Rubber Gloves or Jimmy Choos?

by Faith Bleasdale

  ‘It’s not fair. Whatever we do, you’ll always win with the pizza-man date,’ Jess said.

  ‘OK, Soph, your turn.’

  ‘Well, I suppose the worst was when James took me along to one of his work parties. He basically pushed me under the nose of his boss and all his colleagues, he told me which women I should speak to and everything. At dinner I had to sit next to his boss, who was a lecherous old man who kept leering. James was in his element. He was showing me off and when I complained about his boss touching my thigh, or whatever, he told me to chill out and think of his career. Selfish wanker. So I endured an evening of bum-pinching and leering just so James looked good. He made me feel like such a piece of meat. I wish I’d seen it at the time.’ We didn’t laugh. Sophie looked upset and we were all upset for her. It was easy to see why she was with the Thespian: he’d never have done anything like that.

  ‘Sarah, can you remember far enough back to tell us about your worst date?’ Jess joked.

  ‘Actually, I think I have something that qualifies and is recent,’

  ‘What? You had a date? No way!’

  ‘No, it wasn’t a date. In fact, it was supposed to be a business dinner. One of my colleagues from another branch asked if I would go for dinner so we could discuss strategy on a new project. Of course I said yes – this was work. Anyway, we went out and it didn’t even occur to me that it was a date. We had a nice dinner and wine, and Michael was good company. We discussed work and the project and just chatted. He’s very serious about his career too. We talked about our ambitions and they were pretty similar. At the end of the meal the bill came and I offered to pay half. He said no, but I insisted – you know how independent I am. Michael got quite cross and said, “I’m paying, I’m the man,” which really wound me up. I said he might be a man but he wasn’t my man, and as two friends we were equal. Then he said he only took me to dinner because he wanted to sleep with me – “get in my knickers” was his phrase – and he said I knew that before I agreed to come so I must feel the same. I told him he’d got it wrong. I’d just thought it was a business dinner. He accused me of being a tease and said, “Pay your half, then, you frigid cow,” and I said, “No, pay it yourself, you chauvinistic pig,” and he looked at me as if he wanted to hit me and then I said, “If you claim to anyone in the company that you slept with me I’ll tell everyone that you’ve got an incredibly dinky penis,” and I walked out.’

  ‘Wow, Sarah, you really are Girl Power,’ I said. ‘But that was awful. Some men are such creeps, aren’t they?’

  ‘Yes, but I think women can be bad too,’ Jess said, not being able to bear men having the monopoly on anything, even if it was bad.

  I had cheered up a little, but I still felt sad and depressed. It was turning into an I-hate-men session for my benefit. ‘I always pick the wrong ones’ I said.

  ‘Yup,’ everyone agreed.

  ‘I don’t know how you can bear to go through all this shit,’ Sarah said. She had a point.

  ‘I went through the same with James,’ Sophie said.

  ‘The Porsche’ I corrected her.

  ‘Yeah, all right, he might have been a complete tosser but at least he was going to buy a Porsche,’ Sophie said.

  ‘Shame he couldn’t have bought some balls at the same time,’ I said.

  ‘Porsches may be expensive, but it’s easier for a man to own a Porsche than to have balls’ Jess said.

  ‘Balls are in very short supply at the moment. I think we’re going to have to invent some ball-getting tablets soon.’ Me.

  ‘Well, we could, but we have to be careful. I mean, we don’t want men getting too many balls, do we?’ Sarah.

  ‘No, perhaps we can use the Thespian as a test case.’ Me.

  Sophie looked indignant. ‘Nik has balls, ample balls, so start being nicer about him.’ But she laughed anyway.

  ‘Jess, does Jerry have balls?’

  ‘He must have because I like him, but I don’t think we’ve spent enough time together for me to really know,’ Jess replied.

  ‘I hope Jerry has lots of balls. Jess, I will do something, you know, and soon. Soon you’ll be proud of me and I promise I’ll be happy.’

  ‘I’ll drink to that’ Sarah said. ‘To happiness and balls’

  ‘Happiness and balls!’ We drank some more. The evening was turning out to be a serious female bonding session, the sort that is very dangerous if you’re a man.

  ***

  The next day at work, I told Katie what had happened. I have to admit she looked stunned.

  ‘So, the perfect man isn’t perfect. Why do they always disappoint?’ she said.

  ‘I don’t know. But he had all the right ingredients. Nice-looking, fun, good in bed.’

  ‘But he was a cheating bastard. They always have at least one fault.’

  ‘I wish that that fault could have been smelly feet or something. But he’s gone now and, to be honest, I know I’ll get over it. After all, the whole relationship was pretty one-sided, story of my life.’

  ‘I’m proud of the way you handled it and are handling it. How good in bed was he?’

  ‘Very. I reckon if I spent time with him I’d have to have sex ten times a day.’

  ‘Not bad. I think I may devote my life to the quest for the perfect shag.’

  ‘God, Katie, is that why you sleep with so many men?’

  ‘Maybe. Really, I should have found the perfect shag already. God, I may have found it. I don’t know why I have so many men. I wish I did. I think it may have something to do with Matty.’ Katie opened up at the oddest moments.

  ‘Who’s Matty?’

  ‘You know I told you I’d been in love once. Well, it was with Matty. I was at A-level college with him and he wanted to be a rock star. We were young but we had the most intense relationship, very physical and poetic. Do I sound like a trashy women’s novel?’

  ‘Yes, no, go on.’

  ‘OK. Well, we were inseparable, or so I thought. I know we were young, but he practically lived with me; I gave up all my friends for him. I was one of those horrible girls who put sex before mates, but I just wanted to be with him all the time. When we finished our A levels, I went to art college. Matty joined a band, and after a while they started touring in obscure parts of the country. I promised to wait for him, he never wrote, I fucked up art college, lost inspiration due to a broken heart, that sort of thing. I’ve never had a relationship since. Or a friendship.’

  ‘Katie, I didn’t know. It sounds like me.’

  ‘Yes, a broken heart is a broken heart the world over. But, Ru, I didn’t want to tell you because, believe it or not, it still hurts a bit.’

  ‘I know.’ I did.

  ‘I often wonder what happened to him, I think it’s the not knowing. I mean, every great love story has a loved one disappearing and the one left behind spends their life wondering what happened. Huh, I’m just getting sentimental.’

  ‘He’s not famous?’ It wouldn’t have surprised me if Katie’s great love had turned out to be a famous rock star: it fitted with her image.

  ‘No, I’d know if he was. He’s probably still touring in deepest darkest Cornwall, playing to the sheep, and it serves him right for breaking my heart.’

  ‘So, if you’ve been in love, why aren’t you like me and trying to fall in love again?’

  ‘I don’t want to get hurt, not yet anyway, and I kind of lost my belief in love a bit when Matty left. My family, Matty, it seemed safer not to get involved, you know. And there are so many men in the world, why settle for one?’

  ‘I wish I could be like you. I believe the person I’m meant to be with is out there and he’ll find me so I should relax, but then I can’t help feeling that he may be looking in the wrong place so I have to find him, I have to be alert.’

  ‘Ruthie, you may be a little crazy, but I like your optimism for love. Sometimes I wish I had more of it.’

  ‘Maybe you only sleep with men because you want to be loved?’ Is that wh
y I do it?

  ‘God, Ruth the counsellor! Yes, probably, in a way, but I know that the men I sleep with are for instant gratification, nothing long-term. The trouble is, casual sex can’t be exciting for ever – it’s very superficial. It gets boring, believe me.’

  ‘Ah, so you’re not the sex addict you make out. What about the rest of your life? You’re a party girl first and a secretary second. If you give up being a party girl, what will you be?’

  ‘God, I don’t know, nothing. Just a secretary and not a very good one.’

  ‘Katie, you always do what you want.’

  ‘Not if you lose sight of what you want. God, you’re so right. What am I? Take the parties away and I have nothing. Why didn’t I see this? Shit, my life’s so fucked.’

  ‘Katie, I didn’t mean that. It’s not fucked, you don’t have nothing.’ What had I done?

  ‘Ru, it’s true. I’ve got some serious thinking to do. I need to go home now.’ Katie had tears in her eyes.

  ‘OK,’ I whispered. Suddenly I was scared. Mark hadn’t destroyed me. Katie and I would survive, I’d make sure of it. I was stronger now and she needed me. And, after all, it seemed that without meaning to I was responsible for upsetting her. It seemed that my new strength had made Katie weak.

  ***

  I saw the Mark incident as a turning-point. It made me look at my attitude to relationships. I had given up one-night stands. Now I was going to give up Mr Wrongs. I had taken back control of my life. Or control of my men-life anyway. Mark had got me over Ben, and now I would get over Mark. I was over Ben. I was over Ben. That was the most beautiful thought. I was almost ready to start living my life. I just needed to know how.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The Times was running a competition, it was the biggest there had ever been. It was called ‘The Search for the Precious Present’. The Precious Present was something that gave everlasting happiness, and people were invited to decide what it was. Everyone thought long and hard about what would give them happiness forever.

  One man declared it to be a Ferrari. Another declared it to be a beautiful woman. A woman declared it to be the world’s biggest diamond. Another declared it to be the biggest mansion in the world. They racked their brains, thinking what it might be, as answer after answer was dismissed. The village idiot asked if he could have a turn. Everyone laughed. What did he know about happiness?

  ‘I think that the Precious Present is not something anyone gives to you. It is what you give to yourself. It is exactly what it is called, the precious present. Not the past, not the future, but now. If you realise how precious the present is, then you find everlasting happiness.’ Oh, how everyone laughed at him. What a dimwit, what a simple fellow. However, they soon stopped laughing when The Times declared him the winner.

  ***

  Katie was officially having a crisis. And I had thrown her into it. The question of her life without parties had tipped her over the edge. Why did I mess up everyone’s life? I should have been carrying a danger warning. If Katie’s feeling that she was nothing without a party was bad, then what came next was worse.

  ‘If I die tomorrow, what would people say about me?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Well, what have I done with my life? Been in love, dropped out of art college, had a couple of boring jobs, shagged my way through London, made one friend and lost my family. When I’m alive people say I’m cool, but if I was dead they’d think I had an empty life.’

  ‘No, they wouldn’t. They’d say you were great and that you made a big impression on everyone you met. You’re special, Katie.’

  ‘So what? It’s not like I’ve found a cure for cancer or done any real good. I’m selfish and empty.’

  ‘Katie, don’t think like that. Besides, you’ve still got time to do something great, and I know you will.’

  ‘Huh.’

  I was really worried about Katie, I’d never seen her like this. She had been strong when I had been weak; she had been together when I had been in pieces. Now we’d swapped and I didn’t know how to help her. I went to see her. She wasn’t good: she had decided that her life sucked and it needed changing. Katie had become me. Katie couldn’t go to work the following week.

  I went to work as usual, but I took Katie grapes and Beck’s to help her. She had taken to eating only grapes, sort of fasting but without giving up grapes and she would drink the Beck’s. She told me this was her spiritual way and she felt it might help her to find answers. She also smoked a lot of dope. I had never heard of grapes and lager as spiritual, but Katie claimed to know and in her present state I didn’t want to argue. I spent my evenings sitting on Katie’s sofa watching TV and watching Katie deep in thought. I didn’t know how long she was going to be like this, but she wouldn’t take phone calls, she wouldn’t go out and she wouldn’t go to work I had covered for her at work, by telling them she had the flu, and I told my flatmates she had a virus and was very ill. But I really hoped it wouldn’t last much longer. I felt responsible; Katie had been solid before she met me. She had been solid before I taught her how to fall apart.

  On Sunday of the first week of crisis, Katie had an answer, sort of.

  ‘I still don’t know for sure what I want to do with my life, but I know that the answers are not at work or at the parties. In fact, my life – and yours too now – is incredibly selfish as well as shallow. We need meaning.’ She had finally flipped.

  ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ This had taken a week of grapes, Beck’s and probably too much grass.

  ‘I don’t know the details yet. I just need to find meaning.’ I knew better than to pursue her further.

  I decided to take matters into my own hands. I would find the answer to our problems. I would find meaning. I would make Katie better just as I had sunk her into depression. I would do something. I really would this time.

  But first I had to exorcise some ghosts. My thoughts and feelings weren’t the answer to my life. Or perhaps they were – I just wasn’t concentrating. I spoke to Sarah about it and, well, Sarah told me to make another list. I did. ‘Bored’ cropped up, as did ‘directionless’, as did not wanting to work, disliking London, men. Sarah said I was trying to tie myself down with nothing to tie myself down to. I thought that was the wisest thing I’d ever heard her say.

  I started thinking about being tied down and realised I wasn’t. I had so many things in my favour: I was young, I was not tied to a job, I was free to do as I chose. You see, I had what I said I wanted: I had choice. But I didn’t know how to use it. I knew I didn’t want to be single and that I wanted to meet Mr Right, but he was out there and I’d find him, or maybe he’d find me, but I couldn’t spend all my time scouring London for him. He might not even live in London. I had trapped myself for no reason. I could untrap myself. I was going to do something, I really was, just as soon as I thought of it.

  Suddenly it was Jess’s birthday. I had been too caught up in myself to be aware of dates, but now Jess would have the honour of joining the Twenty-two Club. As I had drunkenly suggested, I would cook dinner for everyone and this time everyone included the four of us, Thomas, the Thespian and Jerry. The Thespian was only allowed to attend because Jerry was, and I think Jess wanted to show that at least one of her friends could have a relationship. Or that’s what she said. Jess also thought this honour would please Sophie.

  ‘If you want him I’ll invite him,’ Sophie said, surprised.

  ‘Yes, yes, I do, it’ll even out the numbers,’ Jess replied.

  ‘No, it won’t,’ I said.

  ‘Won’t what?’ Jess asked.

  ‘Jess, inviting the Thespian won’t even out the numbers. We’ll still be one man short,’ I pointed out.

  ‘Well, it’s not my fault we don’t know any more men. Sophie, invite him.’

  ‘Whatever,’ Sophie said. Not exactly the down-on-her-knees-with-gratitude act that Jess expected.

  Jess, though, was fast falling in love with Je
rry. They had increased their once-weekly appointments to twice-weekly, and Jess worked extra hard to make sure she didn’t break any dates. She never did. Jerry broke a couple, but he was a journalist and as his job was a little spontaneous he had to. And although this upset Jess, she forgave him, she knew it wasn’t personal. How confident was that?

  We racked our brains to decide what to buy Jess for her birthday. I mean, what did you give a girl like Jess? In the end we decided on some cool make-up and a make-up bag. It would be something to show off in the office. Jess had taken the day off on the Friday to see her parents and collect her presents; she was due back on Saturday evening, in time for dinner with us. I had made a three-course French meal and it had taken me all day to prepare. It was good for me, therapeutic. Since Mark I had been a little scared of going out, in case I bumped into him, so doing this was helping to keep me occupied. I knew I probably wouldn’t bump into him, but I might have been tempted to stray into his regular haunts. You see, I never said I was over him, or that I didn’t miss him, oh, no: hating him and thinking him a slime-ball are totally different I also had Sophie to help me, which kept me entertained.

  ‘How’s the Thesp?’

  ‘Um, well, there’ve been a few problems there.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Well, you know we did the TV pilot ER for younger, uglier people?’ I nodded and laughed. ‘Well, it wasn’t a huge success and we found out last week that it wasn’t going to make us stars. Nik took it quite badly.’

  ‘Soph, I’m sorry. I was looking forward to having my mate on TV.’

  ‘That’s the thing. I’ve been offered to audition for another new TV drama. They liked what I did. And this is going to be a period drama and quite well done – it could be good for me. I’m so excited.’

  ‘Well, that’s great.’

  ‘Yeah, I know, but Nik, well, he thinks he should have been discovered, too, and he can’t understand why I’ve been asked to audition. He’s really upset about it.’

  ‘I suppose that’s a problem when you both work in the same area, especially as it’s such a competitive thing. It must be hard for one to see the other have more success.’ I couldn’t believe I was being nice about the Thesp but I was.