Daddy in Dress Blues

by Cathie Linz

  “Yeah, right,” Tawanna scoffed.

  “What about you?” Lisa countered. “I saw you giving him your phone number.”

  Tawanna shrugged. “The poor man needed my advice. And you know how good I am at giving advice.”

  “Advice about what?” Jessica demanded.

  “Not what, who. Advice about you. Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t tell him any secrets.”

  “Well, I did,” Lisa said. “I told him about that thing you have for barbecued potato chips. But only after he grilled me for that information.”

  “He grilled you?” Jessica repeated. “About me?”

  Lisa nodded. “That’s why I was talking to him so clandestinely in the corner.” Seeing Tawanna’s disbelieving look, Lisa admitted, “Okay, I did very gently try to hit on the guy, but he made it very clear he was only interested in Jessica.”

  She laughed bitterly. “Only interested in me to be a mother to Blue while he goes off into the wild blue yonder.”

  “That’s actually the air force’s song,” Lisa said. Seeing the disapproving look from Tawanna she quickly added, “Not that it’s important.”

  “I can’t believe that’s the only reason he’d be interested in you.” Tawanna waved her hand in the air for emphasis. With her colorful caftan and her hair wrapped in a matching turban she looked like a vengeful African goddess.

  “I didn’t want to believe it, either. But he’s planning on returning to active duty,” Jessica said.

  “What about Blue?” Tawanna demanded in outrage.

  “What about his limp?” the ever practical Lisa asked. “I wouldn’t think the marines would let him return to active duty. Are you sure they’re sending him there again?”

  “I know he wants to go back,” Jessica said.

  “Well, sure he probably wants to go back.” Lisa tucked her long black hair behind one ear, her almond-shaped eyes gazing at Jessica in confusion. “I mean, he’s a marine, that’s what he does.”

  “He’s a father,” Jessica said.

  “That doesn’t mean he can stop being a marine. It’s not exactly a regular nine-to-five kind of job,” Tawanna said.

  “I really don’t think you’ll have anything to worry about,” Lisa assured her. “I don’t think they’ll be shipping him back there.”

  “Meanwhile I just saw him pull up with Blue. Are you gonna be okay?” Tawanna asked.

  Jessica nodded. The situation was made easier by the fact that he didn’t stay, just dropped Blue off and left without a word to anyone.

  It was a very hectic day, which gave her absolutely no time to brood about Curt. She turned her back for a minute and the next thing she knew, the kids had decided to paint with their hands instead of their brushes and had the colorful stuff spread up to their elbows in two seconds flat. She’d barely had time to clean them off before she caught Brian feeding his snack of fish-shaped crackers to the fish in the fish tank, quickly followed by an apple that almost hit a quickly dodging goldfish. In all the chaos, Blue seemed quieter than usual. Jessica tried to get Blue to talk to her, but the little girl just shook her head and clutched her Fooba teddy bear more closely to her chest.

  She dreaded having to ask Curt about Blue’s behavior but if something had happened over the weekend, other than Curt breaking Jessica’s heart, then she should know about it.

  When Curt came to pick her up after school, he was in a bad mood. Jessica could tell just by looking at him across the room. Well, bad mood might be the wrong description. He was remote, that might be a better word.

  Approaching him, Jessica decided to get right to the point. “How did things go with you and Blue this weekend?”

  “Why do you care?” he retorted in a steely voice.

  “You know I care about Blue. You used that to your advantage.”

  “You don’t care about Blue. You just care about yourself.”

  “You’re a fine one to be throwing that accusation around,” she shot back in an angry undertone.

  “Meaning what?” he demanded.

  “That you’re the one who only cares about yourself.”

  “It’s useless talking to you,” he said. “Where’s Blue? We’re leaving.”

  “She’s…” Turning, Jessica looked at the playacting corner where Blue had been a few moments before. “I don’t understand…she was just there a minute ago.”

  “Are you telling me you’ve lost my daughter?” Curt demanded in an icy voice that sent chills down her spine.

  Chapter 12

  “OF COURSE SHE’S NOT LOST,” Jessica said before calling out to Lisa and Tawanna. “Have either of you seen Blue?”

  “She was here a minute or two ago,” Tawanna replied as Lisa nodded in agreement.

  “Well, then she can’t have gone far,” Jessica said.

  But ten minutes of searching showed no results.

  Jessica anxiously checked with Blue’s friend Susan to see if Blue had said anything to her about going anywhere. Susan’s mom was there to pick her up, and had watched Blue on Friday night. “She seemed fine when Curt picked her up,” she said.

  Turning to Curt, Jessica repeated her earlier question. “Did anything unusual happen over the weekend? Anything that might have upset her?”

  Curt’s eyes darkened with pain and regret. “She wanted me to call you. She cried when I refused.”

  “We’ll find her,” Jessica said.

  A staff search party was already in full swing, checking out every corner of the building. Nothing. No sign of Blue.

  “What about those woods?” Curt asked. “Where you had that Easter Egg hunt?”

  “There’s a six-foot high fence around the back play area,” Jessica replied. “She couldn’t have gotten through that to get into the forest preserve.”

  Sarah, the preschool director, spoke to Curt and told him what steps were being taken as the search went into full swing.

  Meanwhile, Jessica stood in front of the cubbies where the children stored their coats and things. Blue’s jacket was gone. The cubbies were marked not only with the child’s name but also with a Polaroid photograph. She reached out with trembling fingers to trace Blue’s photo.

  Jessica remembered the day that photo was taken. It had been Blue’s second day in school. Blue had tentatively approached a group of girls in the sandbox and said, “Can I play, too?”

  “No,” one of the girls had replied. “Go away. We don’t want you!”

  Before Jessica could intervene, Susan had come to Blue’s rescue, putting her arm around her and saying, “Blue is my friend. She can play with me.”

  It was the beginning of Blue’s acceptance.

  Where could she be?

  Years of military training helped Curt concentrate on what the preschool director was telling him when inside all he wanted to do was scream that this was all his fault. He’d let Blue cry herself to sleep Friday night. And last night, too.

  What kind a father lets his kid cry herself to sleep?

  A rotten one.

  What had ever made him think he’d be good enough to be a father?

  The preschool director didn’t have to tell him how sorry she was about this. He didn’t blame her. No, he was the one to blame here. He was the reason Blue was missing. He was the one who’d upset her. He was the one who’d left her to cry alone in the dark. He was the one who stood in this room and was so intent on fighting with Jessica that he hadn’t even noticed his own flesh and blood.

  She was such a little thing. And he’d let her down. He’d screwed up. Again.

  As a kid, he’d been so angry. Bitter, too. At being abandoned by first his father and then his mother, at being dumped like a sack of garbage. That’s when he’d vowed that he wouldn’t care anymore—about anyone. He wouldn’t let anyone get to him. He’d walk away from love if it meant being hurt that badly.

  But he couldn’t walk away anymore. Not from Blue. Not from his little girl.

  What good was all his training if he couldn’t track her
down? What good was saving the world if he couldn’t save his daughter? What good was he without her?

  “I’m going to go find her.” If she’d gone into those woods, he’d locate her. But he had to get moving. He couldn’t just stand around here doing nothing. Time was wasting. Blue needed him. He wouldn’t let her down again. “I’m going to go find her.”

  He felt Jessica’s hand on his hand and braced himself for her to tell him that Blue would never have disappeared if he hadn’t been so selfish. She wouldn’t be telling him anything he didn’t already know.

  “It’s not your fault,” she said.

  “Yes, it is. I let her cry herself to sleep. She sobbed and I didn’t do a thing about it. Not just once, but both Friday and last night. Saturday night she went to sleep just fine and I thought…she’d gotten over wanting to see you. But she hadn’t. This is my fault and don’t you dare try to tell me it isn’t.”

  His voice sounded frantic, but he didn’t care. “She wanted a kitten. That’s how it got started. She wanted a kitten because her friend had one. She didn’t see why she couldn’t have one, too. When I said no, she said she wanted you. Then she started crying. I should have said I’d get her a kitten. As soon as I find her, we’ll go get one.”

  But he didn’t find her. Nor did anyone else. Curt checked his watch. She’d been missing for an hour now. It seemed like days. Like years. Desperation was clawing through him. He’d lost her. Lost the one good thing in his life.

  He cursed his bum leg for slowing him down, cursed the woods for being so thick, and cursed himself for…everything.

  “Where are you, Blue?” Jessica yelled for the hundredth time. “Please answer me!”

  She, along with at least a dozen other staff members, had spread out and were combing the woods. There was a chance that Blue had slipped out a side door to the building that had been mistakenly left unlocked, in which case she could have wandered into the forest preserve. Jessica had tried to keep up with Curt, but he was like a man possessed. Not that she blamed him.

  There were so many dangers in this world for small children. What if someone had coaxed her into their car by promising her candy, or saying they had a message from her father? Jessica had covered stranger danger in class, warning the preschoolers not to be lured by those kinds of tactics. But Blue was only three. Would she remember those lessons?

  Jessica tried to reassure herself with the knowledge that Blue was naturally very wary of strangers. And today the little one had been especially withdrawn.

  Odds were that she’d just wandered off exploring, rather than being lured away. But again, Blue wasn’t the kind of child to fearlessly go off into the unknown. She’d already had too much upheaval in her young life to feel that confident about heading off on an adventure.

  Jessica continued her search, her voice becoming hoarse from shouting. It would be twilight soon. They had to find Blue before darkness fell. At least she had her jacket with her, the air was turning just a bit cooler now. Thankfully the early May day had been a warm one.

  She heard a twig snap a short distance away. Praying it was Blue, she rushed over, only to find Curt. “Did you find her?”

  He shook his head, keeping his face turned away from Jessica. Something about his stance warned her that this was a man on the ragged edge. The camouflage uniform he wore blended into the woods around them, but the tension emanating from his body was clear to see.

  “Curt?” She put her hand on his shoulder, turning him to face her. His red-rimmed eyes were self-condemning and filled with desperation.

  This battle-tested marine who vowed that warriors never cry was on the verge of tears.

  “Oh, Curt.” She slid her arms around him without a second’s hesitation. “It’s not your fault.”

  He shuddered once before hugging her as if she were the only sane thing in an insane world. The intensity of his despair was a tangible thing. “I’m a rotten father,” he whispered raggedly.

  “You’re not. You’ve done so well with Blue. I know it hasn’t been easy for you. But you didn’t walk away from the challenge of taking care of your daughter. You’ve studied, you’ve learned, you’ve worked hard to let her know that you love her.”

  “How can she know when I’ve never told her?” he fiercely countered, stepping away from her to angrily wipe away any hint of wetness from his eyes. “The same way I’ve never told you.”

  “Told me what?” Jessica asked.

  “That I love you,” he said, his voice raw.

  Her heart stopped. She never expected this. Not from a man who guarded his emotions so zealously. Yet now that the steel curtain had been lowered, she realized that maybe the reason Curt did guard his emotions was that they ran so deep. The discovery was like a missing key that unlocked the mystery that had always been Curt Blackwell.

  “But that doesn’t matter.” His throat muscles convulsed. “I end up destroying the people I love.”

  Another part of the puzzle.

  “Look at me.” She firmly turned his tortured face to hers. “Listen to me. You had no way of knowing Blue would take off this way. I know you’d walk over hot coals to save someone you love.”

  Curt felt her words wash over him. He knew the first rule in combat first aid was to start the breathing and stop the bleeding. But there didn’t seem any way to stop the bleeding inside of him at the thought of Blue in danger. As for breathing…he couldn’t breathe easily until she was found.

  “What if she’s never found?” He tried to swallow. Even saying the words was like slicing open an artery. “Kids disappear every day in this country.”

  “A marine never gives up,” Jessica reminded him.

  “She wouldn’t settle down,” he said, trying to shove away his fear. Giving in to his emotions wasn’t going to get Blue back safely. “Kept asking for another glass of water. Wanted me to read her another story.”

  “Any story in particular?”

  “The Wishing Tree is her favorite. It’s about a little girl who grew a magical tree…Wait a minute! What if she went into the woods looking for the wishing tree? In the book it’s the tallest tree around.” His gaze instantly searched the top of the woods, until he found one tree that stood larger than the rest.

  “Go on,” Jessica told him. “I’ll be right after you.”

  Curt reached the tree, a huge oak, just as twilight fell. And there she was, curled up underneath it.

  “Blue!” His voice was so thick it was unintelligible. “Blue, are you okay?”

  His daughter sat up, gave him a sleepy smile and rubbed her eyes with one hand while clutching her grungy teddy bear with the other. “You found my wishing tree.”

  She was okay. He ran his hands over her arms and legs to reassure himself. She was okay. Looking past her, his blood chilled when he saw the nearby stream. Shaken, he realized how easily she might have slipped on its banks and fallen in.

  Jessica ran into the small clearing in time to see that Curt had literally been brought to his knees as he knelt and fiercely hugged Blue while telling her over and over that he loved her.

  “I love you, too, Daddy,” she said with a shy grin. “And I love Jessie.”

  “I love her, too,” Curt said, turning his head to gaze at Jessica with his heart in his eyes. “And I’m not leaving the two of you ever again. If that means leaving the marines, so be it.” Shakenly smiling at Jessica, he said, “While I’m still on my knees, I’m asking you to marry me. Again. Not because of Blue, but because I love you.”

  “I—” she began when he interrupted her.

  “Look, I know I’m no prize,” he quickly said, as if he couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “The other day you accused me of having something inside of me that makes me run when things get too emotional. You were right. You know my family history. After my parents dumped me I vowed that I wouldn’t care anymore—about anyone. I refused to let anyone get to me and swore I’d walk away rather than get hurt that way again. But I can’t walk away
anymore. Not from Blue. And not from you, Jessie.”

  She’d always been able to read the truth in his eyes, when he let his guard down enough to allow her to see through to his heart. He did so now. Curt had learned the hard way what love was all about, and it had brought her proud warrior to his knees before her.

  Her own shaky legs gave out as she sank onto the ground beside him. “I don’t want you to walk away. I never did. I love you, Curt. And I’d be honored to marry you.”

  As he kissed her, she vaguely heard Blue clapping her hands and saying, “My wishing tree made my wish come true!”

  “It made my wish come true, too,” Jessica whispered against Curt’s lips.

  Epilogue

  Three months later…

  “WHY DIDN’T YOU tell me Curt’s best friend looks like Mel Gibson?” Amy demanded. “Are you sure you’re marrying the right marine today?”

  “Positive,” Jessica replied as she looked in the full-length mirror and adjusted the bodice of her white wedding dress. With its dainty lace along the sweetheart neckline and bell-like skirt, it was a gown for a princess. Staring at herself, she still had a hard time believing that was her. “And I hadn’t met Joe myself until the rehearsal dinner last night.”

  “I can’t believe how calm you are. In just a few minutes you’ll be walking down the aisle and becoming Curt’s wife.”

  “And he’ll become my husband.” She said the words with such a sense of satisfaction that Amy smiled.

  “It’s great seeing you so happy.”

  “Blue has her wishing tree, and I’ve got my dragon.” Jessica patted the head of the dragon Curt had given her. She’d brought it to the church with her, to remind her how lucky she was. “You were right. I should have gone in for a complete checkup from a specialist earlier rather than taking my family doctor’s word for my condition. Especially since he wasn’t up on the latest information. But I never wanted to deal with it…anyway I still am so excited with the news. A tipped uterus is a small risk factor but nothing insurmountable. I can have children after all.” Jessica did a little dance around a footstool.