Par for the Course

by Ray Blackston

  *Contributed by Benny’s wife, a golf beginner currently residing in Charleston.

  First tee: In golf, the manicured turf on which a person strikes their first shot. In dating, the softly lit restaurant where dim lights hide the wrinkles and gray hairs of the person with whom you’ve been set up.

  *Contributed by Mrs. Dupree, currently raising a litter of long-haired brickettes in a swanky suburb of Charleston.

  Golf attire: For seniors—gaudy plaids and lots of polyester. For the younger, country club set—basic khaki pants and pastel all-cotton shirts. For hip-hop dudes—baggy jeans, NFL jerseys, and caps turned sideways. Oh, and a bit of jewelry, if one can afford it.

  *Contributed by Tongue Depressuh, 14-handicapper currently residing in a dorm room at the University of Florida.

  Hazard: Usually a pond or creek, sometimes surrounded by lush flora and breathtaking shrubbery. Also, allowing your daughter to date a guy with no job, little education, and no future.

  *Contributed by Mr. Roycroft, nursery owner and non-golfer, currently residing in Florence, SC.

  Penalty stroke: What anyone deserves who thinks that a one-sentence questionnaire asking who was the fifteenth President of the United States will help solve an arson case.

  *Contributed by Jonathan, arson investigator and newfound golf nut, currently residing in Charleston.

  Range hound: Someone who spends excessive amounts of time at the local driving range. Not to be confused with a bar hound, which is a guy who spends excessive amounts of time in various bars, hoping to meet the right woman; or a singles group hound, which is a guy who spends excessive amounts of time in various church singles groups, also hoping to meet the right woman.

  *Contributed by Jay Jarvis, 17-handicapper, currently residing in Ecuador.

  Red tees: The forward tees, where juniors can shoot lower scores on a shorter course and thus think they are better than they actually are.

  *Contributed by the conservative teenagers who do not dress conservatively.

  Scorecard: For a female, this is where she journals the events and happenings within a relationship. For a male, this is a card of eighteen little squares in which he pencils in his golf scores.

  *Contributed by Darcy, one half of the worst husband/wife golf team in history, currently residing in Greenville, SC.

  Tee time: That afternoon hour when British citizens who flunked spelling sit in their parlors and sip their favorite beverage.

  *Contributed by the Darwinist dude, 36-handicapper who hails from London.

  Trajectory: For women, the forward momentum of a relationship. For men, the forward momentum of a golf shot.

  *Contributed by Cack Pruitt, groundskeeper and master of the bullhorn, currently residing in Charleston.

  Triple bogey: Thinking that hosting political rallies at a golf range is a great idea.

  *Contributed by Chris, Molly, and Cack.

  Yardage markers: Occasions that mark significant forward momentum in a relationship, such as flowers in the first month, a necklace in the third, and an engagement ring in the sixth.

  *Contributed by Pauly Three Seeds, 8-handicapper currently residing in Mt. Pleasant, SC.

  CREDITS

  Lin Fore gave me a very informative tour of the Cape Romain National Wildlife Refuge. Lin guides in the coastal waters of South Carolina and has entertained my group of friends on several saltwater fishing expeditions.

  Joseph “Joey” Schooler, longtime friend and Charlestonian golf buddy, provided info. on insurance details.

  Various golf buddies encouraged me to write this story, including Ted, Charles, Jonathan, Josh, Jackson, Bruce, Joey, Tony, Sandy, Kati, Patrick, Mike H., Todd, Mike C., Senter, Geoff, and Matt K., who usually whiffs the ball because he prefers fishing and playing the guitar.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Ray Blackston lives and writes in South Carolina. He left the corporate world in 2000 to focus on creative writing. In 2003, his first novel, Flabbergasted, was one of three finalists for the Christy Award for best first novel, and was chosen as Inspirational Novel of the Year by the Dallas Morning News. More of Ray’s background is available at his Web site, www.rayblackston.com.