Thanks to hefty budget cuts, Jill, (aka Ms. Elliott), school counselor extraordinaire is also our year book advisor. She’s poised with her camera ready, and a ridiculous, giddy grin at being called by her first name by my dad. Like his attention is some kind of prize? Hardly.
“If you could just stand a little closer to Leland.” She blushes when she says his name.
“Call me Lee,” he says with a skeevy grin. Oh Christ on a cracker.
I obey, stepping behind the table. Ms. Elliott cocks her head curiously.
“Quinn, you sure you’re doing okay there?” she asks.
“Doing great,” I say, and then add “Jill,” under my breath.
Dad shoots me a warning look, and gruffly puts his arm around my shoulder.
“All set? Smile!” Ms. Elliott instructs.
“One second, Jill,” Dad says, “Mark, come on over here and get in the picture.” My body goes into an immediate state of rigor under Dad’s arm as soon as Mark walks toward us.
He slithers around the table and inserts himself into the frame. Without hesitation, he wraps his arm around my waist. I feel like I’m on fire, and not in a good way. As soon as I see the flash from Ms. Elliott’s camera, I lunge away from Dad and Mark.
“I’ve got to go,” I say.
“Go where?” Dad asks. Before I can even answer, his attention is quickly diverted back to Ms. Elliott and her rocking French twist.
I feel Mark’s breath on the back of my neck before I even hear his voice.
“Where are you running off to? I sure do miss you around the office.” I don’t know why his brazenness still surprises me.
“Go away,” I say, grabbing my bag. I practically leap over the table, but someone is blocking my escape. Dammit.
“Hey, Quinn, who is that hottie-tottie with the naughty body?” Shayna Gillan leans in and whispers, pointing in Mark’s direction.
“Get out of my way.”
“So does that mean you aren’t going to introduce me?” she asks innocently.
“Not even a little chance of that happening, you psycho hose beast.” I push past her, my rage growing.
“Quinn!” I hear my dad call after me.
“Quinn! You G.D. clumsy oaf, you made me spill my coffee!” Shayna yells.
“Quinny! Where have you been?” I hear Sydney’s perky voice, but I don’t turn around. I pull the hooded sweatshirt I have stashed in my backpack out and yank it over my head. Here I am again, running away-as usual.
I press my hands to my ears as I make my way across the gym. I concentrate only on the exit door, and try to block out the cacophony of their voices.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ben
I’m late this morning. I hate showing up late, but I took my mom to the airport on my way to school. It took me forever to get across town in the constant Atlanta downpour. Mom is going to Kentucky to visit Caroline’s family, and go to a craft fair or some rigamarole like that.
When I finally make my way to my first class, the door is locked. I knock loudly on the heavy door as I peer through the deeply tinted glass. All of the lights are off. Perfect. For a split second, standing there in the rain, I wonder if I’m being Punk’d. I half expect to turn around and find a hysterical camera crew. Ah hell, it finally dawns on me. I forgot we had an assembly or something this morning. I turn and haul ass clear across campus toward the gym. I’m so focused on not busting my ass on the wet concrete that I run smack into someone.
“Crap, I’m so sorry,” I say. The hoodie pulled tight over her face gives her away instantly– Quinn. I catch her before she slips, and for an instant, the feeling of her tiny body in my arms completely overwhelms me.
“Hi,” I say, steadying her. She looks surprised, but for a fleeting second, her eyes are soft.
“Hey.” She jerks away from me sharply, and stares down at her hands.
“You running late, too?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “No, I was just leaving.”
“Where are you headed?” I ask. She looks over her shoulder toward the gym entrance. I finally get a good look at her face. Her eyes are red and moist, like she’s been crying, or is about to start.
She frowns. “Anywhere but here.”
“All right, let me take you somewhere, you look really upset.” I inhale and hold my breath while I wait for her to respond. She is standing in a puddle, looking pitiful. Her knee length dress is soaked and clinging to her legs and the oversized hoodie makes her look lost.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” she says.
“Quinn-” I begin. She shocks me by patting my hand. I squeeze hers in response before she lets go altogether like I know is inevitable. “Let’s just get out of here.”
For the first time since I met her, I’m seriously beginning to question whether or not I have any sense of self-preservation. Any normal guy would have turned the other way after running into her, but I just can’t. In the rush of the morning, I’d managed to go hours without thinking about her, which has to be some kind of record. It’s been almost a month since I have talked to Quinn. She’s delusional if she thinks I don’t see her hiding in the halls, trying so hard to avoid me. I can’t say it feels really great. I mean, shit, we can’t even say hello to each other? I’m not ready to say goodbye to her yet.
“Listen, it was really good to see you, but I’ve got to get out of here.” She gives me a half smile and then walks away.
I’ve pictured running into Quinn countless times over the last month or so, and I’ve thought about all of the things I’d say to her. This was going nothing like I had planned.
“Quinn!” I easily catch up to her.
She stops abruptly and sighs. “What do you want from me, Ben?”
She’s staring up at me, wide eyed and beautiful.
“I don’t want anything from you– I mean, I do. Shit, I don’t know what I mean.” Why does she make me stumble over my words like an idiot? “I’m not saying we have to get back together. I just don’t understand why things have to be like this with us. We aren’t strangers; we don’t have to act like it.”
She pinches her lips together. “Don’t you get that I’m no good for you?”
I take a step closer to her, more than anything, I want to wrap my arm around her waist and pull her close to me like I used to be able to do.
“Don’t you get that I don’t care about any of that?”
She finally blinks and looks away. I close the space between us, and hold her cheek in my palm. Her eyes close, and her features soften. She rolls her cheek back and forth in my hand. She’s so close. Finally.
When she speaks, her voice is tender and full of emotion.
“Ben, I don’t know how to make you understand. My family is just so incredibly dysfunctional. And do you know what I’ve realized? That I’m exactly like them. You need proof? Look what I did to us.”
I shake my head in disagreement. “No, you just have no idea how incredible you are in spite of them.”
“No, I’m seriously flawed.”
I can see a tiny part of her opening up again.
“Shit, Quinn, we’re all flawed. I’m not looking for perfect. I don’t care if it’s messy. I’m just looking for real…I thought that’s what we had.”
She picks up her hands to stare down at them. I can’t take it anymore; I have to be able to touch her. When I reach out to hold her hands, they feel like tiny icicles. I slip them inside the front pocket of my hoodie, making her unbearably close.
“I don’t need you to rescue me, Ben.”
“Well, maybe I need you to rescue me.” I say.
She snorts, and I can’t help but crack a smile.
“Rescue you from what exactly? Your doting mother? Or your perfect ex-girlfriend?”
“A life without you in it,” I tell her. I feel more vulnerable than I ever have before. “You don’t understand, Quinn. You have saved me from a mind numbingly boring life. Everything in my life has al
ways followed a strict plan. And it wasn’t even my plan. I’ve done what I was supposed to do, without questioning why. But you-you came in to my life, and no matter what kind of drama we’ve been through, somehow, you’re the only thing that has ever made any sense to me at all.”
“But I can’t promise I won’t screw up again. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’ll happen sooner than later. I can’t promise things won’t fall apart.”
“You don’t have to make me any promises, Quinn. I don’t care about any of that.” She rests her head on my chest and I breathe her in deeply. “Well, there’s one thing. If shit hits the fan again, just let me be there for you. Let me love you.” As soon as the last few words fall off of my tongue, I know they were a mistake.
“This has got to stop,” she mumbles, so soft I’m not sure if I hear her right.
“Wait, what does?” I ask. She pulls away from me.
“This. You and me. All of this,” she flails her hands around, “It all just has to stop.”
This time, I don’t know how to respond to her, her ups-and-downs are part of who she is. I get that, but I can’t take it right now. It’s started to rain again; my jeans are acting like a sponge, absorbing all of the water and are soaking up to my knees. I don’t feel like being her fool right now.
“You know, what, I’ve never been real fond of roller coasters. So just go ahead and let me off of this one,” I say flatly.
She responds with a halfhearted nod.
“Quinn, do you have any idea how much I fucking love you?” The words get caught in my throat like a glob of wet sand.
She steps back, and my heart sinks. “That doesn’t mean anything.”
Her words fill me with a scorching, angry sadness. The weight on my chest aches and chokes me up.
“You’re wrong, Quinn.” I finally drop my stinging eyes, unable to look at her. “It means everything.”
“I’ve got to go,” she says again.
I don’t try to stop her this time. Instead, I turn away from her before I have to watch her walk away. I can’t play the back-and-forth game any longer.
“That’s why I never said it back, you know.” I hear her call. When I turn around, she has stopped a few steps away from me.
“Said, what, Quinn?” I ask, totally deflated.
“I never said it back, because I knew we’d never last. I warned you I’d screw it up.”
I stand there and watch her walk away, knowing that this time, it’s for good.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Quinn
“Don’t even think about going out tonight,” my dad says.
“Whatever,” I mumble. My backpack hits each step with a thud as I drag it up the stairs behind me.
“What the hell was that little stunt today, Quinn?” He is standing in my doorway, any momentary hopes I had that he’d just leave me alone are promptly quashed.
My hand twitches as I rest it on top of my desk. As soon as he walks away, I can take the two Valium I have stashed.
“I had a headache.”
His brows pinch together as he glares. “You can’t just run out of school because you have a headache.”
“Why?” I’m mere inches away from them, those perfect blue bits of euphoria. I slump down in my desk chair.
The vein in between Dad’s eyebrows is pulsating.
“Damn it, Quinn! You embarrassed me.”
In front of Jill is what he doesn’t say. At least it wasn’t in front of Mena, right?
“Oops,” I mumble.
The room swirls around me as I start spinning in the swivel chair. I know I’m being a childish brat, but I’ve given up the fight, I just want him to go away.
“You’re mother and I have had it! You want to ruin your life, go right ahead. We are done. If you don’t want to finish school, and want to live your life as nothing more than a statistic, do it. I don’t care. But I will tell you one thing, if you don’t plan on graduating, you can go ahead and start packing your things.”
“Okay.”
The room comes to an abrupt stop. The eggplant-colored walls slowly come into focus. Dad’s hands grip the armrests of my chair.
“You don’t take anything seriously do you?” The hazel flecks in his eyes dance with anger.
I stare back at him blankly. Emotionless. I’m empty.
We continue this father-daughter stare off for what seems like decades, all the while, my index finger traces the drawer that I’m so desperate to get into.
He finally relents, shoving my chair away from him in disgust before he storms away.
Barely a nanosecond passes before I wheel myself back over to the desk, and the two circular pieces of heaven are dissolving on my tongue.
Chapter Forty
Ben
“Benny, how are you doing?” Mom says from the doorway.
I’ve been sitting at my desk since I got home from school today. “I’m fine mom.”
“I didn’t hear you come in this afternoon. Do you want a snack?”
Yeah, Mom, I’d like an apple sauce and a juice box.
“Nope, I’m good. Thanks.”
“Grilled cheese? Egg sandwich?”
“No, not hungry, Mom.”
“I could make you some French toast.”
“Seriously, Mom, I don’t want anything.” I open the thick folder of college applications and start flipping through them. “Quesadilla?”
I abruptly close the folder and slam it down on to the desk top. “Jesus, Mom! No. Nothing.”
Her hand flies to her chest, and her eyes start to water. “Okay. I’m just trying to help, is all.”
“I know.”
“I just don’t want you sitting up here moping over that girl,” she says.
I throw my hands up. “Mom, you really want to start that again?”
“I’m not starting anything. It just doesn’t make any sense to waste your time thinking about her. You two just weren’t right for each other. I think it’s for the best.
You know, I prayed about it, and I just know things will turn out the way they’re supposed to.”
“Stop,” I say.
“In any case, you need to get started on those college essays. You don’t have much time left to get them done, Benny.”
“Got it,” I mumble. I thumb through the applications. Harvard. Columbia. Carleton. Vassar.
I wish I felt inspired to write one of those damn essays. Or play my bass. Or do anything but think about that look in Quinn’s eyes. The look that said that she knew that she could save me from this dejection, but she wouldn’t even try to.
I need to get out of here.
********************
“Thanks for riding with me,” I say.
“No problem, man. I didn’t have anything going on anyway,” Grant says.
I had forced myself to write one half-assed essay before calling Grant to run a couple of errands with me.
I glance at the clock on the dashboard. “Oh shit, it’s almost 6:00, I just need to do something really quick,” I say.
Grant looks at me suspiciously as I pull into the deserted parking garage and drive to the roof.
“Okay, I’ll bite, what the hell are we doing here?” he asks. I jump out of the car without answering and pop the trunk. I unzip the camera bag and put the strap of the camera around my neck before Grant even gets out of the car.
“Dude, are you all right?” Grant calls after me.
I rush to the edge of the parking garage. Grant stays behind; he must think I’m totally insane. Maybe I am.
“I’m fine man, one second.” The sky is on fire with the deep orange clouds fighting to stay alive against the dark grey haze that settles over them like a wave rushing onto shore. I snap a single picture and then walk back to the car.
“I’m not even going to ask,” he says.
I slide back into the passenger seat and nod.
Chapter Forty-One
Quinn
Any miniscule nugget of sani
ty I have left will be gone if I have to stay in the house any longer. My dad took my car keys with him when he went to his “meeting,” and my mom’s asleep on the couch right next to the front door. I checked, and she’s passed out, drooling all over herself and everything. Still, I can’t guarantee that she won’t wake up from her Xanax-induced coma as soon as I try to leave.
My bedroom screen pops off with little effort and I slide it under my bed before I slip out the window. I let my feet dangle until they meet the patio cover. When I’m in situations like this, I’m actually thankful I’m a gymnast. I balance across the length of it with such ease. To me, it’s just like walking across the sidewalk. I jump silently from the patio cover, and land lightly on the grass.
I smooth out the collar of my black lace shirt and brush the stray grass off of my jeans and heels.
He is waiting for me in his truck. An anxious smile creeps across his face while he leans over to pop the passenger door open for me.
“Girl, you’re going to be in so much shit if you get caught!” he laughs.
“Just drive, Daniel,” I say, shutting the door quickly.
He snickers again as he puts the truck into drive.
I press my forehead to the window. The sky is clear of its usual thick clouds, and is full of stars. If I wasn’t so miserable it’d probably be beautiful.
“What’s going on tonight? Where are we going?” I ask. It doesn’t matter, really, nowhere will be far enough to escape myself.
“Party at Shayna Gillan’s house, cool?”
I scoff and roll my eyes.
“Oops. My bad, I forgot you two aren’t tight.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of an understatement.”
“Well, you wanna go somewhere else? I’m open to suggestions.”
I shake my head. “I can’t really think of anywhere else to go at this hour.” I should just be grateful that after everything, Daniel is still a good enough friend to me that he dropped what he was doing to come and pick me up.
He winks at me. And, cue the ulterior motives!
“My parents are in the city for the night. We could always head back to my place, like old times.” His hand finds my knee in the darkness.
Grounding Quinn Page 13
