They put her back in her bed, and as evening rolled in she told everyone that she needed to be alone and asked that they come back in the morning.
When her room was empty, Kenisha tightened her grip on the angel Jamal had given her and then turned her face toward heaven and smiled."I got to spend Christmas with my family," she told the Lord as if He didn't already know it."Thank You for helping me find a wonderful home for my children, but now I need a home. I've never really felt like I was special or that I really belonged anywhere." Kenisha could feel her body giving out, so she knew the end was near. Deidre had helped her believe that God loved her, and now she wanted God to know that she loved Him."I know now that, just as it wasn't my fault what happened to Dynasty, what happened to me wasn't Your fault, either. And I'm so sorry for blaming You. Please forgive me for everything I've said or done to You or anyone else, and allow me to live in heaven with You forever."
The call came at five in the morning. Deidre called Aisha to make sure that the people at hospice had notified them—they had. She ran around the room frantically grabbing a shoe here, a sock there. She pulled on a pair of jeans and then threw on a sweater. Johnson grabbed her and pulled her into his arms. Holding her close, he said, "It's going to be all right, baby."
Deidre couldn't hold back the tears. She cried in his arms as she admitted, "This is hard, Johnson. This is so hard."
"I know, baby, but we've just got to believe that Kenisha will be out of pain and in a better place soon."
"Will she, Johnson? That's what worries me the most. I've been trying to help Kenisha accept the Lord as her Savior, but it hasn't sunk in yet. I'm afraid that it might be too late now."
"Where is your faith?" Johnson asked as he left the room to go wake the kids up.
"He's right," Deidre told herself."God can do the impossible, and I just need to keep the faith." Deidre helped Johnson get the kids dressed and rushed them to the car.
Once they were in the car and headed to the hospital, Deidre decided to make one more phone call. When Dwayne Smalls picked up, sounding groggy and like the world was bothering him, she said, "This is your last chance. You need to get to the hospital to see your daughter now or regret it for the rest of your life." She hung up, hoping that he would do the right thing.
Deidre tried to remain calm, but then she heard Jamal's soft sobs."We'll be there in a minute, Jamal. Your mama is waiting to see you."
"What if she dies before we get there? I forgot to tell her that I loved her yesterday," Jamal said with regret in his voice.
"She knows, baby," Deidre said, trying to comfort the boy. But she knew how he felt. She hadn't had much time to talk to Kenisha yesterday, either. Deidre's prayer now was that God had had a chance to talk to her.
When they arrived, Johnson and Deidre helped the kids out of the car. They ran down the hall toward Kenisha's room. When they opened the door, Deidre noted that Martha, Aisha, Kevin, and Angelina were standing around Kenisha's bed praying.
Angelina was leading the prayer."Lord, I am thankful that You have allowed me to get to know You while I live here on earth, but I'm asking You to receive my sister, so that she can meet You face-to-face. In Jesus' name I pray, amen."
"No!" Jamal shouted."Stop praying over her like that." He pushed his aunts aside and stood next to his mother's bed. Kenisha's breathing had slowed, and she looked as if she was only half with them. But Jamal wasn't ready. He had to stop this . . . this dying that his mother was doing, so he blurted out, "Don't die, Mama. I swear I'll stop going to church if you just don't die."
Somehow Kenisha found the strength to turn to her son. She wearily put her hand to his mouth and painstakingly said, "Don't . . . say . . . things like that. I made my . . . peace with God. Make your peace . . . Meet me on the other side."
Hearing her friend's confession of faith, Deidre stepped closer to the bed. She put her hand on Kenisha's shoulder and said, "Thank You, God. Thank You."
As though looking far off, Kenisha said, "Not . . . caterpillar. Got my wings."
Tears bubbled in Deidre's eyes as she remembered the day Kenisha had told her that she felt like an ugly caterpillar but had dreamed of becoming a butterfly. The journey this caterpillar had taken in order to get her wings had been a hard one. But she would suffer no more."Then fly away, my friend. We will meet again some day, I promise you."
As Deidre said those words, the door to Kenisha's room opened and Dwayne Smalls entered. He walked over to Kenisha's bed with hat in hand and tears streaming down his face.
"D . . . daddy," were the last words Kenisha said as her chest heaved, and then she died with a smile on her face.
EPILOGUE
Come up here and be my beloved."
Kenisha heard the words, but wasn't sure who had said it. Her body was on the bed, and her family stood around her crying. She wanted to tell them to stop crying over that body on the bed, because she wasn't there anymore. She was right here, only she didn't know where "here" was. And then as if someone was serenading her, she heard the words again.
"Come up here and be my beloved."
She turned toward the voice, and then as if she had wings, she began to move up higher and higher until there was no comprehension of height. When she stopped moving, Kenisha found herself standing before the most magnificent, pearlladen gates, and as she stepped forward, the gates opened.
At first she didn't want to go in because she was selfconscious about being in her hospital gown, but then she remembered that Aisha had combed and brushed her hair, so she didn't feel like a total freak. As she entered the gates, Kenisha was swept away in an overwhelming feeling of love. She marveled that any single place on earth could make her feel this wonderful. And that's when she remembered, she wasn't on earth anymore—she was in heaven.
Two women walked over to her. One smiled at her as she helped Kenisha out of her hospital gown. The other woman helped her put on a white robe, which was brighter than any white she'd ever seen before. Directly behind the pearly gates was a massive space where a cushion of snowy-white clouds caressed the feet of its occupants. The tree of life stood bold and beautiful in the middle of the outer court. Its leaves were a heavenly green, and she knew its fruit was succulent and enjoyed by all. Sweet, blissful music could be heard throughout the great expanse of heaven. It was the harp, but it was better than any harp on earth; it was the guitar, but it was better than any guitar on earth.
There were thousands upon thousands of people moving through the joys of heaven, clothed in glistening white robes, and with bare feet. But what struck Kenisha was how happy and contented everyone seemed. There didn't appear to be any boogiemen in heaven. For the first time since she was a small child, Kenisha let her guard down and enjoyed the beauty of her surroundings without wondering what might be lurking just around the corner.
During her first days there she walked around heaven, taking in as much as she possibly could. There was just so much to see, and all of it was good. Just about everywhere she went, there were fields and fields of beautiful red flowers, which represented the blood Jesus shed for the sins of the world. Some days Kenisha walked through those fields of flowers. Other days she danced through them with the joy of a blood-bought servant of Christ.
One day as she was taking her walk through the field of flowers, an angel came to her and said, "Come with me. The One who was, and is forevermore, would like to see you."
If Kenisha had seen an angel on earth, she probably would have run the other way. But she wasn't afraid of these mammoth-sized beings now, because she saw them everywhere she went. She talked with the other occupants of heaven all the time, but she didn't get to speak with the angels much, because they were busy with their God-given assignments. So to be walking with an angel made Kenisha feel special.
In truth though, she found something that made her feel special every day. Like the time she visited the room of tears and discovered that she had been on God's mind. Even when she was going through her darkest
moments, the Lord had cared enough to bottle her tears. The day when she had joined the praise choir had been pretty special also. Kenisha had never imagined that she would one day be singing praises to God, but she was and she enjoyed it.
The door to the Holy Place was opened, and the angel stepped aside. Her Lord stood up and held out a hand to her."Come to Me, beloved."
There were those words again. Whenever she heard them, it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket, for she truly felt loved. She walked toward the throne of grace and bowed down before her King.
The Lord asked, "Have you been happy here, beloved?"
Still on her knees, she lifted her head and responded, "So very, very happy. Thank You for allowing me to come here with You."
"I want to show you something." As the Lord Jesus said those words, the clouds parted, and Kenisha was allowed to see her children. They were in the backyard, laughing and playing on a swing set. The one thing that struck her was the fact that there was no snow on the ground. With a raised brow, she looked toward her Lord.
"Yes, beloved, you have been gone for several months."
He answered her question without her even having to ask. Kenisha was amazed that she had been in heaven so long. It had felt like no time at all. Her eyes focused on the house. She saw Deidre in the kitchen, standing at the sink washing the dishes while she looked out the window in order to watch the kids play.
Johnson walked into the kitchen and came up behind Deidre and kissed her neck. She turned around, and Kenisha's eyes widened. Deidre was very, very pregnant.
Kenisha was happy that Deidre had finally conceived a child. But in truth, she felt sorry for all the people she had left on earth, because they wouldn't be able to dance through the fields of blood-red flowers as she did every day.
Discussion Questions
1. In the beginning of the book the reader discovers that Deidre is keeping a secret from her husband. That secret nearly destroys their marriage. Do you think it is ever okay for spouses to keep secrets? If so, why?
2. Life was hard for Kenisha Smalls, but it became worse after she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Did reading Kenisha's story make you question God as she did? If so, what answers did you come away with?
3. Deidre Clark-Morris and Kenisha Smalls live in two different worlds, but their shared heartache and pain bring them together. The two women get to a point in their friendship where they stop judging and learn to accept each other, flaws and all. Have you ever judged the outward appearance of a person without taking the time to discover who they really are? How do you think God feels about our ability to judge the very people he is trying to deliver and set free?
4. Kenisha blamed herself for her sister's death and thought that cancer was her punishment from God. What do you think? Does God punish us with sickness and disease?
5. Deidre knew she couldn't have children but she was resistant to Johnson's suggestions about adopting. What do you think was holding Deidre back?
6. Deidre kept trying to get Christ's message of love and redemption across to Kenisha, but Kenisha wasn't receiving that message. Do you think Kenisha had a hard time receive such a message from Deidre because of the deceptive way Deidre treated her relationship with Johnson? Or do you believe Kenisha wouldn't have been able to receive this message of hope from anyone until the time was right?
7. In the end, Kenisha discovered the great reward that is promised to those who love God. She was in no more pain—only joy filled her days. Did this help you to see that even though God's ways are different from our ways, the end result is better than we could ever imagine? Or would you have preferred a different ending to this story?
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