Chapter 11
Paradox Lost
The neat rows of data and statistics on my computer monitor blurred as my mind wandered. Normally, I found that working on my organized, sterile, and logical reports was a great way to clear my head and allow my subconscious to freely roam through our more complicated matters, but at that moment, I was too distracted. Not long ago, I’d stubbornly told the Creator that cycling was out of the question, but lately I couldn’t help but think that after nearly a century of Blackbird’s special brand of crazy, retirement might be nice. Of course, that wouldn’t solve any of our problems and I wasn’t selfish enough to leave everyone else in the lurch like that, but still, it was nice to think about a pleasantly oblivious life as one insignificant cog in the Cycle of Order.
Aside from the pressing matters with Jem and the djinn, what was weighing most on my mind was the fact that Desmond and Donna had gone off to try and repair the crack in the barrier between Chaos and Order on their own. It wasn’t until Donna sent me a text saying that the deed was done and she was bringing me lunch that I was able to breathe easy. Twenty minutes later, the heavenly smell of spicy meat announced Donna’s arrival.
“Burrito delivery!”
“I’m glad to see you here in one piece,” I said, allowing my smile to take the gravity out of my words, but I still did a covert scan to make sure she wasn’t under Discordant influence.
“Eh, it was easy. Too easy” she said, pantomiming an old west style shootout. “But Desmond kind of freaked out a bit when dear old dad showed up.”
“You saw him?” I asked. Donna could act casual all she wanted. The fact that her ‘father’ still tried to communicate with her was disturbing and worrisome.
“Oh not you too!” She rolled her eyes. “Come on, Seth! You know I can take care of myself.”
“I never said you couldn’t,” I reminded her as I grabbed my jacket. “Where to?”
“The park,” she said with a grin. “I’m going to take full advantage of this sunlight before I forget what it is.”
I had to admit, it was a nice day, and I was grateful for the chance to leave my office for a little while. We found a table that hadn’t been too terribly vandalized and sat.
“Okay, what is going on?” I asked, noticing that Donna wasn’t eating. Something had been bothering her. That much was obvious when she offered to buy me lunch.
“It’s kind of…” She sighed and hid her face, which was a shade of red not typical for her. “This is going to sound stupid, but… Am I attractive?”
The chunk of meat and tortilla that I’d just bitten off nearly went down the wrong pipe. Of all the questions Donna could have asked, that was not one I was expecting.
“Uh… Of course you’re attractive…” I stammered once I ensured I wouldn’t need the Heimlich maneuver.
“Like, how attractive? Am I cute or more of a sexy redhead stereotype? Do I come across as too desperate or too standoffish?”
“Um, Donna,” I began, knowing my face was probably now a deeper shade of red than hers had been. “Considering that I was there when you were born and despite our seemingly similar age, I consider you to be like a daughter to me, so I might not be the best person to answer that.”
“Ew, okay, gross. Good point. Still. Is there something wrong with me?”
I set aside my lunch as a safety precaution. “What is this really about?”
She didn’t say anything for quite some time. Instead, she stared out at over the river. When she turned back to me, her cheeks were red and she looked uncomfortable.
“It’s… It’s kind of stupid… Okay it’s super stupid,” she said at last. “You know all those awful comments Howie’s been making about Betty to get a rise out of Bogie?”
“Ah,” I said, thinking I knew where she was going with that. Howie’s behavior around women could be described as crass on the best of days. “Ignore anything he says, Donna. Howie’s catcalls are in no way a reflection of how others see you.”
“No, that’s just it!” she blurted. “He doesn’t catcall me!”
“I beg your pardon? You want to be catcalled?” That was a twist I hadn’t expected.
“Well, no. I mean, it’s really skeezy and not at all attractive, but it still makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. It’s not like he’s picky either. Betty, Louise, random women at the bar… He’s made comments at mom, for heaven’s sake!”
“I… Um… Y-You know…” I was truly at a loss for words. “Maybe he respects you.”
“Or maybe there’s something wrong with me,” she muttered.
“Donna, seriously,” I sighed. There was outside my comfort zone and then there was this. Whatever this was, it did not exist on the same spiritual plane as my comfort zone. “This is not the strong woman I know. Are you seriously trying to tell me that you’re judging your self-worth based on the unwanted attention of an unsavory demon who isn’t known for his respectful treatment of women? Who are you and what did you do with my Donna?”
“I told you it was stupid,” she mumbled into her knees. “It’s just not easy when all of your friends are hot witches and guys tend to act like you don’t exist.”
“I’m not touching that one,” I said, knowing better. “Did you put Desmond on the spot like this or am I special?”
“No, it’s pretty obvious Desmond isn’t interested in anyone but…” she cut off with a strange expression. “uh… the woman he loved in his last life. But it was kind of funny when he thought I was accusing him of hitting on mom.”
“Well they do spend an awful lot of time together,” I said with a chuckle, glad for the shift from Donna’s love life. “At what point does that become dating?”
“Don’t ask me,” Donna snorted. “I haven’t been on a date since last summer and none of my relationships last more than a week.”
“Ah... well,” I said cautiously. So much for changing the subject. “Maybe you’re just… intimidating,” I started, but backpedaled when her eyes narrowed. “I mean in a good way! I… Look,” I stammered, realizing there was no way I was not going to say the wrong thing. “I find it hard to believe that you seriously came down here and bought me lunch just to make me tell you that you’re pretty.”
“Well, no. Of course I didn’t,” she said with a frown. “But the guy at Taco Tuesday’s was super distracted by one of his coworkers and it kind of upset me that I couldn’t even compete with a girl in a fast food uniform. Anyway,” she huffed and took a bite of her burrito. She chewed thoughtfully for a moment, oblivious to the smear of avocado that streaked her cheek. “It’s Louise,” she said at last. “I think she’s gone off the deep end.”
“More than usual?” I asked playfully, but sobered when I saw that Donna wasn’t laughing.
“No, I mean, really crazy. She’s kind of an overachiever, right?”
“Well, sure, that’s one way of putting it,” I agreed. Louise was nothing if not competitive, especially when it came to her career and organizing the coven.
“Yeah, the other way of putting it is she’s a crazed psychopath, but I love her, so I won’t say that,” Donna said with a wink. “Any who. I think letting her know what Eller said about her being the best person to lead the containment spell went to her head. She’s got it in her mind that she’s the only one who can get us out of the situation we’re in with the rift.”
“Well, yes, she mentioned something about logic a while back. To be honest,” I admitted, “I thought it was a little out there as well.”
“Yeah well, a little out there doesn’t begin to cover it.” She shook her head. “She’s barely slept all week. Any time she’s not at work or out helping dispatch the Discordant, she’s online… trolling!”
“She’s what?” Again, Donna had me confused.
“Trolling, Seth! On the internet. She’s hanging around the worst comment sections on the internet; YouTube, Yahoo, CNN! She’s picking anonymous fights she can’t win and it’s kind of messing with her head.”
“I don’t really understand,” I said. “What does picking fights online have to do with our djinn problem?”
“I have no idea. When I ask she just tells me she’s ‘in training.’ Whatever that means. I was hoping you would maybe stage an intervention.”
“I can certainly try…” I said, trailing off as a rather confusing text message from Desmond caught my eye. “Hang on a second,” I told Donna and opened the message. I had to read it a couple of times to fully understand that he was asking me to place a listing for a job fair on Saturday. When I asked for details, he said he emailed the copy and he would explain later, which didn’t bode well. Besides, it was already Thursday afternoon.
“I’ll see what I can do about Louise,” I said, putting down the phone.
Thankfully, the rest of my lunch break didn’t involve any more talk of Donna’s love life or Louise’s peculiar behavior, but we had to cut our picnic short when the sun decided we’d had enough of a reprieve. I said my goodbyes to Donna and hustled back to the office, making it into the building just as the first rain drops began to fall. Even though I still had nearly half my lunch break left, I went back to my own office. Admittedly, I was rather curious to see this email Desmond had sent.
“You have got to be kidding,” I muttered as I read the email and the attached ad copy. I had a feeling I knew where Desmond was going with this, but I wasn’t sure the idea was sound. Regardless, I forwarded the email to Jocelyn, our admin assistant, asking her to get the ad placed on the website as soon as she could. Not even thirty seconds later, I heard an unnatural shriek and Jocelyn was ringing my office.
“Is everything all right?” I asked in a slight panic.
“Oh my god! Seth! Is this real? Are we really getting a Big Royal Burger here?”
“Um, yes…” I said slowly. “Is there something wrong with that?”
“What?” she shrieked again and I had to pull the phone away from my ear as well as turn down my receptors as the wave of unbridled euphoria carried all the way from the lobby to my office. “This is the best news ever! The ad’s up. I’m going to email everyone I know now.”
“Huh,” I said as I hung up the phone and sat back. Maybe Desmond was on to something. I had to admit, ever since I first saw the commercial the cable company ran late at night, I’ve been curious to see if the burgers live up to the hype. Still, I was skeptical that a fast food restaurant was enough to distract the whole town from their problems.
* * *
“Am I losing my mind or did I seriously just see Desmond and Bogie down in the mall parking lot advertising the opening of a Big Royal Burger?”
It was Saturday afternoon and since Desmond and Nai were busy with the job fair, I decided to invite Louise over and make sure that she wasn’t, as Donna put it, going off the deep end. Though the half-crazed look she wore when she barged into the house wasn’t doing much to convince me otherwise.
“You saw correctly,” I said, adding, “and the dancing mascot would have been Nai, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that. The franchise was Bogie’s idea.”
“Bogie’s idea? Wait!” Her eyes narrowed. “This isn’t some kind of a trick is it?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused. “I mean sure, the idea is to trick the djinn into leaving because our wishes have already been fulfilled.”
“Dammit Seth, don’t play with my emotions like this,” Louise growled. “Are we getting a Big Royal Burger or not?”
“Oh,” I said, getting her meaning at last. “Yes. That part is true. The other guy out there with them is the franchise own-” I started to explain but Louise cut me off with a high-pitched squeal. I was beginning to get the impression that unnatural and jarring utterances were the only acceptable response to the news of our first Big Royal Burger.
“Oh my goddess! This is amazing!” she gasped. Her eyes were almost as big as Bogie’s. I hadn’t seen Louise this excited about anything since they added all of the episodes of Friends to Netflix. “I heard their secret menu has a vegetarian version of the Big Cheezy. Oh and I wonder if they’ll have the Colossal Tots! And the Cinna-Max mega buns! And… What?” She cut off with a slightly self-conscious look when she noticed my amusement.
“Huh? Nothing, Louise,” I said, stifling my laughter. “It’s just that I was skeptical of their plan working, but if everyone else is as excited as you are…”
“We’ll have a town full of fat chicks,” came Jem’s snide remark from the other room.
“That’s enough,” I snapped. I didn’t care if it was for his own good. I was getting sick of this version of Jem. “I don’t care whose personality you’re stuck with, that was just rude. I’m sorry,” I added as an apology to Louise.
“Don’t be,” she dismissed easily, adding with a conspiratorial wink, “You didn’t hear it from me, but magic really is the best diet ever. But what was this about a plan?” she asked, looking genuinely confused.
“Bogie and Nai are convinced that the excitement over the opening of a Big Royal Burger in Blackbird is enough to temporarily make everyone forget about their other dreams and desires. After the job fair they’re headed to the bowling alley to see if they can banish enough of the djinn to close the rift.”
“What?” Louise’s eyes went wide. “But if the rift is closed… I’ve got to get out there! Let me borrow your car. No, better yet, come with me!”
“Louise? What on earth are you talking about?”
“Think about it!” she shouted. “If they close the rift, Eller won’t be a paradox, meaning he won’t be able to stop the influx of djinn from coming through once the newness of Big Royal wears off.”
“Well yes,” I said slowly. “But we’re hoping that by that time, we won’t have such a large number coming through at once.”
“Seth, the holidays are coming in just a few short months. Days are going to be dark and nights are going to be long. I’m not sure even the holy grail of burger joints is going to be effective against the most depressing time of the year.”
“Noted,” I said with a sigh. Unfortunately, she had a point. “But what on earth do you think you can do?” I asked, remembering Donna’s warning. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps Louise was becoming unhinged.
“Just trust me, Seth!” she said, tugging me out of my chair to drag me out the door.
“Okay geez woman! I’m coming! Have you been working out?” I said, trying to release the death grip she had on my arm.
“Sorry,” she said and eased her grip. “I just don’t want us to be too late.”
“We’re going, we’re going,” I assured her. “But Jem’s coming with us.”
“Why?” he asked, not even looking up from his phone as we entered the kitchen.
“Number one, because if you’re going to act like Nai, you’re going to have to prove yourself trustworthy just like she did,” I said, throwing as much influence as I could without feeling too guilty toward the teen. “And number two, because if anything goes wrong, it’s your soul on the line. Would you rather deal with that on your own or be where those of us who might be able to help you are?”
“Fine,” he said with an obnoxious sigh, but he got up on his own.
Realizing that there may have been more to my words than just a mild threat, I sent a text over to Donna and Betty, asking the two of them to meet us at the bowling alley. I wasn’t going to take any chances.
Louise was out of the car and on her way into the bowling alley before I even had the car parked. Donna’s Buick was only a moment behind and as I was getting out of the car, she pulled up next to me.
“Do I need to call mom?” she asked with a nervous glance at the dilapidated structure. I was sure she could feel the magical output as easily as I could.
“I don’t think so,” I said, glancing back at Jem, who was still sulking in the back seat. “Do you mind bringing him in?” I asked. I didn’t have time to deal with teenage attitude and damage control for whatever it was Lo
uise was about to get up to. I barely waited for Donna’s reply of, “Will do,” before I took off running for the doors.
“Eller,” I said, slightly out of breath as I barged in on the scene. “I’m sorry. I tried to-”
“Can it, Seth. I’m tired of playing by rules that I had no hand in drafting. We’re going head to head, Eller. Control freak versus control freak.”
“I told you she was losing it,” Donna muttered as she walked in, followed by Betty, who I noticed had a pinch grip on Jem’s arm.
Both Bogie and Desmond looked over as if to ask if we knew what Louise was doing. The girls just shrugged and I slid around the side to get to the counter.
“What’s going on here?” I asked Desmond.
“I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s good news,” he said, looking a little uncomfortable. “Eller was just expressing some doubts about keeping up with the djinn population when Louise barged in and began spouting nonsense.”
“What do you mean, doubts?” I asked with a sinking feeling.
“I’m not sure,” he said with a grimace. “I’ll be honest I wasn’t following his logic either.” I was going to reply when their argument became even more heated and drowned out my voice.
“…based on a mathematical algorithm that’s been proven to be statistically-”
“Ugh! Really? What you’re calling math is nothing more than a patriarchal construct that has no bearing on the facts we are arguing and only serves to make you look like an arrogant man child and a bigoted ass!”
As Louise’s last absurd pronouncement hung in the air, Eller stared at her for what seemed like an eternity as his logical mind tried to wrap around what it was that she was trying to say. A quick glance around the room showed that he wasn’t the only one.
At long last, after much sputtering, gasping, and grunts of incredulousness at her audacity, he finally stubbed out his cigar, put down the trophy he held limply in his hand, and said, “I… But… What? Child, have you gone and lost what little mind you keep hidden under that mop?”
“Mop? Mop?” Louise’s face had turned a dangerous shade of red and I could swear there was murderous intent in her eyes. “I’ll have you know that this mop is the artistic vision of one of the world’s top stylists! At least I have hair, baldy,” Louise fired back, losing all composure at the insult. That she chose to address the slight on her appearance rather than intelligence came as a shock to no one. “Besides, if you’re as smart as you think you are, prove it! Prove me wrong.”
Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Page 49
