Rubber Gloves or Jimmy Choos?

by Faith Bleasdale

  We lived together in the second and third years. Ben, myself, Sarah, Jess, Sophie and Thomas, Ben’s friend. All in a huge house like one happy family. We never spoke about it, but I made plans for Ben and me. After university he would take his law finals, I would work, he would qualify and get a good job. We’d get married and buy a big house in the country. I would spend my days taking care of Ben. That was the thing I did best, the only thing I wanted to do. I know it doesn’t sound very modern, but I was smart, I was sassy and that was still my choice. I’d still do something interesting, I’d still be interesting but, most importantly, I would be interesting and with Ben.

  As university drew to a close everybody had a plan. Apart from me and Ben. Well, I had plans for us, but we’d never discussed them. On entering the third year, I found everyone was planning, careers, post-graduate courses, where to live. They showed a new excitement, even before finals. By the start of exams, everyone knew what they were going to do. Apart from me and Ben.

  Jess had secured a job with a PR consultancy, which was no surprise because from the word go she had known that was what she wanted to do. I remember in our first year she would tell me how wonderful PR was and she studied Absolutely Fabulous as if it was a fly-on-the-wall documentary, not quite but almost taking notes. She was born for PR, whatever it was. Sarah had got a job with a recruitment consultancy. She liked the sound of organising the workforce. I think she would really have liked a government post in employment – she’d have got everyone working, believe me. Sophie had been spotted by a model agency, ages ago and had been modelling in her spare time, which she was going to continue while securing herself an agent for her acting work. Thomas had got a place to do his law finals. They would all live in London.

  I would live with Ben. Of course, I expected that Ben would be doing his law finals too, but as yet there was no sign of that. I wasn’t worried: I knew that with Ben it would be all right. I often told him of my plans and he didn’t object, so I guessed I didn’t have to worry. My parents, on the other hand, were getting worried. They kept asking me what I was going to do. So did my friends. I told them I’d discuss it with them as soon as I’d finalised things.

  But nothing was finalised. All of a sudden exams were drawing to a close and then we would be leaving university. I would no longer be studying politics and I would no longer live in Portsmouth. In my three years at Portsmouth University I had never thought about the end, but here it was. I was beginning to panic a little. So I asked him, ‘Ben, we really should sort out what we’re going to do after graduation.’

  ‘Huh?’ he replied.

  ‘For God’s sake, you know, where you’re going to do your law finals and what job I’m going to get. We should start making plans.’ It was like banging my head against a brick wall.

  ‘Ruthie, why the hell do you always have to plan everything?’ he shouted at me.

  I was puzzled because I never made plans until absolutely necessary. Like now. ‘I didn’t mean anything, it’s just that in four weeks finals are finished.’ The subtle approach was called for.

  ‘Don’t be such a woman. We’ll work it out, but not today, OK?’ Ben’s final word.

  My lip quivered like it does when I’m about to be a woman and cry.

  Ben softened a bit. ‘I’m sorry, babe, it’s just, you know, stress. We’ll discuss it after finals, OK?’ I nodded my agreement, I was still panicking, but trying not to. Ben said it would be fine so it would be fine. After all, I had Ben. What more did I need?

  Finals finished. We survived them and we celebrated. It was a wild time of freedom, relief, achievement and fun. I wished it could last for ever, but it didn’t. The results came in, we all got what we wanted. More celebrations, but this time I knew it would end. The lease on our house was up, and we had to move out. Everyone was going home until graduation. Then, after graduation, they would all be starting their new lives. Where was I going?

  On the last night in our happy house, we had an Indian takeaway, just the six of us. We looked back at our university years. ‘Do you remember when …’ started most sentences, and we laughed at things we had laughed at a million times before, but which were still funny.

  ‘I’m so glad I have these great memories to take with me,’ Thomas said sentimentally, and, yes, we agreed. For a moment I felt that I would never be lonely or sad again because I had memories of the most wonderful three years of my life. But then I did feel sad. I always hated letting go of anything I loved, and I loved this house and I loved my friends and I loved Ben. I wanted us all to stay together, but we couldn’t. I cried that night in bed, silently, as Ben snored next to me.

  The next day I started packing. I packed for Ben, not that he had much: clothes, a few books, his hockey stuff, that was it. I packed my things and wondered about our future. I had to ask him now: finals were over, we were leaving, it was my last chance.

  ‘Ben, it’s our last day. I know we’re both going back to our parents’, but what happens next?’

  ‘Next when?’

  I was experiencing déjà vu. ‘In our lives, Ben. What are we going to do? Should we plan a holiday, or should I get a job? Where are we going to live? We need to sort things out.’

  ‘Ruth, you worry too much. Look, I’ve just finished three years of a difficult degree and what I want to do is relax until graduation. Then we can sort things out, OK?’ He smiled at me and, as usual, I melted.

  I wanted to pursue things, say that we needed to sort things out now, not after graduation, but I couldn’t. I guess I was a wimp. I kissed him. I’ll miss you so much, Benjamin, but rest assured, we won’t be apart for long, I won’t allow it.’

  He kissed me and we made love for the last time ever on the bed.

  There are certain days in your life that become magic days: your wedding, certain birthdays, romantic occasions and special achievements, such as graduation. Graduation was supposed to be a special day, surrounded by family and friends: we would don the gowns and the mortar-boards and, looking stupid, celebrate the last three years and the passing of our degrees. It would be like a twenty-first birthday, a coming of age, a rite of passage into adulthood. The occasion would be marked by a ceremony, a nice lunch and a champagne reception. In the evening, the bit I was looking forward to most, we had our ball. The only thing required for perfection was the sun to shine.

  The sun was shining. But when I woke up I didn’t feel perfect. I felt, well, weird. I didn’t feel excited anymore and I didn’t feel nervous, I felt horrible. My parents were excited enough for all of us. They had the camera out, my mother wore a huge hat, my father a new suit, and they were cooing and saying things like, ‘My baby’s really grown up now,’ my mother, and ‘My clever little princess,’ my father. Which would have been lovely, had I not been feeling hugely depressed.

  We got to the university, where I put on my gown, then found Jess. She was so excited she kept hugging me and squealing while her parents were filming us on their camcorder. I felt as if I was in a ridiculous movie. When we found Sarah and Sophie they were like Jess, although Sophie was a little nervous. They all kept saying this would be one of the best days of their lives. So why did I feel it was one of the worst of mine? I wanted Ben by my side, but every time I got near him, either he or I was whisked away – first to go into the hall, then when I found him after the ceremony, I had to go to lunch. It was a nightmare.

  At the champagne reception I finally got to speak to him. I went up to him, kissed him and told him I loved him. He looked awkward, but I put it down to the fact that he looked really ridiculous in his gown, which didn’t seem to fit him. I chatted to his parents, who were posh but nice. Then my parents came and spoke with his parents and it would have been a wonderful sight had Ben not snuck off to join his mates. I tried to tell the girls something was wrong, but no one wanted to hear anything bad on this day. As I told you, it was magical for everyone apart from me.

  I tried my best not to worry about Ben – after all, we would be
going to the ball together. Sophie was going with Johnny, Ben’s best friend, Jess was going with Jeremy, a hockey-team member, and Sarah was escorting Thomas, because they didn’t have dates. It would be wonderful, all our friends together. But, no, however hard I tried I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong – in fact, that everything was horribly wrong.

  The day passed and I tried to be cheerful, mainly for my parents’ sake. Trust them to have given birth to the most miserable graduate on earth. When it was time for them to leave, they drove me to the hall of residence where I would be staying, and it was just like the first day I arrived at university, only of course it was my last. We had a tearful farewell, and I really was tearful, then they left me again. My spirits lifted slightly as I found they had left me a bottle of champagne, and my friends came into my room so we could do the girly getting-ready bit. We all looked so lovely in our dresses with our hair and make-up done nicely. I was determined that when Ben saw me, I would knock him dead.

  The guys came to collect us at seven and they looked wonderful. Beauty is a man in black tie. Ben seemed awkward, but he never had been one for dressing up. I thought perhaps he was feeling the same loss I was. Yes, that was it. As soon as we got a chance to talk, I would reassure him, and everything would be fine. We had our photo taken as we walked into the dining hall, which had been transformed for the occasion, Thomas towering above us with his dark hair and glasses, Johnny, smaller than the others and as blond as Sarah, Jess in her purple velvet dress, Sophie in black silk, Sarah in a short black dress, me in my puffy ball dress, and Ben, with his fake bow-tie, which was already crooked. The hall was decorated in silver and blue, lit by candles and spotlights. Each table had silver flowers in the middle. It looked so lovely I was determined to have the best night of my life. It was fun and I finally managed to relax. We ate (loads), we drank (loads) and we danced until I thought my feet would fall off. I lost my shoes and I lost Ben.

  Determined to have fun, I had ignored Ben’s mood. I talked at him and, well, there were so many people to say goodbye to that we didn’t spend that much time together. But at one point when I realised I needed to see him I couldn’t find him anywhere. I got Sophie, who got Johnny, who got Jess, who got Sarah, who got Thomas, and we looked everywhere. He was nowhere to be found. I was still shoeless and hysterical. Sarah had the main job of calming me down, but the drink and the fact that I was feeling weird convinced me he was dead. This went on for what seemed ages, until Jess ran in and said that they’d found him. It was five in the morning and for the last two hours he’d been outside.

  I was so relieved I ran straight up to him and hugged him. He pulled me off, looked at me and said, ‘Ruth, we need to talk.’ That was when I realised there had been a reason for my end-of-the-world mood today.

  I felt my heart sink into my stockinged feet. That phrase ‘we need to talk’ heralded bad news, especially from Ben who generally only talked when absolutely necessary. I looked at him, all serious but gorgeous in his tuxedo, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried not to think so, he wouldn’t have looked so solemn if it was to be anything but bad. I made a decision there and then that I would go to my impending doom guns blazing.

  ‘Where the hell have you been? I’ve – well, me and your friends and my friends and just about everyone at this damn ball have been looking for you for hours.’

  ‘I needed to think.’

  That stumped me. I’d never thought of Ben as a thinker – in fact I couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a single thought, Ben wasn’t that type, he was more your dumb jock. I recovered a little from the shock. ‘You? Think? Christ, Ben, this is our graduation ball. Why did you have to choose a moment like this to start thinking?’ I realised that I was still very drunk and, perhaps, had chosen the wrong way to handle the situation, but I was in no state to control my mouth.

  ‘Ruth, stop a minute. I really need to talk to you.’

  Ben looked so serious – actually, the three Bens standing in front of me looked very serious. I closed one eye and reduced him to one and a half. I was making some progress although the conversation wasn’t. ‘So talk.’ I know I sounded like a bitch but, well, that was how I felt.

  ‘I think we should break up.’

  He breathed a sigh of relief, and I became instantly sober. There was only one Ben in front of me and my heart fell out of my body. I know that I said I was expecting bad news, but this, well, this was devastating. Smart-crack Ruth was gone and panic rose through my whole body. Disbelief was all I could feel.

  So Ben broke up with me and I was sick on his shoes. The perfect relationship was over and I was over. Jess found me sitting on the steps where Ben left me. I couldn’t tell you how long I’d been there. For ever. It felt like for ever.

  ‘Come here.’ Jess grabbed me and hugged me tight. I felt her warmth and realised how cold I really was. ‘I found your shoes.’ She handed them to me but I didn’t put them on.

  ‘He’s finished it,’ I managed.

  ‘Shit, Ru.’ Jess looked as if she didn’t have a clue what to say.

  ‘He’s going away with Johnny,’ I sobbed.

  ‘I had no idea.’ Jess held me tighter.

  ‘I know. Only Ben, Johnny and Thomas did.’ The tears were falling more slowly. I think they were running out.

  ‘He’s a selfish bastard.’

  ‘Yes, Jess, but at least he was my selfish bastard.’ My reserve tears were now kicking in.

  ‘He shouldn’t have told you today of all days,’ Jess said.

  ‘They say you never forget your graduation, I certainly won’t forget mine.’

  ‘Ru, I know it doesn’t help, and it doesn’t feel like it, but it will be all right, somehow.’

  Jess smiled weakly and, to my surprise, I managed to smile weakly back. ‘You know I was sick on his shoes.’

  ‘No, really?’ Jess laughed, and I started crying again. I just cried and cried. I think I used up my whole bodyweight in tears that night. I was staying on my own in a room similar to my first room in the hall of residence. It was empty and bare and I didn’t sleep: I sat up all night, chain-smoking, crying and feeling oddly as though I had regressed.

  So there you have it. The best day of my life turned into the worst day of my life. The break-up was pretty crap. Ben turned red, I was sick, I didn’t say half of what I wanted and he said more than he wanted. Which probably sums up our whole relationship. Now I’m in deep mourning because I didn’t want him to go, I didn’t want him to leave me and I miss him. They say love is blind; in my case it was also deaf and dumb.

  I did a lot of thinking. Well, I tried to think. But all I could do was concentrate on the huge feeling of fear that was running though me. Fear of facing the world without Ben. Fear of tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t let the one thing that made me happy desert me. It hadn’t occurred to me to plan my life without Ben. Why should it? We were a couple, we were together. I felt that if I’d made plans perhaps I could have handled the situation better. ‘So what, Ben? I’ve got a great job, you just piss off,’ but I knew that wasn’t me, not the me I knew or not the me I’d let myself become.

  I had based my future on him and although I still hold university responsible for ending, the real reason for my anger was that with it, the love I had had ended too.

  At first I tried to make him stay. As all reason had left me, I managed to convince myself that I could do this. I called him and I cried and I told him I loved him and I asked him to reconsider, not to throw away the best thing in his life, me. Funnily enough it didn’t work. He said he needed to go, to travel, to have fun. This was something he had wanted to do ever since he’d first started university. That was a recurring theme. It kept coming back to the fact that Ben was doing something he’d always wanted to do, something that excluded me to the point of my ignorance of it. It was like there was old Ben, whom I had been with for over two years, and there was new Ben, whom I d
idn’t really know at all. Well, to hell with new Ben, I just wanted old Ben back.

  A couple of days later I tried a different tack. A minute amount of reason had returned. I told him that he was right. Of course it was a wonderful opportunity and I was really happy for him. Of course he must go, but we shouldn’t break up over it. We should see how it goes and keep an open mind, so when he came back we could start again. I know I had tried that tactic before when he first broke up with me, but now he’d had time to think I was sure he’d see sense. Well, I was the one who needed to see sense because he told me that wouldn’t happen, that he’d meant what he’d said about us breaking up, that it just wouldn’t work out. For a second after that conversation I thought about having ‘Moron’ tattooed across my head.