Bad Little Girls Die Horrible Deaths: And Other Tales of Dark Fantasy
Page 8
“Of course you made a mistake. If there was misrule in your lands, you should have ridden out in force and crushed it yourself… assuming that sword on your hip is more than decoration. Instead you sat in this little room and told yourself that every battle is a gamble. You convinced yourself that even if you were victorious it would cost too much to replace the men who fell.”
The captain looked annoyed, but he didn’t deny it. “I could do nothing unless they broke the law within Achlesdan. The city charter states that my jurisdiction extends only to the city walls and the first bend of the river.”
“Pfft. Your charter. You grow softer every time you pay someone else for your justice. Now give me my sword.”
To open the tall wardrobe, the captain had to move the two scarecrow guards with Feather’s arrows in them. He took a long, wrapped bundle from the back and set it on the desk. Then he went to the window and opened the shutters. The reavers had been marched into the pen under guard; they didn’t look particularly dangerous, and were so miserable that the captain felt an unexpected surge of pity. He turned back to Kurlisk. “You can wait here an hour while the reavers’ names are recorded. That way you won’t have to walk past them in the yard.”
Kurlisk had strapped his long Unorkan sword to his back. “Why should I care about that?”
The captain nodded. “Will you return to your people?”
“After killing them and carrying off their women? Some of those boys might have been my cousins. No, don’t worry, captain. You’ll never see me in these parts again.”
The captain turned toward the yard again, his hand absent-mindedly resting on his coin purse. Some of the bandits had begun to weep, knowing they were to be hanged in the morning. As Kurlisk went out the door, he heard the captain say, in a sad voice: “If only they hadn’t robbed those Goldrim merchants.”
* * *
It was midday when Kurlisk returned to the glen. Matron was waiting for him down in the pit with her captives. He strode down to her. Otter and Crowhair followed close behind.
“Where are the rest of them?” she demanded. Her voice had a harsh rasp.
“They’ve already taken their shares. I’m just stopping in to bring yours and the boys’. And to collect the women.”
“I guess they belong to you now,” Matron answered. She gestured toward the seven women, all hunched over laundry buckets. “Pick the ones you like and I’ll knife the rest. Wait. Why are you carrying an Unorkan sword?”
“It’s your share,” he answered and struck her head off.
Otter and Crowhair were about to flee, but Kurlisk knocked them to the ground and, while he held them down, cut small triangles into their cheeks. “I don’t kill boys, but in a very few years you will be men. Go to Achlesdan, find work on a boat and get far away from here. If I ever see these marks, you’ll get the same as she got.”
The boys ran off.
They had dug a single grave for all three of the men he’d killed, and left their weapons on top like headstones. Kurlisk took Alleg’s sword and started toward the women. He wasn’t going to use his own steel for something like this.
They quailed at his approach; only one, a pale, half-starved young woman, stood proudly. She also expected to be killed, but she had enough strength in her to show defiance at the end. “You don’t have the right to carry an Unorkan sword.”
Kurlisk shouted at her in response. “I may be the only man alive who has the right!” He struck the chain from the ring with Alleg’s sword, freeing them and notching the blade so badly he threw it away. They still wore manacles, but their families could strike those.
After taking four gold coins from the pouch the captain had given him, he threw the rest at the women’s feet. Then he took a folded scrap of deerskin and threw it on the ground as well.
“What’s this?” the defiant woman said.
“Bounty for reavers that are even now rotting at the end of a rope. And a map to buried Goldrim treasures: tools, armor sized for humans, weapons. Share them with your people. Maybe they’ll earn the right to swing Unorkan swords again.”
Saying that, he shouldered his pack, leaped lightly onto the nearest deer path and vanished into the hilly forest, leaving the former captives to make their own way home.
Beyond The Game
I’m pretty sure this is the most recent story in collection, except for “The Home Made Mask”. After the success of my Kickstarter campaign, John Joseph Adams invited me to take part in his anthology about otherworldly Kickstarters called Help Fund My Robot Army And Other Improbable Kickstarters (which is on sale right now). The conceit is pretty straightforward: a short story written in the form of a crowdfunding pitch.
I do have a story in that one (about cultists who want to summon the Taco God, religious schisms, and “mobile taco temples”) but this was my first submission: a satire of the Kickstarter campaign for the creepy pick-up artist manual that advocated committing sexual assault against women. It occurred to me that, in a world where love potions were real, PUAs would be most interested in them.
Unfortunately, the story was kicked for being too dark (and for taking every possible shot against these guys), which is why I had to write the taco one, and why you guys are getting this here.
FYI: it is pretty dark. If you have issues with PUA-types, this story might be triggering.
Also, this won’t be as beautifully-formatted as the stories in JJA’s anthology. Forgive me.
–– –- ––
BEYOND THE GAME
by Flex Fedora
5,207 Backers
$762,553 pledged of a $21,000 goal
Funding Canceled
Funding for this project was canceled by the project creator on June 12, 2015.
Funding Period: June 9, 2015 - July 9, 2015
Project by
Flex Fedora
Savannah, Georgia
First created * 3 backed
Has not connected Facebook
See full bio
FOR EVERY GUY TIRED OF PLAYING UNRELIABLE EVO-PSYCH TRICKS THAT STILL LAND HIM IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
Tired Of Playing The Game?
[Final edit: I’ve been forced to cancel this campaign for personal reasons only. A completely comprehensive explanation can be found in the final project update. Don’t believe the haters.]
You gave negging the old college try, didn’t you? But you could never get it to work the way it was supposed to. That’s fine. You should be proud of making the effort. You’ve tried asserting your alpha status by forcing her to say no more than once. You’ve negged. In fact, you’ve tried all the tricks.
And yet, when you head home from work on a Friday night, who do your neighbors—guys like Chris Clark—see on your arm?
No one.
Now you’re wondering where to go from here.
Move Beyond the Game
By pledging your support, you will help create (and receive product from the first batch from) the first love potion brewery on the North American continent. I have already located and acquired a secure and secluded property with a Thousand Year Oak growing on it. I’ve also transplanted a pixie colony to the area. Acorn and dust collection efforts have begun even as you read this.
The only remaining unusual ingredient I need for the brewery (aside from customers) is a live basilisk. One has already been located in a remote part of Argentina—and I’ve already secured permission to remove it—but a project like that takes money. Safe capture, safe storage, and safe transport require a hefty investment.
So hefty, in fact, that I can only pay half myself. Rather than wait to save the rest (and risk losing our chance at this rare wild basilisk) I’m coming to you. Once I have the funds and the creature has been placed in his (fully-constructed) feather-collection habitat, I can begin brewing love potions and shipping them to you.
[Edited to add: I’ll be shipping domestic only for this campaign. Sorry, foreign guys, but right now this for my U.S. bros only. You’ll get your
chance to purchase at a later time, when the brewery is up and running.]
These Are Not Roofies
Roofies are not just illegal, they’re the tool of the truly pathetic. What do you think would happen if Chris Clark and his girlfriend saw you bring home a babe who was completely unconscious and drooling on your shirt? Do you think he’d be impressed? What do you think his girlfriend would say to him when they were alone?
That’s unacceptable behavior for any real alpha. What I’m offering you through this Kickstarter is completely different. Instead of a drooling, unconscious girl you have to carry over your shoulder, you’d score a babe who adores you so much she can barely look away from you.
See, a roofie knocks a girl out, making her unable to say no to anything you want to do to her. A love potion, on the other hand, takes away a girl’s pre-existing personality and replaces it with one that has only one desire: to please you.
So you can see these are totally different.
[Edited to add 2: Look, some people think they’re being funny about my neighbor. I’m not talking about Chris as a specific person. I’m talking about him as a concept: an archetype. He’s the neighbor who works out shirtless in his garage, the door thrown wide open. He’s the guy on the softball team who win their league every year and never have openings for new players. He’s the guy who can still be an alpha male while driving a Miata. :)
In other words, he’s a real man. So, while we all know what females are for, a real man also commands the respect of other men, especially ones who spend a full 25 minutes every other day just on their abs.]
Who Am I?
Let answer that briefly, person-who-has-never-been-to-reddit! I’m an Atlanta boy, born and bred, who has spent the last nine years in Croatia learning the brewing secrets of a master alchemist. Last fall, while talking about the benefits of love potions on a certain subreddit, some frustrated locals challenged me to put my money where my keyboard was, and I realized they were right. I began making plans to return to the states immediately, and this Kickstarter campaign is pretty much the final step in that journey.
Once my brewery is up and running, a select clientele will be able to purchase a variety of potions for any social event. Also: growlers of pilsner.
Thank you for your support.
Reward levels
Pledge $2 or more
11 backers
INCEL AND OKAY WITH IT: Receive the satisfaction of knowing you have assisted in the survival of the genetic heritage of better men.
Pledge $10 or more
6 backers
PRE-PUBERTY: Get signed up with my newsletter.
Pledge $25 or more
3 backers
I LIKE TO WATCH: As above, plus you get a shot glass with our logo on it.
Pledge $75 or more
1,749 backers
NERVOUS VIRGIN: Unsure if love potions are right for you? Try this single dose suitable to create powerful infatuation in a hot neighbor or co-worker.
Pledge $100 or more
2,635 backers
EAGER VIRGIN: As above, but you get a second dose in case she has a sister.
Pledge $150 or more
0 backers
WHITE FEDORA: Instead of the rewards above, receive a six-pack of potions at “platonic” concentrations. For guys comfortable staying in the friend zone.
Pledge $350 or more
460 backers
BEIGE FEDORA: Instead of the rewards above, receive a six-pack of potions at “infatuation” concentrations. For guys who want the classy target of their interests to stay classy in bed. Also: you will get that sandwich.
Pledge $1000 or more
203 backers
BLACK FEDORA: Instead of the rewards above, receive a six-pack of potions at “love-slave” concentrations. For guys with no inhibitions who also need someone to clean their apartment.
Pledge $20,000 or more
0 backers
BEAVER FUR FEDORA: Receive the Black Fedora reward and an exclusive opportunity open to very few people: an apprenticeship at the brewery, where you will live and work on site, learning to care for the pixies, basilisk, and eventually brew potions of your own.
FAQ:
What if I want potions and the shot glass, too?
Right, sorry about that. Clumsy wording on my part. Everyone who pledges at the $25 level or above will get the shot glass too. They’ll also be subscribed to the newsletter, whether they want it or not! :)
What about backers outside the U.S.? Don’t leave us hanging, dude.
As I said above, this offer is for U.S. backers only. Not all of you live in enlightened countries, so international shipping will have to wait until the brewery is up and running and we have the legal issues sorted out.
How long do the potions last?
Twenty-four hours, but that limitation will only exist for the first batches. Long-lasting effects can be achieved with a careful aging process. We hope to have those potions ready to market for Christmas next year. They’ll make great stocking stuffers!
So, this love slave thing…?
It’s exactly what it sounds like. She will do anything for you. Anything.
Comments:
MRA GUARDIAN AGAINST THE ESCHATON:
Damn, Flex. I knew you were cool, but this is beyond cool. Pledged.
INVOLUNTARY INCEL:
THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS. I CAN FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY STOP SPENDING MY NIGHTS ALONE.
SUSAN TURNER:
Dude, just tell Chris how you feel.
FLEX FEDORA:
Very funny, Susan.
You’re welcome, guys. Good to see you are smart enough to pledge. And, er, “Involuntary Incel” your username is a tautology. The “in” in “incel” already means “involuntary.”
Project Update #1
We reached our goal in just over two hours! Fantastic! I promise you won’t regret it! Working on stretch goals now!
Comments:
INVOLUNTARY INCEL:
YOU ARE RIGHT THANK YOU FLEX YOU ARE A GREAT MAN!!!
SUSAN TURNER:
I’m not joking, Flex. Stop using women as a proxy for your feelings for your neighbor. Stop trying to touch him through them. Go talk to him, and be frank about your feelings. Even if things don’t go the way you hope, you’ll at least know where you stand.
MRS. DELGADO:
This entire project is repulsive.
MRA GUARDIAN AGAINST THE ESCHATON:
Susan Turner, why do you keep saying perverted and disgusting things about Flex? Inincel is right! He’s a great man who’s doing a service for the rest of us and is going to become rich because of it! Do you hate rich people? Do you hate people with ideas and the will to see them come to fruition? If he’s offering a product that people want to pay for, who are you to censor him?
FLEX FEDORA:
Thanks, Guardian. Mrs. Delgado, if you don’t like it, don’t pledge.
SUSAN TURNER:
Oh my god, I just saw the second edit above. Flex, do you really time your neighbor’s ab workout?
Project Update #2
As soon as an alpha achieves success, the gammas and the females try to tear him down. It’s as predictable as it is pathetic, like watching someone try to flatten a mountain by hitting it with a feathered boa. It won’t work! We’re almost at triple our goal and still thrusting upward!
Still, I’m sure the haters are thrilled to get even those two sentences, which is already more attention than they deserve.
Let’s clarify something: No one has ever had reason to call me a homosexual, but I don’t hate them. If you’re a lonely gay who wants to pledge, go right ahead! The potions will work for you, too, and I’m happy to take your money. Gays and gay things and gay people and gayness don’t bother me at all!
Not that any of this actually matters. We’re almost at $600,000! That’s nearly 3,000% of goal! Obviously there’s an untapped market here, and I’m happy to step up to meet it.
C
omments:
TRIUMPH OF THE PHIL:
Go Flex! You have my support! I look forward to receiving my rewards!
SUSAN TURNER:
So these potions will work on men and women?
FLEX FEDORA:
Of course. I’m offering a quality product.
PEGGY:
Is that how you got the recipe from the master alchemist? You slipped him a potion and made him tell you everything?
FLEX FEDORA:
No comment.
SUSAN TURNER:
Two sentences, Flex? You might want to count again. Use your fingers.
I think I ought to warn poor neighbor Chris not to accept any refreshing, post-workout Gatorades from you.
FLEX FEDORA:
Hah! Good luck finding out who I am! Besides, “Chris” isn’t even his real name!
SUSAN TURNER:
So that’s a totally different “Christopher Clark” that you have friended on your Facebook?
INVOLUNTARY INCEL:
YOU ARE A LIAR SUSAN TURNER FLEX DOES NOT EVEN HAVE FACEBOOK LINKED TO THIS KICKSTARTER.