Chapter 3
Profitable Chaos
I ain’t sayin’ that Des and the rest of them Order folks was inept, but it sure seems like I been doing a lot of bacon saving ever since I fell in with the good guys. As such, it stands to reasonables that if we was headed for a showdown with the head honcho of the demon division, I had a pretty good idea who was gonna get the starring role as Blackbird’s collective bacon saver. This wouldn’t be the first time I had to butt heads with the butt head and I’ll be honest, I was kinda lookin’ forward to puttin’ these newfound powers to use against the jerk what banished me here. If I save the day, all the better. I won’t be opposed to maybe seeing a statue bearing my handsome visage smack dab in the center of town.
“See there? You survived. I told you Desmond exaggerates.”
“Eh, it ain’t easy to rattle me.”
Technically, this were true. I been on all kinds of those whirly-gig contraptions and drop-you-outta-the-sky rollercoasters. Sure they was fun, but they never made me feel like my insides was liquefied. That was an honor held only by Myrna’s unique driving skills. She didn’t need to know that underneath my glamour were a face as green as a frog’s backside. The only thing what kept me from jumping out at the first available stoplight was the fact that Myrna didn’t have no regard for stoplights.
“And of course, Seth’s probably still miles away,” she fussed while digging around her bag for something. A spell hopefully, ‘cuz I could already feel the Dragon’s presence. “If Desmond hadn’t been so dramatic, Jem would be here now and we could get this over with.”
I weren’t gonna be the one to tell her the kid made the right choice. Facing a dragon is bad. Facing a dragon after riding with Myrna is a good way to turn one’s insides into outsides. Still, she had a point about time being of the essence. The stuff that was trying to wiggle into my head weren’t pretty.
Even back when I was a demon of some standing in the realm, I knew to stay away from the dragons. Those guys had no qualms about messin’ with whoever and whatever they wanted, with no regard to such silly notions as sides. Thank the maker I ain’t never had a run in with ‘em, but this one time Great Uncle Howie got crosswise with a dragon and it weren’t pretty. Come to think of it, that mighta been part of the reason Ajhe was so quick to bounce ol’ Howie right alongside me. Well, okay, that and a whole laundry list of Howie gettin’ up in Ajhe’s craw type things, but the dragon encounter didn’t help.
Even so, Uncle Howie’s survival hinged pretty heavily on him being an imp with a pretty strong constitution. Me? I weren’t never that tough to begin with and now that I weren’t under the protection of being a creature of Chaos, I weren’t so sure what a dragon was capable of. Alls I knew was I didn’t wanna find out.
“Yous about ready?” I asked, itchin’ to be outta the car just in case Myrna got any funny ideas about turning it on and driving somewhere.
“Almost,” she replied with a distracted air as she continued to rummage around in her handbag. Not that I were dumb enough to say anything out loud, but it had definitely occurred to me on more than one occasion that the reason women couldn’t never find anything in their bags was because they carried all kinds of crap they was never gonna need. I mean it. I seen whole luggage sets that was smaller than some of the bags these broads carried.
“There we go!” Myrna crowed, holdin’ up a small bottle of glittery gold stuff. I didn’t recognize it as anything other than sparkly, but then, I weren’t a potions kind of a guy. Sure, Betty left enough of ‘em lying around that I could maybe sort of recognize some of ‘em, but for the most part, demons was more adept at spells than any of that other nonsense.
“Euphoric acid,” Myrna added, noting my blank stare. “One drop and even the most desperate and hopeless won’t be able to stop thinking of their happiest memory.”
Okay, I had to admit, if ever there was a potion that was one hundred percent appropriate for the current situation, it were that one. No sooner was I out of the car that it became painfully obvious that we was neck deep in folks what needed saving from their own dark thoughts. Even though I couldn’t see no one, I could feel ‘em. I was gonna be in for a long night.
But first, I had a bar to check on.
After seeing Myrna to the relative safety of Louie’s diner, I went back to the Five Penny. Leavin’ Mort in charge weren’t the smartest idea, but I didn’t have much of a choice. Red needed my help and I weren’t gonna leave the kid in the lurch like that. Especially after the way I got on her about her little problem. Yeesh, what a problem that was! I try to be fair in my assessment of my former colleagues. Sure, Discordant ain’t no saints, but we ain’t all deserving of the whackin’ Des and his type is so quick to dole out. But I ain’t never seen anyone quite as whacked out on himself as that guy. Sheesh! He were a special kind of unintelligent and believe me when I say the incubi ain’t no brain scholars to begin with, what with all the thinkin’ with their ding-dongs. But I digress.
It ain’t that I’m not the trusting sort, but Mort’s the kind of guy who has only one thing on his mind and that’s how to make life better for Mort. As it so happened, though, Mort’s reputation for thinking with his wallet worked in our favor. The mood in the Five Penny was higher than I seen in a good long while. You’d a thought the Cubs won the series the way they was carryin’ on. Turns out Mort decided to use his stint as bartender to drum up some business for tomorrow’s grand opening of Big Royal Burger. Between the drunken excitement and the wards that typically shielded this place from the majority of the riff raff, one could almost forget there was a dragon runnin’ around.
“Oh good, you’re back!” Mort tossed the towel on the bar and was reachin’ to take off his apron. “Check these babies out,” he said, handing me a coupon for a free drink and fries with the purchase of a Big Cheezy. “See, it looks like a great deal, eh? What these dopes don’t realize is the profit margin on the Cheezy makes this better than pretty much any other menu item. You were right, Hubert. I’m gonna be rich!”
“That’s great and all, but hold your horses on leavin’ for a minute,” I said, holding up my hand as he made like he was ready to skedaddle. “I don’t suppose you felt that last quake, did you?”
“Felt it? You were lucky I was here to keep all the bottles from falling off the shelves. If I was a betting man I’d say that was our side making the ruckus.”
“You is a betting man, but I ain’t takin’ that bet because it was our side. Well, your side, seein’ as I ain’t a part of that no more. The portal’s open and Blackbird’s knee-deep in the worst of it. And by worst of it, I mean what you think I mean.”
“Harpies and sirens lookin’ for alimony?”
I had to hand it to Mort for being quick with the quips. “Yeah no. The other worst of it. Along with just about every wolf, vamp, pixie, and fairy from the realm, there’s a dragon out there. And by out there I mean right out there. Probably nosing around the alley.”
“A dragon? No kidding!”
“Good grief, Mort! Yeah. No kiddin’ indeed.” Yeesh! I knew Mort were pretty single-minded when it came to maximizing profit potential, but I ain’t never known anyone, demon, human, or otherwise whose tunnel vision was dragon-proof. “Which is why I need you to stick around here and keep these yo-yos off the streets. You has my permission to offer half price Red Shirt or whatever it takes.”
“Uh, that’s all well and good, Hubie, but don’t we gotta close in an hour? Des may have enough piss and vinegar to take on a thousand wolves, but I don’t think even he is gonna be able to do much against a dragon, let alone within the hour.”
“He ain’t.” I was about to explain about Jem when the back door opened and slammed shut with enough force to rattle the bottles behind the bar. Instead of heralding the appearance of the devil we was speakin’ of, I was surprised to see Seth come around the corner, though truth be told, he was wearin’ a scowl that were very Des-like. I didn’t like the looks of that. Seth mighta been a
typically high strung sort, but he was easy going most of the time. I chanced a quick peek at his soul and was rewarded with a death glare, the likes of which I didn’t think the pretty boy had in him.
“Sorry!” I apologized. “Just checking. You seem a little…. Uh…”
“I know. Give me a second.” Seth took a deep breath, as if he was tryin’ to meditate away the dragon rage. Seemed to work though. A few more yoga breaths and Seth was lookin’ more like his old self. “Jem’s out in the alley,” he told us after draining half the Red Shirt I poured him. “So is the dragon. Hopefully, he’ll get to it here in a minute or two.”
“Jem? You mean that kid who ain’t got a mean bone in his body is going after a dragon?” Mort looked like his eyeballs was gonna fall out. “Boy, you Order boys are ruthless.”
“That lack of mean bones is what’s gonna help the kid save the day,” I explained. “Jem’s about the only one what can get near the thing, so he’s trying to get it out of the downtown area. It just might be best if we don’t have no casualties. Besidesways, we got another headache.”
“Or two or three or five dozen,” Seth added with a snort, pushing his now drained glass across the bar. “But don’t mind me. I’ll just be here… observing.”
I refilled it, but I also gave him a hairy eyeball that said once this Armageddon stuff was over, we was gonna have a sit down to discuss his recently acquired drinking habits. I guess he weren’t as over the dragon’s curse as I thought. Not that I was gonna let that excuse the drinkin’, but I weren’t gonna provoke the guy either. Instead, I turned my attention back to Mort. “You got any dirt on why Ajhe might be runnin’ a fracking company out here in the boonies?”
“Ajhe is out here? The Ajhe? As in…”
“As in yeah, he what wants both our tushies strung up for causin’ him grief,” I said, though by the shade of green clashing with Mort’s normally red complexion, the reminder weren’t so much needed. I mighta been banished, but I was pretty sure Mort had a trick or two he ain’t answered for yet. “Any idea what he’s doing here?”
“What? Are you serious? Fracking’s the easy payout for Discord, ain’t it? Man, I should’ve listened to my gut and got into that business back when I still could. If Ajhe is out here, there ain’t gonna be much left to profit off.”
“Yeah, I get that there’s money in it and whatnot, but we’re talking about the guy who runs the show coming out to this backwater burg.”
“Boy, Hubert, you really weren’t never cut out to be one of us, were you?” he scoffed when he noticed my look of confusion. “Ah jeez! PET Projects, kid! That’s Demon Marketing 101 right there!”
“Pet projects?” Seth asked.
“Yeah, some folks has their pet projects to skim a bit of profit. Like Mort here,” I explained, but Seth frowned.
“Fracking isn’t exactly a quick or anywhere near cheap set up,” he said. “Not at all like a shady fast food operation or an underground gambling ring.”
“Nah, nah, not pet projects, PET projects,” Mort corrected. “Profitable Environmental Travesties. Those are our bread and butter. And hey!” he added with a look of deep hurt that wouldn’t have fooled the most gullible of saps. “Who you calling shady? I did everything on the up and up to get Big Royal rolling.”
Ah, I shoulda known. I weren’t never more than small potatoes as a lesser demon, so I usually stuck to sendin’ the Hollywood types off the rails. Makin’ a big ruckus weren’t my thing, but after spendin’ the last two months listening to Betty go on about the environmental whammies fracking was throwing about, I knew Chaos had to have a hand in that cookie jar.
“How on Earth… No, never mind. I actually think I get it.” Seth made a face like he just found out his favorite dish was made of roadkill. “It makes perfect sense. The divide between concern for the environment and economic turnaround causes an imbalance. You target areas where economic stagnation has already created a low morale situation, therefore ensuring that any and all opposition will be defeated because pie-in-the-sky promises of wealth, prosperity, and revitalization go a lot farther than concern for the planet. By the time all is said and done, we have a city council practically begging you to bring in the equipment that will blast a hole from one realm to the other.
“You catch on fast!” Mort said with an impressed whistle, but Seth weren’t flattered.
“I work in the unemployment office,” he practically growled. “I’ve seen the false promises first hand.”
And it all made perfect sense, really. Environmental types was gonna do everything in their power to stop fracking and raise awareness of all the damage it causes. Normal citizens was gonna feel a wee bit concerned and maybe might agree, but in a place like Blackbird that ain’t got much of anything going for it economics-wise, fracking is gonna win the day. But that weren’t my main concern.
“Okay, but none of that explains why Ajhe himself would throw in for a place like this,” I noted again. “Small time places like Blackbird might still yield a high profit for some of the lower demons, but it seems awful fishy that the head honcho himself would even know this place existed.”
“Eh, who are we small fries to question the ways of the big tuna?” Mort asked with a dismissive shrug, but I could see right through the not-so-casual attitude.
“Uh huh. And exactly what is it you ain’t sayin’ Mort?”
“What? Nothing. It’s just, I know you ain’t one of us anymore, but you ain’t seriously thinking of taking up against Ajhe, are you?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean, you start poking your nose around in Ajhe’s business and he’s gonna start poking his nose around in all of our business, if you get my drift.”
“Geez Mort,” I said, rollin’ my eyes. Mort’s shifty behavior made sense now that I was seein’ the big picture. “Stop thinkin’ with your wallet for a minute. I ain’t gonna draw any unwanted attention, if that’s what you is asking.”
“Yeah, but see, that’s just it. If you go poking around looking for Ajhe, he’s gonna wanna take you down after what you did.”
“What did I do?”
“You made him look bad!”
“Ah, au contraire. Ain’t nobody what can make Ajhe look bad quite like Ajhe,” I said, utterly baffled by Mort’s declaration.
“Yeah, I know what you mean, but Hubert, you jumping ship and going full-on Order lackey had to grind his gears, but it didn’t just grind his gears. You lost him his standing with the other heads of the realm. He ain’t just mad at you; he’s looking for revenge.”
“Well mayhaps he mighta done well not to banish me from the realm. What was I supposed to do?”
“You know he would have let you back eventually.”
“Yeah, but Ajhe’s idea of eventually is decades,” I noted. There were no sense in arguing the point. Right or wrong, I shoulda known Ajhe would be coming for me after the stunt I pulled, but I sure as heck didn’t expect him to start an all-out war between the realms over little old me. Maybe I really was too humble for my own good.
“Look,” Seth cut in. “Bogie’s right, Mort. If Chaos is allowed to come in and take over, your side projects will be worthless. What’s the point of a grand opening when all of your potential customers have been turned into soulless puppets who feed off torment instead of burgers?”
“Well yeah, but what’s the point of spending all my time and money investing in a business that Ajhe can just waltz in and destroy if he gets a Bogie-sized bug up his butt?”
“Hey now, don’t go blamin’ me. If you is on Ajhe’s radar, you got there on your own,” I reminded him. “Besideways, I ain’t just gonna go kicking wasp’s nests for no reason. If we don’t do nothin’, there ain’t gonna be anything left of Blackbird and that includes the burger joint you was supposed to open to keep this from happening.”
“Oh no you don’t!” Mort shot back. “Don’t you pin that one on me! You know I could’ve had Big Royal up and running in a matter of days if
it weren’t for your Warrior pal sniffing around.”
“Okay, you know what isn’t going to solve anything? Arguing.” Seth slammed his beer on the bar and glared at the both of us. “If you both don’t mind, you’re making my job difficult and that’s saying something, since I’m just an Observer.”
“Right, sorry, Seth,” I said in what I hoped was a sincere enough tone. Something was up with the guy and I was starting to think it didn’t have as much to do with the dragon as I thought. “So, uh… speaking of… See anything I gotta take care of?”
“Actually, no,” Seth said with a hint of surprise. “I mean, nothing too bad. No one is lost and the wards here around the Penny are pretty well fortified.”
“Yeah, that’s all well and good, but how bad is it out there? We can’t keep everyone here all night. Even Des ain’t gonna be able to protect everyone in the next…” I looked up at the clock behind the bar. “Ten or so minutes.”
“He doesn’t have to do it alone.”
Seth downed the last of his drink and slid off the stool.
“Seth, tell me you ain’t thinkin’ about going out there.”
If looks could kill, I’d be dead five times over.
“My bad. You is thinkin’ about going out there.”
“I’ve got weapons,” he muttered, checking his pockets. “But I need your help. Make sure that no one leaves alone, but don’t let everyone leave at once. If we can keep the number of souls on the street to a slow trickle, I should be able to keep the area around the bar clear until the protection spell is in place.”
Sure, it was a reasonable plan, but I didn’t like the idea of Seth out there by himself and I especially didn’t like the idea that he probably weren’t gonna say nothin’ to Des on account of them still being weird with each other. I was about to tell him as much when my brain decided to remember it weren’t on vacation and I didn’t need to have a useless argument. Besidesways, I had a better idea.
Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Page 72
