Devour
Page 38
I’ve been working so hard in therapy, but now I think this whole New York thing is just something I’m forcing, to try and prove to myself that I am strong enough to do it, to stop clinging and be independent. But what if what I am actually clinging to now is the dream? A dream that really isn’t my dream anymore. Because when I close my eyes it’s never there. It’s Ryan. What if the choice that takes the most strength is not the choice to get on that plane, but the choice to know that I shouldn’t get on that plane? I snap out of my thoughts when realization suddenly hits me. What am I doing?
Grabbing my purse, I stand up and start pushing my way through the crowds in the terminal. I run by the security check and find the exit. I fly down the escalators and when I run out the sliding doors, I hail the first cab that I see. I hop in the back seat and give the driver the address.
Pulling out my phone, I go through my call history and find the number I’m looking for. I tap it and after a few rings a woman answers, “PNB. How may I help you?”
“Is Peter Kirchner available?”
“May I ask who’s calling?”
“Candace Parker.”
“One moment please.”
Butterflies swarm in my stomach as I wait. I’m on hold, hoping that I still have a chance to sign with them.
“Ms. Parker, this is Peter. How can I help you?”
“Hi, Mr. Kirchner. I was actually wondering if it was too late to be considered for placement in your company.”
“What happened to the American Ballet Theatre?”
“It wasn’t the right choice for me.”
“Why don’t you come in on Monday, and we can get all those papers signed? We would be honored to have you.”
“Thank you. Really. I will see you Monday.”
“See you then.”
When the cab stops, I hand over the money, get out, and start walking up the drive to the stairs that lead to his front door. I ring the bell and immediately start crying, feeling a total overload of emotions.
When the door opens, my breath catches, and he takes one look at me and asks, “What are you doing here? I just got off the phone with Jase. He said he dropped you off at the airport.”
“I can’t go. I’m so sorry. I can’t do it.”
“What do you mean you can’t do it?”
“Because . . . I love you too much to leave. And I miss you. And I made a huge mistake by leaving you. I’m so sorry,” I cry out.
When he wraps me in his arms, I know this is where I belong. This is my dream.
“Baby, you didn’t make any mistakes.”
“I did. And I know I hurt you. But, I’m so sorry. I can’t go because I can’t leave you. I don’t want to leave you.”
Pulling me inside, he closes the door, and he walks me over to the couch. When we sit down, he says, “I can’t let you give up on your dream. I can’t.”
“But, it’s not my dream. I was just hanging on to it because I was scared to see that it really wasn’t what I wanted. It’s you. It’s always been you.”
When he crushes his lips to mine, I wrap my hand around his neck and climb onto his lap, straddling his legs. Ryan bands his arms around me and holds on tight. He pulls away for a moment and tells me, “I’ve missed you so much, babe. You have no fucking idea.”
“I love you. I’m sorry I’ve been so stupid and wasted all this time when all I really wanted was to be here with you.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I fucked up. I hurt you, and you’ll never know how much I regret it.”
“I don’t blame you, Ryan. I did, but I don’t anymore. I just want to be with you.”
He cradles my cheeks and wipes my tears with his thumbs. “I don’t ever want to lose you again.”
“You won’t. I’m yours.”
Our affectionate kisses are laced with passion, making up for lost time. Picking me up, I lock my ankles around his waist as he carries me upstairs. He lays me down on his bed and crawls on top of me. I’ve missed this bed, being wrapped up with him in these sheets, smelling his scent all around me, feeling his warmth.
He reaches back, pulls his shirt off over his head, and tosses it aside. I look at the tattoo that’s on his ribs and read the words again: pain is a reminder you’re still alive. I sit up and brush my fingers across his scar and over the words. I tilt my head back to look up at him and he says, “I couldn’t breathe without you.”
I reach up and run my hand along his jaw. “I need you.”
And with words unspoken, he presses me down with his weight wholly on top of me, and I soften into him. I let my arms float above me as he takes his time peeling off my shirt. He slides his hands from my neck, over my breasts, along my stomach, and when he gets to my pants, he unhooks them and pulls them off, along with my heels. When he removes his pants, he lies down next to me, and I wrap my leg around his hip as we are face to face.
We move slowly as we reclaim each other after being apart for these past two months. Our hands explore, and I relax into the heat of his body. I feel the peace that had been missing since I left him return to my heart, and I’m whole under his touch.
Ryan unhooks my bra and drops it to the floor with the rest of our clothing. He trails his lips over my sensitive flesh and licks my nipple with his hot tongue before covering it with his mouth, sucking gently. My head rolls back into the pillow as my body lifts and presses into his, needing more. When he reaches down and drags his hand between my legs, feeling what he does to me when we’re together, I release a moan. His touches are intimate and exactly what I need right now.
Shifting between my legs and running his hands up my knees and down along my inner thighs, he looks down at me, “God, you’re so beautiful.” I reach up and bring him to me, melding my mouth with his. When I feel him enter me, he parts my lips with his tongue and licks slow and deep, freely exploring each other’s mouths. My arms wrap around his neck as his hips roll over me, pushing himself deeper inside. Our breaths are labored, and our moans fill the room.
He rolls us over, and I’m spread across his lap as he sits up to keep our bodies close. He wraps his hands around my shoulders as I slowly begin to roll my hips into him. We take our time with each other. I love that Ryan can be this way with me, open and vulnerable, never rushing. He’s the only one who can make me feel so safe when I bare my entire self; he’s the only one I want to.
With one of his hands on my hip, guiding me, and the other on my cheek, I wrap mine behind his head and weave my fingers into his unruly hair as my body begins to climb.
He doesn’t even need to ask as we look into each other’s eyes. I know he likes to watch me. My body begins to quiver beneath his hands as my hips rock into him, and I grip his hair in my fists. “Let go, baby.” I drop my forehead to his as his blue eyes pierce mine, and I fall apart in his arms. A carnal moan escapes the both of us as he pushes himself deep inside of me and finds his release too, gripping his fingers tightly onto my body.
I fuse my lips with his, never wanting to let go as he lays us down on our sides, bodies still connected, facing each other. I’ve missed this so much, and I don’t even try to hold back my tears. I love this man from a place inside that I never knew existed. He’s saved me in a way I never knew a person could be saved. He holds me close, and it’s only when I sniff that he pulls back from our kiss. “Babe.”
Looking at him, I take my time before saying, “I never want to know what life is without you.”
He reaches down and pulls the sheets over us as we tangle our legs. “You won’t ever have to.”
We continue to hold each other and kiss until we drift off together.
I wake from our afternoon nap, and the mist from earlier is now coming down harder. I lay in Ryan’s arms for a while as I watch the raindrops trickle down the windows. I never knew home until now. It’s with him, in this house, in this bed. My mind and body are free of doubt. This is my dream. He is my amazing.
Looking back over
my shoulder at him, his eyes still closed as he sleeps, I know I will never love as powerfully as I do with him. I reach down, grab his discarded t-shirt, and shrug it on as I make my way to the bathroom. I flick on the light and before I can close the door, I see my necklace lying next to his sink. Walking over and looking down at it, I see that he got the chain fixed from when I ripped it off my neck. I run my finger along the etched letters: And though she be but little, she is fierce.
Looking up, I see that my toothbrush is still next to the other sink along with a bottle of my perfume. Warm arms slowly snake around my waist as his lips press into my neck. Our eyes meet in the reflection of the mirror. “I could never let you go.”
He picks up the necklace and clasps it back around my neck where it belongs. I will never be close enough to him to satisfy me. Maybe it was supposed to be like this all along; maybe I needed the pain of losing Ryan to make me finally pull myself out of the madness. Maybe I just had to lose him for a moment to keep myself from fading.
Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. Approximately 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim. And only 46% of assaults are reported to the police.
You just read about Candace who suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Flashbacks, Sleep Terror Disorder, and Nightmares.
These are only a few of the effects one can experience after being sexually assaulted.
There is help.
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1.800.656.HOPE
National Sexual Assault Online Hotline
ohl.rainn.org/online/
Visit www.rainn.org to find more information and resources.
Other Titles in the Fading Series
Freeing
(book 2)
Knowing who you are and accepting who you are come at different prices.
Jase Kinrick grew up in your typical, all-American household. But after the death of his sister, his parents shut down, forcing him to deal with everything life throws his way alone. Terrified of the person he’s discovering himself to be, Jase has his way with every willing girl to try and rid himself of what he fears he is—gay.
Escaping California and moving to Seattle to attend the University of Washington, Jase frees himself to the reality that he likes men. Never staying with any guy long enough to get to know them, he doesn’t realize that he’s still hiding from who he is until he meets Mark. Scared of having real feelings for another guy stirs up the questions and fears he’s fought hard to bury.
To strip away the barriers to the heart of what is real, and to be okay with what lies underneath, will be Jase’s moment of truth. But he’ll need Mark to lead him there.
**This is a companion novel to the USA Today Bestseller, FADING.**
Falling
(book 3)
Sometimes it takes someone else to show us what we are truly capable of becoming.
Suffering from years of violent abuse, Ryan Campbell has learned how to keep people from getting too close. But when you shut yourself off, people get hurt along the way. Never caring much about others, Ryan creates a world in which he doesn’t have to feel.
When Ryan meets Candace Parker, all of his walls slowly begin to crumble. Not sure of the truth of who she is, he feels his mind is playing tricks on him. Unable to force out the thoughts that consume him, Ryan is haunted by visions that torment him every time he looks at her. He finds himself swallowed by guilt and blame, but he’s unwilling to turn his back on the one person that could possibly save him.
You’ve heard Candace’s story in Fading, now hear Ryan’s.
Upcoming Releases
The Black Lotus Series
Bang
(book 1)
(Releasing May 22, 2014)
They say when you take revenge against another you lose a part of your innocence.
But I’m not innocent.
I haven’t been for a very long time.
My innocence was stolen from me. Taken was the life I was supposed to have. The soul I was born with. The ruby heart embedded in a life full of hopes and dreams.
Gone.
Vanished.
I never even had a choice.
I mourn that life. Mourn the what-ifs.
Until now.
I’m ready to take back what was always meant to be mine.
But every plan has a fatal flaw. Sometimes it’s the heart.
**Due to the dark and explicit nature of this book, it is recommended for mature audiences only as some scenes may be particularly disturbing.*
Echo
(book 2)
(Releasing Late 2014)
Hush
(book 3)
(Release date unknown)
Connect with E.K. Blair
www.EKBLAIR.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ekblairauthor
Twitter: EK_Blair_Author
Acknowledgements
Deciding to write a novel did not come easy. There was a lot of self-doubt before I actually typed my first word. I never could have anticipated the power of this journey. It took the support and encouragement of many people to make this book a possibility.
It was my husband who first told me that I should write a book. I honestly thought he had lost his mind. But he saw something in me that I never knew was even there. He believed in me when I first started stumbling through the prologue. It was his encouragement that kept me going, and before long, I became unstoppable. I am so lucky to have such an amazing man in my life that provided me the freedom I needed to immerse myself in this book. He took on all mommy and daddy duties, along with all the cooking and cleaning while I typed my heart out. I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you, there is no bottom.
This story would not be as beautiful as it is without Gina Smith. She has been with me from the first days of creating the plot for a book I didn’t know the story to. I quickly deemed her my ‘Creative Assistant.’ She sparked the ideas for many of the scenes and helped me create the hauntingly romantic love story between Candace and Ryan. I could not have written this book without her guidance. We have clocked many hours on the phone and on the computer doing massive research to ensure that I was accurate in what I was writing, even down to map-questing drives to calculate timing. I will forever be indebted to her. Being able to share the love for my story and the love for my characters with her was such an amazing experience. I couldn’t imagine ever writing a book without her by my side.
My editor had her work cutout for her. Lisa Christman, from Adept Edit’s, is such an amazing person. An honest friend is hard to come by, but I found one in her. Brilliant and amazing. She not only encouraged me through this whole process, but she guided me in the right direction with my characters. Candace was not an easy person to write, but Lisa made it a possibility. I will never forget all your pep talks and comforting words when stress was getting the best of me. Thank you for taking this book so seriously, but also knowing when to use your humor to get me through all the editing. You will never know how hard some of your editing comments made me laugh and what that did for my stress. You really stepped up to the plate and delivered. You are such a dear friend, and I love you!
Thank you to the Haborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington for guiding me and educating me. Making sure I told a true story was so important to me, and you made that a reality for me. Thank you Rene Langston for sharing your knowledge and assisting me with the hospital scenes. You kept me on track and made sure every detail was addressed down to the HIPPA laws. You also motivated me in so many ways to follow this dream and make it a reality. Your enthusiasm kept a smile on my face.
To include remarks about everyone who contributed to this book would be entirely too long, so here are the Cliffs Notes: My mother for enrolling me in my first dance class and giving me the freedom to grow in my love for the art. My father and step-mother for the constant support and excitement during this journey. All my beta-readers for opening your hearts to
this story and helping me polish the book. Your hard work did not go unnoticed. You all were the cheerleaders I needed to get to the finish line. Maxim Malevich who shot the amazing cover. No other photo could ever measure up. You are absolutely brilliant. Sarah Hansen for hunting down Maxim when all I had was a photo and a dream to have it grace my cover. You made it happen, and I can’t thank you enough for turning the photo into an amazing cover. To my Indie Chixx writing group for helping me learn the ropes in this crazy world of self-publishing. The support you girls give is amazing. And to all of my friends and family who gave me the motivation I needed during the madness of writing this novel. This story was a hard one to write and countless tears were shed. I could not have done it with you all!
Thank You!
Very Bad Things
A Briarcrest Academy Novel
Ilsa Madden-Mills
Very Bad Things
Book One
Briarcrest Academy Series
Copyright © 2013 by Ilsa Madden-Mills
Cover Photography by Toski Covey Photography
Cover Design by Sommer Stein of Perfect Pear Designs
Cover Model Mariah Jane
Editing by Kristin Anders of The Romantic Editor
Formatting by JT Formatting
Little Dove Publishing
ISBN
9780989780704
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the above copyright owner of this book or publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked statue and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.