Every Inferno

by Johanna Parkhurst

  Lewis laughed. “It’s true. Lately all you want to do is hang out with that fag. And at least he used to be cool, but he doesn’t party anymore either. It’s like he turned you gay and you two decided to be nuns or something.” He cackled hysterically at that. “Gay nuns! Get it?”

  JJ’s spring coiled even more tightly. “What the fuck did you call McKinley?”

  Lewis shrugged. “He’s a fag. I mean, it’s not like he hides it or anything. And he’s okay, I guess, but he’s definitely a fag, I bet he takes it up the butt and everything—”

  JJ punched him in the eye.

  “Asshole!” Lewis grabbed his face. “What’s wrong with you, man?”

  “I’m a fag too!” And then JJ knew why they called it “falling off the wagon,” because it really felt like he was falling off something when he tipped the bottle back and the first drop of tequila hit his throat. He guzzled for several long moments before he ripped the bottle away from his mouth and yelled “And I don’t care if you know anymore!”

  Lewis just sat there, holding his face in one hand, his mouth half-open. JJ wasn’t sure if he was even sober enough to comprehend what JJ had just said. Lewis looked like he might be about to say something when JJ’s phone beeped, reminding him that he was due at the hospital for community service.

  “Shit! It’s already 3:30?”

  Now he was going to have to go to work buzzed. Oh well. Who cared? The afternoon was proving that there really wasn’t any hope for him, no matter how many sappy poems he wrote.

  LUCKILY JJ hadn’t had too much of the tequila, so no one at the hospital seemed to notice right away that he was swaying once in a while and hadn’t been able to properly hang up two clipboards.

  Until he ended up standing next to Jeremy at the nurse’s station.

  Jeremy was filling out some paperwork when he started sniffing the air around him. JJ felt his neck going a little red.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Jeremy asked quietly.

  JJ squinted up at him. “Huh?”

  Jeremy shook his head, anger filling up his features. “You may be able to fool everyone else with Altoids, but not me. Your eyes are totally unfocused, and I can smell the liquor behind the spearmint. How dare you to come work at this hospital drunk?”

  The next thing JJ knew, Jeremy was hauling him to his feet and dragging him away, calling out to JJ’s supervisor that he needed to borrow JJ for a moment.

  “Where are you taking me?” JJ hissed.

  Jeremy didn’t answer, but the button he pressed once he’d hauled JJ into the elevator made it perfectly clear: Dr. Ben.

  JJ wrestled out of his grasp. “Just get me fired, okay? Who cares? Tell my supervisor. I don’t have to be here, so who gives a shit?”

  “Oh no, you don’t.” Jeremy crossed his arms and glared at JJ. “I know you talked Ben into getting you this gig, and all he talks about lately is you. He thinks you’re some great kid who’s trying to get his life turned around and do better. Well, you’re going to look him in the eye and tell him exactly what you did today.”

  JJ’s eyes watered.

  Jeremy dragged JJ unceremoniously into Dr. Ben’s office, where JJ wound his hands together and tried not to throw up the tequila sitting in his stomach. He felt like he was back in the police station, waiting for Maggie to pick him up.

  He thought he’d come so far since then. Maybe some cycles really were unbreakable.

  Dr. Ben opened the door to the office. “Jeremy? Did you page me here? What’s going on?” He saw JJ standing there. “JJ, is everything okay?”

  When JJ didn’t speak, Jeremy growled, “He came to work drunk.”

  Ben scowled. “JJ? Is this true? Are you drunk?” Ben came to stand directly in front of him and sniffed. “I’m calling your aunt,” he said, shaking his head. “JJ, how could you do this?”

  And then the tears felt like they really were about to come, and Dr. Ben was looking at him just like Maggie had that day at the police station, and just like McKinley was going to look at him when he found out, ’cause there was no way he wasn’t going to, and like his parents would be if they were still alive, and the worst part of all was that JJ actually cared that Dr. Ben was looking at him like that and that Maggie and McKinley would be too pretty soon. Which really sucked, because JJ was sure he’d been right before: he couldn’t break the cycle himself; his only hope was to catch the arsonist. But he hadn’t been able to prove Lucas was the arsonist, and he probably never would figure out who had killed his parents, and the cycle was just going to keep going and going and going. He couldn’t stop it. But he could go back to not caring.

  “Fuck that,” JJ told Dr. Ben and Jeremy. “I’m outta here.” He started for the door.

  “Like hell you are,” Dr. Ben snapped. “You’re not going anywhere alone like this. Stay with him, Jeremy,” he added, and then left the room, cell phone in hand.

  JJ dragged himself to the couch in the office and sank into it. He thought briefly about trying to fight Jeremy to get out of the room, but that seemed a little dramatic, even for him.

  It didn’t seem like it had been nearly long enough when Maggie came charging into the office with Dr. Ben behind her.

  “JJ? What did you do?” Anger was practically radiating from her features. “Dr. Ben says you came to work… drunk? Is this true?”

  JJ didn’t answer.

  Dr. Ben sat down next to JJ. “JJ, does your aunt know everything that’s been going on with you?”

  “Some of it,” JJ mumbled.

  Maggie’s eyes widened at that. “What’s been going on, JJ?” she asked.

  JJ knew he’d been keeping a lot from Maggie, and he wasn’t even sure why. After all, she’d listened when he’d needed her to listen—gotten him a fast court date when he’d needed it to see Penny again, helped him ask Darryl if Lucas had the tattoo. Not to mention all the years before that when she’d stuck by him no matter how many bad school conferences and angry door slams she’d had to put up with. She’d given up so much for him.

  JJ thought that might actually be why he hadn’t said anything about the other stuff, like going into AA and dating McKinley. Even though Maggie had proven time and time again that she would stay loyal to JJ, the idea of disappointing her even more than he already had turned JJ’s stomach.

  Maybe it just wasn’t possible to not care about someone when all they did was care about you.

  All three of them were looking at him—staring, even. Maggie sank onto the other side of JJ on the couch, so it was like she and Dr. Ben had JJ surrounded, and Jeremy was standing across the room, watching the whole scene with a face so still that JJ had no idea what he could be thinking.

  And maybe that tequila hadn’t totally worn off, because suddenly JJ was crying. A lot. And talking.

  He was talking about drinking too much, and being with McKinley, and deciding to go to AA, and about finding Marnie Sanfras, and what she had told JJ and McKinley. “And then I got that D+ today,” JJ finished up. “I found Lewis. We went to the park. He had tequila… and he called McKinley a fag. I told him I was too.” He finished up the whole speech with his eyes on Maggie, thinking she—and maybe Dr. Ben too—would finally have to throw in the towel now, because how could any person possibly handle all that?

  Maggie just wrapped her arms around him, though. “Oh, sweetheart,” she whispered. “I am so sorry you’ve been carrying this around. I wish you’d said something.” She kissed his forehead. “JJ, I want you to be able to tell me anything. Just like you would have been able to tell your parents anything.”

  “Even all this?” JJ whispered. “Even that I like guys?”

  “Yes, JJ,” she said, squeezing his hand. “I am one hundred percent positive that they would have loved you no matter what.”

  “Even that I’m in AA?”

  “Especially that, JJ. Only I don’t think that would have happened if they’d been here.” She shook her head. “I’ve done a horrible job with you, JJ. I’ve let
you down so badly.”

  “No!” JJ was horrified. “Don’t say that, Mags! Don’t ever say that! I’m the one who let you down!”

  Then they were both crying, and it didn’t seem to matter much who had let who down.

  JJ had almost forgotten Dr. Ben and Jeremy were still in the room at that point, but Dr. Ben reminded him when he patted JJ’s shoulder and said, “So you joined AA?”

  “Kind of.” JJ smiled wryly. “I mean, I don’t have a sponsor right now or anything. I just go to the meetings. But I guess McKinley was kind of like my sponsor.” JJ’s face fell as he thought about telling McKinley what he’d done that afternoon.

  “And you told your friend you’re gay. JJ, that’s very impressive.”

  “After I punched him,” JJ admitted. JJ heard a strange sound from the other side of him and realized that, for the second time, he was hearing Jeremy laugh.

  “And you still believe Lucas could be the arsonist?” JJ was startled when Dr. Ben quietly asked the question.

  JJ sighed. “Probably not, I guess.” He snuck a glance in Maggie’s direction. “But I just can’t seem to stop thinking that he could be.”

  After a long moment of silence, Jeremy said, “I have to get back to work.” But before he left the room, he said, “Don’t come to work smashed again, and I’ll make sure no one finds out about this.”

  Dr. Ben stood up and stretched. “You know, JJ, I think we should stop and acknowledge something pretty impressive here: the fact that you came to work at all. After all, people make mistakes.” He locked eyes on the door Jeremy had just closed. “No one’s perfect, JJ,” he muttered.

  ON THE way home, JJ told Maggie a little more about his conversation with Mrs. Sanfras.

  “Mrs. Sanfras told McKinley and me that Lucas was in love with Mom. And that he was a little… messed up then. Are you sure he’s not the arsonist, Maggie? Like, absolutely sure?” JJ asked.

  “Yes,” Maggie said fervently. “But you’re not, and I want to value what you think. He gets his cast off soon, right before Christmas. I promise that if there is anything remotely strange about that process or how his hand looks afterward, I’ll look into this further with you.”

  JJ nodded. “Okay. I guess I can live with that. I mean, Christmas is coming up pretty quickly.”

  Maggie’s expression dipped. “Actually, I’ve been a little worried lately that he won’t even be here that long. He said he’s having a hard time getting any shows up here, and he’ll need to go back to his studio in Boston if he can’t find something soon.”

  JJ was surprised by just how sad she sounded. He’d been too busy being preoccupied with how dangerous Lucas could be to even think about him just straight up breaking Maggie’s heart. “Uh, sorry, Aunt Mags,” he said. But he could only worry about Maggie for a minute before his thoughts went back to the fire. What if Lucas left before JJ got to see his hand without the cast?

  Maggie shrugged. “It is what it is. He needs to work, and his buyers are in Boston.” She chuckled. “Just not enough rich folk around here, you know?”

  But it occurred to JJ that he knew at least one rich person in Moreville. And she was just bored enough that she might be willing to do something ridiculous like put on an art show so JJ could see a hand.

  It was a win-win idea, as far as JJ was concerned. If Lucas’s hand did have the paintbrush, then JJ could finally break the cycle. And if it didn’t? Well, at least, Maggie could stay happier a little longer.

  Chapter 12

  MCKINLEY: Where were u after school? U texted earlier?

  The text came in just after dinner. JJ was pacing his room, trying to work up the courage to text McKinley back.

  JJ: Home

  McKinley: U skip last period?

  JJ: Maybe.

  McKinley: Knew u wer trouble

  If only he knew.

  JJ: sorry

  McKinley: u okay?

  JJ: have to tell you something

  McKinley: ?

  JJ: I messed up

  McKinley:?

  JJ: I got a D+

  McKinley: Too bad. :) U will do better next time

  JJ: Pissed me off

  McKinley: That y you texted

  JJ: yeah, you were in class tho

  McKinley: sorry about that

  JJ: I went to the park with Lewis

  McKinley: WTF, JJ?

  JJ: i know

  McKinley: kid is bad news

  JJ: i know

  McKinley: next time wait for me ok

  JJ: i had tequila

  JJ: i’m really sorry

  JJ: like really really

  JJ: he called you a fag. i told him about me

  JJ: u there?

  But McKinley didn’t answer.

  JJ kept pacing, hoping desperately that the phone would buzz back. The spring was tighter than ever, but JJ was determined not to give in to it and go looking for alcohol. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to get any, anyway. If Lewis had told everyone in their group about what had happened at the park, there wasn’t going to be anyone left to party with.

  He circled the room, wheels turning. McKinley was gone. JJ had finally managed to ruin that. But Dr. Ben didn’t think he was a total lost cause, and Maggie still loved him. That had to be worth something, right?

  He just needed something else to do. Something else to think about. So he decided he might as well put his next plan in motion.

  He wasn’t totally truthful with Mrs. Somersville. He did tell her that he’d stolen her number from his aunt’s phone. He was just a little less honest about the reason why.

  “See, Mrs. Somersville, my aunt has started dating this guy, a painter. And she really likes him a lot. But he’s leaving, I guess because he can’t seem to get a show around here and he was doing pretty well where he used to live, in Boston and that area. So now he’s saying he needs to go back soon. I was thinking, though, that if you could help get him a show around here, maybe he’d stay awhile? At least through Christmas?”

  Mrs. Somersville was laughing halfway through JJ’s well-rehearsed speech. “Well, aren’t you a little matchmaker!”

  “I just want my aunt to be happy.”

  JJ didn’t feel too badly saying that, because it was at least half-true. If it turned out Lucas didn’t have the tattoo, JJ would be very happy to see him and Maggie live happily ever after.

  “Well, shows can be hard to come by, darling. But I do have lots of time on my hands these days, and a few friends….”

  JJ grinned triumphantly. He was going to see Lucas’s hand.

  When he clicked off the phone call and realized McKinley still hadn’t texted him back, JJ spent the next hour repeating that over and over in his head.

  HE KNEW the wheels had been set in motion when Maggie came bustling into the house for dinner a few days later with Lucas on her heels. “JJ, we have wonderful news!”

  JJ was cooking spaghetti. “Yeah?” He nodded at Lucas. Lucas didn’t spend much time at their house—he and Maggie usually went out, which JJ assumed was because Maggie knew how uncomfortable Lucas made JJ. Still, when Lucas and JJ did come in contact, JJ did his best to be as cordial as possible. JJ assumed Maggie and Darryl had never said anything to Lucas about JJ’s suspicions, because Lucas never acted strangely around JJ.

  “Lucas finally got a show! And you’ll never guess who set it up!”

  JJ tried hard to look confused. “Who?”

  “Do you remember that woman we met at the memorial that night? Mrs. Somersville? The one who was trying to set up more social events in this area? Well, it turns out she heard Lucas was in town, and she remembered his work from when she was living in Boston, and she got one of her friends who owns a local restaurant to agree to show Lucas’s work there over Christmas!” She clapped her hands. “Isn’t that wonderful?”

  JJ drained the pasta and pulled a grin onto his face. “That’s great, man. I guess that means you’re hanging around, then?”

  “Yes, it d
oes. At least until the New Year.” Lucas’s smile stretched a bit. “I am excited to get to spend more time with your aunt.”

  Maggie blushed red with excitement. “It’s going to be a great holiday this year, JJ. Not just you and me! Darryl’s invited us all over to her place for Christmas, and the show opens the day before Christmas Eve.

  “That’s great, Aunt Mags.” JJ went for the hug she was offering.

  “So, Lucas,” JJ asked nonchalantly, “that means you’ll be able to get the cast off and get some painting done here, right?”

  Did a shadow cross Lucas’s face, or did JJ imagine that? He couldn’t be sure.

  “Yes, JJ, it does,” Lucas said. “Right before the show.”

  And that was how JJ began counting down the days not until December 25, but until December 23.

  MIDTERMS WERE a lot easier when you actually studied for them. It was the twenty-second, the last day of school before break, and JJ just needed to get through this last school day to get to zero hour. Seeing Lucas With His Cast Off Day was what he’d been calling it in his head.

  First Day Without Fucking School might have also been appropriate. School had been rough ever since the tequila incident. McKinley hadn’t even glanced JJ’s way in over two weeks. JJ texted him for a while, trying to get a response, but McKinley never texted back. JJ tried a few times to work up the nerve to go talk to McKinley in the halls, but one look at the crowd of friends that surrounded him always had JJ backing off. It was clear that McKinley was really pissed, and JJ wasn’t sure McKinley wouldn’t put him in his place right in front of a crowd of people.

  Lewis had been really weird around JJ ever since that day. He never said anything about what JJ had told him in the park, and he and JJ still ate with the same crowd at lunch, but Lewis was constantly looking at JJ oddly—like there was something about JJ that he was trying to figure out. It had started making JJ so uncomfortable that he’d actually eaten lunch in the library a few times.