A Magnetic Couple Dilemma (Unfinished Liaisons Series)

by Rorrete, Naaju

  Javier and Diego finished playing their small concerto, and the lady of the house asked Javier to improvise something by himself. He interpreted Albinoni's adagio and everybody but Doña Elvira applauded. Since she didn't, the others stopped at once. She spoke, looking at Javier with those inquisitive dark eyes.

  "That's all your repertoire?"

  "No, ma'am, I had more pieces similar to this one."

  "Do you have anything more classic?"

  Before Javier could answer, Esteban intervened, "Grandma, I think that's enough."

  She looked at Esteban silently and ignored his comment, going back to Javier.

  "Is there anything else you can interpret for me?"

  Javier knew she was pushing him, but that was nothing compared to what Luis Lozano, his father, had done all his life.

  So he delivered. "Yes, there is a piece I've been practicing in case I have to audition. Please allow me to perform it for you."

  She simply waved her hand, and he refused to look at Esteban, because he needed all his concentration for this one.

  It was one of the most difficult concerts for a violinist to perform, and he had worked very hard on it, but it wasn't perfect yet. His hand trembled a little when he positioned the bow, but once he started to play, he closed his eyes and forgot anything except the music.

  Tchaikovsky violin concerto meant so much to Javier. It had been written by Tchaikovsky with the collaboration of his lover, Iosif Kotek, a violinist, who because of the time they lived, refused to accept Tchaikovsky's dedication of the concerto, or to play it in public. The concerto would be the only one Tchaikovsky wrote for violin. And Javier considered it an example of something magnificent inspired by forbidden love, and created by two men that had to hide their feelings.

  Javier chose the allegro moderato because he could play it without reading the music, and it usually impressed anybody who listened to it. He played for about four minutes, and since he only knew the part of the concertmaster, he stopped right where the orchestra would have joined him.

  After he stopped, there was a deep silence in the room. He opened his eyes and found Esteban staring at him in awe, as the rest of the members of the family, including Doña Elvira broke the silence applauding.

  Javier briefly bowed from his seat, and after the room became silent again, Doña Elvira told Javier, "You're a virtuoso, Javier Lozano."

  She extended her hand and Javier wasn't sure if he should kiss it or shake it, so he simply grasped it and briefly shook it. She smiled for the first time and said, "Welcome to our family."

  After that, all the other women were all over her, and Diego pulled Javier to the side.

  "You did it! That was amazing. You're in."

  "What?"

  "You're part of the family. Ask for anything, and they will help you get it."

  Well, the only thing he really wanted from the Hidalgos probably wasn't for the taking, and it had a name, Esteban Hidalgo, who remained away from him to Javier's dismay. The game of hiding wasn't for him, he understood that if these people knew what he felt for Esteban or what Esteban could feel for him, they would despise him, but hiding his feelings was something he didn't like doing.

  The next afternoon Esteban sent Javier a text message, asking him to meet him at his place after work. When Javier came back from the foundation, he kept going upstairs.

  "I'm so glad to see you alone again."

  Javier couldn't hide his excitement while Esteban's expression was stern and controlled as usual. Javier didn't care, he placed both hands around Esteban's neck while his warm lips were feathering kisses over his mouth. Unexpectedly Esteban pulled him against his body, and started meeting him kiss for kiss, until Javier decided that it was time to deepen the caress.

  The tip of his tongue taunted the seam of Esteban's lips, until he parted them, letting him explore his mouth. It took only a brief stroking to get Esteban's tongue engaged with his. Well, Esteban knew how to kiss, what else could he possibly know; Javier couldn't wait to find out.

  His hand and hips were joining the passionate encounter as he pulled the front of Esteban's shirt out of his pants, putting his hand under it and feeling the firm abdominal muscles. Great. He had nice abs, firm without the bulking of a workout maniac. Javier slipped his hand beyond Esteban's bellybutton encountering a dusting of hair under his fingers, and held his breath anticipating what he was about to touch, but the only thing he felt, was Esteban's hand firmly stopping him.

  Javier broke the kiss to look Esteban straight in the eyes.

  "Why? Is because of the HIV?"

  "No. It's better if we stop this here and now. No more sexual references Javier, and no more kisses."

  "Why do you want to stop now? Are you trying to play hard to get?"

  "Of course not! Forget the attraction between us. It only exists in your mind."

  "And this is my imagination too?"

  Javier pointed his index to Esteban's obvious hard bulge between his legs. Esteban shifted the weight between his feet, as if with it he could get the hard-on to go away.

  "Javier, there is no point denying it, because you already guessed it."

  "Your lack of experience? There is always a first time for everyone!"

  Esteban held Javier's gaze when he said. "That's the problem. I've been thinking as I told you, what to do about us. I want that experience to be unique, with someone special, someone I really love. Not some casual liaison."

  Javier blurted with the frustration he felt, "I don't intend some casual liaison. If you make love with me, I promise I'll do my best to make it special."

  Again with a stern voice, Esteban told him, "I don't want to get involved with someone as young as you. I think you should find love with someone closer to your age. That's what I wanted to tell you, Javier. Don't wait for me in case you've been doing that."

  Javier was able to hold his gaze afterward for only a few seconds. This could not be happening to him. He'd never felt this way. Never. A simple touch could send him to heaven, and when it was gone, he plummetted to hell.

  ****

  Esteban witnessed how Javier's eyes were bright, as if Javier were teary eyed, but he couldn't confirm it, because Javier turned around.

  Too late, Esteban realized how hard those words had been on Javier. Even to him they had been hard to say. He got close to him and tried to put a hand on his shoulder, Javier shook it off almost violently. Still without looking back, he said with a broken voice.

  "No! I've had enough of your merciful touches. I guess it should have been hard for you to kiss a HIV positive person. Stupid me!"

  Esteban didn't expect Javier's pain would hurt him too, but it did.

  "Javier, this has nothing to do with you being HIV positive, it's because of the differences between us. You're a talented musician that one day will be traveling the world with your music. You're too young to be involved in a relationship with someone like me, someone who right now can't offer you anything."

  "How could I ever think you would feel the same for me? Diego is so right. I guess he knows you really well!"

  "Did you talk with Diego about us?"

  "There is not an 'us'. This is a misunderstanding which only exists in my mind, correct?"

  "Javier, are you crying?"

  "Of course not, I don't cry, and I'm not going to begin now."

  "What did Diego say to you?"

  "Diego said that you would never accept a relationship with me, and that you would hide me more than Mauricio did. He also thinks that the age difference is important, and that you wouldn't take me seriously."

  Esteban shook his head, and regardless of Javier's struggles, put his hands on his shoulders. Javier stopped struggling, and allowed Esteban hands on him, while staring at the skies in the window in front of them, without seeing anything.

  "Javier, I didn't explain myself properly. The reason I wanted to talk with you today, is because I've been thinking about our situation carefully, and deciding what to
tell you has not been easy."

  He paused, and Javier didn't move, so Esteban continued. "I can't be the lover you want, but we could be friends."

  Javier chuckled. "Friends? I have too many already. Besides, I can't be your friend. Why is it so hard to understand what I want from you?"

  "Javier, I do enjoy talking with you. And since we must continue seeing each other because of the foundation, it's better if we are friends."

  Javier stiffened. "That wouldn't be necessary, I've been offered a position with the Philadelphia's Center City Orchestra, and I'm taking it."

  Suddenly, Esteban knew he didn't want to really let him go.

  "Please don't go unless you really want it. Your presence it not a problem for me, like I said, I want your friendship."

  This time Javier turned around and shouted, "And I want your love!"

  He had been crying. Esteban was surprised to confirm the tears still rolling down Javier's sad face. He looked so vulnerable, and precious, that without thinking Esteban raised a hand to wipe away some tears. When Javier felt the contact, he withdrew like it burned.

  "You know what, Esteban. Even if you don't love me, I want you to fuck me, yes, that's what I want the most from you."

  After a few seconds of staring at Javier's heaving figure, Esteban remarked. "I'm sorry, Javier, but friendship is all you can have from me."

  Javier went to full sarcastic mode. "Would you like us to exchange little romantic letters too? Another twenty years of those?"

  Esteban couldn't believe he was going there, so he simply answered, "No, times have changed."

  "Great. Maybe we can e-mail one another, or even better, we can send texts to each other. Safe enough, Esteban?"

  When Esteban's mouth became a thin line and he didn't say anything. Javier kept going.

  "Before you told me, 'I'm not Mauricio'. Guess what? I'm not Mauricio either!"

  Esteban felt the rage slowly replacing the passion that had overwhelmed him before.

  "I would appreciate if you never mock the correspondence I exchanged with Mauricio. Because you have no idea of how important those letters were for me."

  "I guess the illusion of having an affair with Mauricio helped you to stay celibate, right."

  "That's none of your business." Esteban nearly growled and Javier looked at him provocatively.

  "I'm tired of being your favorite charity. I'm leaving now, and if you ever call me back, you know what I want."

  Esteban muttered. "I'm sorry Javier. This was doomed from the beginning."

  Esteban watched him as he left, hating himself for not accepting Javier's love, when for the first time, he had found someone he really was intrigued with. Someone he would do anything to discover, and explore in a very intimate way. Will he lose him to a younger love like he lost Mauricio to Javier? Irony of ironies, he was walking the same path once again, but for some reason, this time it hurt more, and the attraction was irresistible.

  He truly had thought about a possible future with Javier, but due to their current situation it was cruel to tie the young man to him. Especially after witnessing how talented Javier was, even if it caused him pain, he had to set him free.

  The sensation of Javier's lips on his lasted days, and Esteban couldn't stop thinking about Javier. Especially during the nights, he'd felt his presence. He quivered all over, and he opened his eyes. This had never happened to him before. What was this strange feeling that moved every inch of him until settling on his groin? He was hard, and he hated to be aroused. For years he'd accepted the church's idea of self-pleasuring as being a form of self-abuse. If one did it willingly, it was considered a mortal sin. In the past, he resisted doing anything about it unless he could not control it anymore. Tonight, he didn't have a choice, unless he wanted to call Javier back. No, that was not an option either.

  He lifted his hips from the bed and pulled down his pajama pants until his cock throbbed and bobbed free. He gasped, spreading the warm wetness of pre-come leaking from the slit and stroked the length of it frantically until he settled for a quick rhythm, as his palm rubbed up and down the smoothness of his shaft.

  "Javier, what have you done to me?" He yelled into the empty room and nearly convulsed while coming.

  Chapter 8

  One night a few weeks later, Javier knocked on Esteban's door and walked in barefoot. Esteban frowned, looking at his feet. "Where are your shoes?"

  "I didn't get them because I jumped out of bed in a hurry."

  "It's still cold to go around like that, here, you can have my slippers, I'll put some shoes on."

  Javier followed him to the bedroom, and watched him changing his shoes after handing Javier a pair of socks from a drawer.

  "Why did you leave in a rush? A nightmare?"

  "Nearly. Raul is downstairs."

  "What?"

  Esteban was heading for the door, but Javier put his palm over his chest stopping him.

  "Wait! I reacted the same way, and went to see what was going on when I heard their voices."

  "Where is Carly?"

  "She's with her mom tonight."

  "Okay, but Raul and Diego can hurt each other."

  Javier hesitated, but finally said, "I've never heard of anybody hurting another while kissing."

  Esteban froze in awe. "You're kidding me?"

  "No. Why do you think I'm here? I would have never left Diego alone if they were truly fighting, but they are not."

  Esteban sat on the bed. "Kissing?"

  "Yes, old fashioned French kissing. When I heard a silence I went to see if they had knocked each other out, but no, Raul got Diego against the wall, in a very erotic pose."

  "How is that possible, I mean, those two hate one another."

  "How? I have a very good idea, allow me to demonstrate."

  Javier pulled him until Esteban stood, pushed him against the nearest wall, and catching him off guard covered Esteban's mouth with his own. Unlike the last time they kissed, Esteban took the lead and searched for Javier's tongue.

  Esteban ended the kiss and said, "We're not supposed to do this, remember?"

  "If those two are making out downstairs, why couldn't we?"

  "They are about the same age."

  "Esteban stop using that stupid excuse to avoid me. Tell me the truth, it's the least you owe me."

  He circled Javier and stood in front of the dresser, where he smacked both fists on and leant forward, burying his head into his hands. Javier stood next to him.

  "What is wrong with you?" Javier asked with concern.

  "Everything. I tried to tell my father that I want to be out. He knows I'm gay, but he also knows I control my impulses. I went to see him and I talked, and talked, and at the end, I didn't say anything. Damn it! I'm a coward. If I can't tell him, there is no way I'll ever tell anybody else that I want to share my life with another man. I simply cannot do it."

  Javier stood behind him and embraced him, leaning his head on his back.

  "Is it because of that you've been rejecting me? It's okay, Esteban. I understand."

  Slowly Esteban faced him while shaking his head.

  "It's not fair. If you are with me, we will never be able to be out. We'll be living in a closet, and this isn't fair for you." Esteban stared at Javier's eyes, before finishing, "I can't ask you to continue hiding for anybody's benefit. I know what Mauricio did to you."

  Javier felt touched by Esteban's consideration, but if that was the only thing standing between them, it didn't really matter.

  "Esteban, I know life isn't fair, that was the first lesson I learned." Javier leaned forward and pressed his face to Esteban's shoulder, feeling the embrace he craved for weeks.

  "I know it is impossible for you to be out. After spending time with your family, I understand your concern."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yes. If I have to choose between having you in secret, and not having you at all, the choice is clear."

  Right then they heard steps going down, the
front door closing and a car starting. They peeked out the windows; it was Raul's car.

  Javier said, "I'll be right back, I'm going to check to see if Diego is okay."

  He went downstairs and found Diego sitting on a sofa wrapped in a blanket nursing a cup of tea. The black eyes avoided Javier when he said, "I thought you were sleeping."

  "I was, but I heard your voices. I'm sorry for intruding, I simply want to know if you're okay."

  Diego took a sip of tea before answering. "I am just a little embarrassed because I have no idea what you witnessed."

  "Not much, I went upstairs when you guys started kissing against the kitchen wall."

  Javier noticed how Diego's hand quivered as he sipped his tea.

  "Diego, is he forcing you, I mean, he is obviously using you, right?"

  Diego shook his head. "No. We use each other in a way only we know. Don't worry, Javier. When Raul was born, I already knew how to ride a bike."

  "And what does that has to do with anything?"

  "As the Spanish saying goes, the devil knows more because he's older than from being the devil."

  Javier narrowed his eyes, and shook his head. He didn't get the saying, but Diego got him.

  "I left the box of condoms on the kitchen counter, help yourself, I'm going to bed to dream with my own devil."

  Javier opened his mouth to deny his intentions, but Esteban walked right in. Diego looked from one to another and said, "I'm okay. You know better than anyone that Raul doesn't defeat me in a fight."

  Esteban nodded, but asked. "Do you know how serious is this game you're playing, Diego? He would never—"

  Diego raised a hand in a gesture that spoke by itself, "I know. Unlike us, you two have a chance. You need to talk, and it's better if you do it in neutral territory. Good night."