Devour

by E. K. Blair

  “Just grab a few pairs of jeans.”

  “Which ones? You have like fifty pairs in here.”

  Laughing at his dramatics, I say, “It doesn’t matter.”

  He walks out of my closet and puts them in my suitcase while I am going through my dresser.

  “Could you grab everything that is sitting on my bathroom counter?”

  “Yeah.”

  When I dig back in my top drawer to find my wool socks, I come across something I haven’t seen in seven months. Pulling it out, I look at it, and I’m immediately taken back to that sterile hospital room. Jase was with me, never letting go of my hand, while the nurse scraped Jack’s bloody flesh from under my nails. I can still feel the stinging of my eyes as my salty tears flowed effortlessly.

  I stash Detective Patterson’s business card back in the drawer and close it when I hear Ryan walk out of the bathroom.

  “Is this everything?” he asks.

  “Umm . . . yeah,” I say as I continue to stand at my dresser, but when my voice comes out shaky, Ryan doesn’t miss it.

  “Babe,” he says, and he walks over to me. Placing his hands on my arms, he continues, “I’m sorry about last night. I should have made sure you took your pill.”

  I don’t correct him when he assumes my mood shift is due to my lack of sleep.

  “No, it’s not your fault. It’s fine.”

  Kissing my forehead, we move around my room and finish packing my bags. I put in my dance DVDs that I picked up from the studio the other day.

  “Okay, I think that’s everything.” I zip everything shut and Ryan grabs both bags off of my bed, and I lock up as we head out.

  I sleep most of the drive to Oregon, but Ryan wakes me up as he exits the highway.

  “Where are we?” I say, still groggy.

  “Portland.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want to stop by Voodoo Doughnut. I’m starving.”

  “Do we really need to drive all the way into the city to get a doughnut?” I groan.

  Looking at me with all seriousness, he says, “Yes.”

  Giving him a half smile, I shake my head. We drive through the city and when we find a parking space, we walk, and get in the line that wraps around the building.

  Standing in line with a variety of sugar-crazed Portland hippies, we finally make our way inside the artsy grunge doughnut shop. I stand next to the glass display and stare at the insane doughnuts that rotate on the round trivets. I look over at Ryan and ask, “You’re really going to eat one of those?”

  “You are too. What do you want?”

  “None.”

  “Okay, then, I’ll pick for you.”

  Shaking my head, still feeling tired, I let him choose for me.

  Looking down at me, he gets an evil grin and says, “I’m getting you the cock and balls doughnut.”

  “Ryan!” I elbow him in the ribs and start looking at the menu behind the registers.

  He’s still laughing at me when the girl behind the register starts taking our order.

  I carry the pink box and set it on one of the tables outside. I pull out my doughnut that is covered in Fruit Loops, and Ryan takes his creepy voodoo doll-looking doughnut with a pretzel stick that is stabbed through the heart. I laugh at him when he bites off the head and winks at me.

  We take our time as we get wired on sugar and laugh together. When the light mist starts to thicken into heavier drops, I toss the remainder of my doughnut that I’m too full to finish, and we head back to the car to resume our drive to Cannon Beach.

  We get to his mom’s house about an hour later, and it’s close to dinnertime. I am so happy to see Donna, and she is sweet enough to help Ryan unpack my bags when she sees how tired I am. Ryan explains to her that I had a rough night, and she goes downstairs to get me some hot tea.

  Running his hands up and down my arms, he asks, “Are you hungry, babe?”

  “No, I’m just so tired my head hurts,” I say as I rest my forehead on his chest.

  “Why don’t you change and lie down?”

  When I get into bed, Donna knocks on the door and sets the tea down on the nightstand along with a couple of aspirin.

  “Ryan said you had a headache.”

  “Thanks. I’m sorry to come and just crash.”

  “Sweetie, please. Don’t worry about me.” As she closes the blinds she tells me that Ryan is eating a quick dinner and will come up when he’s done. I take the aspirin along with my sleeping pill, and after a few sips of the hot tea, I doze off.

  Waking in a haze in the middle of the night, Ryan is wrapped around me. I roll over to face him, and when I do, he begins to stir.

  “Everything, okay?” he whispers as he tucks me closer to him.

  “Mmm hmm.” I weave my legs with his and close my eyes again, drifting easily back to sleep.

  

  “How are you feeling?” Donna asks as she sits down with me on the couch and hands me a cup of coffee.

  “Much better, thanks.”

  “Hey,” Ryan says as he comes down the stairs, already dressed for the day.

  “Good morning,” his mom says when he walks over and sits on the couch with us.

  “So, you two are going to have the day to yourselves. Marci called me this morning and I have to drive into Portland to go over and sign off on some tax documents. While I’m there I’m going to meet with a friend of mine for a late lunch, so I won’t be home till around six or so. But I have no plans for the rest of week. This just popped up yesterday.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Mom. I was going to see if I could convince Candace to hop on a surfboard with me.”

  “What?!” I say as I jerk my head to look at him.

  “I just checked the weather and the waves should be pretty good at the beach we went to the last time you were here.”

  “That water’s going to be freezing, Ryan.”

  He laughs at me and says, “That’s why you wear a wetsuit, babe.”

  His mother interjects and says, “Well, have fun with that, Candace,” dripping in playful sarcasm. “I need to go get ready. I’ll see you guys later tonight.”

  Ryan and I head up to his room, and when I get out of the shower, I wrap a towel around myself to go grab some clothes.

  “Fuck, babe,” Ryan says as I walk into the bedroom.

  “Don’t start,” I say as I lay my hand on his chest, keeping him from coming any closer. “Your mother is downstairs.”

  “I don’t care who the fuck is downstairs when the only thing covering your wet body is that towel.”

  “That’s why I’m getting my clothes.”

  I quickly grab my clothes and run back into the bathroom before Ryan can strip the towel off of me. Once I’m dressed and walk back out, he says, “Tori has an extra wetsuit in my closet that should fit you okay.”

  “What?”

  “Surfing. You and me.”

  “I’m fine with trying anything new, but that water is freezing.”

  “I promise, when you’re in that wetsuit, you’ll be fine. Tori loves to surf, so she has her wetsuit here and some swimsuits in my closet.”

  

  When we get to Indian Beach, the wind is just as strong as the last time we were here. The mist is thick, and the skies are dark and heavy with clouds today. I grab one of the blankets that Ryan put in the car before we left the house and wrap it around me when I get out. Ryan unhooks the boards from the top of the jeep, and we head down the wooden stairs to the wet and rocky beach. I stop and watch the rough waves as they crash along the shore. If ever there was a time I worried about breaking a leg, it’s now.

  Holding out his hand for me, he says, “Come on.”

  I shrug off my blanket, toss it on the stairs, and follow him out.

  “Ryan, I’m going to hurt myself.”

  He chuckles and says, “No, you won’t.”

  “That water looks rough. There’s no way I’m getting up on that
board.”

  “You’re getting up, babe.”

  When we get to the water, he drops the boards on the ground and starts telling me everything I hope I need to know to not kill myself. He shows me how to pop up on the board, and I have no problems showing him I am fully capable.

  I take the hairband from my wrist and tie my hair up on top of my head, as Ryan straps the cord around my ankle.

  When he stands up, he gives me a quick kiss and says with a big smile, “I fuckin’ love that you’re doing this.”

  “You know I’m willing to try almost anything, but don’t get your hopes up. I don’t think I’ll be able to get up.”

  Grabbing me and pulling me up against him, he leans down to my neck and says, “If you get up, I’ll get up for you later,” and then starts sucking on my neck.

  I smack his arm and push him away as he’s laughing.

  “You’re so gross!”

  “Pick up your board. Let’s go,” is his only response.

  

  I ended up having a pretty great time with Ryan in the water. When he wasn’t trying to get frisky with me, I managed to get up on the board a few times. After several hours, we decide to head back to the house. I’ve been wrapped up in blankets since we got in the car to try and get warm again.

  When we get back to the house, I run upstairs to take a shower while Ryan makes us sandwiches.

  I turn the water on and step into the large glassed-in shower when steam begins to fill the room. My body is freezing and even though the water is scalding on my skin, I’m still shivering. I close my eyes and let the water wash over me as it slowly starts to warm me up.

  I’m startled when I hear the door open.

  “What are you doing?!” I squeal when Ryan closes the glass door behind him and wraps his arms around my waist.

  “It’s time to ante up, babe.” Dipping his head under the running water, he pushes me against the cool wall, and slides his hand back through his wet hair.

  Running my hand up and around his neck, he lowers his head to mine and kisses me. He easily pulls me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist, locking my ankles. The air is thick with steam, making my breathing labored as Ryan nibbles playfully along my neck and ear.

  I’ve been wishing that there was someone just like him, and now that he’s found me, I feel like he has the power to pull me though this madness that has been consuming me.

  His wet hand lingers down my neck to my breast, and he presses into me harder. Dropping my head into the curve of his shoulder, I breathe, “I want you.”

  “I don’t have anything with me in here.”

  “It’s okay. I’ve been on the pill for a while. I trust you.”

  He pulls his head back and gives me a confused look. “When did you get on the pill, babe?”

  “I’ve been on it. I got it . . .” I drop my head for a second and when I look back up at him I tell him, “I got on it after what happened.”

  He goes on to assure me that he’s always been safe and that he’s never had unprotected sex. I know he would never hurt me, and I trust him, so I don’t hesitate when I reaffirm that I want him.

  As his bare flesh touches mine, a ragged breath leaves his chest.

  “Fuck, babe, you feel so good.”

  I love knowing I can give this to him, that he can have me completely, with nothing to separate us. We proceed to spend a lengthy amount of time in the shower making love to each other.

  

  After we eat lunch, we decide to spend the rest of the day being lazy in bed. I pull out the DVDs that he had asked for, and as we lie in bed, we watch a production from last year. I show him the two ensembles that I had lead placements in and one of my duets with Maxim.

  As he’s watching one of the ensembles where I have a standout solo, a hint of a smile appears, and for some reason, that tiny gesture has the biggest effect on me. I scoot down in the bed and nestle my head on his chest as he watches me dance.

  “I don’t know shit about dancing, babe, but you’re amazing,” he says as he continues to watch.

  I can’t help but laugh at him and wrap my arm snuggly around his stomach. When the clip changes to my duet, I know it won’t take him too long to make one of his possessive comments, so I close my eyes and just wait for it.

  “Hmm . . .” is all I hear him say for a while, and then it comes. “I don’t like that dude’s hands all over you.”

  “Ryan, his hands have to be on me for all the lifts.”

  “His hands are on you for more than just lifts, Candace.”

  A giggle escapes me and he says, “I’m serious, his hands are all over you.”

  “He’s gay!”

  “I don’t give a shit. I still don’t like it.”

  He is really unbelievable, but I love him all the same, so I simply laugh it off.

  When the video ends, he tells me again and again how amazing I am, then proceeds to tell me how incredibly turned on he is, so we get a little playful before opting for a nap in the middle of the day. Having this time to be with him like this is making the thought of graduation that much harder. I love him, and I’m pretty sure I would never move away from him. I push all that aside for the moment and simply relish him.

  

  Ryan and I decided to spend the rest of the week at his mom’s. Both of us have enjoyed the down time. I love spending time with Donna. We have made a couple days out of shopping and dining. But it’s the best when we stay home for dinner, and I can help her cook and clean up. It feels very comfortable and normal, and I crave that feeling at this point.

  Ryan took me surfing again, and another day we took his jeep to Long Beach in Washington. We had fun driving up and down the sand along the water. We spent the day out there, building a small fire pit and wrapping up in blankets. I could have spent hours in his arms, staring out at the ocean.

  I can’t help but feel like part of his family when I’m with him and Donna. I’m sad to be leaving today, but so happy we got to have this week together. As I’m finishing getting ready in the bathroom, Ryan is packing our bags.

  When I slip on my sweatshirt, my jeans tug down enough so that I can see a hint of my heart. I don’t like what this tattoo reminds me of, and for some reason, I don’t think Ryan likes it either. I’ve never asked him, but sometimes when we make love he covers it with his hand.

  I shift my pants down slightly to look at it in the mirror. I’ve considered having it removed, but I’ve never done anything to look into what that would involve.

  When Ryan opens the door, I quickly yank my shirt down and turn to face him.

  Cocking his head, he questions, “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing.”

  He steps over to me and places his hand over mine, which is still holding onto my top. He only looks in my eyes as he lifts my hand and exposes the heart.

  I know he’s curious, so I admit, “I don’t like it.”

  He lowers my hand and shirt. “Why?”

  “Because it’s not me. I was trying to be someone different, and it only led to bad things.”

  He looks confused and asks, “What do you mean?”

  “I got it in a moment of rebellion, I guess. It was stupid, really. I got it and started acting foolishly, which led to . . . umm . . .”

  Ryan stops me so I don’t have to finish. “I get it. But, babe, nothing you did led to that.”

  I can’t look at him because I know if I’d never behaved that way, if I’d never led him on, it wouldn’t have happened. When I walk out of the bathroom, he follows and grabs my arm.

  “Wait. You know that, right?”

  When I look at him, I know he can read it all over my face. And by the look on his face, he hadn’t known that I felt the way I do.

  “Come here,” he says as he sits on the side of the bed and pulls me next to him. “Tell me you don’t think that.”

  The way he says his words almost make me feel stupid. Like some
how I don’t understand, but I do.

  When I don’t speak, he says, “Babe, there is nothing you could have possibly done to deserve that.”

  My throat begins to tighten when the tears come, and I begin to get upset at myself for showing this weakness. I shift away from Ryan and begin choking back breaths to stop the crying, which is actually making it worse. He pulls me back to him, but I keep my head turned away.

  “Shit, babe. I had no idea this is how you felt.”

  My voice trembles when I say, “Please, don’t.”

  “I need you to talk to me about this. You have it all wrong. What that guy did was fucked up, babe, and you didn’t do shit to deserve what he did to you.”

  I don’t even bother trying to stifle the tears, and I’m pissed that I can’t hold myself together. I yell at Ryan through my cries, “You don’t get it, Ryan! What I did was stupid, and I completely led him on. It wasn’t right, and I knew it, but I did it anyway.”

  “What the fuck could you have possibly done, because I know you, Candace, and I know you couldn’t have led him on that much. But that shit doesn’t even matter because you could’ve stripped down in front of him, and you still didn’t deserved to be raped.”

  “Don’t say that fucking word, Ryan!” I sob out and then begin crying uncontrollably.

  He pulls me into his arms and begins apologizing when I lose control and tell him, “I didn’t even really like him, but I was stupid and lonely, so I would let him kiss me, knowing that I didn’t like him. And I fucking hate my mother for this, because if it wasn’t for her being such a bitch, I never would have gone out with him.”

  Ryan tries to get me to stop, but I continue. “You just don’t get it. I did lead him on, and I pissed him off. I never should’ve acted like that. I should’ve just been honest.”

  “This isn’t your fault,” he says sternly, and I snap back, “Yes, it is!”

  Not releasing his hold on me, he says again, “It isn’t your fault, Candace.”

  Turning into him, I fist his shirt in my hands and cry, “But it is.”

  He doesn’t say anything else. We wind up lying down in bed for a while until I calm down. We lie face to face, and with my eyes closed, I finally speak. “It’s been seven months, Ryan.”

  “I know, babe.”