“He treats you like his girlfriend. He’s falling for you, whether you acknowledge it or not. He knows you’re going through a lot, and he’s being patient right now, taking his time to not scare you away. Eventually, it’s going to get old. He won’t stay around forever.”
“I can’t rush myself into something if I’m not ready.”
“You’ll never start anything if you keep telling yourself that you’re not ready. Just jump in, with both feet.”
“I’m not like you, Shell.”
“You owe it to yourself to try to be happy.”
“The two most important people in my life left me – both parents made a conscious choice to abandon me. I’m not jumping to sign myself up for another loss.”
She stood. “Forgive me for saying this, but you need to hear it: maybe you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. All you do is mope around with this woe-is-me attitude. Believe me – I know more than anyone how awful things in your life have been. But when do you move on from them? When do you leave the past in the past instead of dragging it around everywhere with you? In case you haven’t noticed, your life isn’t shitty anymore! You’re not stuck taking care of a mentally ill parent anymore. I know you miss him, and I do, too. But he was gone long before he died. Nothing can change what has happened – you sitting here alone won’t change it. At least he isn’t in pain anymore, and at least you can live your life without coming home every night to guilt and sorrow.”
Tears stung my eyes. “I know I can’t change anything. I tried as hard as I could to help him, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough to make either of my parents stay.”
“Stop telling yourself that you aren’t enough. Stop telling yourself that you don’t deserve anything. You could have died in that car when you crashed. Someone rescued you. Someone gave you a second chance at your life. You are free now. So, your mother, wherever she is, can go screw herself! Take the good memories of your father and keep them in your heart forever. But stop feeling sorry for yourself, because you are free!” She was crying as she screamed the truth at me.
The impact of her words hit me like a wave, the kind that stuns you and knocks you off of your feet. It sounded insensitive – almost callous – to tell someone that she was free of her burdensome father now that he was dead. But I understood what it truly meant. Though I was heartbroken that he was gone, it was even more heartbreaking to watch him die inside while he was still alive. Shelly endured everything I had gone through in my life, and she knew better than anyone how it felt. Only she could say this to me.
I sobbed as I finally allowed myself to consciously admit that it was time to let go of it all – that it was relieving to no longer have the responsibility of a caretaker.
“You know I’m right. All the guilt is weighing you down, like an anchor. You need to let that go. You’re going to drown if you don’t.”
“Who feels glad that her parent is dead? I failed him. I tried to make him better, but I failed.”
“You did not fail him. It was not your job to make him better. Nobody could make him better. He was sick. You’re not glad that he’s dead. You’re relieved that you don’t have to go through that torture anymore. It’s a normal reaction. People go through this all the time with sick parents. This is how you embrace your freedom. This is how you begin to climb out of your depression. This is how you can finally live the life you have always wanted.”
I knew she was right. There was nothing I could do to help my father, and I had tried everything. I had given up important years of my life, devoted to trying to make him happy and sane. It was too big for me. Sometimes, you can’t help the people you love. It wasn’t me who wasn’t enough. Sometimes, love isn’t enough.
“And you’re forgetting one very important detail about that day at the Grand Canyon,” she continued. “Don’t you remember how you got around the side of that rock?”
I nodded. “You.”
“Me. I got you through it. I always will.”
She sat with me as I cried. As much as I hated crying, it felt like a weight was being lifted off of my entire being. They say admitting something is the first step to recovering from an addiction. Guilt is as strong an addiction as any; she forces your mind to become her handmaiden, creating thoughts and emotions that validate and perpetuate her. I felt guilt for my mother leaving; I felt guilt for not being able to fix my father’s problems; I felt guilt for driving drunk; I felt guilt for destroying the car my father and I had built together; I felt guilt for feeling sadness. One thing lead to the next, and soon there were bridges connecting all thoughts and emotions, leading them back to the fortress of guilt. I had my time to wallow in it, but now it had begun to fill up my lungs and I was drowning in it. I could let myself sink, tied to the sandbags of depression, being dragged further and further down into to the depths. But Shelly had just handed me the knife, and all I had to do was cut myself free. I could fight my way to the surface.
I cried until the tears ran dry. Shelly eventually passed out next to me, and two hours later, I was awakening from a nap, too. Quietly, I tiptoed to the bathroom and closed the door. My eyes were red and puffy as I faced myself in the mirror. I tore everything off, let down my hair, and stepped into the shower. I let the cool water beat down onto my face while I sat at the bottom of the shower.
Chase flashed through my mind. He, too, would experience the way it feels to live a grief-stricken life. He will bear witness to the deterioration of his father, as well as carry the grief of his mother, and his family. I imagined what he would be like, and it broke my heart. I would not want him to give into the sadness and despair. I would not want him to be devoid of happiness and love. So, if I did not want that for him, why did I accept that fate for myself? Why did I think I was undeserving of anything good? Why could I take care of others so easily, but refuse to even try to care for myself? Questions swarmed my mind throughout my shower. When I turned off the water and stepped out onto the bathmat, a noise startled me out of my thoughts. I wrapped the towel around my body, and walked down the hallway as my hair dripped behind me.
“Dude, we totally passed out,” I called to Shelly. “I can’t remember the last time I cried like that.” When I reached the living room, I let out a shriek. “What the hell are you doing in here?!”
Chase, who was sitting on my couch – not Shelly – jumped up. “I’m sorry! Shelly let me in when she was leaving.”
I tightened the bath towel around me, clutching it to my body. “You can’t just come in here while I’m in the shower!”
“I didn’t know you were in the shower until I was already inside.”
“Turn around! Get out of here!”
He walked slowly with a smirk. “You’re all covered. There’s nothing to see.”
“Just go! And stop smiling!”
His smirk turned into a grin. “I’m sorry. I came to see if you needed anything.”
“And you couldn’t have sent that in a text?” I began pushing him towards the door.
He spun around to face me. “I mean, I already saw you. You might as well let me stay at this point.”
“You are so–”
“Charming? Handsome? Wonderful?”
“More like aggravating.” I stormed back down the hallway and locked the bedroom door behind me.
Chapter Nine: Safe in My Castle
“Merry!” squealed the tiny blonde human behind the Brooks’ giant door.
“Hi, pretty girl!” I wrapped my arm around her.
Chase trotted down the spiral stairs. “Good morning, sunshine.”
“Where are you going?” Khloe asked.
“To work.” He kissed the top of her head. “See ya later, squirt.”
“Oh.” Her shoulders slumped. “I thought Merry was staying.”
“You have to go to school. But what do you say we go to dinner later?”
“With Merry?”
They both looked at me.
“Sure. I’ll
come.”
Khloe jumped up and down excitedly. “Have a good day at work! See you later!”
Chase closed the door behind us as we walked out to his car.
“So, are you still mad at me?”
“For breaking into my apartment?”
“I didn’t break in. Shelly let me in. And I didn’t know you were in the shower.”
“Yeah, yeah. A likely story.”
Chase sat back in his seat and smiled. “Last day with your sling.”
I sighed. “I know. Too bad I don’t have a car to drive now.”
“I’m sorry.” He patted his steering wheel. “You can borrow mine any time you want.”
“Really?”
“Of course. Why not?”
“I didn’t think you allowed anyone to drive it.”
“I don’t allow just anyone to drive it.”
“I just miss it. Driving was always an escape for me. After my mom left, I would wait until my dad was asleep, and I would get in my car and go.”
“Where would you go?”
“Anywhere. Nowhere. There is something so exhilarating about driving in the dark, without anyone on the road, completely aimless. It’s like my endorphins would kick in, and could override any pain or sadness I was experiencing.”
“That’s how I feel when I’m on stage.”
As we pulled up to the shop, I noticed it was open already. “How is it open if your parents are at home?”
Chase sighed. “Tanner has been opening early to get a head start on things. My dad has been going to a lot of doctor’s appointments lately. Tanner hasn’t been dealing well with everything. I think he comes here just to keep his mind busy.”
“And how are you dealing with everything?”
He shut the engine and we sat in the parking lot for a few minutes. His eyebrows pushed together, as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know, honestly. I try not to think about it, but my mind keeps arriving at exactly that one thing I don’t want to think about.” He looked up at me. “I’m glad you’ll be here working with me.”
“Me, too.”
Inside, Tanner was working under a car with his headphones on. I wondered how long he had been here.
Chase walked me over to a car that was already up on the lift. “My dad left a list of cars that need their brakes done. Brake pads are over here. All the tools you’ll need are here.”
I nodded as he pointed. “What do I work on when I’m finished with these?”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Tanner called from where he was working. “Just focus on the list.”
Chase opened his mouth to respond, but I held my hand up to stop him. I walked over to where Tanner was now standing. “I just wanted to know what else I should be doing. This way, I don’t have to keep bothering you every five minutes, asking what I should do next. You guys need help, and I’m here to do that. Simple.”
“Get through the list first, and we’ll see how much of a help you are.” He abruptly sat and rolled back under the car.
I looked at Chase, who was clenching his jaw from where he stood, and overdramatically rolled my eyes. His mouth slowly turned up into a smile.
“Get to work,” I growled as I swiped the list out of his hands.
His smile turned into a grin as he walked away.
It felt good to be busy working in a garage again – too good to let anything else bother me. It passed the time and kept my mind occupied. I felt productive. Everything else in the world was shut out by the sounds of air compressors and metal clanking.
It was also thoroughly enjoyable watching Chase work. The focused expression on his face was incredibly sexy, while the muscles in his arms stretched and pulled with every twist and jerk. I had to face the opposite direction after I felt the schoolgirl smile plastered on my face. I hoped Tanner did not notice.
By the end of the day, I had completed the list of relatively small jobs Tim had left. I also did several oil changes and tune ups. Every now and again, I noticed Tanner sneaking a peek at me. He said nothing each time, and I was glad. The less we talked, the better. I did not like seeing the brothers at odds, and definitely did not want to upset Tanner any more than he already was.
At five o’clock, Chase took out his keys after cleaning up his area. “You ready?”
I nodded. “Just need to put these away. You go. I’ll be out there in a minute.”
He glanced at Tanner before walking into the front office.
I put all of the tools back in their respective drawers, and grabbed my purse.
Tanner looked up as I walked over to him. He took out one of his earbuds. “You did good work today.”
His compliment took me by surprise, though I would not let him see it. “We’re taking Khloe to dinner. You should come.”
He shook his head, and looked down at his hands. “Nah.”
I took a deep breath and spoke gently. “Isolating yourself from your family will only make it worse.”
He looked up again, this time with fire in his eyes. “Your dad dies and you’re a shrink now?”
I took the bullet. I expected it. “Yeah, but lucky for you this first consultation is free.”
“Well, I don’t need advice from anyone. Especially not you.”
“You’re right. You don’t need advice. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you should do, or how you should feel. If you’re angry, feel angry. If you’re sad, feel sad. Scream, cry, throw things – do whatever you need to do to get it out. But don’t do it alone. Your family needs you, and you need them. Just because your dad is dying doesn’t mean you get to act like a dick. The rest of your family is still alive. They’re going through the same thing you are – they don’t deserve your bitterness and anger. It’s not their fault. They’re all suffering right along with you. Your mom and dad, most of all. Imagine how your mom feels, having to watch her children grieve the loss of their parent. And your dad – he knows he’s leaving his family behind, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. You need to cherish these last moments with each other, and stop wasting your time taking your anger out on the wrong people. You can make your comments at me, I don’t care. Life sucks sometimes, I know. It fucks us all in different ways. But you and your brother should be picking up the pieces together. Don’t do this alone – and don’t make him go through this alone, either.”
I watched as he forced the welling tears to remain behind his lids that were about to brim over – something I was very familiar with. We stood there in silence, until I accepted the fact that silence was all there would be at this point.
“Want us to bring you back anything?” I tried one final attempt.
“No thanks.” He put his earbud back in and slid under the car.
“What took you so long?” Chase asked when I finally sat in the passenger seat next to him.
“I just wanted to clean my area. I’ve only got one arm, you know.”
“You didn’t let that stop you today. You even left Tanner speechless. He’s never speechless.”
“Cut him some slack. He’s going through a lot right now.”
“We’re all going through a lot right now. That doesn’t give him the right to treat people badly.”
“I know. But everybody goes through things differently. Right now, he’s angry.”
“So you’re saying I should ignore his asshole comments?”
“You ignore most of mine, don’t you?”
His eyes softened.
“We take things out on the ones closest to us. It’s easy because we know they will always be there, and forgive us. He’s angry, so let him be angry.”
When he pulled into his driveway, Khloe came running outside before the car was in park. She ferociously waved with one hand, while holding her car seat in the other. I couldn’t help but chuckle.
Chase clipped her in behind me, and we were on our way.
“Where are we going?” she asked excitedly.
“Let’s do the diner,
” Chase suggested. “You can have breakfast for dinner, if you’d like.”
Her squeal sounded through the car. “Yay! Pancakes!”
“My favorite,” I cheered along with her.
“Merry, do you like puppies?”
“Yes, I love puppies. Do you?”
“Yup. Mommy said I can get a puppy one day.”
“What kind of puppy would you want?”
“The kind that gets really big when he grows up.” She held her hands out on either side of her to show me just how big she wants her puppy to be.
“Ooh, I love big dogs.”
“Why don’t you get one, too?” she inquired.
“I’m not ready to take care of a pet, yet. I can just about take care of a pet rock right now.”
“A pet rock?!” The car filled with her high-pitched giggle again. “That’s silly, Merry.”
“What will you name your puppy when you get him?”
“I don’t know. I can’t think of any names I like.” She sounded disappointed.
“That’s okay. You have to meet him first, to see his personality. Then the perfect name will come to you.”
“Then you can come over and play with him. We can take him on walks, and feed him, and teach him tricks.”
“And pick up his poop all over the yard,” Chase chimed in.
She scrunched up her nose. “Ew! I don’t want to touch his poop!”
“That can be Chase’s job. He can be the pooper scooper upper.”
Her laughter was a beautiful sound.
“She thinks you’re hysterical.” Chase was grinning from ear to ear, watching her in the rearview mirror.
When we got out of the car, Khloe held my hand as we walked in the parking lot. Inside, she let go and followed the hostess to our table, skipping happily ahead of us. When we reached our booth, she pulled me in beside her. “Sit next to me, Merry!”
“I’ve been replaced.” Chase clutched his heart as he slumped over in the booth.
“They have the best apple pie here.” I pointed to the desserts on Khloe’s menu.
“Ooh, can we get apple pie, Chasey?” She bounced up and down excitedly.
“Yeah, Chasey-poo. Can we?” I teased.
Collision Page 9
