If You Want Me

by Cassi Carver

“Yeah, thanks. My grandfather built it.” He puffed up a little with manly pride to hear her say it. He’d wanted to marry this woman. He’d wanted to raise their child together. And a part of him wanted her to see the places he loved, like this lodge, and know that it would have been hers. Was that wrong? It wasn’t that he wanted to rub her face in it. It was just that he wondered if she ever regretted leaving him for that lacrosse bastard when that relationship clearly hadn’t gone anywhere. She would have been his queen.

  She handed him the slip of paper with the codes, and he punched them into the keypad, then pulled the Ferrari into the drive when the gate opened. He tried to see the house from her perspective and imagine what she might think. The lodge was made from rustic wooden logs and rounded stones. It was three stories with a deeply sloped roof, vaulted ceilings and a wraparound porch. It could sleep twenty comfortably and was great for hunting retreats, but he didn’t plan on inviting that many guys to Kyle’s getaway weekend.

  “Look at those wildflowers,” she said. He loved the feminine awe in her voice and wondered if she knew what it did to him. “I didn’t know the mountains had so much natural color during this time of year.”

  He nodded. “The gardener is away this week, but he brought in a crew to plant more native wildflowers in advance of Kyle’s party. See, I pay attention to how you do this party-planning stuff.”

  He parked the Ferrari near the front of the house, and she met his eyes. “Well I’m impressed, Ben. I really am. This lodge is gorgeous. The mountains, the trees. It’s so beautiful.”

  He jumped out of the car and opened Sara’s door for her. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Come on.” He felt a moment’s hesitation when he reached for her hand, waiting to see if she’d accept his touch or pull away, but she let him grip her fingers in his and pull her from the car.

  Ben fished the key ring from his pocket and found the one that worked the deadbolt on the front door. Once inside, he quickly rounded the corner to the sitting room and punched in the security code on a hidden panel. A voice came across a speaker. “Armstrong Security. Can you verify your name, please?”

  “Benjamin Swayne.”

  “And your personal password, Mr. Swayne?”

  He cast a sideways glance at Sara and hid his grimace, wanting to whisper into the mic. Instead he cleared his throat and said, “Peanut.”

  Maybe he should have changed that password long ago, but he never had. No matter what had happened with Sara, he couldn’t betray the memory of his unborn child like that. And he certainly hadn’t figured Sara would one day visit the lodge and hear the name he’d called their baby when she was only a few weeks along.

  Sara was used to grand homes and beauty. She’d grown up on the grounds of the main Ashford residence, after all. But this lodge was truly breathtaking, mostly because of the natural beauty all around them. She’d been completely distracted by all things Montana, until she’d heard that one word and felt her knees almost give.

  She still remembered, as clearly as if it had been yesterday, the day they’d snuck off deep into the Ashford gardens with a blanket and a picnic lunch. It had taken Ben about a week to adjust to the idea that Sara was pregnant, but that day, he’d laid the blanket down and Sara stretched out on top of it. He sifted his fingers through her hair, making the strands radiate around her head in “rays like the sun, only prettier” he’d said.

  And then he’d kissed a trail down her body and stopped at her stomach. “I was scared at first, Sara. Lord knows I was. But if I love this little peanut even half as much as I love you, I’m gonna be the luckiest father on earth.” And then he’d kissed her stomach and made the sweetest love to her, and for that moment in time, she’d actually believed everything was going to be all right. No, not all right…perfect. She’d thought their life together was going to be perfect.

  “I’m…uh…just gonna get our bags and put them in the den,” Ben said. “Then I’ll get a fire started.”

  She couldn’t make her lips work, so she nodded instead. He returned a few minutes later, and it wasn’t nearly long enough for her to get ahold of herself.

  “So…are you ready to see the best part?” Ben said lightly, as though he hadn’t just punched his fist through her chest.

  “Sure.” God, she prayed those tears in the corner of her eyes dried up before one splashed onto her cheek and ruined this façade that she’d worked so hard at constructing.

  He paused and stared at her for a second, his brows drawing down, but then he turned and walked through the house. “It’s this way…”

  She followed Ben out onto a large wooden deck and then stopped dead. What she hadn’t been able to see from the front of the house was that the back overlooked a breathtaking valley with a gently winding stream running through it. She put her hands on the railing and took in the beauty before her. Unable to stop them, tears ran down her cheeks full force. This was no dainty trickle. This was ridiculous. She had to stop. But instead, her lungs chose that moment to suck in a great, quaking breath.

  “Sara…” Ben was on her in an instant and took her by the shoulders. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think about the password, and when I set it up, I didn’t figure it would ever mean anything to anyone but me.”

  She just shook her head. “No, it’s fine, Ben. I’m over it.” But her heart didn’t agree. It was as if an earthquake had shaken loose her tightly constructed barriers and every single thing she’d been holding back was rushing over the crest of the dam.

  His eyes flashed with anger. “Oh, you’re over it? That’s good to know. Because I’ll never get over it. I figured you’d be all right though, when I came home to find you’d run off with another guy. I never doubted your resilience after that.”

  “Are we really doing this, Ben? Do you really want to go there?”

  He gripped her tighter. “I tried being your ‘friend’ for Kyle’s sake and not bringing up the past, but if you can stand there and tell me you’re over it—then screw you. I’ve waited eight years to tell you what I really think, and you can damn well listen to what I have to say. You were a faithless backstabber, Sara. You used me like one of your play toys, and you never had any intention of staying with me.”

  She shoved his chest and stepped back, still facing him. “Me? I was the faithless one? You were the one out partying all over France while I was still mourning.”

  “I already told you that I wasn’t driving the night of the accident. I barely knew Ian’s girlfriend. How can you accuse me of anything like that when you were engaged by the time I returned? You had to have been with that guy before I left. There’s no way you could have fallen in love that fast. No, I may be slow, but I’ve had years to figure this out. You were in love with him when you found out you were pregnant, right? When you lost the baby, you had your chance to be with him. And I was just the idiot who thought what we had was special.”

  “Who are you—the martyr saint of all philanderers? I lost my baby and you packed up and left while I was still recovering! What kind of monster does that? How dare you act like you were the offended party here, Ben!”

  He shook his head. His skin was bright pink and splotchy, the veins in his temples visible under his skin. When he smiled, it chilled her to the bone. “I tried telling you this at first, but eventually I was glad you never took my calls. It spared me from making a worse fool of myself. You want to know why I went to France, Sara?”

  She shook her head. What had started as tears for their peanut were now simply tears of raw agony. “I know why you went—because you were free of me. And you ran like hell.”

  “Not because I was free. Because I was dying inside. I was a fucking wreck. I didn’t think I was worthy of you or our baby. I wanted to prove to you and to myself that I could be the man you deserved. I went to my grandfather’s vineyard and worked the fields with the laborers, saving up enough money to buy you this—”

  He pulled the gold band from his pinkie and held it up. “I was going to ask you to m
arry me, and I wanted to show you that I could earn the money for your ring with my own hands. I had no idea that you’d replace me as soon as I boarded the plane.”

  Sara’s hand went to her chest. She couldn’t take her eyes from the gold band. “But you left me…” she whispered.

  “And what’s the last thing I said to you before I went?”

  “That I was your tesoro…your treasure. But then you and the baby were gone, and I was alone—inside and out.”

  He laughed bitterly and closed his fist around the gold band. “Well, come on now. You weren’t really alone, were you? What was his name again?”

  Sara stumbled to the railing and held on while her lungs tried to fill and she attempted to lock her knees to stay upright. What did it all mean? It didn’t make any sense. Ben had been working his grandfather’s fields because he wanted to prove he could provide apart from his family’s money? He wanted to propose when he returned, even knowing he was no longer tied to her by their unborn child?

  She swallowed and swiped at her wet eyes, then turned to him and wrapped her hands around her middle. “He was only a friend.”

  Ben smiled and narrowed his glistening eyes. “No, you don’t have to say that. We can clear the air like adults and move on for Kyle’s sake. You can admit you never loved me. You can finally give me the fucking closure I deserve.”

  She was shaking head to toe now, and her hands wrapped around her torso felt run through with pins and needles. “I made the engagement up to get back at you. He was only a friend. I never even kissed him. I never wanted to. You were my everything. When I saw you in the paper after not hearing from you, I lost all hope. And after losing the baby, it was just too much.”

  He buried his head in his hands. “What are you saying? You were trying to hurt me…trying to get even with me?”

  She simply nodded.

  He dropped his hands and swallowed. “Well, it worked. You got even, querida. I was a fucking stupid kid and I shouldn’t have left, but you got even. I didn’t think I’d make it after we lost the baby, but working the fields for you made me feel alive again—until you eviscerated what was left of me.”

  He turned and walked down the steps leading to the stream, and Sara watched him go.

  Chapter Eight

  Ben stopped at the edge of the stream and stared out at the darkening sky. She’d made up everything about that dickhead and her engagement to him? He couldn’t conceive of it. She hadn’t even allowed Ben to explain. She’d walked away from what they had without a fight to save their love.

  On one hand, he knew it must mean something that she’d said he’d been her everything and she hadn’t cheated. On the other hand, she’d walked away and never looked back. She’d been engaged since then, too, and that one sure as hell had been the real thing. He’d burned for Sara—his body, his mind, his anger—for all these years, and she’d simply thrown it away.

  “Ben.”

  He stiffened when he heard her behind him. “What?”

  “Look at me.”

  He couldn’t force himself to face her. He wasn’t ready. So much pain, so much guilt…so much hatred toward himself for not being the man she needed.

  “I was nineteen years old,” she said. “I made so many mistakes. But I wanted you, Ben. I wanted you to be the father of my children. Not just our peanut¸ but every child after, too. I wanted to be your wife. I didn’t know you wanted the same thing. How could I when you left me?”

  “You weren’t the only young one. I was twenty-one, Sara. I never knew you’d take it as abandonment. It seemed like some epic soul-searching journey. I thought it would make me a better man—for you.”

  “You didn’t need to become a better man. I wanted the one right in front of me.”

  His fingers curved into his scalp like an eagle’s claws, and he shouted into the valley, “Fuuuuck!” He waited until he could speak without screaming like he wanted to. “You could have taken my calls.”

  “I know.” She reached for his arm and tugged him gently until he turned to her. “I’m so sorry.”

  “You gave up without even fighting for us.”

  “I didn’t realize there was anything left to fight for,” she answered. “How I chose to get back at you…I was so wrong, and I’m sorry.”

  He cupped her chin, his fingers shaking. He wanted to crush her to him and never let her go again. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I should have beat down your door. I should have—”

  “Ben—” she took his face in her hands, “—we can’t go back. Everything we should have done. Everything we shouldn’t have. That was a long time ago, and we can’t change what happened. Honestly, just to know that you wanted me—it’s enough. I’ve been angry for so long. I haven’t been able to trust any man since you. Just to know you were coming back for me…thank you.”

  He was a dumbass. They couldn’t just pick back up where they’d left off, right? So why was he as desperate for her now as the day he’d lost her? He nodded and kissed her palm, closing his eyes to inhale her scent while she was this close. “I guess you’re right. We can’t go back. But at least we can be friends now, right? I mean, really friends again. You can forgive me?”

  “Yes,” she answered. “And I would love to be your friend.” When she leaned in and kissed his cheek, it was so soft and sweet. Her breath lingered against his skin. Did she kiss all her friends like that or could there still be hope for them?

  Sara pulled away because she was dangerously close to moving just an inch to the left and kissing Ben’s full, firm mouth. She wondered if he would let her. Last night had been a beautiful dream come true, but when she awoke, Ben had acted as though he hadn’t had his tongue all over her sex just a few hours before. She wasn’t sure what to expect with him anymore, and she couldn’t risk it.

  “Will you walk with me, friend?” He extended his hand to her, his smile tentative.

  Sara pressed her lips together and took his hand. “Absolutely.” Even this small concession was a miracle. She’d loved and hated this man more than any man she’d ever known. Just to walk beside him and feel his big, warm hand on hers was a wonder, and there was no use pretending anymore that she was simply doing this for Kyle. “So it was never weird between you and Kyle after what happened?”

  They strolled beside the stream as the sun began to set over the mountains, turning the wispy clouds over the peaks into a palette of lavender, blue and orange. Ben grasped her fingers tighter and led her over a path of rocks that crossed a shallow section of the stream. “It was weird for me, but Kyle never suspected my depression had anything to do with you. He figured it was the accident.”

  “Your…depression?”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s what you’d call it. There were times right after I came home from France when I didn’t think I could get out of bed. I didn’t know if I was coming or going, and I couldn’t tell a damn soul.”

  His words hit her friendly façade like a rock through a plate-glass window. What had she done to this man? Was the word sorry ever going to be enough?

  “How was it for you?” he asked. “Did Kyle ever suspect anything was up?”

  Sara shook her head. She felt even worse for what she was keeping from Kyle now than she had back then. At least the baby had been her and Ben’s secret. What she was hiding now would affect them all. “I had to come up with some reason for why I was on bed rest. Turns out it was the worst case of fictional stomach flu I ever had.”

  He blew out a breath. “I wished you would have let me go home from the hospital with you. I felt so powerless letting you go like that. I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t even be there for you when you needed me.”

  “There was nothing you could have done at that point, and sneaking you into my room would have gotten us caught. We hadn’t even told people we were dating, and I didn’t want them finding out because of a miscarriage. I was ashamed, I guess. I always felt like people expected better from me than a teen pregnancy.”
>
  “They would have loved you anyway. And it would have been one less burden to bear in silence.”

  The past and present were whirling in Sara’s mind. So many mistakes, some of which she was repeating now, wasn’t she? “Maybe you’re right.”

  She swallowed. Could she trust Ben with this?

  Yes, she’d never been surer of anything.

  “You know that saying about confession being good for the soul? Well, the past couple of months have been…”

  “What’s been happening in the past couple of months?” When Ben looked down at her, she bit her lip. “Are we still talking about the miscarriage, querida?”

  Sara let her gaze travel over the clouds. “No, not exactly.”

  “You can tell me. I hope you know that no matter what passed between us, I will always be there for you. You can trust me.”

  The way he talked about trust, Sara could tell he needed her to trust him as much as she wanted to lean on him in this moment. “It’s just something about Kyle…about the whole family, actually.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know. It’s…uh…”

  “Come on, Sara. After what we just talked about, what could be possibly any worse? Just tell me.”

  Sara stared straight into his eyes and dropped the bomb. “Kenton Ashford is my father. I guess that makes Kyle my brother.”

  In any other circumstance, Ben’s openmouthed astonishment might be funny. But not right now. “What the hell are you talking about? You and Kyle—brother and sister? Kenton Ashford and your mom had an affair?”

  “Eww… Please don’t say affair. I just can’t imagine it. Say an indiscretion or something.”

  “Kenton Ashford indiscreeted your mom?”

  That didn’t help at all. “That’s what she tells me. And if you think about the fact that Mr. Ashford allowed my family to live on the grounds and paid for my schooling, how else can you explain all that with a coldhearted bastard like him? Charity? He never paid for my older brother’s schooling. But that’s because Javier was the son of the man who I thought was my father.”