“You sure about that?” I asked. “You forgetting how many folks you’ve crossed?”
“Ah kid,” he slapped me hard on the back and let out a big old belly laugh. “Don’t you worry about me. You know what they say, the enemy of my enemy is that much easier to bribe.”
I’d be a liar if I said I weren’t worried, but if there was anyone else in all of either realm who was better at weaseling his way outta sticky situations than Uncle Howie, I’d eat my hat.
“Well, come on then,” I said and picked up the blue bottle from the coffee table. “I got a rift to close.”
Returning to the Cycle weren’t much fun because we had to travel back through the bottle. If I were a more cynical man, I’d say that half the kicks and jabs in my direction weren’t as accidental as Great Uncle Howie would have me believe.
Though, I wasn’t expecting there to be a big kaboom. I also wasn’t expecting the disorientation that came with hovering in the air, but I didn’t have time to sort that out neither ‘cuz when I saw the bodies of everyone I knew sprawled out all over the floor, I remembered the pickle we was in and set about granting Jem’s wish.
In my current state, closing the rift weren’t difficult. With a little bit of focused magic I was able to erase all traces of the Truth. Unfortunately, erasing the Truth made yet another great kaboom and this time the trophy case shattered into a million pieces, taking out half the counter with it. I winced and hoped Eller had insurance on the joint. Of course, with everyone still out, I coulda just used a little abracadabra…
“Uhn…”
Before I could do anything, I heard someone stirring and turned around just as Jem sat up.
“The rift!”
“It’s closed. I closed it. Just relax,” I said, trying to calm the kid down. The last thing I needed was for everyone to come to before I could make everything right, but I forgot about the fact that my appearance was probably more than a little unsettling.
“Look, Jem it’s okay. I know what you’re thinking but it ain’t…”
But the kid weren’t hearing it. He had some notion that I’d made some noble sacrifice and there weren’t no getting him to quit his babbling long enough for an explanation. Before I even said one word on the subject, everyone else started coming to and kicking up a bigger fuss. Though to be honest, I was just as shocked as anyone else when Uncle Howie admitted he gave Jem his own personality back. Maybe there was hope for him after all.
“Look, just forget it, kid. I got enough to worry about at the moment without rumors going around that I’m getting soft. In fact, I really should be skedaddling…”
Or not. Still, it was getting a little thick. Too thick and it was time I set the record straight.
“Now hang on,” I said, raisin’ my voice to be heard over the rumblings of the folks who was just coming to. “Before we all go getting maudlin, there’s somethin’…”
But before I could have my say, there was a crash followed by the most unpleasant sound in the universe.
“How-waaaaaaaaaaaaaard!”
I recognized the eardrum-melting shriek of a banshee, but I didn’t recognize the woman hovering over Howie with murder in her eye. Of course, that might have been because she weren’t a banshee no more but a weird banshee-djinn combo. If I thought the shade of purple I was now wearing was unflattering, it had nothin’ on the pea soup green this broad wore.
“Well, it was great seeing you again, but that’s my cue,” Uncle Howie began, scuttling backwards on his hands like he was a crab, but he didn’t get very far before he was being strung up by his toes.
“Oh you aren’t going anywhere. At least, not anywhere pleasant,” the banshee-djinn screeched, bringing up memories from way back in my youth.
“Wait a minute,” I said, squinting through the pea soup. “Great Aunt Doris? Wow, it’s been…”
“Thirty-five years,” she hissed, but she weren’t talking to me. Great Aunt Doris was Uncle Howie’s wife back when I was knee high to a gremlin. “Thirty-five years ago, both my husband and my bank account mysteriously disappeared. Looks like I found one of them. Too bad it isn’t the one I missed!”
“Now, wait a minute, Dorie,” Uncle Howie stammered. “Let’s not jump to any conclusions! Um, how’ve you been? That shade of green really suits y…eurgh!”
“Can it, buster,” Aunt Doris shrieked. “Trickery and flattery didn’t work for you back then and it sure ain’t going to work for you now! Why you’re lucky Djanice talked me into bringing you back for a trial instead of singing you straight to Hell like you deserve!”
“Djanice!” All of the sudden he was glaring at me again. “Again you had to bring Djanice into this?”
“Hey, I already told you I don’t have a lot of djinn buddies and I needed someone to get a message to Mort!”
“Why you little…” Uncle Howie flailed against the binding Aunt Doris had on him. It was a good thing they held, otherwise I mighta been minus whatever limbs Uncle Howie could get his hands on.
“Don’t give me an excuse,” she threatened, taking a deep breath that didn’t bode well for any of us.
“So, hey! Aunt Doris!” I said, cutting her off before she could let loose with an aria that wouldn’t just shatter glass, but drive all of us to the brink of insanity. “Uh, I don’t know if anyone told you, but uh… Uncle Howie ain’t able to return to the realm and uh…”
She looked me up and down, noting my purple skin. I know it weren’t the best look on me but her green weren’t doing her complexion no favors neither. People in glass houses and all of that.
“Oh Hubie dear, look at you!” she said with that little clucking noise that all aunties seemed to make as she pinched my cheeks. “Don’t you worry none. I made double sure nothing will stand between me and every single penny of back alimony I’m owed, not even his banishment.”
“Oh, well in that case,” I said, picking up the trophy she’d used as a portal. “Need any help?”
“Come on Hubert! You can’t let her do this to me! I think I got a better chance for survival against the mafia,” Uncle Howie pleaded, but Aunt Doris cut him off.
“I don’t recall anyone giving you permission to speak.”
“You ain’t the boss of me, you crazy harpy!”
“That’s banshee, buster. You need a reminder?”
“Hey, ho! You guys gotta go!” I said, giving the portal trophy a shake for good measure. My ears was still ringing from Aunt Doris’ entrance. I was afraid if she let loose with another wail we was all gonna be deaf.
“I ain’t gonna forget this anytime too soon, Hubert,” Uncle Howie groused, but before I had a chance to reply, Aunt Doris was putting a whammy on him and stuffin’ his butt back through to the realm.
Sure, I felt a little bad, but I gave the guy a chance to throw in and he refused it. Still, there weren’t no doubt in my mind that eventually, I was gonna end up paying for what I did. After all, he would be the first to tell ya the only thing my Great Uncle Howie could hold better than his liquor was a grudge. But if I knew Great Aunt Doris, it was gonna be a long time before old Uncle Howie was in a position to do any retaliating.
I expected her to follow immediately, but instead, she scanned the wreckage that used to be a bowling alley until her eyes landed on Red.
“Donna?” she asked, pulling somethin’ out of her pocket and reading it. “Madonna Rose?”
“That’s me,” Donna said, looking more than a little shocked.
“I see.” Aunt Doris pursed her lips and gave Donna a once over before thrusting what looked like a sealed envelope in her direction. “Well, that certainly explains why I was asked to lower myself to the level of messenger.”
Donna turned a shade of white that made ghosts look tan. Now, to be fair, Great Aunt Doris had a way of putting the fear of choose-your-own-deity into folks wherever she went, but that weren’t the case here. No, what had Red quakin’ in her Converse was the gold envelope with her name on it.
“Th-
th-thanks,” Donna said, takin’ the letter and stuffing it quickly into her pocket. Still, I caught a gander at the blood red seal of the House of Fa Be’yoh. And I weren’t the only one. Desmond didn’t look too happy with the situation neither.
After pinching my cheek and making me promise to keep in touch (which I did with my fingers crossed behind my back), Aunt Doris followed Uncle Howie back through the portal and into the realm.
“Not too shabby, demon,” Eller said, shaking his head as he threw one heck of a double whammy on the trophy Uncle Howie and Aunt Doris disappeared into. Guess I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to take any chances. “Of course, you didn’t have to ruin my livelihood,” he added just loud enough for me to hear.
“Oh! Sorry! I meant to take care of that sooner. Stand back everyone,” I said and wiggled my fingers. Dust and debris started flying through the air as everything began fixing itself. When I was done, the place was as good as new. Actually, it was better than new, which was odd, ‘cuz alls I did was a quick reversal that should have put everything back in the same shabby condition it was in before the explosion. Instead, all the shabbiness was gone and the place looked like it had just gone through a renovation.
“Well, hello handsome,” I heard Louise murmur and had to do a double take.
“Okay, I know I ain’t that powerful.”
“No, you put everything back the way it was, alright.”
The man standing where Eller had been looked at least twenty years younger. The beer belly was gone and his stained undershirt was replaced with a clean, freshly pressed button up. He looked around and then down at himself and blushed.
“You was glamoured?”
“I had to keep folks away somehow,” he said with a shrug. “You know, I never was a big fan of bowling. Billiards, now, that’s a game.”
“I don’t suppose we can convince you to stick around, can we?” Seth asked with no small amount of worry in his voice. Understandable, that. After all, Eller was still an expert djinn trapper and Blackbird was still Blackbird.
“You know, now that I can venture forth into the world, bowling might grow on me,” he said with a wink and I saw Seth visibly relax. “In fact, I think I might go enjoy me a beer in town tonight. I hear tell there’s this bar that attracts all manner of odd characters. Perhaps I might even find the company of folks who are interested in intelligent conversation and spirited debate.”
With that last bit, he gave a pointed look at Louise who actually almost blushed before getting a grip on herself.
“Oh, I’ll give you a spirited debate,” she said with a suggestive wink. Outta the corner of my eye, I happened to catch Donna rolling her eyes and making a little gagging motion.
“So does this mean we get to go bowling or what?” Nai asked, lifting one of the balls off a nearby rack and testing its weight.
“Now hold up a minute,” Desmond said, cutting into everyone’s joy and giving me the hairy eyeball. “There’s still the not so small matter of you being a djinn and Jem’s soul being vulnerable.”
“No, see, that’s what I was trying to tell yous all before Aunt Doris showed up. Jem’s gonna be fine. I broke the contract.”
At that, Jem’s eyes widened. “That’s right! I didn’t ask you to fix the damage. You fulfilled the contract on your own!”
“I fulfilled….what?” I stared at the kid, temporarily confused until I figured out what he was going on about and laughed. “Ah, geez, you found that old rumor?”
“Rumor?” Seth asked.
“Yeah, a couple years ago someone came up with the idea that if a djinn did somethin’ on their own without being asked then they would fulfill their contract and the soul they was bonded to would walk free.”
“Except that a djinn can’t do anything of their own accord,” Desmond said, eyeballing me all suspicious-like. “And breaking a glamour is beyond the skill set of a lesser demon.”
“All right, All right. I was kinda hoping we could avoid the dramatic production,” I said, dropping my own glamour and settling my feet back on the ground. “But here we go.”
“Oh my,” Seth said as he felt what the others couldn’t. Well, the others minus Nai, who nearly dropped the bowling ball she was fussing with as she gasped.
“He’s not a demon anymore!”
“Then what is he?” Desmond asked as he attempted to throw a binding spell on me.
“Sorry Des,” I said, deflecting the spell with a little more flare than was absolutely necessary, “but you and I answer to the same higher power now.”
It took a moment for him to pick his jaw up off the floor after I dropped that doozey on him.
“Okay for real, can we go bowling or not?”
Nai’s huffy question hung in the air for a moment before breaking the spell my sudden predicament had over the place.
“Sure, why not?” Eller shrugged, going behind the counter to flip the power switch on the lanes. “Free bowling for everyone.”
I watched as everyone made their way to the lanes or over to the wall to pick out their bowling ball. Well, all but one of ‘em. Donna hung back, staring at the letter she absently twirled in her hands.
“So, you want to team up or go head to head?” Betty asked.
“Depends. Wanna make a few bets on the outcome?”
“Mister,” she said, grabbing the front of my shirt and planting a big ol’ wet one on my lips. “I like the way you think.”
“Go pick us out a lane,” I said, cutting my glance over at Donna. As much as I wanted to let loose and start enjoying the true benefits of my newfound freedom, I couldn’t ignore the seal on that letter. “I’ll be right there.”
As soon as she took off, I turned back to Red and cleared my throat.
“So, Madonna eh?” I started, but she cut me off with a withering glare.
“Don’t you start too,” she warned.
“Hey, I weren’t gonna say nothin’!” I protested. “I just… Ya gotta admit, that’s kind of a funny name. You know… what with you being…”
“I know,” she huffed. “Mom thought…” she trailed off with a sigh.
“Look, I don’t…” I began, but she cut me off.
“You know what? It doesn’t matter because I broke the curse,” she snapped, but as she did, she stifled a yawn that said otherwise. “Rather, I broke that curse,” she corrected with a sour look.
“Uh huh,” I said, giving her a look that said I weren’t totally convinced. “So uh… This letter…”
“Ain’t none of your business,” she sniffed and stuffed it back into her pocket. “Besides. We have other matters that are far more pressing than my love life, or lack thereof,” she said with a sigh.
“You’re talking about the possibility of a war with the realm?”
“Well of course, there’s that too.”
“Wait. What could possibly be a bigger concern than impending doom?” I asked.
“Well,” she said with a glance up at the television behind the counter, where the now too familiar commercial showed a thick, juicy, and utterly fake burger. “Just how long until Big Royal Burger opens?”
Rise of the Discordant
Book #4
Friends without Benefits
Chapter 1
Sleepless in Blackbird
Donna felt the mattress pitch sideways and turned a lazy smile to the impossibly hot man who slid gracefully into bed with her.
“You’re back.”
She smiled widely, glad that this was a dream where she didn’t have to worry about how atrocious her breath might smell or how much of a haystack her hair was. She didn’t need a mirror to tell her that this version of Donna was at the top of her game. Even the engine grease that permanently stained her nails was gone.
“How could I stay away?”
As usual, he was the portrait of perfection, stretched out on the bed next to her and propped up on one elbow. He gazed upon her with eyes of liquid gold. Not that Donna was paying much attentio
n to his eyes. Her new friend, whose name she had yet to discover, seemed to have an aversion to clothing and try as she might (and boy how she tried) Donna could not find a single flaw anywhere on his perfectly bronzed flesh.
“Well last time you didn’t seem very interested in, ah…”
Donna let the suggestion hang unspoken between them, hoping he might get the hint this time, but alas, her visitor just graced her with the dazzlingly white smile of someone who was oblivious to their primary purpose in life. Just as he had before. This was the fourth time in as many nights that she had dreamed a naked Adonis into her bed. Just like the previous three, it seemed as if this dream was not going to take the typical path that dreams of naked people usually took.
“I’m very interested in you, Donna. I want to know everything about you.”
“Why?” she asked, quite curious and a little wary. Just because she was dreaming did not mean she could be fooled into turning over important information. Is that what this is? She wondered if she was just fooling herself. After all, her visitor couldn’t possibly be what he purported to be. Not when she took measures to ensure her dreams would forever be free from catastrophic visits that would end in an unpleasant surprise. Granted, this guy wasn’t even trying. There was certainly the possibility that he had a not so obvious but equally nefarious agenda.
“Why do you want to know anything about me? What’s the point?”
“Why? Would you rather we just…” He raised his eyebrows suggestively rather than finish the question.
“Well, since you mentioned it…” Donna scooted closer, allowing the covers to slide a little lower, which finally caught his attention. His smile turned into a wicked grin as his eyes lingered over the newly exposed flesh. Shyly he licked his lips and lowered his head to hers, grazing her cheek with the lightest of touches before rearing back as if struck by lightning. He opened his mouth and let out a shrill, high-pitched beeping sound.
* * *
The pieces of my alarm clock lay scattered across the floor of my room, yet somehow, somewhere in the wreckage, the speaker still blasted its infernal beep. Grabbing a nearby shoe, I followed the noise and found the speaker under the bookshelf. A few good whacks with the four-inch heel and it finally shut the hell up.
Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Page 52
