A Day in the Life of Louis Bloom

by Paul Charles

  ‘Love is another place where pretending doesn’t exist.

  ‘Perhaps when you’re in love, you don’t even know it.

  ‘When you’re in the state of love, you are not preoccupied with it, with love that is. You just are. You don’t play or pretend at being boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometime later, however, when it’s over, you may come to realise that, yes, what you’d just experienced was in fact love. The only sound advice I was ever offered was: nothing stays the same – everything, but everything, including The Glee Club, changes, so enjoy it while you can.

  ‘If you ever find yourself wondering are you doing the correct thing in the right order, are you saying the right thing at the right time, have you left it long enough before ringing back, is it too much time or too little between dates; if you find yourself preoccupied with you or your partner’s pleasure, or doing anything for effect rather than just doing them from the heart, then perhaps you have to accept that you are not in love.

  ‘I frequently wonder at what age we form our preferences of attraction. Have our preferences been there, somewhere in our psyche, all the time and we just grow into becoming aware of them and accepting them at a certain age? And here’s another important thing to think about: is it at all possible to change your preferences? Or, is there such a thing as a simple universal beauty that everyone will be attracted to? We’ll discuss this again in a few minutes.

  ‘We instinctively pursue love from an early age, even though we don’t really know what it is. We may not know what it is, but we certainly quickly learn how cruel it can be.

  ‘When we’re younger and cheated on, it’s devastating, and it most certainly kills a part of us. But of course we will get over it. Or at least we reach a stage where we think we’ve gotten over it. The reality is, deep inside, we feel that there is still something wrong. Something will have hijacked our natural momentum and feeling of wellbeing. Knowing that our relationship didn’t work out the way we dreamed/needed/thought it would, manifests itself in our acceptance that fundamentally our lives are not the work of perfection we thought them to be.

  ‘Yes, there will be other people, potential partners and our earlier disappointment will be well hidden, but rest assured it will never, ever go away completely.

  ‘It is very important to be aware of two vital pieces of information here:

  ‘1. Take heart from the fact that even if your life had continued with your ideal dream-partner, it would still never have turned out to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist, and if it did, it would be

  incredibly boring. Struggling, striving, fighting for it, for your love, for your life, is the real nirvana.

  ‘2. You’ll also find the people who leave you will rarely just fall for someone else. No, initially before that stage comes for them, they will also cheat on you. What’s more, they will cheat on you with someone you already know – like an ex-partner of theirs, someone who they know you hated, or even a friend or a relation of yours. A brother or a sister scores highest points, followed closely by someone they knew you’d be sure to be jealous of. Their cheating will have been skilfully manoeuvred to cause you the greatest hurt possible. They didn’t really have to do that to you, did they? So clearly they needed or wanted to hurt you.

  ‘Why?

  ‘Is this also part of this mysterious thing called love?

  ‘Are they doing it to you just to get their own back on someone, a third party, who has already done the same to them, or are they just trying to chalk one up, in advance, to even up the score for when it (surely) will happen to them?

  ‘I’d like to stay with this theme for a while longer if you don’t mind. It will certainly have been painful, probably even devastating at the time, but hopefully enough time has now passed that it’s now going to be fun to look back on.’

  He pauses to look around at the faces of the students.

  ‘Okay maybe not, but if only in the name of further education we should still examine our feelings. So, you’re lucky enough to be dating a girl or a boy you’re happy to be with. Initially he or she seems happy to be with you. A bit of time passes and you instinctively feel something is wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Couldn’t we have all saved ourselves so much pain if we’d only listened to our instincts? It appears, apparently, that he or she has come to the conclusion that you’re not the right girl or boy for her anymore, and so she can’t be with you. Unlike Phil Collins, she can’t dump you by fax – maybe by texting, but certainly no longer by fax.’

  Louis paused shortly to allow the resultant hissing from the girls to die down

  ‘No, he or she has to take you out to tell you. And wouldn’t you know it, but it’s to a very expensive spot. I started to turn down invitations to very expensive spots, not because I was mean but because I felt I knew what was coming. Over dinner, she’d claim she loves you, but she doesn’t love you. So she dumps you but not until after the only dessert of the evening. Yes, she splits up with you. She masterfully breaks your heart in so many different ways. But she doesn’t let it rest there. No, she can’t. She finds a new boyfriend, as you knew she would. But that’s not what really hurts you. What really hurts you is that she takes her new boyfriend to the places she used to take you. You’re forced to imagine she’s doing all the things she used to do with you, with her new boyfriend. And then you pick up the courage to ring her one night. When you ring her you get her answer machine and her voice says: “Jean and Louis (meaning you of course) can’t come to the phone right now, because we’re having so much fun.” Of course, you know it’s not you she’s currently “having so much fun” with, and either she has forgotten to change your name on the answer machine, or she’s found another way to hurt you by leaving it there.

  ‘And you’re forced to remember what it was like when you first got together. In a way, getting together with someone new is a lot like the feeling of enjoyment you experienced with a new toy when you were younger. Unlike the chemical induced highs of drugs and alcohol, this new toy is safe and free and available each and every day. You both enjoy this new toy immensely and when you are apart you imagine and plan for the great fun you’re going to have with this new toy when you get together again. Perhaps neither of you is ever brave enough to declare what you’d really like to do with this new toy. And maybe you should have. Could that have progressed this new toy to love? Probably not, but you’ll never know. Now she was sharing this new toy with someone new and “having so much fun”, so much so she couldn’t possibly answer the telephone.

  ‘What you’re now feeling, as the great song goes, “can’t be love, so it must be influenza”.’

  Again, more laughter from the audience, and maybe, encouraged by Bloom’s approach to the lecture, McCusker thought, the raucous laughter was no longer polite.

  ‘Even more surprising in the game of love, you will find yourself doing things you never thought yourself capable of. Maybe even devious and spiteful things, but we can all leave the remainder of that topic to our imagination, if only because I don’t want to be accused of giving any of you vengeful notions.

  ‘When love goes bad, or sour, always try to remember and take heart from the fact that at the time you declared your love, as you made love to your beloved for the first time, that you really meant it, and that they, in turn, really meant their physical and vocal reply. What comes later, when love is lost, in no way diminishes what you both felt and what you both said and did in those initial days. In those special days the power of the words far outweighed the power of the physical coupling.

  ‘But equally we should beware, because love and sex are never, ever the same. Sex might very well be a part of love. However, it’s also worth remembering that no matter how passionate you are and no matter how sound your back may be, you will still need something else to do to occupy the remaining twenty-two and a half hours of each day.’

  Louis paused as the laughter gathered up a head of steam.

  ‘This year, we’ll also
need to consider relationships where the love of our course topic will neither be sought nor discussed. In those relationships we discover the joy of a true partner is the lack of agenda. Even though the relationship may never break the borders of carnal, it’s enjoyable because the priority of the pleasure is mutual. Yes, just two people gleefully taking sensual advantage of each other, and where you will find yourselves grow quite fond of each other. So, consequently all the other “stuff” – where “stuff” equals all you would cite in a divorce – is so much easier to take.

  ‘In today’s society so much stock is set by looks, or maybe the look might be a better way to describe it. You can’t get hung up about it. And mostly people don’t. Generally speaking though, people do take their assets for granted – that’s physical assets, of course. I mean, there is no reason whatsoever in the world why one person would have a beautiful body or face or, even more annoying, both, and the next person doesn’t. I’m referring here to male and female assets of course. I kind of hanker back to the days when we were all encouraged to count our blessings, and one by one at that.

  ‘I know this is a cliché – another cliché,’ Louis said and paused to look at Eileen Rea, ‘but in matters of love, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

  ‘Let’s take an example. A man talks to his friends about his partner – and really, we’re all guilty of this, aren’t we? That was a question this time, Eileen.’ Louis Bloom refrained from looking at Eileen as he said this. To McCusker, it looked like Eileen Rea was keenly doing what she’d do in every Louis Bloom lecture thereafter – keeping quiet. McCusker hoped that wasn’t really the case. Perhaps Louis Bloom had hoped that as well.

  ‘So, we’re out with friends and we go on about how magical, spiritual and special our partners are. We’ll go on and on about just how beautiful they are, how stunning they are with their perfect figure – yes, well fit and totally dope, or whatever the words we use nowadays to describe how perfect and cool your partner is.’

  Chuckling was heard on the sound-track from various parts of the lecture theatre.

  ‘Through time your friends will end up with this incredible picture of your partner, even though they’ve never met them. Well eventually your friends do get to meet your partner and… well… but of course they are going to be disappointed. I mean, grossly disappointed. And this disappointment is going to be very evident in their eyes. At the same time, you will be equally disappointed in their partner after all the bigging up your friend has done on their partner’s behalf. And of course, if you’ve got your own eyes open you will also be able to observe the same look of disappointment when the partner meets you for the first time, proving your friend has also been equally generous in their compliments about you. So the question is: how can we all get it so wrong? Unless of course we add the “love factor” into the equation, and then maybe we’re not getting it wrong at all.

  ‘I mention this not to comment on people’s looks or physiques but more to see if this phenomena is a clue to one of the secrets of what love is.

  ‘Let’s throw another cliché in here for our friend Eileen,’ Louis Bloom continued, and this time Eileen laughed as much as her fellow students. Yes we all say, “Beauty is only skin deep.” And it surely is… however once you’re intimate with someone, they change. They lose their air of mystery. But be prepared for the fact that you are also losing your own air of mystery. You will realise that the Spanish hat they were wearing when you met first them in a wine bar, the one you thought was very cool and set them apart from the crowd, well, you’ll start to think that they only wore the Spanish hat because they wanted to appear as sexy as Penélope Cruz. So, you’ll eventually discover that your new acquaintance was more interested in sweating the small stuff. Yes, most definitely you’ll discover she’s more than preoccupied with the small stuff, such as avoiding the aforementioned sweating like she would the plague; or keeping a mental list of those places that have the longest waiting list for the latest hoodie; or where to get the best Spanish hats; or which anti-aging cream really defies both science and decay and actually works; that she has spent considerable time – and even more money – trying to come across as alluring and beautiful for men as she can, yet she doesn’t want to be treated as a sex object. Whereas you thought she was the real deal, the only real woman you’d ever met in your life. A woman, you might have thought, was way beyond the word ‘love’ and all its human imperfections. At the same time she was most likely equally disappointed in you, because you couldn’t drink multiple shots; or you didn’t wear Nike; or perhaps you weren’t on Facebook – actually, even I know Facebook is no longer your version of Glee Club, so maybe we should now be talking about Tinder, Twitter or Snapchat. Yes, disappointed in you just because you refused to grease and spike up your hair…’ and here Louis paused once more, this time to borrow a mirror from a student to puff up his hair a bit and view with disgust the reflection.

  ‘I can’t believe this guy,’ O’Carroll said, ‘he’s hilarious and so on the nail.’

  McCusker couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw her wipe some tears from her eyes.

  ‘So, we will look at what it means to really love someone. We’ll also consider what happens when the one you love dies and they’re no longer in your life – what exactly will that change? It’s easier to assess what it changed in their life, in that they sadly no longer exist. Certainly you can no longer converse with them, but you can still talk to them or, at least, to the memory of them, and, depending on how well you knew them, you can guess their reply. So what else is different? I mean, no matter how tight you were with someone, you still couldn’t have been in their lives 24/7 or even 12/7, for that matter. What were they doing for you that you miss – that you not only miss, but that you can’t do without? Surely the reality is that no matter how much you think to the contrary, time will sadly prove that you can do without them. Does love linger on or does love expire as well?

  ‘Is love a necessity? Is love merely the glue that holds the success of mankind’s future through its shortcut to procreation?

  ‘The animals elect for an easier route: they eat; they fertilise the jungle; they do the deed; they sleep; they wake up; they eat; they fertilise the jungle some more and they do the deed again. Admittedly they don’t get to dress up in their finest and head down to the Europa with their true love to see Sir Van Morrison do his thing. But is that really all that separates us from animals?’

  ‘What, love?’ a solitary voice asks.

  ‘No,’ Louis Bloom replied, right on cue, ‘our ability to pretend.’

  ‘A lioness, when confronted by a lion from another pride, keen on eating one of her cubs, will initially fight like crazy to scare off the lion. However when she sees she’s about to lose the fight she will become all coquettish. She’ll turn her neck to the ground, roll around in the dust and submit to his amorous advances, knowing perfectly well that he’s going to kill her at the end of their tryst, but in the meantime her cubs will, hopefully, have been cute enough to escape. Now that sounds like real love to me, perhaps a different kind of love, but love nonetheless. The lioness isn’t pretending; she’s just doing what she has to do.

  ‘At this stage I feel I should also point out to you that if you’re ever close enough to observe the above, the lion has another noticeable trait. Just before he is about to attack his prey he licks his paws – the jungle equivalent to nipping into the bathroom to wash your hands just before you eat. The lioness does this too. So I’m suggesting to you that if you see a lion lick its paws, then you get the heck out of there as quickly as possible.’

  More laughter on the soundtrack, this time even more relaxed.

  ‘I’d like to conclude our chat with a line from the pens of Mr John Lennon and Mr Paul McCartney, which we will definitely debate further during the term:

  “And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

  Louis pauses and makes his best effort to look each and every stud
ent directly in the eye.

  By their silence and attention, they acknowledge that is exactly what he is doing.

  ‘Thank you,’ he announced after a minute, with a slight bow of his head.

  Louis Bloom took the students’ applause for a few minutes before adding above the din, ‘No need for any more applause, thanks – it won’t better your grades.’

  That was it. He was off, past the camera and out of the room. The camera kept on recording the hustle and bustle of a large class of students breaking up.

  McCusker thought that the secret to the success of Louis' pubic speaking was that he had really found a technique where he could stand on a stage - this time on a platform raised but a few inches from the floor, in what would be McCusker's favourite type of space - and talk to roughly 140 people, yet make each and every one of them believe that he was having an intimate and personal conversation with them, on a one-to-one basis.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  ‘Can I drop you anywhere? O’Carroll asked, as they walked out of Customs House.

  ‘Where’re you off to?’

  ‘I was going to head home.’

  ‘Let’s go and drop in on Elizabeth Bloom and see how she’s doing,’ McCusker started, ‘then Grace and I were going to go out for a bite and before you say a word, when we were setting it up, she did ask me to also invite you.’

  O’Carroll accepted immediately – she admitted to feeling “all dressed up with nowhere to go” and looked happy for the company.

  McCusker wondered about the dating game. He knew so many people out there looking and yet here was a woman of immense beauty and understanding, finding it difficult to make the connection she so clearly sought. He loved her dearly for never, ever feeling sorry for herself over it. McCusker also liked the fact that even though Lily O’Carroll was keen to find her life-partner, she just wasn’t prepared to accept just anyone, and was holding out for the right one.