Life Without You

by Liesel Schmidt

  “Obviously,” I murmured. “Wow. I wish I had that kind of force.”

  Savannah laughed. “It would be nice, wouldn’t it? It’s scary, in some ways, but in cases like this, the ability to have so much influence is inspiring.”

  “Awe-inspiring,” I agreed. “I take it that Annabelle told you all this?” I ventured.

  “She did,” Savannah said. “But it wasn’t in a haughty, look-at-me way. Actually, I think she told me because she was, in her own way, looking for reassurance that maybe, just maybe, she’d done something good in the middle of all that she’d done wrong. Much as she’d hate to admit it, Annabelle isn’t above making mistakes.” The fondness in Savannah’s voice was undeniable; but so, too, was the fact that she knew far better than to place Annabelle above reproach. She’d learned to take the good with the bad, just as I suspected Vivi had, in all the years that they’d known one another.

  “After your grammie made her that first cake, Annabelle gave her a cake server to say thank you. It was silver, with her initials engraved on the handle. I wonder whatever happened to that cake server?” she murmured, turning her eyes back to the carousel and the cluster of children that was now spilling from its gated enclosure, having satisfied themselves for the afternoon, ready to move on to their next adventure.

  What, indeed? And had Grammie known, when Annabelle had given her that gift, what she was telling her? Had she realized that Annabelle wanted her to know that she saw beauty and uniqueness and talent that should be celebrated and recognized?

  I hoped so. And I hoped that it was something she was reminded of, every time she used that silver-handled server.

  Chapter Twenty

  Pulling on the jeans Annabelle had bought me felt downright delicious, if I was going to be honest. It had been so long since I’d actually had a brand-spanking-new pair that I almost didn’t know what to do with myself, and I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone would be able to tell just how special I was feeling. I knew it was ridiculous, but it didn’t make it any less true. Now that I’d finally made the decision to wear them and enjoy them, the jeans were giving me a little bit of a confidence boost.

  Which, now that I thought about it, had been precisely what Annabelle had intended when she’d purchased them for me. I just had to make that feeling last, once I walked through the door and out into the real world again. Not that I thought that any amount of new clothes could fix what was wrong with me; but I kind of viewed it as an outward step toward what I wanted to accomplish with the bigger part of me, the part of me that so very greatly needed to be reclaimed and redeemed. The part of me that I had to believe could still be pulled from the wreckage.

  I finished dressing carefully, taking a moment to appreciate the fact that everything was fresh and new, with none of my old associations attached. I had a clean slate with these clothes, a chance to make new memories in them. Memories that I hoped would become the beginning of my story back to real, true, full life.

  Where I would go from here really was up to me.

  “Dellie, your cousin’s here!” I heard Grandpa yell at me from down the hall, and I smiled, shaking my head. Some things would never change, I thought. But I was glad of that, in this case. Hopefully, seeing my cousin now, after all this time, would be another marker of me regaining my identity and trying to repair some of the relationships I had allowed to lapse.

  I’d called Olivia a few days before, finally doing something I should have done much sooner, right when I’d found out about Grammie and George. It had been too much of a shock at first, though. And even after I’d had a chance to process it all and discuss it with my sister and mom, I hadn’t been sure that it was my place to be the one to tell her, assuming that she’d been as unaware of the whole thing as I had been. According to Uncle Luke, though, Olivia and her brother had a head start on the information. Which now gave me the freedom to talk about it with her, to see if she’d felt as blindsided as I had been.

  Had the circumstances been different, I might have been angry about the fact that I’d been kept in the dark, when my cousins had known the story. Admittedly, part of me still felt a little resentment when I’d found out, but the larger part of me understood the reasoning behind it all. Grammie had told them herself—Olivia, at least—at a time in Olivia’s life when she was recovering from a broken heart. She’d wanted her to know how much she understood being hurt and that she wasn’t alone. She had wanted to help her heal.

  “Be there in a minute!” I yelled back, taking one last look in the mirror before I left the room to reestablish my connection with my cousin, the girl who had once spent countless hours with me catching lightning bugs and making rings, who’d raided the cookie jar with me on so many summer visits, who’d ridden the carousel with me and been my cohort as we licked bowls and beaters clean of batter when Grammie was finished with a cake. The girl who was now a woman, a single mother who’d been through trials that had made her stronger, inspiring to me in ways that I knew she wasn’t even aware of.

  I hoped that I would be able to express that to her now, seeing her again, face-to-face for the first time in a decade.

  The phone conversation itself had been a long time in coming. We’d kept loose contact on Facebook, but our once tightly knit relationship had gone the way of so many family associations as we got older and found our places in the world. The many miles between us, distance-wise, didn’t help things, either; but I regretted now not trying harder to maintain our easy friendship. And, admittedly, Olivia was another person in my life that I was hiding from, another person that I was afraid of allowing to see just how little I resembled the Dellie she used to know.

  I walked down the hall, taking a deep breath and hoping I was ready for this. True, that phone call had gone a long way, but we were still so out of sync with one another after all this time. I didn’t expect to pick up where we’d left off—once so close—but I did hope that this would be a starting point. And that I could ask for her forgiveness, as well, for not being here at a time when I should have been.

  Now she was here, more than halfway through my month-long visit, having driven down from Richmond once she finally had a break in her already overly jammed schedule of juggling work and college courses and single-motherhood. Hopefully it wasn’t an effort she would regret.

  I poked my head into the kitchen, no doubt looking tentative. What would she think when she saw me? Would this meeting be awkward, or warm and easy? I could only hope that it would go well, that we would have a chance to talk about things and establish a new connection that would last past this visit.

  “Dellie?” Her voice was the same as it had always been, just a bit more mature, bearing telltale traces of her Virginia roots. A voice I had grown up knowing, a voice I hoped would become familiar once again.

  “Hi, Olivia!” I said back, wondering if the smile on my face would communicate warmth or reflect the worry I was feeling. I stepped fully into the kitchen and moved forward to embrace her, bridging the gap in between us with each step I took.

  “It’s been too long, Dellie!” she exclaimed, wrapping me into a hug. “Much, much too long!”

  “It has,” I agreed, squeezing her with emphasis. “I’m so glad I came, though. And I’m so glad you could come down for a visit while I’m here. I was really wanting to see you—I just wasn’t sure it was going to be possible, with everything you’ve got going on.”

  “No, no, I thought it was important. We have so much catching up to do, don’t we?” Olivia said, taking a step back to look at me, her eyes searching mine. I took the opportunity to study her as well, noting the changes of the past few years. Her face had matured, of course; but she still had the warm, sweet smile of her childhood, dark blue eyes that twinkled when she laughed, and a thick curtain of dark blonde hair that fell to her jawline. She and I were just about the same height, but her body was wholesome and capable-looking where mine was frail. She was gorgeous, and I hoped that it was something she could see, every time s
he looked in the mirror.

  I nodded. Yes, we certainly did have a lot to catch up on. Not the least of which was how we had both responded to finding out what had happened, once upon a time so long ago.

  Grandpa stood watching us, a smile on his face at his girls, back together after so much time apart. “So what are you two planning to do this afternoon?” he asked, still smiling.

  Fortunately, we’d made a plan during our phone call, one that would grant us freedom to talk without worrying that Grandpa would overhear us, one that would give us a little bit of privacy and some real time to visit and catch up.

  “Nothing big. We’re going to go get some lunch and talk,” Olivia replied, casting a warm smile in his direction. “We were thinking it might be nice to just go wander around downtown and find something that looks good. Any suggestions?” she asked Grandpa.

  He thought for a moment. “I can’t rightly say, girls. I don’t really get out much that way to eat, but I’ve heard there’s a cafe there that has some good sandwiches. And there’s a seafood restaurant or two, of course, right on the waterfront.”

  Olivia and I both nodded. “Well, we’ll find something, I’m sure,” I said, trying to move things along a little. More than anything, I just wanted to have some time to talk, away from curious ears and prying eyes. Not that I thought Grandpa was nosy or anything, but having a private place to relax into conversation would do us both good.

  “You ready, then?” Olivia asked me, reaching for the purse and keys she’d deposited on the kitchen table sometime after her arrival.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind us leaving you, Grandpa?” I asked, suddenly feeling somewhat guilty at our abandonment of him, especially since Olivia had only been here for a few minutes.

  “Not at all!” he boomed back, wrapping a reassuring arm around me and squeezing. “The two of you haven’t seen each other in a long time. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about, and you don’t need your old grandpa tagging along.” He smiled broadly to let us know he was only teasing. “I’m just happy you get to have a chance to visit—everybody’s always so busy all the time. And besides, I’ve been needing to wash the deck, and this is the perfect time to do it. You two go on and have a nice time, okay?” he said with another squeeze.

  I kissed him quickly on the cheek and patted my hand on his solid chest. “Okay. If you’re sure. And don’t worry,” I said with a smile of my own, flicking a glance at Olivia as I spoke, “We’ll do our very best to behave. Wouldn’t want you to have to bail us out of the clink or anything like that, would we?”

  His laughter was full-bodied and loud, and I could feel it under the hand I had resting on his chest. “No, we wouldn’t want that. Now scoot, you two!” he said, returning my kiss and releasing me with a gentle push toward the door.

  “Okay, okay,” I said over my shoulder with a giggle. “Just let me go back to the bedroom and get my purse, and we’ll be out of your hair.” I turned and made a quick dash, returning after only a minute to follow Olivia out the door after we both gave Grandpa one more farewell hug and kiss.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “I’m so glad you came, Olivia,” I said again as I strapped myself into the passenger seat of her car. The back seat held a car seat and various other signs that a small child was often in residence—a few discarded toys, a stray shoe, a littering of Goldfish crackers that had fallen to the floor and been forgotten.

  “I’m glad, too. I’ve been wanting to see you,” she replied, reaching into the glove box to take out a pair of sunglasses and slip them on before she buckled her own seat belt. “And I’m sorry I didn’t call you right when I found out you were coming up. I was absolutely swamped with finals at school, and then I had to make this ginormous wedding cake for a friend of mine who was getting married. I felt like I didn’t have a minute to breathe!” She sighed, sounding a little bit tired, now that I thought about it.

  And how could she not be? She was taking care of so many things, all at once. I felt another sharp stab of guilt at not having done more to keep in contact with her, at having missed so many big things that were going on in her life. Not the least of which was the fact that she had discovered her own love for baking cakes—and the fact that she was extremely talented at it.

  “I heard about that. I don’t know how you did it—but then again, I don’t seem to have inherited Grammie’s ability to spin sugar into magic, the way you did,” I replied, watching as she pulled out onto the main thoroughfare so that we could head downtown. This would be my second trip there in as many weeks, and I wondered if today’s beautiful weather would beckon another crowd of children to the carousel.

  Oddly enough, I’d watched the horses run their course on my previous visit without actually getting on myself. When I’d come with Savannah, we’d merely viewed from the sidelines, talking and allowing the more appropriately aged riders to have their turn.

  “Oh, it’s so much fun,” Olivia said, momentarily turning her head to look at me—at least, I was guessing she was looking at me. I couldn’t really tell, because her eyes were hidden behind the tinted lenses of her sunglasses. “Doing it has helped me in a lot of ways, too. It kind of gave me a creative way to work through things after I found out I was pregnant with Ethan and that I was going to have to raise him by myself,” she went on, giving me a glimpse into a part of the story that I’d never heard before.

  “I came down here, took two weeks of vacation from work so that I could just get away and deal, let myself breathe for a little while and think. Grammie made me French toast every morning, just like she did when I was little. And she taught me how to bake cakes and decorate them, just like she did. Even showed me how to make the frosting roses. I got better at it, the more I practiced it, of course; but it wasn’t the easiest thing to learn. Now I can make them pretty quickly. She taught me the recipe for her frosting, too, and everybody swears you wouldn’t know the difference,” she continued with a blush of pride. “I wish I had more time to bake, but with school and work and taking care of Ethan—” she shook her head, turning her attention back to the road “—I just can’t. But when I do get to make cakes…” The corners of her mouth went up in a shy grin. “I can’t really describe how good it makes me feel, watching someone get a cake that I’ve made for them. It’s so rewarding. Does that make sense?” she asked, sounding surprisingly tentative.

  “Definitely,” I said quietly, hating myself for the envy I felt at hearing about the time she’d gotten to spend with our grandmother and the ways that they had strengthened their bond when I’d never really gotten to do that—not to that level, at least. “That’s how I feel when I nail an article about someone. When they email me and tell me how special it was to them to be able to read their story. That’s one of the biggest reasons I love what I do.”

  “And you’re so good at it, Dellie,” Olivia said.

  “I hope so,” I sighed.

  “You are,” she insisted. “We all think so, and it’s not just because you’re family. You really are, and I think it’s great that you’re doing it. Not everybody does that, you know?” There was a hint of wistfulness in her voice that left me wondering if her job truly made her feel fulfilled. Not that I’d heard anyone say anything about my cousin being unhappy at work—she’d been at her company almost since graduating high school, inching her way up as she worked her way through school, toiling toward a degree that was relevant to her continued climb up the corporate ladder.

  But was she happy?

  I wondered if she’d even had enough time to herself to think about it.

  Was she doing what she loved, or had she fallen into the trap of doing what made sense, what paid the bills and supported her son?

  Did I even have the right to ask that, after having been so far removed from her life for so long?

  I decided to bring it up later, after we’d had a little more time to get acclimated to one another.

  “Sometimes I feel like I was an absolute fool for leavin
g a secure job, but…I don’t know. I had to. I wish I could be that brave about more things in my life, but I seem to have limited that part of my adventurous spirit to my professional life,” I said, shaking my head regretfully.

  I shifted in my seat to get a better view of my cousin. She was wearing a white three-quarter sleeve blouse with little blue swallows printed all over it, paired with navy blue chino shorts that perfectly coordinated with the color of the swallows. Her toenails were painted in a sparkly lavender, peeking happily from a pair of dark brown leather sandals. She wore no wedding ring, and I wondered if she ever would. Once upon a time, we had shared the fantasy of having a double wedding, with Grammie making our cakes and throngs of thrilled guests watching as we both floated down the aisle to the men of our dreams in poofy white dresses.

  In reality, neither of us had had the best history with men. True, my relationship had resulted in a wedding while hers had resulted in a child; but neither of us had a Happily-Ever-After romance to show for it.

  Yet.

  I had to believe that it wasn’t too late for either one of us to have that.

  “Is Ethan with your parents? You could have brought him,” I said, knowing I was getting off course in our conversation, but needing to make sure that she knew I wanted to meet the little treasure who had come from her own heartache. “I’ve been wanting to meet him.”

  She nodded. “I know. And you will,” she said, her eyes searching for a parking spot now that we had made it to our destination. “But I kind of thought it would be better to have some time without distractions, so I asked Mom and Dad to watch him today. Not that they minded. They had big plans of taking him to the park and for some ice cream.” She grinned. “They spoil him, but I guess that’s their job, right? Lord knows Grammie and Grandpa always did with us.”