Once I was fully awake and somewhat rational, I realized that blasting the alarm clock with a destructive spell might have been a slight over reaction, but I still felt justified. All I wanted was a full night’s sleep, which was something I’d been denied for a while now. I also realized, as I looked at the damaged shoe in my hand, that I don’t own any four-inch heels and it might be in my best interest to avoid Louise for a few days.
I stumbled to the bathroom, avoiding the mirror. I didn’t need visual evidence to know that I looked like hell. I felt like hell and a quick sniff of the pits told me I smelled like hell, so skipping a shower was out of the question. While being a witch had its benefits, there were some things even a glamour couldn’t mask.
I wasn’t so in denial of who I was to think that my dreams were just dreams. No, the guy who kept me up all night was more than just a manifestation of my sexual frustrations. Well, my sexual frustration might have had something to do with it, but this guy was clearly an incubus and that was what made the whole situation even more mind bogglingly frustrating. An incubus has one purpose: to have mind-blowing dream sex with the intent to impregnate virgins with the next generation of hell spawn.
I’m not a virgin, but I am hell spawn.
I guess the fact that I haven’t had sex in five years technically makes me a born again virgin, but that doesn’t matter to the incubi. I had sex, which means I am unable to be impregnated by an incubus and that’s a good thing. As the thirteenth Nyx in my family line, my child would have been more than hell spawn. She would have been the living weapon that tipped the scales in favor of Chaos once and for all.
Of course, none of that changed the fact that I was indeed having frustratingly bland incubus dreams and I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t partially to blame. It all started with the letter. If I’d been smart, I would have taken it up to the church and had Harry throw it into the holy flame. But when it comes to my nearly nonexistent love life, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m anything but smart. I knew, as soon as I saw the blood red ink and smelled the overbearing, pheromone filled cologne on the gold leaf embossed pages, I was screwed. Rather, I wasn’t screwed and he knew it. And that was my problem.
He didn’t have a name. For that matter, he didn’t have a corporeal form. He was nothing more than a clever manifestation of everything I ever wanted. He was as perfect as he was unobtainable and he’d been haunting my dreams ever since the awkward disaster that was prom night.
At first, he was just on the edges of my consciousness, making sure that I was aware of his presence. As if there was any way I could not be aware of him! It’s hard to miss a hot naked man just chilling out in the corner, even when the rest of your dream consists of dancing hedgehogs and murderous clowns or whatever other whacked out garbage my brain threw at me. But a few good spells and herb combinations kept him from becoming anything other than a pleasant piece of scenery for the next couple of years.
But lately, he had been getting tougher to ignore and I knew that had as much to do with the weakening of the barrier between Chaos and here as it did my own romantic failures. My spells weren’t anywhere near as effective and I was starting to lose some sleep, but still, he wasn’t able to get to me, no matter how hard he tried. And boy howdy did he try. I’ll give him points for creativity.
But then I got the letter.
It was spelled and I knew it. I never should have opened it, but five years of no second dates has a way of playing havoc with the mind. As soon as I broke the seal and read the (admittedly awful) poetry, he was free and no amount of herbs under my pillow or coma inducing sleeping draughts could keep him out of my head. I expected the usual. If I was being honest, I was anticipating the usual. After all, I broke the spell. All the mind-blowing dream sex in the world couldn’t knock me up anymore.
But I wasn’t prepared for the never-ending frustration. I wasn’t expecting all of the “getting to know you” questions that typically make for an awkward first date. I wasn’t expecting the artful dodging of intimacy and I certainly wasn’t expecting my already miserable love life to go even further south since the whole fiasco started.
After a hot shower, I at least smelled better even if I didn’t feel or look anymore human. If I had been traveling, the airline would have charged me extra for the bags under my eyes. I was so pale and waxy that even my freckles looked sickly.
At least I still had one shot of my ginseng concoction left in the fridge, so I wouldn’t spend the whole day with a head full of cobwebs. A little tweaking and the bags under my eyes were gone and a healthy blush tinted my cheeks. Did I mention the perks of being a witch? If anyone were to look at me, they would have no idea that I was a haggard and sleep deprived hot mess.
Well, almost anyone.
“I see yous had a visitor again last night.”
“Drop it.”
I could lie to a lot of people, including myself, but unfortunately, my current ‘boss’ wasn’t one of them. Especially now. Bogie could see right through my glamour. I still wasn’t entirely sure how that worked. He was no longer a Discordant, but he was still a demon. It didn’t matter though. If anything, he was more up in my business than ever before and now, I couldn’t even use Desmond to threaten him anymore.
“Donna, listen to me. I know it ain’t none of my business and I sure don’t want the gory details, but I kept my trap shut for the last week outta courtesy. You and I both know this ain’t no simple matter of yous having some bad dreams.”
“I’m not having bad dreams, Bogie.”
“But you is having dreams,” he said pointedly. Like I said, it was pretty much impossible to lie to Bogie now. “Regardless of what is or isn’t happening, you gotta know this has somethin’ to do with that portal openin’ up under the old mill.”
“What are you talking about?”
“C’mon, Red, don’t play dumb.”
“Seriously, Bogie, I don’t know,” I said rolling my eyes. “I mean, yeah, the weakening of the barrier might have made it easier for a certain uninvited guest to crash my sleep party, but it’s pretty obvious to me what’s going on and it has nothing to do with the portal.”
“Oh yeah? So what is it you think is going on?”
“Really?” I rolled my eyes. “I was supposed to give birth to the devil child who was going to throw open the gates and let Chaos take over. I’m pretty sure the guy keeping me up all night is the baby daddy and no one gave him the memo.”
Bogie set down the box he was carrying with a grunt and wiped his brow.
“You don’t think that’s suspicious?”
“How should I know?” I said, raising my eyebrows in warning as Ricky, the driver of the delivery truck, came around the corner with another handcart full of boxes.
“Uh huh.” Bogie took the invoice from the driver and went to the office, leaving me to unload the rest of the order. I gave Ricky a small smile as I hauled another box away. Typically, he was good for a little flirtatious banter to get my day started, but apparently, he was in some sort of a mood and hadn’t said two words to me. He didn’t even return my smile. Instead, he just tapped his foot impatiently, like I was inconveniencing him or something. It took all of my willpower not to mutter a curse as he was leaving.
“Oh come on! You gotta be kiddin’ me!” Bogie yelled from up front. “Is that yo-yo still back there?”
“Who, Ricky?” I called back, grunting as I stacked the last box in the storeroom. “He just left. Why? What is it?”
“He forgot our Red Shirt order.”
“That sucks.” Red Shirt was our top selling draft beer and also happened to be Seth’s favorite. “Can’t you just use your new powers to refill the keg, Superman?” I taunted.
“I may be a super guy, but I ain’t no Jesus. Lemme go call and see if they can send dumb-dumb back.”
Two minutes later, Bogie came back out of the office looking smug.
“Ya know what? I’m kinda liking this good guy business. Alls I had to d
o was put a little extra oomph into my voice and not only is Ricky coming back with the booze, but we is gettin’ a discount off our bill this month.”
“Try not to go mad with the power,” I said with a shake of my head as I took stock of what bottles were in need of replacing. “And you’re dealing with Ricky when he comes back, not me.”
“What? I thought yous guys had a little somethin’ going on.”
“He’s having PMS or something,” I said dismissively, but Bogie pursed his lips and frowned at me.
“You wanna keep pretending this ain’t got nothin’ to do with that what keeps you up all night?”
“Drop it,” I growled and fought the urge to throw the empty bottle I’d just picked up at Bogie’s head.
“Okay, okay!” He said, throwing up his hands in surrender. “I ain’t sayin’ anything else, but Donna, you can fool a lot of folks with the bright eyed and bushy tailed glamour, but I ain’t most folks, ‘kay?”
“You sure ain’t,” I grumbled. “Speaking of glamours,” I added, giving him a derisive once over. “Why do you keep wearing that face? I mean you can be anyone you want and yet…” I pulled a face and gestured toward the mirror behind the bar. Harsh? Sure, but he was beginning to piss me off and I was feeling petty.
“What, this old thing? Truth be told, I ain’t lookin’ to make myself noticeable. Besidesways, that wouldn’t be fair to Betty now, would it?”
“Um, what?”
“Think about it,” he said, giving me a look. “Sure, I could make myself look like one of them Hollywood types, but what would be the point? Alls that would do is get the women worked up. I already got the best dame of the bunch, no offense. Why should she hafta put up with a bunch of women throwin’ themselves at me?”
“Okay, fair enough,” I said with a shrug. He had a point and Betty had a jealous streak a mile wide. “I just hope you don’t make her look at that face in private.”
“I’ll has you know, Betty prefers the real me, thank you very much,” he shot back, puffing himself up.
“Seriously?”
I’m not saying that Betty has always had discriminating tastes, but lesser demons aren’t known for being attractive and unattractive might just be the nicest way to describe Bogie’s natural appearance.
“Yes, seriously! She digs the horns. Gives her something to grab onto while I-”
“Okay, you know what? I’m sorry I asked,” I said, throwing up my hands and walking away. There were some things that even best friends and spiritual sisters should never know about each other.
As the bar filled up with the usual crowd of locals and students, my mood sank lower. Even in the low cut top I bought specifically to boost my tip income, I was barely rating a second glance. Not even the lecherous creeps were looking my way. Gross. If I was desperate enough to miss sexual harassment from the likes of old three-teeth Magee, I really couldn’t pretend that something wasn’t up. I may not have ever had much luck in the dating department, but never before had that been for lack of initial interest. I took a look in the mirror behind the bar, just in case my glamour had slipped and I was looking a little rough, but no, I still looked like me and if I could be immodest for a moment, I still looked damned fine.
I thought again about what Bogie said and shuddered. Of course, it was possible that the whole thing was a ploy to get me to open the portal, but how dumb did they think I was?
Okay yes, I opened the damned letter, but I did so with the knowledge that the incubus would only have access to my dreams and that he couldn’t impregnate me. Had I known that meant he wouldn’t even try, I might not have been so eager. I cringed. Even in my own head that sounded desperate. I mentally shook myself and focused on what I was supposed to be doing. Granted, that wasn’t terribly easy when what I was supposed to be doing was mindlessly pouring drinks.
But really, I was the one who helped Desmond do the spell to keep the damned portal closed. I saw his vision of what could have happened if we hadn’t fixed the djinn issue. The idea that anything, even dream sex, could make me open the portal was absurd.
Luckily, Seth and Desmond showed up on time and I became too busy looking for things out of the ordinary to worry about my own problems. At least those two didn’t treat me any differently. I chose to ignore the fact that this was because neither of them had been attracted to me in the first place. I was getting so sick of the cold shoulder from nearly everyone that I couldn’t wait for last call so I could go take out all of my aggressions on random Discordant who were dumb enough to get in my way.
* * *
“You know, you don’t have to do this.”
“Do what?”
I had just said goodnight to Bogie and tried not to notice Betty hanging out by the stairs to his apartment as I locked up the back door of the Five Penny when I found Seth waiting for me.
“Donna, you’re not fooling me. You’re completely exhausted. Go get some sleep. Desmond and Louise can handle the Discordant tonight.”
“I’m fine,” I informed him, shrugging off the hand he put on my shoulder.
“You know I feel that lie, right?”
“Okay, I’m not fine,” I admitted. Sometimes being friends with supernatural beings sucked. “But going home isn’t going to make anything better. I’d rather stomp pixies, if you don’t mind.”
He stepped back without saying anything for a moment, but I could tell that he was having a massive internal struggle over whether or not to voice his concerns.
“Oh come on, Seth,” I said and rolled my eyes. “You’re the one who has to get up and go to work in the morning, so go. I’ll be fine and if I’m not, you can yell at me later.”
“All right,” he said at last with a smile that at least held genuine concern. “But Donna, seriously, whatever it is, it isn’t worth getting that upset over. Not when you’ve got plenty of people to talk to.”
“I know,” I said and waited until he’d crossed the street and headed back toward the house the agents shared. Seth was just as bad of a liar as he accused me of being. I knew that as an Observer, he knew exactly what it was that was frustrating me, but he was either too polite, too embarrassed, or both to say anything. It was likely for the best. I’d made the mistake of bringing up my concerns a couple weeks back and nearly gave the guy an aneurysm.
By the time the sun started to come up, I was exhausted. There was no way in hell anyone or anything was going to stop me from getting the rest I deserved. Betty had already left for the bakery and I could hear Louise getting ready to leave, so I would soon have the house to myself. I kicked off my boots and fell into bed. Of course, despite being dead on my feet, I still ended up with a visitor.
* * *
“Can’t stay away, can you?” Donna asked dryly, though all the resolve she’d had to stay impersonal was fast slipping away as he slid closer.
“Do you want me to stay away?” he asked with a playful glint in his eye.
“Of course not,” said Donna, nearly missing the playful glint because she wasn’t looking at his eyes. “But I’d like to know why you’re giving me some seriously mixed signals.”
“Whatever do you mean, love?”
Love?
Donna’s heart skipped a beat. He’d never used a pet name before. Typically, whenever she heard someone using pet names, she gagged, but she found (much to her personal embarrassment) she was rather okay with it in this instance.
“Well, you’re naked,” she said, stating the obvious.
“We’re not given a wardrobe budget,” he explained with a wink. “The boss seems to think that it is unnecessary in this line of work.”
“And what line of work is that?” Donna asked.
He let out a hearty chuckle as if he found the question silly.
“Siring our heirs, of course.”
“Right,” Donna said with a deep sigh of frustration. “Which you’re not even trying to do.”
“Well of course I am!” he boasted with no small amount of indi
gnation. “Why, I’ve already impregnated three virgins this evening!”
“Excuse me? Did you just say… you… What the what?”
Donna pushed herself into a sitting position and moved as far away from the naked man as the bed would allow.
“What’s the matter? I thought women liked men with a steady job?”
“Okay, that’s just downright wrong. If you’ve already had sex with three women tonight-”
“Five.”
“What?”
“Five women. I’ve had sex with five virgins this evening. I only managed to impregnate three of them. The boss isn’t going to like those numbers, but I’m afraid I was distracted.”
Donna felt her heart sink down into her toes before turning into lead.
“So, why are you even here?”
“I’m trying to get to know you better.”
“Why?”
“Why? Because you fascinate me, Donna. I’ve never met anyone quite like you.” He looked up at her with a dazzling smile that put toothpaste commercials to shame. “I’m smitten, if you must know.”
“You’re smitten?”
He nodded.
“With me?”
He nodded again.
“Yet you freely admit to having sex with everyone but me.”
“Not everyone, just virgins.”
“If that was meant to make me feel better, you failed.”
“Madonna Rose,” he said, sitting up so that he could cup her cheek in his hand. “Why, you’re jealous!”
“I am not,” she said, jerking away from his touch. “I just don’t get it.”
“Impregnating virgins is my job. I care no more for them than you do the patrons of your bar. You though. You are special. I choose to spend my time with you, even though you have rejected me once.”
“I what?”
“You denied me an heir.”
“You mean I had sex in order to stop you from knocking me up? Yeah, of course I did.”
Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Page 53
