Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

by Chloe Seager

  ‘Ew, TMI,’ said Gracie. ‘Brother, remember. Brother.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Steph.

  ‘Maybe it’s some innate thing about menstruation and pregnancy. Like, they see it and something inside them says, I’m not ready to be a daddy,’ suggested Faith.

  ‘Then surely no blood would be scarier?’ I said.

  Faith laughed. ‘Eh, they’re not that smart.’

  ‘So what happened after?’ I asked, gaining confidence now.

  ‘I got really pissed off and left.’

  ‘Left him to clear up your unholy mess,’ I laughed.

  Steph rolled her eyes. ‘Ugh. I can just imagine him dabbing at it with a cloth and wincing.’

  ‘Well, I think you did the right thing. Screw that,’ I said.

  ‘I think you’re completely right to be annoyed,’ Faith ventured cautiously, giving me side-eye,‘but maybe it’s something to talk over? And not a reason to just throw the whole relationship away?’

  Steph bit the inside of her cheeks and nodded.

  ‘Thanks you, guys,’ she said. She looked all sad. I hate seeing Steph sad.

  ‘Next time I hope you douse his whole mattress,’ I said.

  Steph guffawed. ‘Like a period-blood water-pistol.’

  We both laughed. And looked at each other for a moment. Suddenly it was like my insides were stretching out into a massive grin and sunshine was pouring in, because Steph was smiling at me and we were just talking and joking about something stupid. Did she still want to be my friend? Did she still care?!

  Then Steph looked back down at her destroyed fishcake. And I looked back down at the table. Faith looked between us like she wanted to bang our heads together.

  posted by EditingEmma 16.48

  The Most Awkward Afternoon Ever

  Got to the gates today and, lo and behold, Weird Adam was there again. Gracie turned to me in fear.

  ‘Emma,’ she began, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t…’

  ‘Hide with me by the gates every day for the rest of our lives? Yes, I know.’

  She grimaced. ‘I could maybe stay five minutes.’

  ‘It’s OK, Gracie,’ I said. ‘It’s time to be bold. Brave. It’s time to face up.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I think I should talk to him.’

  Gracie started shaking her head. ‘No, no I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

  ‘It’s the only way.’

  ‘But what will you say?!’

  ‘Um, leave me alone…but nicer.’

  ‘What about…I don’t know…all the horror movies and stuff?’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘I mean, no one goes up to talk to the murderer.’

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe if they did that in the beginning, no one would wind up dead.’

  She shook her head again. ‘All right…I’ll wait for you behind that tree. What’s our signal? You know, if he’s about to murder you?’

  ‘How about, “HELP! I’M BEING MURDERED, HELP!!!”’

  Gracie crossed her arms and blinked at me three times.

  ‘Are you going to murder me first?’ I asked.

  She rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll be over there.’

  Inner monologue of the next ten minutes:

  OK. Deep breaths. Deeeeeep breaths. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS.

  Heading over to him. Inching closer. He’s leaning against the gate, shuffling from side to side and looking around him every now and then. Thankfully, he’s not wearing his Matrix coat or I don’t think I’d be able to keep a straight face throughout this.

  Oh God. He’s spotted me. Now we have to do that thing where you’ve seen someone from really, really far away so you can’t greet them yet, and you have to just sort of awkwardly watch each other get closer…and closer…

  He looks very solemn. Is he here to kill me?

  Closer and closer…closer and closer… Pretending to be really interested in that tree over there, so I don’t have to keep maintaining eye contact…

  And I’ve arrived. Hmm. Gracie was right, what am I going to say? How does one greet their stalker?

  We both just stood there awkwardly. He brushed a stray hair out of his eye. Given how much time this guy has spent trying to get me to talk to him, you would think he’d have been better prepared for the talking part.

  ‘Hi,’ I ventured.

  ‘Why hello.’ He smiled nervously. ‘MayIwalkyouhome?’

  ‘Aha,’ I laughed. ‘Well, you do know where it is.’

  He nodded. ‘So, then?’

  Hmm. He didn’t seem to pick up on the undertone of what I was saying.

  ‘Look, Adam, I, uh… Did Holly speak to you?’

  ‘Holly speaks of a great many things,’ he replied. ‘I believe our most recent conversation was about abstract drumsticks.’

  ‘I…yeah. What are those?’

  ‘Well that depends on how you’re looking.’ He raised his eyebrows up and down, like Holly does.

  I can really see why these guys are friends.

  ‘Look, I actually meant, did Holly speak to you about me?’

  ‘She mentioned I might want to stop sending gifts. So here I am instead.’ He gestured to himself.

  Dear Lord.

  ‘Uh, the thing is, I just… I really meant what I said before.’

  He frowned. ‘That you can’t understand why anyone would put peanut butter with jelly?’

  ‘Uh, no, although, it’s true.’

  ‘That ham and pineapple is clearly the best pizza topping?’

  ‘Uh…Wow, we really got into…’

  ‘That you love your friend Steph more than anyone in the world?’

  Owch. That one slammed me in the ribs. So much had changed since the night I met Adam.

  But that was still true.

  After a moment of feeling like all the breath had been taken out of my body, I snapped back to the moment.

  ‘Look, Adam, I meant the bit that I said to Holly, about not wanting to go out with you. I, er…er…’ I floundered. ‘I, um, I would have LOVED to. But I actually have a boyfriend.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ he said, frowning.

  I smiled, feeling a bit bad but happy to make my escape, but just as I was about to run off he said, ‘Holly said you’re single.’

  Crap.

  ‘Er, you’re right,’ I sighed. ‘OK… The truth is… Um, I really just want to take a bit of me-time.’

  ‘Me time?’ He wrinkled his nose. ‘What does that mean?’

  Suddenly…I felt quite irritated by his tone. He was standing there looking all accusing, as if me not wanting to go out with him required some detailed essay of explanation. Because how could I possibly not want to, if I’m single?

  I sighed. Lying to this guy wasn’t really confronting the problem, either.

  ‘You know what, Adam,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said I have a boyfriend when I don’t, because that implied the only reason I might not want to get with you is because I’m already owned or something. I’m sorry I said the thing about me-time which yes, does sound like bullshit because it is. I am having me-time, but if I met someone I really liked then I could probably still make time for them… We’ve only just met and I don’t really owe you any explanation, but the actual reason I don’t want to go out with you is… I just don’t.’

  ‘But you can’t know you don’t want to go out with me, we’ve only met once.’

  ‘I, um, I still don’t really want to. And I’ve had enough of going out with guys I don’t really want to go out with, just for the sake of it.’

  His face changed a bit, then. It’s like he was finally, actually catching on.

  ‘Oh,’ he said.

  ‘Look, I…’

  He put up his hand. ‘Don’t worry. I see. Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen.’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s really, really not…’

  ‘Treat ’em like dirt and they stick like mud.’

  ‘No, really…�
��

  ‘No, please, it’s fine. Bye, Emma,’ he said, and started to walk off in a huff.

  Well, that went well.

  Gracie’s head popped out from behind a tree. She sidled over to me.

  ‘He looks grumpy,’ she said.

  ‘I know, I… Oh God. He’s turning around!!’

  Adam started marching back to us. Gracie gripped my arm in terror.

  ‘Oh, and I want my squirrel chair back!’ he said, pointing his finger at me, face deadly serious.

  ‘That’s fine,’ I squeaked.

  We watched him recede into the distance, waited until he was a good few metres away, and both BURST out laughing.

  Then, believe it or not, is when things got even more awkward.

  Me and Gracie were still hugging each other, falling about laughing and spluttering.

  ‘How could….how…’ Gracie started.

  ‘How could anyone look so serious…’ I continued, ‘…about a squirrel chair…’

  When suddenly, Charlie and Leon came up behind us.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ asked Charlie. ‘I need a good laugh after Philosophy with Susan. Mr Allen made her recite Kant. As if Kant isn’t boring enough already.’

  Leon could barely hide his surprise; he clearly didn’t know that me and Charlie spoke. He was looking between us all wide-eyed and flustered.

  ‘I…’ I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even take a breath.

  ‘Squirrel chair,’ Gracie squeaked.

  We kept laughing. Charlie was grinning and Leon looked ridiculously uncomfortable. He pulled at Charlie’s arm, but Charlie ignored him.

  ‘Ohhhh,’ he said, ‘Was that him?! The guy sending you all that stuff?!’ He pointed at the very distant figure, reaching the end of the road.

  ‘Yes, it was…he wants his squirrel chair back.’

  I managed to say it calmly until I got to ‘chair’ and it came out more like ‘chhaaiirrnnghh’.

  ‘What happened?!’ asked Charlie.

  ‘Yeah, lovers’ tiff?’ interjected Leon.

  He was trying to sound jokey, but it came out all cold and flat. The comment landed on the floor like a dead fish and we all pretended not to notice the change in atmosphere. Leon went bright red.

  This time a few months ago, I would have been so excited that it clearly bothered him. I would have rushed to make sure he knew that me and Adam weren’t a thing. But today I just said, ‘Something like that.’

  ‘Which way are you two going?’ Charlie asked.

  I pointed.

  ‘Us too,’ said Charlie.

  Dear God. Does Charlie not have an awkwardness radar? The four of us started walking down the road. Leon was completely silent, and I tried to join in with Charlie and Gracie’s babble as much as possible by saying ‘mm, yeah,’ and ‘oh, I know,’ a lot. Which wasn’t at all convincing, because they were talking about their mutually discovered love of fishing.

  ‘Have you tried jigging?’ asked Gracie.

  ‘Oh yes.’ Charlie nodded sincerely.

  ‘What do you use as your lure?’ Gracie asked, all interested.

  ‘Mm-hmm,’ I said. Which didn’t even make any sense.

  Thanks to Gracie and Charlie, I have now discovered that walking dynamics, when certain people in the group are completely OBLIVIOUS to them, are incredibly difficult. Charlie and Gracie were having this great conversation (bully for them) and so were naturally walking closer together and a bit in front. Every so often I’d drop back, and Leon would drop back, and instead of doing the NORMAL thing and dropping back to talk to each other, like two other people would do, we both just sort of jogged to keep up with Gracie and Charlie.

  Then, we’d accidentally get a bit ahead of them, spot each other and jog backwards again.

  It really was a very strange oscillating formation and people on the street kept getting annoyed because obviously, four people walking in a line is completely ridiculous.

  Eventually, we broke off and THANK GOODNESS, no one tried to hug anyone goodbye.

  It’s been a really, really tiring day.

  posted by EditingEmma 21.08

  Message from Holly:

  So when do you want to drop off the squirrel chair? 21.01

  We probs need to think about the logistics here 21.01

  AGHHHH.

  Thursday, 11 December

  posted by EditingEmma 08.07

  At breakfast, I made the mistake of telling Mum about Adam turning up at school. For some reason this really, really bothered her. She froze and turned on the spot like she’d been possessed by the devil.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this?!’ she boomed.

  ‘I am telling you,’ I said.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!’

  ‘Sorry.’ I shrugged. ‘I didn’t think it was a big deal.’

  ‘Not a big deal?! NOT a big deal?!’

  I really never know what she wants me to say, when she repeats my own words back at me like that, so I just shrugged again. That clearly wasn’t the right thing to do.

  ‘DON’T YOU SHRUG AT ME!’ she yelled, pointing her spoon in my face. ‘This is serious! The gifts were one thing, Emma, but following you around?!’

  ‘He wasn’t really “following me around”…’

  But it was too late. I’d lost her. She went haring off to her bedroom. I could hear her printing something. Five minutes later, she came storming back into the room and threw some papers at me.

  ‘We’re going to this,’ she said.

  I looked down at the sheet of paper. It read:

  ‘WHAM-BAM-SAM’S SUPER-DUPER SELF-DEFENCE CLASSES’.

  ‘Er, no we’re not,’ I said.

  ‘Er, yes we are. This weekend.’

  ‘What if I had plans this weekend?!’

  She snorted.

  ‘All right, fine,’ I continued. ‘But why Wham Bam Sam?! Can’t we go somewhere more normal sounding?’

  She looked sheepish. ‘I already booked it.’

  ‘Oh, Mum. WHY.’

  ‘He was the first search result on Google so it must be fine.’

  Yes, that’s reassuring.

  posted by EditingEmma 13.19

  More Friendship Drama

  Got a message from Charlie:

  Can we talk? 13.03

  Um sure, I’m with Gracie in the SFC? 13.03

  So he came over to us, waving awkwardly at Gracie. She waved back, then did a stupid raised-wiggle-eyebrow at me behind his back. When will she get into her head that we’re just friends?

  ‘Can we go for a walk?’ he asked.

  ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Is something wrong?’

  ‘Um, kinda.’

  Mysterious…

  We started walking out of the sixth form centre. I could see Gracie inside watching us all goggle-eyed. She really needs to start watching some good TV, if she finds this entertaining. Too much Maths homework has gone to her head.

  ‘What’s up, Charlie?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s Leon,’ he said.

  I internal sighed. What was it this time?

  ‘He’s not speaking to me,’ he carried on.

  ‘Oh? Really?’

  ‘Yeah. Really.’

  ‘Weird. Why?’

  ‘Well, that’s what I wanted to ask you… Have you…said anything to him?’

  ‘Er, I don’t know if you’d noticed, Charlie. But he’s not speaking to me either.’

  ‘So you haven’t said anything at all?’

  I shook my head.

  He sighed. ‘For God’s sake, Leon.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I think he’s not speaking to me, because of you.’

  ‘What?!’ I exclaimed. ‘Why?!’

  ‘I don’t know. He got all weird about the fact I hadn’t told him we knew each other. I said, I’m sorry, I speak to lots of people. I didn’t realize I had to update you on every new acquaintance.’

  ‘And what did he say?’

  ‘He just went all
stroppy and red and he’s been ignoring me since. Like, really blatant ignoring. Aggressive scowling and pass agg comments about me to other people. Whilst I’m still standing there.’

  ‘Jeez.’

  ‘It’s just ludicrous on so many levels. Firstly, what happened to bros first?! I’m sorry, I feel so offended that he’s actually wrecking our friendship because he thinks we like the same girl.’

  ‘Yes, that’s—’

  ‘And secondly,’ Charlie cut me off. ‘If he likes you so bloody much, why has he been going out with Anna this whole time?’

  My heart plunged.

  ‘Er, good question Charlie. You might actually know more than me about that.’

  He shrugged.‘I don’t, I’m sorry. He’s so cagey about it. I get snippets…’

  I raised my eyebrows, encouraging him to carry on.

  ‘I guess… I guess it might have something to do with that blog that went up last term. You really touched a nerve.’

  I winced. ‘Yeah, I know.’

  ‘But people make mistakes,’ Charlie went on. ‘Including him. He should have forgiven you and gotten over it. God, I’ve always kind of known he’s stubborn and pig-headed… but…never usually to me!’

  Charlie sniffed. I saw how much this was affecting him.

  ‘I’m sorry, Charlie,’ I said.

  He shrugged.

  Just as we were circling back towards the sixth form centre, Leon came out of it. He was with a big group of boys and dropped behind them to stare at us for a moment. Then he went all red and shuffled off with them.

  ‘Arrrghhhhhhhh!’ Charlie moaned, putting his head in his hands. ‘Now it’s going to be ten times worse!’

  ‘It’s OK,’ I said, patting him on the shoulder.

  ‘Where am I going to sit at lunch?!’ he wailed.

  ‘Um, you can sit with us,’ I said.

  I feel really bad. I feel like in making friends with me, Charlie’s lost Leon. Just like how I made better friends with Gracie and lost Steph. I genuinely thought ‘focusing on my friendships’ would give me such an easy term, but now that I think about it, there’s so much more room for complication. I mean, when you’re dating someone, you’re dating them and that’s it. The loyalty is pretty clear. With a group of friends you’ve got loyalties in all different places. Loyalties that can potentially conflict.