When I Wake Up

by Macedo, Ana Paula

At any moment it would be lunchtime. Nancy wanted to give us privacy. I thought she was the best mother in the world. She wanted the best for Roy, and in my opinion, I was the best. I was the girl who had fallen in love with him, had secretly kept that love in my heart for many years and did not think twice when the opportunity to redeem this love had come to my door. But was a person who acts the way I acted the best for him? Or was I simply an obsessed person? She probably realized that I had not married Roy for the fifteen thousand dollars. Nancy knew I had accepted the offer because I had feelings for him. What she did not know about me, was the fear that consumed me. The fear of being rejected again. Of not being able to take this relationship forward.

  I always dreamed of a fairy tale, with castles, princes and princesses, which has always been part of my imagination. But now that I had finally managed to enter the castle, I was afraid that I might not remain in it. Maybe it would have been better if I had left everything as it was. However, I made myself available once again to a feeling that was trying to finish me off. How did this feeling enter my heart? Just from a kiss between two teenagers or maybe there was something else there that I had not yet realized?

  “Let's have lunch today my love?” Roy invited me.

  “Your mother does not want to go?” I replied.

  “She wants to give us some privacy,” he told me.

  “But it's Christmas, Roy,” I said.

  “I know, but she has spent many Christmases with me and now she wants me to spend the day with you.” He replied.

  That was how our first true romantic lunch was planned. Roy and I would be having lunch together in a beautiful, simple and old style restaurant. Old style like our love or at least like my love for him. But does Roy truly have feelings for me? Not that I thought that he was fooling me. It was not that. Roy was sincere. I was just afraid that he was confusing his feelings.

  I was dressed in simple and beautiful clothes. Roy as usual looked handsome. The restaurant had glasses all around it. The tables, chairs, everything looked old style.

  We ordered food and sat there waiting. While we waited for typical Brazilian food for Christmas, I was surprised by Roy's words:

  “Sophia, what happened between us yesterday was not just one night stand. I'd like to really try to get to know you.”

  “But I live in New York, Roy. How can we maintain a long distance relationship?”

  “We can try while we are together here. During this time we can see if things work out well between us.”

  “And when I get back to New York?” I asked.

  “Sophia, I see something special in you. You have a mysterious way of being that I like. It is like you kept emotional secrets that you will not share with anyone. I want to discover your secrets. I've realized that behind your looks there are many mysteries. I want to get to know you better. I think you're wonderful, Sophia. Let’s try?”

  My ears did not want to believe what I was hearing. Of course, Roy was not offering me an everlasting love. Just an opportunity to try, but I was not expecting it. Yes, I had imagined it, fantasized it, but had never seen the chance of that happening. But Roy was in front of me, saying special things about me. Not that I had never heard special things in my life. I had already heard them, but not coming from Roy, who I had always dreamed of. Part of me wanted to embrace this occasion. The other part just wanted to run away.

  Now I was faced with an obstacle: having Roy in a relationship with me and the risk of losing him. But was all these really happening to me or I was just fantasizing? Was I there in Florida with Roy or was it just my imagination that would not give up and kept writing chapters about my life?

  Everything seemed to be so complex that once again I needed an escape. I felt like I had taken a drug or perhaps was being deprived from it, and consequently a disorder of thoughts took over my mind, not wanting to let me distinguish between reality and the product of my imagination.

  I always considered myself to be a dull person. It was like I was ignored by others. Unnoticed. But Roy told me he thought I was mysterious and wanted to get to know my emotions.

  He did not know that my biggest mystery was daydreaming. This is a secret that I will take with me to the grave, because I think there is no one who can unravel it. They have told me that there is a God who knows all the secrets. As I have not yet been introduced to him, I prefer to think that my secret is known only to myself.

  Sometimes I wonder if there are other people who also daydream. If so, why does no one like to share their hidden imagination? Would it be a taboo or the fear of being judged not by their actions, but for their thoughts? And Roy, where is he in this world of make believe? Would he only be one character created by me, who I knew somewhat personally, but actually ended up falling in love with my Roy, my superhero, created by me, and brought his face to give more meaning to my imagination and indulge the daydreams of my mind? But before me, on Christmas Day, sitting in front of me was Roy, half created by me, half real. I wondered which Roy I fell in love with, the real Roy or the fictional one?

  I was not sure if I feared getting hurt or getting to know Roy better and realized that he was not perfect. Which Roy would be able to fill the void in my heart? The real or fictional? Or perhaps the two of them formed one and completed themselves?

  He was still there in front of me, waiting for me to reply, if I was willing to try something with him or not. For the first time ever, in relation to Roy, I felt as if I were calling the shots.

  I was not willing to lose the opportunity to try something with Roy, although my inner voice insisted on telling me that things would not work out, because it was simply something created by me, by my imagination. But regardless of what, my inner voice spoke to me and the fear that tried to stop me from getting the love of my life, I found myself saying: “Of course I want to be with you, Roy. That's all I ever wanted.”

  6

  It was New Year's Eve. Everyone got together on that date to reflect on what has passed over the past year, and project a year ahead full of new resolutions. Roy and I, for the first time were spending a New Year’s Eve, as married couple. It has been many years that I have spent New Year's Eve in Times Square. Usually it was a cold and beautiful night, full of people from other countries, who wants to spend New Year’s Eve in Times Square.

  This year, however, I had given up being in Times Square and had chosen to spend it in the stillness of Roy’s house. Giving in and living this love and my resolution for the New Year was to daydream less and live in the present more often. I needed this change in my life.

  Sometimes I thought I would do anything for this love, but sometimes I thought not. Fear of being disappointed and not meeting Roy’s expectations consumed me. It was true that my pain had diminished somewhat. Roy’s touch seemed to ease my pain, but it has not soothed my despair, for the worst of it, emptiness was still there.

  All I wanted was for Roy to fill this void in me. Because if he could not do it, I would feel even emptier, because I would no longer be able to put my hope of being happy in that passion.

  Not that I had spent that last week upset. That was not it. Roy made me cheerful, made me have fun and felt good. He increased my self-esteem, but I needed something more. What I needed was the healing of my soul and my emptiness. It went far beyond good times. Now I was with him, yet the emptiness refused to leave.

  My emotions made fun of me. They quickly passed from one organ to the other making me realize all the empty holes that were inside me. And a horrible voice screamed inside my head: “Sophia, you will never be totally happy.” How I wished to stifle this voice, to call it a liar, send it away, but it was persistent and the more it cried out, the more it was heard inside me. I thought I'd cover my ears to avoid hearing that voice, but I ended up realizing that it would not solve my problem because the voice was inside. Now I realized that beyond my emptiness, I would also have to fight that voice, which had deliberately declared war against me and Roy inside my mind.

&nb
sp; Yes, it was true, Roy did not bring me a complete cure, but it was somewhere. If it was not with Roy where is it hiding? What could I do to find it?

  As if taking me out of my daydreams, Roy approached me with a bottle of champagne and two glasses and invited me to go into the yard of his house, where we could watch the fireworks that would begin in five minutes, saying goodbye to the old year and welcoming the New Year

  I would like to say goodbye to my pain, to my despair and bury them along with the last minute of the year. I wanted to toast to a new Sophia that I'd like to grow within me. But could I be able to separate myself from the old Sophia, the one that composes me, and embrace a new, unscarred and unmarked one? Maybe even wear a blazer of a realistic Sophia and make me up with mascara that would not let anyone steal the emptiness that I harbored within myself.

  Roy was there by my side. That to me was another sign that the New Year would be different. Maybe it would not be better, but it sure would bring new experiences for me and a chance to recover and maintain a great love.

  In addition to my emptiness, now I carried with me the fear of letting Roy escape from me. I didn’t think I would be able to handle this. Losing him, no. But every time I looked at him, that fear welled up inside me. Now he confused me, because I was afraid, not that he'd leave me, as would be the natural thought of someone who fought so much for love and suddenly, by chance got it. In fact, I was afraid to end up giving him up and never getting the chance to have him back. That thought made me embarrassed, it saddened me and reignited the insecure Sophia who lives within me.

  We sat side by side, with a minute left to midnight, just living in the moment and opening a bottle of champagne for us so that in a few seconds we could toast to welcome the New Year being born and dismiss the one that would die.

  He handed me my glass of champagne and said, “Happy New Year, Sophia.”

  “Happy New Year, Roy.”

  “To us and to our future.”

  We toasted and the fireworks gave us a show in the sky. Our eyes could barely keep up with the beauty of the drawings that formed in the air. Every noise, brought a scene into the sky and for a moment I lost myself in that real scenario, which consisted of fireworks in the air, and Roy and I holding our glasses of champagne. We held each other’s head, our lips meeting, just Roy and me, there in front of that lake by his home, watching a New Year’s show in the privacy of the backyard of his house, looking as though we had ordered that scene.

  I looked at everything and thought that the only thing better than daydreaming was to live in the present. I wanted to know the real Roy and give myself a chance to be happy. For a few seconds, the voice crying inside me fell silent, as if it had been smothered by the noise of the fireworks. But I did not deceive myself, because I knew that sooner or later, both the voice and the emotions, not to mention the emptiness, would come back to give me a sign within me. But right then, I did not worry about it because Roy was there with me and that was the reality, even though it was momentary.

  I watched Roy and thought, how can someone who is so close to me, with his head resting on mine not know anything that goes on inside my mind and my emotions? Is there someone who could penetrate and scrutinize my interior and my emotions, like an x-ray?

  That scenario there in front of me would be my postcard that would never leave my memory. But I needed to know the correct stamp that I would put on it to send it to the exact location of my interior and fill my emptiness.

  To myself, I established a goal for the New Year; fill the void that was inside me and find true happiness. “Happy New Year Sophia,” I said to myself.

  7

  The beginning of the year, along with my last days in Florida was wonderful. As the saying goes, I had started the year off right. My time in Florida with Roy was wonderful. I had a lovely unplanned honeymoon. Beyond my expectations. Each day that passed, I got more involved with Roy and him with me. At least that's what he told me and showed me. But what he really felt I could not be sure of.

  During our honeymoon, we really enjoyed every moment. We ran together on the beach, we saw the sunrise and sunset, and admired the full moon, the stars, and we were privileged to even see shooting stars. Everything was almost perfect, but I knew that with each passing day, the time of my trip back to New York was approaching, and I would have to separate myself from Roy, even for a little while.

  In fact, deep down, I feared being separated from him forever. I was afraid that after this trip, I would not see him again. I feared that our love was like a summer love in a beach town, where you arrive and you know that the person you are dating will go away. You enjoy the passion, but you know it is not forever. Deep down, I feared that this love or at least this experience was something of winter time that would end when I returned to New York. As much as I tried to just enjoy the moment, it was always followed by fears and worries.

  I can say that one of the best times of my life was happening by Roy’s side. He was not only what I wanted, but he also lifted me up and made me feel good.

  Here in Florida, I had the opportunity to meet the man with whom I was in love with or maybe obsessed with. For the first time I was meeting the real Roy, because deep down I knew in my teens, I was simply in love with his face and outer beauty. Roy who had passed this month by my side was better than I imagined. Certainly, he was not the same person from his teens, but he was better and was not influenced by his friends.

  Roy was interested in me and wanted to know me for real. I knew him more every day, but deep down, I was afraid he may really get to know me. You know that phrase: be yourself? For me it never made sense, because I could never found out who I really was and was afraid to show my interior to anyone, especially to Roy.

  I thought if he could read my thoughts and found out what was going on inside my head, he would surely lose interest in me. Roy could not know me at all, because even I did not know myself.

  Near him, I had a wonderful time. I found out what living an overwhelming passion was and doing things to be next to the person you love was like. He made me feel special and at times even made me forget how complicated of a being I was, always in search of an answer to fill the emptiness of my heart.

  But if I do not know how to tell you who I was, I could tell you who I would like to be: Simply the Sophia that Roy has imagined. A sweet Sophia, who was able to do anything for him. Someone who was apparently normal and happy. He did not know the size of the void that I hid within my heart. Every time he touched me, I hoped that this void was filled, but it was not. Yes, when he touched me, I felt good, cherished, desired, but that void was still there. Something told me that it could be filled and if I searched correctly, I could find what it could be filled with.

  I got to the point of thinking that Roy was not what I wanted. I had spent so much time fighting for him, that when I got him I realized that he was not what I needed. But the fact of thinking about being without him left me desperate, and made all sorts of thoughts take over my mind.

  I did not share with Roy anything that I thought of. He had no idea what I was thinking, otherwise I think he would break up with me. What I think about only belongs to me, until one day I would find someone to give me the certainty that I can open up to. At that point of time, my thoughts belonged to my emptiness.

  Every corner of Florida, every beach, and every restaurant that Roy took me was part of the winter adventure. Each declaration still echoes in my head, but it was not enough to fill me.

  And what if I never meet anyone else? That also would not end my pain, nor fill my void. I've had other people before and they also failed to fill me completely, but I thought this was due to the fact that this little piece of my emptiness was there waiting to be filled by Roy. And he filled the hole of passion, which just showed me even more that the emptiness inside me grew and it hurt a lot, because I was almost coming to terms that Roy would not solve my problems and would not be able to fill my void.

  Perhaps this was happe
ning because I had imagined a fictitious Roy, different from the one of reality?

  In addition to these thoughts, I had realized that my trip was coming to an end and that within a few days, I'd be without him and it would be very painful to give up the real Roy and to have for myself just the fictional Roy.

  8

  With two days until the end of my trip, we took a little trip to Orlando. It was my first time visiting Disney and Universal Studios. Everything was very beautiful. I was delighted with the amusement parks, with the rides and I could see that there were people from all over the world. Some had already spent a fortune to go on a trip that in a moment would come to an end and would simply leave them with a memory and a longing for a trip that has passed. The Disney experience, the adrenaline of the roller coasters, the 3D experiences, all of this would pass, but the rides would stay around and there would be scenarios for the lives of other people who also would spend a lot to have a unique experience. All of these passed. Every experience was ephemeral and I thought that was the reason for my emptiness, knowing that everything was temporary and nothing was eternal.

  Roy looked like a child on those rides and how I liked being beside him. Not only was it the first time I visited Disney, but I was accompanied by my great love. Except that within two days it would be over and only my emptiness seemed to be eternal, waiting for me to take responsibility and would do something to fill it. But I was simply Sophia and I was almost giving up seeking answers to my questions, solutions to my problems and a remedy for my pains.

  I sincerely hoped that the memory of my honeymoon with Roy, will serve to ease my pain, because if I did not have him with me, I would have at least besides fiction, memories and reminders to ease my pain and calm the void that does not stop growing within me.

  We came back from Disney with a smile on our faces and the joy that the short trips provided us. We spoke about various topics, but we avoided the one that was really worrying us; my return to New York. How I wanted to continue with him, but I was too scared of it not working out because we lived apart.