Aislin of Arianrhod (Land of Alainnshire)

by S. L. Jesberger

  The temptation to shut her mother out was strong, but Aislin was burning with curiosity. Emara so rarely made an effort to talk with her, that she knew this must be something extraordinary. And Aislin had a few questions of her own that needed answered.

  “Go on up. I’ll be right there,” Aislin said shortly.

  Emara sat on the chaise, wringing her hands together, and nervously avoiding eye contact with her daughter. How very odd, thought Aislin. Her normally cool, self-possessed mother looked as though she were about to come unhinged.

  “You had something you wanted to talk to me about?” asked Aislin.

  Her mother started several times, stammered and stopped, and finally said, “Has Gwen said anything to you about Jariath? Or our time spent in the dungeon?”

  Aislin sat down beside her mother and regarded her with suspicion. “No. But now as I think on it, Jariath had some pretty interesting things to say about you and his father.”

  Emara sighed. “I was afraid of that.”

  “It’s not true, is it? It couldn’t possibly be true.”

  “What did he tell you?”

  “That you and Boru had been lovers before you married Daddy.”

  Emara’s eyes flashed anger. “That’s not true! Of course it’s not true!”

  “I didn’t think so...”

  “But there is something I need to tell you.”

  Her mother’s tone chilled her. “What is it?”

  “I don’t even know where to begin,” Emara said hesitantly. “As you know, your father and I were an arranged marriage. We were betrothed when I was fifteen years old in 1640. Hal’s father had just died, and he’d taken the throne of Arianrhod. He was looking for a wife, and my father negotiated my engagement to him. We’d never met, and being so young, I was quite frightened. But I knew my duty as a princess of Wyndham, and I accepted my fate.”

  “When I finally met your father, I quickly fell in love with him. He was so funny, charming, very handsome. He calmed any fears I had, and before long, he’d also fallen in love with me. I knew things were going to be fine. Our marriage was scheduled to take place in Arianrhod on June 16, 1642. I’d never been happier.”

  “But you weren’t married until 1644,” Aislin said slowly.

  “That’s right.” Her mother hesitated, fidgeted with a fingernail. Aislin furrowed her brow as she watched her mother’s face. She’d thought her mother was capable of only one emotion— contemptuous disdain— but now, as she watched, she saw other things. Fear and loathing.

  “In September of 1641, I accompanied my family to a horse market in the village of Wyndham. Boru of Morrigan was there, and I caught his eye, though I didn’t see him. He was evidently quite taken with me. When he found out I was betrothed to Hal, he decided he would just take me for himself.”

  “Take you? Just take you...?” Aislin couldn’t finish. It was just too horrific to think about.

  Emara nodded, her eyes glistening. “My family had thrown a Winter Solstice Ball in December of 1641, and we were all having a wonderful time. We were busy planning the wedding, and everyone was happy. Your father was there. We danced every dance. I stepped out for a moment to get some air, and Boru and his men kidnapped me. They made no sound when they took me, and it was at least a half hour before anyone realized I was missing. By that time, we were well on our way to Morrigan.”

  Aislin was sure her heart had stopped beating. The pain was so intense on her mother’s face that she felt it too. All those years her mother had listened to her rant about Jariath and his proposals, and she‘d never said a word about any of this.

  “Boru was a monster. I knew in my heart what he was going to do, but he didn’t even wait until he had me back in Morrigan to do it. He stopped along the way, threw me down in the snow and raped me in front of his men.”

  A vise of pain crushed Aislin’s chest. She reached out and pulled her mother into her arms as Emara began to sob. There were no words of comfort.

  “He kept me locked in a room that was just off of his bedroom and abused me every day for the next five months. At first, I prayed your father would find me, and when that didn’t happen, I prayed to die. Finally, I looked up one day, and there stood your father in the window of my room. I don’t know how he found me, but we rappelled down the side of the castle in Morrigan and he carried me off to safety—the proverbial knight in shining armor.” Emara smiled a little.

  “Why didn’t you tell...?”

  “There’s more, and I don’t want you to hate me for this, or think badly of your father.”

  Aislin felt sick. Could this story get any worse?

  “When your father finally rescued me, I was three months pregnant with Boru’s child.”

  “What?” Aislin gasped in horror. “Did Boru know?”

  “I don’t think so. I hid from him as much as I could, but I only really started to show after your father rescued me.”

  “What did Daddy say?”

  “I had been with another man, even if it wasn’t willingly, and I told him he didn’t have to keep his obligation to marry me. But he loved me and wanted to marry me anyway. The child I carried created a problem for both of our families. I stayed hidden away in the manor house here until I gave birth to her.”

  “Her? You had a girl?”

  “On November 19, 1642, in my room down the hall, I gave birth to a little girl. I was extremely distraught. I didn’t want her. She was a reminder of Boru’s brutality, and I wanted her gone.”

  “Your father saw how upset I was, and offered...to do away with her...as soon as she was born. He had his sword ready...please don’t think badly of him, Aislin. He was going to do it for me...”

  “But he didn’t, did he? He was the one who always made sure the crippled foals found homes. Daddy would never have killed a baby,” Aislin said, eyes wide, wondering if she’d known her father at all.

  Emara shook her head. “No. She was beautiful and perfect, and neither of us could bear to put her to death. She was completely innocent of her father’s cruelty. We decided she should be given a chance to live.”

  The untamed child that Aislin had been went very still inside her. She knew the answer to the next question would shift her life under her even before it left her lips.

  “What did you do with her?”

  “As soon as I was able to travel, we bundled her up and rode just over the border into Morrigan. We pinned a note to her blanket giving her birth date and left her on the doorstep of a very large farmhouse. Your father knocked on the door, and we both hid behind a barn on the property. We watched as an older couple took her in.”

  “You mean... I may have a sister? Do you know what happened to her?”

  “No. We came home, and your father and I were married. Then I gave birth to Fionn. We tried to put the past behind us, and we were successful for awhile. I lost two sons, as you know, and then...I gave birth to you.”

  Aislin sat back and looked at her mother. Her life had always been a puzzle to her, and the pieces were now dropping into place with dizzying speed.

  “Your birth brought everything back to me, Aislin, more vividly than when it happened. The rapes, the abuse...I couldn’t deal with having another girl. I wanted so much to love you. You were beautiful. You were born out of the love your father and I shared, but I just couldn’t look at you. I handed you off to a wet nurse, and went a little insane. Your father had no idea what to do with me.”

  “So it was never about me. It was nothing I had done,” Aislin whispered.

  “I’ve never been fair to you, my love. You have been the most amazing daughter, more than I could have ever hoped for, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get close to you. I pray you can forgive me.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? It couldn’t have been easy for you to
listen to me complain about Jariath’s proposals, knowing what his father did to you. And you never said one word.”

  “I was ashamed. Your father and I were the only ones who knew about the baby, but apparently, Boru talked about me a little to Jariath. He told his son we had some kind of great love affair. He made plans to take me back to Morrigan to present to his father as some sort of trophy, a spoil of war I guess. As repugnant as that sounds, I would have welcomed the chance to stick a knife in his heart for stealing my life from me!”

  “I’m glad I killed Jariath, and I hope someday you’ll be able to do the same to Boru!” Aislin said through gritted teeth.

  “I just wanted you to understand, Aislin. I do love you so very much. I just don’t know how to bridge the gap between us now.”

  Something in Aislin snapped. “I’m not sure we can bridge the gap. Do you know how may times I huddled against the manor house door after you locked me out, crying and pleading for someone to let me back in? Do you know how hungry and cold I was half the time? I was always barely dressed, barefoot, and dirty. How could you do that to me?”

  “I’m so sorry, Aislin. By the gods, if I could do things over...”

  “I was four years old, Mother! Four!” Raw pain made Aislin’s voice crack. Her mother winced.

  “Please...”

  Thirty-five years of hurt and anger centered itself in Aislin’s breast, and she turned it on the woman sitting next to her.

  “I suppose I should thank you. Father, Fionn and Roderic raised me. If not for that, I would have been just another silly, simpering princess, thinking I was doing the world a great service by finishing another embroidered shawl!”

  Her mother flinched as if she’d been hit, but Aislin wasn’t finished.

  “Instead, I learned things. Real things. Animal husbandry, crop rotation, bookkeeping, inventory control. Where would you be now if I hadn’t learned those things at Daddy’s knee?”

  Where, indeed. Her mother’s neglect had forced her into a world that had tested her and made her strong. Those who had taken her under their wing had looked past her gender and recognized the potential in the wild-eyed, filthy little girl. She was a strong, capable woman because of the things she’d endured. She knew she wouldn’t change a thing.

  Her anger abated a bit. “I’ll tell you something, Mother. No child of mine will ever wonder if it’s loved or wanted. They will always know they are uppermost in my heart.”

  “Are you finished?” her mother asked. “I have no excuses for the way I treated you. I only ask that you try to understand my point of view. I lived every woman’s nightmare for five months. I wasn’t the same person when your father finally rescued me from Morrigan. I used to look at you and wonder how I could have ever given birth to such a beautiful little girl when I was nothing but hate and darkness inside. It was good that your father raised you. He had a heart full of love for you, and I know you pleased him very much.” She sighed deeply. “I’m not asking you to forget, Aislin. I’m asking you to forgive.”

  Several long minutes passed as Aislin pondered her mother’s words.

  She had no idea who the woman sitting beside her was. She didn’t even know if she cared to find out. She’d tried as a child to get close to her mother, but the encounters left her frightened and confused. Her mother had a temper, and she’d had little patience for her small daughter.

  Locked out of the manor house as a child, Aislin would most often go the stables in search of her brother Fionn, the only constant she really had in her life.

  If the men were busy, as they often were, she would find an empty stall, curl up with one of the horse blankets, and fall asleep on a pile of clean hay.

  Her father accidently found her that way one day, sound asleep in the stables. She’d been about five years old. Her father had paid little attention to her up to that point, no doubt assuming her mother was taking care of her.

  She remembered how she’d jumped when she felt someone touch her face. She’d opened sleepy eyes to see her father on his knees beside her, his eyes full of tears.

  He’d scooped her tiny body up out of the hay and into his arms then, sobbing like his heart would break. Her child’s mind thought she had done something wrong, but he assured her she hadn’t. He held her for a long time, kissing her and telling her how much he loved her.

  It was the turning point of her young life. After that, she was included in everything. If Fionn learned it, she learned it. The only exception had been swordplay.

  Her father had loved her mother enough to risk his life and rescue her from Morrigan, but he’d brought a broken and scarred woman back with him. One incapable of being a mother to the daughter she eventually bore him. And that was the reality they had to deal with.

  I can’t go back and change the past. I only have right now. I’ll do it for you, Daddy.

  “I’m willing to work at it if you are,” Aislin finally said. “I can’t make any promises. But now that I understand, I think I can try.”

  “I’m very sorry for driving Tristan away. I heard how he saved your life, and that he almost died healing your broken arm. He sounds like a perfect match for you. I hope Roderic and Devin can convince him to return. I owe him an apology.”

  “You know this baby will be half elf.”

  “I’m sure my grandchild will be perfect. I look forward to it. Do you love Tristan?”

  “I did. I do.” Aislin shook her head. “I don’t know anymore. And I’m not at all sure how he feels about me.”

  “I want you to be happy. Don’t stay apart from each other out of anger and misunderstanding, especially since I’m the cause of it. You have my blessing, and I know your father would have given his as well,” Emara said.

  That night, Aislin lay staring at the ceiling. She was starting to see her mother in a whole new light. She tried to imagine what it must have been like to be stolen away from loved ones at such a young age, to have been abused by a beast like Boru and have no hope. That had almost been her fate. Thinking about it was unbearable.

  It was possible she had a sister out there somewhere. She would be about fifteen years older than Aislin, probably with children and maybe grandchildren of her own. It was strange to think she and Jariath had shared a half-sister, but the most important thing to Aislin was that she had another sibling and was no longer alone. She knew at some point she was going to go looking for her sister, whether her mother approved or not.

  Chapter Forty Three

  AISLIN WOKE UP SLOWLY FROM the nap she’d been taking and stretched languidly. She’d never been so tired in her life, but Roderic had assured her that was normal in pregnancy. He’d encouraged her to indulge herself in a nap whenever she felt like it. And she felt like it all the time.

  Still sleepy, she burrowed back down into the pillow and started to drift off again when she heard the door to her rooms open and close softly.

  “Will you never learn to knock?” she called out, laughing. She stayed snuggled in, eyes closed, and waited for Gwen to say something.

  Her eyes flew open as the familiar scent wafted down to her. The silent presence she sensed by her bed wasn’t Gwen.

  Aislin was out of bed in an instant, nostrils flared, heart hammering in her chest. Her eyes devoured him hungrily across the bed, so impossibly handsome in his black velvet tunic, his long, silken black hair spilling past his shoulders, his green eyes ablaze as he devoured her right back.

  She wanted to run across the bed and jump into his arms, but she fisted her hands at her side. Pride held her very still.

  “Get out.”

  “Aislin...”

  “Don’t. Don’t you Aislin me. Get out, Tristan. Get out, or I’ll shout this house down until someone comes and throws you in the dungeon.”

  “I doubt anyone will come to your aid, and I’m s
ure they won’t imprison me. It was your family who sent me up here.”

  “You lying, arrogant ass.”

  Tristan threw his head back and laughed. The sound sent warm jolts straight to her heart.

  “I’ve been guilty as charged many times in the past. This time I’m innocent, my love.”

  “I am not your love.”

  His eyes were deep pools of glittering emerald. “Yes, you are. You know it as well as I do.”

  He took a step toward her, and she instinctively backed away. She hoped he wouldn’t come around the end of the bed. Doing so would trap her in the corner, and then she would have to hurt him.

  “I see that we must start over again.” He bowed low to her. “I’m very glad to see you, Princess Aislin,” he said, as his eyes played over her. “You are as beautiful as ever.”

  Aislin put a protective hand on her rounding belly. “I didn’t want them to tell you. I didn’t want you to know.”

  Tristan frowned at her. “Why not?”

  “You left me here without a word, and never came back. You wouldn’t be here now if it weren’t for this baby. I don’t need you, Tristan. I can do this by myself.”

  “I’m sorry...”

  “You didn’t even try to contact me.”

  “Well, you didn’t try to contact me either.”

  He had a point, and it infuriated her. “You were the one who left.”

  “I made a big mistake in leaving. I regretted it immediately. You warned me about your mother. I shouldn’t have let her make me so angry, but truthfully, she reminds me of another arrogant queen I knew many years ago.”

  “I understand that. I really do. But I am not my mother.”

  “I know that, but after I thought about it, I realized there were so many obstacles for us. I thought it would be best if we never saw each other again. I lost a piece of my soul the night Duff took you. The way some of the Sylvan feel about humans...well, I can’t promise it won’t happen again.”