Collision

by Kristen Granata

  Guess I’m taking another cold shower, I thought to myself.

  Chapter Eighteen: The Sad Part

  “What did Brody get you?”

  “Well, it doesn’t compare to a car, but he gave me a beautiful necklace.”

  “That’s great, Shell. I can’t wait to see it.”

  “Are you guys coming for New Year’s or what? I need a head count.”

  “I don’t think so. It all depends on how Tim is doing.”

  “Do you think he will make it until then?”

  I sighed. “It’s not looking good. The doctor recommended Hospice.”

  “Yikes. That must be so terrible, just sitting there waiting for death.”

  “It is terrible. My heart is breaking for them.”

  “How are you holding up going through all of this? You lost your dad, and now you have to lose Chase’s dad.”

  “I’m trying to be strong for Chase. He’s going to need it.”

  “You can’t be strong for everyone, Xena. Don’t bury it inside. You’re allowed to cry and feel sad about it, too.”

  “I know.”

  “Chase won’t feel like celebrating,” Shelly admitted.

  “No. I’m sorry. I know you were hoping we’d be there for the party.”

  “It’s okay. I get it.”

  “There will be plenty of parties in the future. Don’t you worry.”

  “I know, I know.”

  “Okay. Let me go see where he is. He was supposed to be over here by now. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Bye.”

  Christmas was over as quickly as it had arrived. Though it was the first Christmas without my father, I spent my first Christmas with a new family. The Brooks’ house was filled with laughter and love. I felt sad, but focused my energy on enjoying the moment for them. If they could ignore the dark skies ahead, awaiting them beyond the holiday, then I could forget about my own storm that was behind me.

  I looked at my phone. It was twenty minutes past the time Chase said he would be over. I peeked out the kitchen window to see who was home in the house below me. My car was the only one sitting out front. I slipped into my sneakers, and swung my jacket around my shoulders as I trotted down my stairs. Strangely, their door wasn’t fully closed when I reached the front of the Brooks’ house. I pushed it open and stepped inside.

  “Hello? Your front door was open.” I did not hear high-pitch squeals from Khloe; I did not hear the television; I did not hear anything. I searched the kitchen and dining room. Nothing. I climbed the stairs by twos. All of the bedroom doors were open, but no one was inside. Still, there was not a sound. I went back downstairs, as a sinking feeling swept over me.

  There was no note. No explanation. None was needed. I knew what this meant. I ran out the door, and down the driveway. I swung myself into the driver’s seat of my car and started the engine.

  In what felt like seconds, I was running through the Emergency Room doors. I saw Tanner – the dark-haired boy with broken eyes sitting in a chair.

  When his eyes rose up to meet mine, I did not have to ask. I did not say a word. I knelt on the floor in front of him, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and he buried his face in my sweatshirt. I held him as he sobbed. Tim was gone.

  He pulled away, reaching into his pocket to for his vibrating phone. “Yeah. She’s here.” He shoved the phone back into his pocket, and wiped his eyes quickly with his hands. “Mom is coming down with Khloe.”

  I felt the knot twist deeper into my stomach. I sat on the edge of the seat next to him, our eyes fixed on the double doors ahead. I didn’t know what to expect, from either of them. I wondered how Chase was holding up.

  Beverly emerged, carrying Khloe in her arms. “Thank you for coming,” she said as she approached.

  Khloe turned her head to see me. Her big eyes were red as she reached her arms out for me.

  I held her tight, wishing I could absorb her pain into my own body. I was used to it. I could take it. She didn’t have to go through this.

  “Merry,” she whispered with her head on my shoulders. “My daddy went to heaven, like yours did.”

  “I am so sorry, angel girl.”

  “Do you think he will see your dad? Do you think he knows what he looks like?”

  I smiled as the tears spilled down my cheeks into her hair. “I think he will see my dad up there. I think they’ll be good friends.”

  “I do, too.” She sighed.

  Beverly touched my arm. “Do you mind taking her for a little while? She shouldn’t have to stay here for this part.” One tear escaped her eye, which she swiftly swatted away. “I don’t know who else to ask.”

  “Of course I will stay with her.” I covered her hand with mine. “I will do anything you need me to do. Just say the word.”

  “Thank you. You can take the car seat out of my car.” She kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry to bother you.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry. I’m glad I can be here to help.”

  Of all the times I wished I had died in the car accident, I suddenly found myself grateful to be here in this moment. Everything happens for a reason, Chase would say. I wanted to ask how he was doing, but I didn’t. I knew I would see him eventually, but it killed me to drive away knowing he was mourning inside.

  I watched as Beverly put her arm around Tanner, whispering into his ear. He shook his head at first, but reluctantly followed his mother back through the hospital doors. I carried Khloe out to the parking lot, and buckled her in her car seat.

  When we got back to the house, I carried a sleeping Khloe up to my apartment. I laid her on my bed, and covered her with the blankets. Out in the living room, I paced, clutching my phone. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to console him, though I knew well enough that there was nothing I could do. So I cleaned.

  After an hour had passed, I heard my bedroom door crack open.

  “Merry?”

  I met Khloe in the hallway. “How did you sleep?”

  She hugged my leg. “Your bed is so cozy.”

  I smiled and lowered myself to her eye-level. “How are you feeling?”

  “Hungry. Do you have any snacks?”

  “How about some pancakes? I can whip up a quick batch for you, if you’re interested.”

  Her eyes widened. “I’m interested!”

  I lifted her up and carried her to the kitchen counter, where I sat her upon. “Would you like to help?”

  She nodded feverishly.

  We began cracking eggs into the mixing bowl.

  “Where do you go when you die?” Khloe’s question broke into my thoughts. I wanted to keep conversation light, but I would not ignore her questions.

  “To Heaven.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Well, I don’t really know for sure. But that’s what everybody says happens.”

  “How do they know?”

  “I don’t think anybody really knows how it all works. The only people who know are the ones who are already there.”

  “I wonder what it’s like.”

  “Heaven?”

  “When you die.”

  I wished I had known what Beverly had already told Khloe about death. It was hard thinking of the right things to say on the spot.

  “Okay, now we need to give this a good mixing.” I handed her the whisk. “You can do the honors.”

  Her tiny hand wrapped around the handle, as I held the bowl in place. Her furrowed eyebrows told me our conversation was not over.

  “Why did your dad die?”

  I took a deep breath. “Uh… well… he was sick.”

  “Like my dad?”

  “He didn’t have cancer. He was a different kind of sick.”

  “Chase told me that your dad was sick in his brain.”

  I nodded in agreement. “He was.”

  “What happened to him when he died?”

  “Pancakes are ready for pouring! Now, be very careful not to touch this pan. It will get v
ery hot.”

  “Can I help you flip them?”

  “Of course.” I poured the first pancake onto the pan, and handed her the spatula. “We have to wait until we see little bubbles popping on the pancake. That’s how we know it’s time to flip it over.”

  “Do you feel pain when you die?”

  “I don’t think so. I don’t think you even realize you’re dying. I think it just happens. Like you’re falling asleep.”

  “Mommy said you almost died. In your car accident.”

  I nodded. “But someone saved me and brought me to the hospital.”

  “We brought daddy to the hospital. But nobody saved him.”

  I touched her rosy cheek. “Sometimes when you have cancer, you can’t be saved.”

  “Look! The bubbles are popping! Let’s flip it over!”

  I blinked back the tears that had welled up into my eyes. I guided the spatula while Khloe flipped the pancake onto the other side, squealing in delight.

  “I did it!”

  “Great job, babe! Want to set the table for us?”

  She nodded. “You let me do all the cool grown-up stuff. That’s why I love you so much.”

  I smiled and hugged her tightly before setting her down on the floor. “I love you so much. Here are the plates. Forks are in this drawer. Napkins are on the table.”

  I poured the next pancakes onto the pan, and pulled my phone out of my back pocket. No new text messages. I sighed, and set it on the counter.

  When we sat down to eat, there was a knock at the front door. We both jumped up to see who it was.

  “Tanner!” Khloe jumped into his arms. “We made pancakes! Do you want some?”

  My heart sank.

  “Nah. I’m not hungry.”

  “Are you guys all back?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Mom said to come get Khloe.” His eyes did not look at me when he spoke.

  “We were just about to eat. I can bring her over when she’s done, if that’s okay?”

  “Sure.” He set Khloe down in front of me. “See you soon, squirt.”

  Khloe ran back inside.

  “Tanner?” I called to him as he trotted down the stairs. “Is Chase home, too?”

  “He said he was taking a nap.”

  I nodded as I watched him disappear around the front of the house.

  “Hurry up, Merry! Your pancakes are getting cold.”

  I closed the door and returned to the table. Again, I checked my phone. No new messages.

  We finished eating in silence. I was grateful to not have to answer any more questions about death.

  “Can I help you wash the dishes?” Khloe asked as we cleaned off the table.

  “I’ll do them later. Thanks for offering, though. You have such great manners.”

  She smiled so big, I could see every tooth in her mouth. Her smile was contagious, and I felt my cheeks pushing up, too.

  “Let’s get you home.”

  She held my hand with her tiny human fingers as we walked up to the front door of her house. She hesitated before reaching her hand out to the doorknob.

  “Will daddy be home?” Her wide eyes blinked up at me.

  I knelt down in front of her. “No, babe. He stayed at the hospital.”

  “When will I see him again?”

  My heart shattered. “Probably in a few days, at the funeral.”

  She nodded, her eyebrows furrowed again.

  “We don’t have to go inside yet if you’re not ready. You tell me what you want to do.”

  She squared her shoulders, and turned to face the door. “I’m ready.”

  I pushed open the door and we stepped inside, together.

  “Is that you, my Kokomo?” Beverly appeared from the kitchen.

  Khloe ran to her and hugged her leg. “I helped Merry make pancakes!”

  “Wow. I bet they were delicious.”

  “They were. I flipped them and everything.”

  Beverly looked at me with a tired, grateful expression. “Thank you so much for watching her.”

  I waved my hand. “It was my pleasure. I can watch her any time you need me.”

  “Khlo, why don’t you go up to your room to play? I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

  “Bye, Merry!” She waved her tiny wave, and ran up the stairs.

  Beverly rubbed her eyes. “I really appreciate your help.”

  “I mean it – I will watch her any time. She had some questions. I wasn’t sure how to answer them.”

  She laughed. “I never know the right answers to her billions of questions, either.”

  I reached out and squeezed her arm. “Do you need me to do anything? I can cook, or clean. Do you need groceries?”

  Beverly shook her head. “No. You’ve done enough. Thank you, Merritt.” She looked at the stairs. “Chase is laying down. You can go up, if you’d like. I’m sure he would love to see you.”

  I paused before speaking. “No. Let him sleep. I’m sure he’ll call me later.”

  “Just give him some time. I think he’s going to take this the hardest.”

  I nodded in agreement. Tanner would bury it. Khloe was young and resilient. But Chase – he would go through every single emotion like someone trying to run through wet cement. “I wish there was something I could do.”

  Beverly raised her hand to my cheek. “Having you by his side is all he needs.”

  “And what about you? What do you need?”

  Her voice waivered as she answered. “It will take time.”

  I mustered up a smile before turning to leave. I closed the door behind me, and jogged up the stairs to my apartment. I knew I had to wait it out, and let Chase come to me when he felt ready. All I wanted to do was hold him while he slept.

  I sat on my couch and called Shelly.

  “I was just about to call you,” she answered.

  “Oh, yeah? What for?”

  “I’ve got some gift cards that are burning a hole in my wallet. Want to take a ride to the mall with me?”

  “No. I called to tell you that Tim… he passed away this morning.”

  “Oh, Merritt. I am so sorry. We were just talking about it this morning. How awful.”

  “I know.”

  “It’s good that he was able to make it through Christmas.”

  “Yeah.”

  “How is Chase doing?”

  “I don’t know, actually.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, his mom asked me to watch Khloe while they were at the hospital. I never saw him. I hung out with Khloe for a couple hours until they were back. Tanner came to get her.”

  “Tanner? You mean Chase didn’t come by when he got back?”

  “No. His mom said he was laying down.”

  Shelly was quiet for a moment. “He’s tired, and heart-broken. He just needs some time alone to process everything.”

  “I know. I just wish I could be there for him. It sucks sitting here, waiting.”

  “You know, you do have another option.”

  “Like what?”

  “You pushed everyone away when you lost your dad. Who was the only person you let near you, besides me?”

  “Chase didn’t exactly give me a choice.”

  “Right.”

  I sat quietly, remembering all the times Chase showed up with food, and insisted on driving me places.

  “Don’t let him isolate himself. That will only make things worse. Go over there and take care of him.”

  “Even if he doesn’t want me there?”

  “If he listened to you every time you told him to go away, you wouldn’t be where you are right now.”

  “You’re right.”

  “I always am! Now, go!”

  “Thanks, Shell.”

  “Oh! I have a candy striper costume, if you want to borrow it. That would definitely help him out of his funk.”

  “I don’t really think that would go over too well, with him living with his mother and four-year old sister.”
/>   “Oh, yeah. Forgot about that part.”

  “Bye, Shell.”

  I sat on my couch, unsure. I thought about all the casseroles, pies, and fruit baskets people sent me the first few days following my father’s death; I thought about all the arrangements I had to make for his funeral, and the phone calls to let people know about his service; I thought about Beverly, knowing all too well that she would not ask her sons for help. I began making a mental list of all the things that needed to be done, and before I could talk myself out of it, I was out the door.

  Chapter Nineteen: My Turn

  I rang the bell with my elbow, both hands full.

  “Merritt, what is all this?”

  “These bags need to be refrigerated. Careful, this is the one that has the eggs.” I ran back out to my car to grab the remaining bags.

  Beverly and Khloe were standing in the doorway of their house.

  “Merry brought pizza!” Khloe exclaimed as I walked back up their driveway.

  Tanner appeared in the entryway, ready to take the box out of my hands. “Sweet. I’m starving.”

  “Merritt,” Beverly followed me into the kitchen. “You didn’t have to do all of this. This is too much.”

  Without stopping, I began loading the groceries onto the island in the middle of her kitchen. “Don’t worry about it. It was nothing.”

  “This is not nothing. What was the total? I will give you the money for everything.”

  “I refuse to take your money. Sit and have a slice with your kids. I bet you haven’t eaten anything all day.”

  “It does smell good.” She glanced at Khloe and Tanner in the dining room.

  “After you’re done, I have all the numbers we need to start making the arrangements. The place that did my father’s service was very reasonably priced – well, you were there, you saw it. I can call, and you can call any of your family members and friends that need to be notified once we have the dates and times. Divide and conquer, and we’ll have it all done in no time.”

  Beverly gently took the gallon of milk out of my hands, and placed it down on the island beside us. Silent tears were streaming down her cheeks, as she pulled me into her embrace. I knew she would not want her kids to know that she was crying, so I said nothing.