call.

  I gripped the phone, my mouth dry. “I’m not going to do it.” A beat of silence met my words. One second in which I flushed hot, then cold and had to sit down before I fell over.

  “It’s your choice and it wouldn’t have changed how much I care about you…but I’m glad.” The warmth in Van’s words replaced any lingering coldness. His voice was full of pride and I found a small half smile.

  I laid my head on the arm of the couch, not wanting to say anything that might ruin the moment. I wanted to stay like that all night, the phone in my hand a connection to someone so wonderful. And I wanted Van to come back. Want. Wanted. Wanting.

  The words to get him to come to me stuck in my throat. Because I didn’t just want him—I needed him to be here. And the knowledge scared the crap out of me.

  Jess Langford.

  Scared.

  “Goodnight, Jess,” Van said gently. As if he knew.

  And before I could say anything, he ended the call.

  Leaving me bereft. And relieved. And wondering what the hell I was going to say to my friends.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Jess

  First things first. Thomas was already in town for the weekend. He’d contacted me yesterday as he’d driven in. To keep an eye on his investment, was how he’d put it, although I knew it was more about minimizing any political fallout if something went wrong. After all, it was his name plastered all over the uniforms.

  “I have your T-shirts.” Thomas set a white plastic bag on the table when I met up with him for lunch the next day. “You’ll have to act appropriately while you’re wearing them though.” His hand lingered on the package as if he was concerned about letting it go.