I Need You Here

by Cynthia P. O'Neill

  I swallowed hard, not realizing the extremes to which he’d gone to get what little information was available. “I’m sorry, man. If there’s something I can do to pay you back, return the favor or whatever—just let me know.”

  “I still feel like I owe you and your family everything, Rafe. Y’all have given me more than I could ever imagine.”

  Why couldn’t Ethan forgive himself for being behind the wheel of the car that had hit my sister? The accident was not his fault. Tom had slipped GHB into a drink meant for Nate, but Ethan ended up with it and passed out behind the wheel. My sister, however, died from an undiagnosed aneurysm, not the accident. But he still blamed himself and felt he had to prove something to us. I knew my brother-in-law, Jackson, still had issues with him, but hoped he’d come around soon.

  “You owe us nothing, dude. I’ll make it up to you somehow.” I looked over at the clock and realized I needed to get dressed. “Listen, I need to go. I forgot I was covering at the club tonight. We have a couple of dungeon masters out, so I need to get going. Let me know if you find anything else, or have any ideas where else to look or who to ask.”

  “Sure. Don’t get wicked on some girl’s ass tonight.” He quipped.

  “Other girls don’t interest me anymore, just Dawn. Catch you later, bro.”

  I didn’t have much time, so I threw on my leather pants, vest, black boots, and leather armband, signifying I was a DM for the night, and headed to the club to meet up with Kenny. Our family made it a point to never visit, or work at, the club on the same nights. While we’re all members, none of us needed to be privy to the others’ predilections.

  Kent was one of the club’s owners, a respected psychologist, and one of my parents’ closest friends. I thought he was too cool to be stuck with such a stuffy name, so I called him Kenny. As a young man I’d wanted to talk about things beyond basic sex. I wound up speaking with Kenny because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of taking to my parents. My only other option was Mr. Lombardi, but his son, Jackson, had just started dating my sister.

  All of the kids had gone to the others’ parents for talks about sex that extended beyond the basic birds and the bees. Dane and I had gone to Kenny. Jackson had also sought out Kenny’s advice, while his sister Brianna had gone to my parents. Kenny and Carol’s three kids split between my parents and Jackson’s parents for their discussions. Anyone living outside of the lifestyle might think it strange, but we all had questions and someone we trusted to answer them.

  As soon as I arrived at the club, I’d gotten my assignment. The bartender had called in sick and I was the only other one who knew most of the drinks. Great, just what I needed. I’d have every available chick trying to hit on me all night. I tried to suppress my disappointment.

  Kenny didn’t like the way I was looking. “Are you okay to work tonight?”

  I nodded, but I could tell he saw right through me and pulled me to the office. Thankfully, the club wasn’t scheduled to open for another 15 minutes. “What gives, Rafe? And don’t feed me that, ‘everything’s okay’, bullshit. I’ve known you for too long for you to try that crap. What’s going on in that mind of yours?”

  He took a seat behind the desk and motioned for me to take one across from him. I could feel the weight of the whole thing crushing me. So I finally told him everything, knowing he was one of the few people I could trust to keep it to himself.

  “I found out the person I think I’m in love with is on the run from something, or someone. I already told you she’s pushed me away by refusing to talk with me the past several months. I believe she’s hiding at Dane’s. I overheard Marissa say they needed to hide her.” I felt my blood pressure rising to the boiling point and smashed my fist down against my leg. “Damn it, I think she’s been hurt and no one will let me near her. Both our homes are under surveillance and, to make matters worse, I think her boss is the root of it all. He’s only existed on paper for the last seven years.”

  Kenny leaned forward and simply asked, “Are you willing to do anything for her?”

  I looked at him in disbelief––it was the same question Dane had asked when he’d walked me to my motorcycle and out of Marissa’s range of hearing earlier today.

  “Of course I would. I love her.” Oh. My. God. What did I just admit to? I’d only told Dane that I cared deeply for her.

  He laughed. “I thought you swore an oath to permanent bachelorhood. Are you telling me something’s changed?”

  I could tell he was using his psychiatric skills. “You know the reason why I said I’d never love anyone.”

  Kenny shook his head. “You never did explain that little tidbit to me. Why don’t you enlighten me, now?”

  “I saw how women used Dane for sex and money, then walked away from him like he was nothing, not giving a damn whether they hurt him or not. I’d fallen for some of the same shit in high school and college. Then there’s Nate and the shit his ex-girlfriend put him through, telling him she was pregnant with his child, when in reality it was her ex-boyfriend’s. However, Jackson’s the real reason. He loved my sister something fierce; they just connected on so many levels. He was crushed when she died. He still hasn’t gotten over it.”

  I looked up to see he was listening intently to me. “Have you seen how he buries himself in work and taking care of Nicola? That little girl is the only thing that seems to be keeping him alive. I don’t want to love someone, lose them, and become a shell of the man I am now.”

  “If you don’t want to risk a chance at love, then you should let her go and move on. Life is a gamble, Rafe. None of us are guaranteed anything in life. When an opportunity arises we have to decide whether to grab it and hold onto it with both hands, or to let it go. If you grab hold, then you have to live the experience to its fullest, trying to cherish every moment of it, even if the instant is short-lived. I don’t know about Jackson, but I’d rather experience the feeling of true love and know the joys of having lived it, than to never have loved at all. We never know, from one day to the next, when our time is up; so we can either live it, or just exist.”

  My mind was overwhelmed by his explanation. He was right though, we don’t know from one minute to the next if we even have a tomorrow. Did I want to be afraid of being hurt, or did I want the fulfillment of loving Dawn?

  “So, are you going to admit to me why you’re pursuing her?” A perceptive smile spread across his face.

  “Damn it, Kenny. You know I love her; I’m just scared, with everything going on, that I’ll lose her. Some crazy shit is happening, and I can’t even get her alone to talk to her.”

  “I’ll agree with you. Something’s definitely off with what you’ve told me. Listen, you need to keep an open mind to everything. She may have her reasons and until you know all the facts, you shouldn’t pass judgment.”

  I had to admit, the man was right. I needed to hear her side of the story. “How do I get to her?”

  I was shocked by his response. “Are you a Dom, or a pussy?” Just like him not to pull any punches.

  “Have you and Dane been talking? He asked me the same damn thing today, then told me to come by his office tomorrow to discuss a few things. What gives?” I was feeling rather insulted.

  Kenny reached for a mirror and held it up to me. “What do you see?”

  I didn’t know where he was going with this, but I peered into it and didn’t recognize my reflection anymore. I’d gone soft. I wasn’t surprised. I’d turned down several propositions from some of the customers at the club. Many didn’t believe that I’d ever settle on one person, so I began reciting the popular Andy Grammar song that’d been ripping up the airwaves lately with, “Honey, I’m Good”.

  I remember a bratty sub that had questioned, “What, you’ve found someone? I never thought I’d see the day Rafe would settle on one woman.” She’d been wearing a corset that barely contained her generous breasts and a tiny G-string, which left her bare pussy exposed. In the exhibition area, she had rubbed all of her asse
ts against me to see if I’d play. “You know, I could probably persuade you to forget about her.” Not a chance.

  I reached for the mirror and pulled it closer. “How the hell…” I had lost that hard edge I’d portrayed for years.

  “So are you a Dom, or a pussy?”

  I slammed the mirror down on the desk, nearly breaking it. “I’m a fucking Dom.”

  Kenny grabbed the mirror quickly, before I could destroy it. “So, does a Dom sit back and let things come to him, or does he take charge and get what he wants?”

  Dane told me he wanted to discuss dominance in his office tomorrow. I wonder if this was the conversation he’d planned? All I knew was that it was working.

  I rose from my seat, new purpose coursing through me. “I’m going after my sub and find out what the hell is going on. It’s time I take control of this situation and get some answers!”

  Kenny stood up and walked around the desk, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Now that’s talking like the Dom I taught you to be. You’ve got this; just remind yourself of who you are and what you want. If she’s on the run, she’s going to be scared, so you may have to coax things out of her. Now, let’s get tonight over with so you can get home and figure out how you’re going to get your subbie.”

  I WAS STILL FEELING jumpy and a bit tired from today’s earlier events, when Rafe showed up unexpectedly at the house. I’d managed to go downstairs and get a small plate of dinner, but couldn’t stand the pitying looks that Dane had given me, so I returned to my room.

  In one sense, he looked like he was concerned for my well-being. At the same time, he seemed to dislike me for the way I was pushing his brother away and hiding things from all of them. I couldn’t blame him, really. I might be putting his family in danger just by being near them. And how was I supposed to explain about Rafe? I wanted him. Oh, God did I ever, but I just couldn’t chance it. I knew Liam didn’t make empty threats.

  A soft knock sounded on the door before Marissa pushed it open. “Are you feeling up to talking now?” She’d asked softly.

  I nodded. “Come on in. We might as well get this over with. Where’s Dane?”

  She waved her hand dismissively, letting me know he wouldn’t be a bother. “He’ll be busy for a while. He’s on a conference call to Australia regarding a new wine we’re interested in acquiring for the buyers.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief knowing it would be just the two us. I had been sitting upright, resting against the bed’s headboard and motioned for her to join me, reminding me of similar talks we’d had as roommates.

  “Okay, hon. You went from liking Rafe, to dating him, to him being your world, and now you refuse to see or speak to him.” Her eyes got serious as she scrutinized my facial expressions. “I know you’ve slept with him, so don’t try to hide anything. Did he scare you? Did he exert his dominance, or do something you didn’t like?” She shook her head and grabbed my hand, gently squeezing it. “I’m sorry for all the questions, but I’m just trying to understand.”

  There was so much I wanted to tell Marissa. I took in a deep breath. “Rafe didn’t do anything wrong. I knew before we became intimate that he was a Dom. I’d even explained to him how I wasn’t sure I could be everything he wanted and how the idea of submission, while it turned me on in books, scared the hell out of me in reality.”

  “You shouldn’t be afraid of him. He’s one of the kindest, gentler, Doms I know. Come to think of it, none of the Prescotts are into heavy dominance, they just like to let off a little steam and exert levels of control in their sex lives when the rest of the world is sometimes out of it. Dane’s the one into the heavier stuff with the whip I was telling you about.”

  I knew there was horror on my face. “He really uses a whip on you, like in the books? I thought you were just kidding.”

  She shook her head. “It’s not as bad as you think. The mind has a way of making things seem worse than they really are. If the person is experienced wielding a bull whip, it can be quite a turn on, leaving no marks to speak of, just a nice tingling sensation like kisses landing across your skin. It helped put me into subspace the first time we tried it. I kept going back for more because the feeling was so surreal.”

  “He doesn’t do that to you now that you’re pregnant, right?”

  “No, Dawn. He’ll still tie me up, but he hasn’t wanted to smack my backside or use the whip since he discovered we were expecting. But he’s promised to make up for lost time after the baby’s born.”

  I sat back in amazement at my friend. I couldn’t believe this was the same Marissa. “Since when are you so confident talking about sex? You used to blush whenever I showed you a new book I was reading.”

  She blushed a bit. “I admit I was a prude, but Dane opened my eyes to things. He showed me that, through submission, I could let go of my worries by surrendering my body and mind over to him. I trusted him enough to know what I wanted and he’s provided it. He’s never taken me beyond anything I didn’t want. It’s through submission that I’ve become a stronger person, not weaker.”

  She grabbed my arm and made me look at her. “If you hope to join this family, you might as well lose your inhibitions. They are part owners of an exclusive sex club because no others exist in this area. It’s safe place for them to meet others in the lifestyle who accept and understand our various … eccentricities; while offering a safe place to learn, explore and escape the stress their everyday lives. We all talk a great deal. Not necessarily about the personal goings on in our bedrooms or playrooms, but we don’t hold much back.”

  I nodded. My voice was shaky, but it was time to tell her. “I understand what you’re saying. Rafe and I had several discussions about the lifestyle. We talked in detail. I asked questions, he provided answers.”

  I smiled remembering a conversation we’d had about the books I’d been reading. “He went as far as buying a few of my favorite novels and asked me to highlight the passages that interested me, and we read them together. He’d ask me why I liked those selections and I’d tell him how they made me feel. We started out with Ann Montgomery’s ‘Unhinge Me’ and ‘Unravel Me’. He’d explained that I seemed to like the dominance Caleb wielded over Alexandria, and I think he’s right. I loved when Caleb couldn’t keep his hands off her, having wild and passionate sex anywhere and everywhere. The two men I’d been with prior to Rafe were so boring, a little too vanilla for me.”

  Her eyes lit up with excitement. “Based on all the books you read, I could have told you that you didn’t like boring vanilla sex. So, what other books did you read?”

  I took a deep breath in. “We moved on to books with darker themes. You know, where men didn’t force women to have sex, but they made sure all the control was theirs. Then we read some that had full on bondage and discipline.”

  “And?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “He’d told me that I was probably a submissive. I’d argued that I’m too independent to be a sub, but he reminded me that most of the women in the books I read were very strong willed individuals who had successful careers by day, but surrendered to their men at night.”

  I looked up to see Marissa try to stifle a laugh. “What’s so funny?”

  “You are.” She got herself under control long enough to pose the question, “Would you peg me as a submissive?”

  I thought about it a minute and shook my head. “Tom had made you cower a bit, but you’re too strong willed. Yet you say you submit to Dane —”

  “If you trust the man you’re with, submission comes easily. Dane’s told me he wants me as his equal during the day, but at night I’m his … and I am. I surrender myself freely to him and I’ve never been happier.” She got a little serious as she laid her hand on mine, “When I surrender to him it makes me feel free to explore who I really am. A year ago I would’ve told someone they were nuts if they thought I’d ever surrender to a man, allowing myself to be tied up and whipped.”

  A lot of things changed since we graduated, and
not just Marissa becoming bolder. No one would’ve ever pegged Nate to be a Dom, or knew that Dane had known him for some time and introduced him to the lifestyle. I’d have never thought that Ashley and her husband Brian would’ve lasted this long, given their work schedules and having to often fly off to different locations on business, but somehow it worked. She’d mentioned once that they were giving The Shanty, Dane’s family’s sex club a try and found it therapeutic. And here I had been conned by one man’s promise of my dream job, only to discover he had other ideas and proceeded to make my life a living hell.

  I recalled the things Rafe had directed me to do while we Skyped with one another. He’d assured me that I was a natural sub, and that my willingness to do as he asked showed my trust in him. And in a way, I did.

  We’d definitely turned it up a notch when I’d come back for Ashley’s wedding. Rafe had been the perfect gentleman, never pushing further than I could go, showing me an amazing time in Orlando. We’d only managed a little heavy petting because my time had run out and I had to return to work. I didn’t want to sleep with someone only to leave immediately with no opportunity to explore things further.

  “Rafe and I had dated while I was in town for Ashley’s wedding. We had an amazing time, slowly becoming intimate, but we still hadn’t had sex. By the time I was comfortable enough for that, it was time for me to go back to Atlanta.”

  I can’t tell her my boss had me followed when I was down here. He was furious that I’d been dating while I was away. I didn’t understand why he was so upset—he’s married and has kids, so there’s no way I was going anywhere near him. He started giving me longer work assignments, taking over every facet of my life: how long I worked, where I lived, what I ate, and to whom I spoke. I guess he’d decided that if he couldn’t have me, because I certainly would be no one’s dirty little secret, then no one would. How could I tell her that Liam was the reason I started pushing Rafe away? Maybe I could tell her a little.