Beside Your Heart

by Mary Whitney

  “No, Nicki.” He shook his head. “Please. Please don’t shut me out again.”

  Was that what I was doing? He was right. But shutting him out was the safest thing to do.

  “I should go. We can talk later.”

  “I don’t want things ending like this today. Please let me give you a lift.”

  I knew if I said no to him things would be really bad the next time we talked—maybe irreversibly so. I nodded. “Okay. Thanks.”

  Silence stayed between us until we got to my house. From the corner of my eye, I could see his mouth was in a hard line. He was obviously thinking. When we pulled in the driveway, he turned off the car and faced me. “Please listen to me.”

  “Yeah?” What on earth was he going to say to make any of this better?

  “I really fancy you.” He shook his head just a little, as if it hadn’t come out right. Touching my hair, he sounded more sincere. “You are so special…and you’re so special to me—like no one else, not even Kate. Just being around you makes me happy.” With a guilty smile, he said, “That’s probably why I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

  He was so wonderful that I let out a giggle, but then his face became serious as he talked about what we never talked about: “But the fact is, I’m leaving in June.”

  I gulped at that. Obviously, he was letting me down easy, so I had to be tough, but I had no words. I could only muster, “I know.”

  “No, no! That’s not what I meant.” He craned his neck down to look me in the eye and tipped my chin up. “The last thing in the world I want to do is stop seeing you. I feel so close to you, and I don’t know what that means, but if we end it today, we’ll never know.”

  I took a deep breath before I responded. What could I say? I felt the same way, and I wanted to be honest. “Well, you don’t know how happy you make me. I feel…very close to you. I tell you so much, but I’m a mess, and I feel exposed. Don’t think it’s because I don’t like you when I act this way. I’m just trying to protect myself.”

  Adam laughed, breaking the ice. “Get yourself over here,” he said as he pulled me across the car and onto his lap. He moved the seat back so that I wasn’t crammed against the steering wheel. Before I could think twice, I put my head on his shoulder and into the crook of his neck. Then he kissed my forehead. “I promise to do my level best to not cause you any more pain. Kate is irrelevant. You’re the one I want to be with.”

  I could tell he meant it, so I whispered, “And I want to be with you.”

  I looked up to see his reaction. I only caught a glimpse of a smile before his lips hit mine. And what a kiss it was. If it was designed to make me feel special, it did the trick. I wanted him to feel just as special to me, so I placed a hand on the side of his face. The combination of his five o’clock shadow and kiss made him feel both manly and loving—just what I wanted in a guy. He responded to my hand with a soft moan, but he stopped the kiss after a moment.

  “Nicki, can we just not talk about my leaving in June? Can we bloody ignore it for a while?”

  “Gladly.” Until that afternoon, ignoring the reality that he would be gone all too soon had been working for me. I was happy to live in willful ignorance again.

  Adam told me he wanted to see me both days that weekend since he was traveling the following week. So that Friday night, he brought me over to his house, saying he had good news and bad news.

  “The good news is that my parents are at the opera, and it’s a really long one. The bad news is Sylvia is still home.”

  “But I like Sylvia.”

  “I like her, too, but she gets in the way.”

  When we arrived, Sylvia bounced across the living room. “Nicki!”

  “Hey, Sylvia.”

  “I just ordered pizza for us, but it’s going to take a while to get here.”

  “That’s okay. Thanks.”

  “In the meantime, come and see my room.” Sylvia took my hand and started tugging me upstairs.

  “Great.” I turned around to see Adam’s reaction. Rolling his eyes, he trudged along behind.

  Given that Sylvia rarely wore any other colors but black and white, I was prepared for a Goth room of band posters and crucifixes. What I wasn’t prepared for was the profusion of pink mixed in with it all. Her door should have tipped me off to Sylvia’s weird brand of Girly Goth. There was a Siouxsie and the Banshees poster on it, with her name written in cursive with pink puff paint on top.

  Inside her room, the largest Joy Division poster I’d ever seen was placed above her bed, which was covered in pink, frilly bedding. She had a large crucifix on her wall, but on it was a pink boa. In the corner of her room, there was an open pink parasol with an Asian bird design hanging from the ceiling. Sylvia did have flair.

  When I saw the easel and paints also in the corner, I said, “I didn’t know you painted.”

  “Yeah. I spend most of my time at the art studio at school.”

  “Wow.” I turned to look at Adam. “You’re such an artistic family.”

  He smiled shyly, but Sylvia laughed. “Adam? Artistic? You mean his goofy cartoons?”

  “I think they’re really good and clever.”

  “Let me show you some of my stuff.” Sylvia went toward some canvases—all with very abstract designs. “You’ll like them better than Adam’s.”

  “Shut it, Sylvia,” Adam said with a scowl. “Call us when the pizza arrives.”

  I followed his lead to his room, but not before smoothing things out with Sylvia. “You can show me later, okay?”

  “Brilliant!”

  I smiled to myself and whispered to Adam as we walked out. “Is she always this chipper?”

  “Chipper? Is that what you think she is? How about fucking annoying?”

  “She’s nice. Well, to me she is, but I’m not her brother.”

  “She wants you to be her friend as well.” He grabbed me by the waist. “I don’t want to share, though. Can I take you to my bedroom? I want to show you something.”

  “Sure.” His room again. Ugh. I was nervous considering what had happened there the other day, but he held my hand. After he closed his door, he took me immediately over to his drafting table. He took the bulletin board with the photos down and moved us over to sit on his bed.

  Pointing to the board, he said, “No more Kate. Okay? She should never have been there.”

  It was true. Kate had been eradicated from the board. He looked so contrite and honest, and I wanted to kiss him badly. I ran my fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry if I overreacted.”

  “Your reaction was completely reasonable. I’d be crushed if you had pictures of John up in your bedroom.”

  The grimace on his face gave me the nerve to bring up the question that had been eating at me since Wednesday. “So, you’re going to see her soon?” I held my breath as I waited for a reply.

  “Yes, but please don’t worry about it. Kate’s moved on, too. She’s seeing some new bloke I don’t know. I’ll probably see her when I go out with my mates. She’s just a friend now.” He waited a few seconds before adding with a smirk, “When I’m alone in my room, I think about you, not Kate.”

  Was it just that I wanted to believe him, or did I really think he was being honest? My gut said he was sincere. I smiled and asked playfully, “You think about me?”

  “Yes.”

  Adam inched toward me for a kiss, but I landed mine on him first. Maybe if I kissed him hard enough, things would be okay between us. By the way Adam responded, it must’ve worked; in no time, we were rolling around on his bed.

  The buttons on my blouse stayed closed for all of five minutes before he began unbuttoning them. I certainly wasn’t complaining. I was too busy nudging his thigh between my legs so I could rub myself on it.

  When Adam spread open my blouse, he grinned. “My map!”

  I rolled my eyes until I felt his lips on my torso. Oh my God. It felt good. Then he stopped kissing me and got this delighted smile when he saw I was wearin
g a front-closure bra. I only wanted to encourage him, so I said, “Let me do it,” as I popped it open and then wriggled out of it.

  With my breasts now exposed, he whispered, “You’re so beautiful, Nicki.”

  “Let’s take off your shirt, too. I liked that.”

  For a moment, I stepped out of my body and watched with some detachment as the perfectly sculpted, half-naked Adam Kincaid licked and fondled my breasts. But as soon as his mouth was on mine again, I was back in the moment, and he knew it. It was like he could tell I was frustrated rubbing against his leg, because without any hesitation, his hand wandered into my leggings and then my panties.

  I let out a little gasp when his fingers touched me. He asked huskily, “Is this okay?”

  “Uh…um.” I tried to be coherent. “Definitely okay.”

  “Then let’s do this.” He smiled as he tugged my leggings and underwear to below my knees.

  Yes, I was more naked than not on a guy’s bed with my ass bare and my legs spread open, but I didn’t care. I kissed him hard. His hand was now fully exploring all of me, and it was driving me nuts. After a few seconds, I think he got the lay of the land, as I felt a finger slip inside of me. I wasn’t sure why he groaned because I was the one who felt it in my core. Then I realized why—I was absentmindedly rubbing his erection through his jeans.

  Time passed without me knowing it as we fooled around. I hadn’t been with many guys, and those that I had certainly didn’t know the ins and outs of my body or I doubt any girl’s, for that matter. Adam plainly did. I was on fire, and in a minute my legs began to quiver. I had to grab hold of his comforter.

  Bucking my hips, I unintelligibly sputtered his name and some other gibberish about God or something, and my body rose into a wonderful orgasm. Afterward, it took me a minute to catch my breath and realize what had just happened.

  When I looked up at Adam, he was smiling at me with a mixture of surprise and pride. Unsure of what to say, I squeaked, “Hi.”

  “Hi, gorgeous.”

  It was stupid of me to be embarrassed, but I was. I kissed him immediately, just so that I didn’t have to talk. After that, though, I wanted to return the favor. Adam was kissing me forcefully, and my hand followed the hair on his body from the base of his neck down to the button of his jeans. When I started to unbutton them, he moved his hips so I could have better access.

  And then Sylvia’s voice could be heard from what had to be downstairs. “Pizza’s here! I’m setting the table.”

  In complete exasperation, Adam yelled, “Fuck!”

  Sylvia replied, “What?”

  “Nothing!”

  I felt badly for Adam, but I giggled. “We have terrible timing.”

  “Yes, we do.” He laughed as well. “See. I told you she’s annoying as hell.”

  Throughout dinner, the banter between Sylvia and Adam kept me laughing. At one point, he chided her about her grades, and she nonchalantly shot back, “Whatever. I can’t be bothered about school like you are.”

  “And your marks show it.”

  “Why are you so mean to me?” Then Sylvia turned to me and, obviously without thinking at all, asked, “It’s not right to be so mean to your siblings, is it, Nicki?”

  The funny thing was that I was ready to answer like any normal person would. I knew what it was like to have a sibling. It didn’t matter that Lauren was dead. I was fixing to make a joke like, Teasing should be encouraged. But before I could say it, I glanced at Adam, whose eyes had narrowed into a glare that went beyond sibling teasing.

  A mortified Sylvia apologized all over herself. “Oh, Nicki. I’m so sorry. That was awful. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to say something like that. I’m so sorry.”

  “Just shut the fuck up, Sylvia.” Adam’s eyes were still shooting daggers at her.

  I didn’t want this to become a bigger deal than it should have been. “No, no. I’m okay. It was funny, Sylvia. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Please forgive me.” She fidgeted with a look of dismay. “I can’t believe I said that.”

  “Really. No big deal. Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about what you like to paint.”

  With a hesitant smile, Sylvia began to slowly tell me about her love of Mark Rothko. I was only half-listening to her, though, because I looked again at Adam, who was still pissed. But when he caught me watching him, he smiled apologetically and found my hand for a quick squeeze under the table.

  That was when I figured it out: Adam wanted to protect me. Sure, he liked me the way high school guys like girls. Yet there was something else in the way he acted around me. It was like he felt some sort of responsibility for me. As my realization sunk in, I smiled right back at him and squeezed his hand. The last thing I wanted to do was discourage the feeling.

  Chapter 18

  “THAT’S IT,” TOM PROCLAIMED as he snapped a cap onto a marker, punctuating the loss for his team. “The next time we play this game, Nicki and Adam aren’t allowed on the same team.”

  Everyone in the room looked at Tom and then over to Adam and me. I sat there wondering how a game of Pictionary had caused such drama.

  “Why is that?” Adam asked, grinning at him. “Why can’t Nicki and I be teammates?”

  “It’s an unfair advantage.” Suddenly, Tom stopped being Tom the Actor and gave me a wink and a smile. “You both are repositories of useless trivia, and you seem to know what the other is thinking. I’m not going to lose again.”

  “It’s just that Adam draws well,” I said. Unfortunately, it sounded defensive. This was our first real outing as a couple with our friends, and with all the eyes in the room focusing on us, I was a little embarrassed.

  “No way. It’s not that simple. He draws something, you mumble an idea, he looks at you, and you blurt out the answer. You two are simpatico,” Tom said.

  Lisa looked at me and sniggered, apparently amused by Tom’s observation about Adam and me. I rolled my eyes in response, trying to deflect the attention away from us. In reality, I was tickled that someone had noticed. I was about to smile at Adam—to let him know how I really felt—but out of nowhere, his lips landed on my cheek.

  “It’s not a bad thing, Nicki,” he said, pulling away.

  Just as he always did, Adam made me forget myself. Ignoring all our friends, I gave him a quick kiss. “You’re right. It’s a good thing.”

  As I arrived at the lockers on Monday morning, the sight of Adam made me so giddy that I gave him a kiss on the cheek before we even said hello. His face lit up, and he wrapped his arms around me, lifting me off the ground.

  He whispered, “I missed you yesterday.”

  “And I missed you.”

  He put me down, and we reported to one another about our Sundays as we got our books. After a moment, he touched my shoulder and smiled down at me. “I need to see you this week before I leave on Friday.”

  When he said things like that, it was so difficult to know what to feel. The thought of him leaving made me sad, yet the fact that he was so adamant about seeing me made me happy. It was the conundrum of my life.

  Not wanting to dwell on it, I simply replied, “Sure. When?”

  “I’ve a French essay and a physics test this week. And, unfortunately, I’ve got to do well on it. I fucked up the one last month. Can I see you on Thursday?”

  “Sure.” A little alarm bell went off in my brain. “On Thursday, Mom won’t be home until really late. It’s her work holiday party; they always go out afterward. You should come over.”

  I was subtle, but Adam knew exactly what I was implying. We’d have whole night alone together—something we’d never done before. He just nodded and played with my hair. After a moment, he said with grin, “That sounds…nice. You know, it reminds me I’ve been meaning to talk with you about something.”

  “What about?”

  His eyes darted to the side for a moment like he was thinking, “Well, about that map I like so much…”

  “That again?” I
smirked. “I just don’t think that map is very interesting.”

  “Oh, I don’t know about that.” Adam chuckled. “My girlfriend and I had a very good time following it the other day.”

  I was stunned. Adam’s big smile seemed to have a taunt about it. We both knew what he’d said. My face was in flames. I didn’t know what to do, so I fixated on my locker combination for a moment.

  “So, do I know this girlfriend of yours?” I peeked over to him. “Would I like her?”

  He leaned against his locker, gazing at me with those light brown eyes. My heart couldn’t handle waiting for his response, so I stuck my head inside my locker. I couldn’t see him, but his voice had a smiling sound to it: “I believe you do know her. I like her…a lot…more than I think she knows.”

  Oh my God. Adam Kincaid really had just called me his girlfriend. Fortunately, he couldn’t see my mouth hanging open. I started to say, “I think…” and then I stopped because I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I didn’t even know what to think.

  After a few seconds, I heard him ask, “What do you think?”

  Closing my locker door, I breathed deep before answering, “I think you’re right. I do know her, and she’s just…” My voice was about to falter, but the glint in his eyes was reassuring. I happily admitted, “She’s crazy for you.”

  Internal cringe. I had just quoted a Madonna song to this beautiful new boyfriend of mine.

  Luckily, he didn’t seem to notice, as his smile became even brighter. He tucked some of my hair behind my ear and declared, “I’m glad to hear it’s mutual.”

  “You know, she’s happy to hear it, too.”

  Leaning down, he gently rubbed his nose against mine and whispered, “Good.”

  I held my breath, debating if I should give in to an overwhelming urge to crush my body and lips against his.

  He must have known what I was thinking, because he asked, “Is this an appropriate display of affection at eight in the morning in the middle of a school hallway?”