Uncertainty: Volume 2

by Bella Baird

  “I just wanted to explain what’s going on,” Alice murmured.

  “How are you going to explain this to make it look better for you? You said there was nothing going on between you two anymore and that he meant nothing to you. What you told me and what was really going on were two separate things. You had no problem lying right to my face. It’s terrible what you’re doing to Daniel, too. I’ve only met him once, but I can tell he’s a nice kid. He doesn’t deserve this. I thought I was just getting to know you better, but I guess I have no idea who you really are anymore,” Veronica snapped. “Not to mention that Trent kept your previous relationship a secret while allowing us to hand you this special position in the company. What am I supposed to think about that?”

  “I’m sorry. All I can say is that I never meant for any of this to happen,” Alice said softly.

  “I just hope you can fix all of it without too much fallout. Make sure to close the door on your way out,” Veronica commanded with finality.

  Alice looked to the ground before turning around and shutting the door. She felt like she’d just been slapped in the face. Veronica was someone she looked up to and thought she might eventually become close with. Now that possibility grew slim. Alice had a hard enough time feeling like a terrible person; she couldn’t stand to consider that Veronica now thought the worst of her. Alice slowly shuffled back to Trent’s office and closed herself inside.

  “What did she say?” asked Trent with palpable uneasiness.

  “She doesn’t think very highly of either of us,” Alice replied sourly.

  “That really sucks to hear,” he said softly. “She’s one of my favorite people in this building.”

  “Her opinions of us are probably valid,” she added. “I’m going home now. It’s been a long week. I need to relax and think hard about how the next couple of days are going to play out.”

  “Okay, just let me know when you’ve figured it all out,” Trent focused his eyes on his shoes.

  “I will,” she said on her way to the door.

  Chapter 2

  The small, beat up car cruised along the highway slightly above the speed limit. In moments like these, Alice rejoiced in her preference to keep her car all these years. She had to get as far away as possible from the city, and she hated riding the bus anywhere. Even trains, planes, and sharing taxis bothered her. Sitting too closely to others and dealing with strange encounters and eye contact kept her away from public transportation. She had a few bad experiences that prompted her not to sell her vehicle after moving. In this circumstance, her head had a lot of clutter that needed sorting. The cleansing process was best completed a long way from the source of her problems. When a hot shower wouldn’t cut it, Alice liked to be away from people. Nature and its golden silence were calling her name. Alone and far away, she didn’t have to hear the traffic, people shouting, neighbors moving around, construction work, or any of the other distracting noises the city offered to unwilling ears. Hopefully, there would be fewer people present early on a Saturday morning. Alice wished to feel completely isolated.

  On her way to Harriman Park, Alice passed relatively near Airmont—her hometown. She drove by even more quickly. She had no time to visit her mother, whom would have absolutely no useful advice for her. Alice learned long ago to never expect any sort of helpful tips or life lessons from Karen. The woman had a one-track mind, and the things that came out of her mouth were typically thinly veiled insults. This situation would only generate a long chiding from Karen, faulting Alice for bringing about the current circumstances. Alice knew where the blame lay. She needed no one else to tell her. She could not waste any more time on determining what she could have done better. The direction of her thoughts had to be how to repair everything without an excess of lasting damage.

  Everything about the park looked different than Alice remembered. The trees grew taller, and the little road turned in ways she didn’t recognize. Luckily, she recalled where she should park when she drove far enough in. She parked as close as she could to the beginning of the trail leading to her spot, Trent’s spot. Once again, it looked a bit different than the trail she knew, a little more overgrown. The map showed this as the correct trail to lead Alice to her favorite location by Pine Meadow Lake. It had been three years since she’d been to this park, and even longer since she’d gone to that specific area. That was a place that she and Trent liked to spend time when they were together. A few times they’d told their parents they would be seeing a movie and getting dinner, but they had come here instead to be alone. The seclusion and remoteness always made them feel safer somehow.

  She tied her shoelaces more tightly and headed away from her car. She made sure to dress for the occasion: running shoes, shorts, a tank top, and hair in a ponytail. All she brought along was some water, her cell phone, her wallet, and some pepper spray for potential protection. Her expectation was not to need the latter, however. She doubted she’d see many other people, but she’d learned to pay extra attention to personal safety after moving to the city. Following a few minutes of light jogging, Alice deviated from the main trail to travel on a much less frequented path. She got used to the automatic movements of her body as she ran through the forest. Each step brought her closer to feeling calm spread throughout her entire body. Her mind cleared of any negative thoughts, and she gained the ability to concentrate on the path in front of her with total clarity. The stress of last week drained away, and a sense of total euphoria replaced that feeling. It wasn’t just the endorphins either. The smells from the trees and the sound of the wind blowing through them put her at total peace.

  At last, the special place was almost in site. The trees ended almost suddenly in a line, and rocky ground replaced dirt. Alice slowed down in anticipation. Taking a swig of water, she stepped out from the forest and looked toward the point. Right at the edge of the lake was a rock perched above a drop off. A lone tree grew right beside it. Alice took in deep breaths and sauntered toward the flat-topped rock where she loved to look out onto the lake. She hoisted herself up and sat back, looking at the water and the vast array of trees surrounding the lake. There were only a few boats in the water and a small number of visible people on each side. The day remained overcast and unseasonably cool, which could explain the absence of others. Whatever the case, Alice felt grateful to be truly alone. Some of her best memories took place out there, and she became lost as she stared into the wind ripples on the water’s surface. It brought her back to the first time she’d set foot there.

  “How did you find this spot?” asked Alice as she walked out from between the last trees.

  “My parents used to take me here a lot when I was younger. They liked to bring their boat out on the lake every weekend. Lately my dad is really busy with work, and my mom basically acts like a shut-in. Even though I’d like to spend more time with my parents the way I used to, I’m glad I can come here with you now,” Trent said wistfully while they both strolled to the shoreline.

  “I’m glad, too. It’s so beautiful here. It seems like we’re the only people for miles,” she said.

  Trent turned to look at her eyes and said, “Sometimes I feel that way even when we’re not alone.”

  “You really mean that?” her eyes lit up at the significance of his statement.

  “Yeah. I love you, Alice. When I’m with you, I can forget about everything that’s bothering me because you’re all that matters,” Trent sat down on the rock by the edge and took her hands in his.

  She gently gasped before saying, “I love you, too. You’re so much more than what anyone else gets to see. You’re smart and thoughtful in ways I didn’t think I would find in anyone else. I’m really lucky to have you. In fact, you’re like the one sane person I know.”

  Still sitting on the rock, he pulled her closer until she was between his legs. Alice set both hands on his thighs and craned her neck to get nearer. Their faces were inches apart, hesitating only a second before their lips joined. Each breath, each mo
vement of their tongues took her further into a dream. She could have stayed there kissing him forever. Alice eventually lifted herself up to lay close beside him on the rock. Neither person was sure about how long they looked up at the crystal clear sky after that, nor did they care. To her, it had been a perfect day.

  Once a lovely memory, it now held only remorse for Alice. She began to ponder the recent events in her life. Regret utterly washed over her. Regret for taking a job she thought might cause problems, regret for not holding back her feelings well enough, and regret for taking actions that a stronger person would have avoided. It seemed as though a guilty conscience set the tone of her life recently, when she should have been able to enjoy freedom from school and a lower paying job. Alice wondered how she would repair all the damage once she moved forward. Her next move would hurt either Daniel—or him and Trent both. Alice would also have to meet with Veronica’s loss of respect for her. She didn’t blame any of these people for being hurt or disappointed; she felt the same way about herself.

  How could I be in love with two men? Books and movies always talk about finding one love and being absolutely sure about it. It should have been so easy for me to ignore Trent and continue on course with Daniel. But it isn’t. Maybe it’s because he’s my first love. I shared my happiest and tenderest moments with him. When the relationship ended, the part of me that loved Trent never vanished.

  A cool wind swayed the trees all around the lake. The sound of susurration almost made Alice want to fall asleep there. Now that her body temperature and heart rate were returning to normal, Alice wished she’d brought a jacket. Thick, ominous clouds replaced a somewhat overcast sky and threatened to release torrents of rain down on her. Alice contemplated leaving now, so she wouldn’t get caught in a storm. After all, I’m only stalling here. I know what I have to tell Daniel. The truth. I have to say exactly what happened and how I’m feeling. He might never want to talk to me again, but at least he’d know.

  Alice took out her phone and dialed Daniel’s number. It rang only once before he picked up.

  “Hey, baby!” Daniel exclaimed happily.

  Alice’s stomach clenched, but she said, “Are you free today?”

  “Yep, I’m free all day. What’s up?” he asked.

  “Is it okay if I come by your place at 2? I need to talk to you,” Alice tried to breathe slowly and stay calm.

  “That’s fine. What’s wrong? You don’t sound right,” Daniel’s worry seemed to grow.

  “I just have a problem I need to discuss with you. I’ll see you at 2. Bye,” she immediately hung up.

  Alice didn’t mean to act so direct and short with him, but it wasn’t a good idea to exchange the love word with him, not when she was about to drop a bomb in his lap. It was best if he had no idea what she had to say until they were face to face. After closing her eyes and breathing some more, she dropped down from the rock and started the jog back to her car. With a confrontation looming overhead, the swaying trees and chirping birds no longer had the same influence of serenity. That feeling probably wouldn’t return until long after she’d dealt with all the obstacles she needed to overcome.

  Her pace quickened this time, and her strides became longer. She ran at almost full speed by the time she came to the end of the path. It was as if she sprinted from her problems, trying to leave it all behind. Reaching the car, she crouched and sat on the ground by the driver’s side door. A feeling of nausea dwelled inside her, but she didn’t know whether it was stress related or from overexertion. Once it subsided, she got up and started the car so she could leave. She felt a new resolve as she drove back to the city. Each mile made her feel more and more capable of withstanding whatever was about to occur. Good, because I have a feeling this is going to be extremely painful.

  Unfortunately, this new armor crumbled away as quickly as it developed. Alice’s heart vigorously beat when she left her car and walked up to Daniel’s apartment, like she’d just finished cardio. Alice felt a little like she was dreaming again, and every step she took felt involuntary and unnatural. At the top of the stairs, an immobilizing panic overtook her. She experienced an immediate sense of dread much stronger than ever before. Her hands and legs uncontrollably shook, and she developed the urge to turn around and never look back. A cold and uncomfortable sensation cramped her stomach, and her arms felt light and tingly. This is really it. The first time I’ve ever had to own up to a mistake that’ll really hurt someone. It’s better this way, though. I would want to know if the situation were reversed, and I’d want to hear it straight from the man I love.

  She pushed on for the last few steps and knocked on his door. The chips in the off-white paint seemed to make faces at her, like little souls trapped in this entryway. Looking to the floor, she saw flecks of paint speckled about. The light above Daniel’s doorway flickered faintly at about five second intervals. She’d never paid attention to any of these things when she came over previously. It’s strange, the details you notice when you’re in panic mode. It’s like any other time; you’re almost running on auto-pilot. Daniel’s footsteps thudded behind the door, along with other clamor that Alice couldn’t identify. It seemed like ages before he opened the door, but he opened with an unassuming smile that fell away when he took in her expression and distinctively bizarre body language.

  “Whoa, what’s going on? You don’t look so good,” Daniel said as he guided her to the couch.

  She ruminated over how worried he must be based on her appearance. Messy hair in a ponytail, no makeup, especially pale complexion, beads of sweat covering her face, and goose bumps all over her arms. Alice knew she was probably quite the spectacle just then, but her appearance was redirecting all his worry from where it should lie—himself. A delicious aroma of herbs and spices floated all around Alice. She looked back to the kitchen, but Daniel still stood behind her while she sat down.

  “So tell me what the problem is. You’re scaring me a little,” he stated.

  Ignoring this completely, she asked, “Are you cooking something?”

  “Yeah, I figured you might not have eaten lunch yet. I started some vegetables and risotto in case you were hungry. Do you want me to get you some?” he smiled softly again as he spoke.

  His consideration was too much for her to handle. He really cared about her, and she only went there to tell him news that would break his heart. Sudden painful sobs escaped her, and she couldn’t fake composure anymore. Alice put her face in her hands and wept with Daniel standing dumbfounded nearby. He jumped over the back of the couch and landed close beside her. His arms wrapped around her as he pulled her into his chest. He looked unsure about what else to do. Alice had never acted this way with him since they’d been together.

  “Please, tell me what happened!” he exclaimed.

  “Trent and I kissed!” Alice managed to speak unsteadily between sobs.

  “What?” Daniel asked quietly, leaning backward to get a look at her face. It seemed like he was trying to look for the validity of her confession.

  “When did this happen?” he questioned her with more force this time.

  “It was last weekend at the party. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did!” she said.

  “Are you okay? What did he do?” Misdirected concern appeared in his voice.

  “No, it’s not like that. It’s just as much my fault as it is his. I…I let it happen. I finished it,” Alice leaned her head back onto the couch.

  She couldn’t look at Daniel in the eyes. She felt too ashamed to be able to bear his expression of betrayal. Daniel got up and paced back and forth in front her. His hands ran through his hair while his eyes searched around the room like he could not physically find the words with which to reply. He drew in a few audible breaths before looking down at her again.

  His conduct changed suddenly as he asked, “Do you still have feelings for him?”

  “Y-yes. I’ve had feelings for him this whole time. I just didn’t know it until I started working for him.
I hadn’t seen or heard from him for years, and then he was just there,” Alice started to veer off on a tangent, her gaze appearing to look through the floor.

  “Do you love him?” Daniel’s voice sounded much steadier now.

  “Yeah, I do after all this time,” she whimpered.

  “Do you still love me?” he asked with a higher inflection on the end of his question.

  “I do,” she said with surety.

  “Then what happened here? Tell me, because I don’t understand. Is it because I work so much, and we don’t get to see each other as often as we used to? Did I do something wrong?” Daniel switched gears and seemed almost apologetic.

  “No, it’s not that,” she murmured.

  “What is it? Is he better looking than me?” A hint of anger rose up.

  “No!” Alice yelled.

  “Does he have that much more money and a nicer car? Are you looking for security?” Daniel asked in a scornful tone.

  “No!” she repeated.

  “Is he better at sex than me?” Daniel’s fuse was lit, and there was no going back. Alice had never seen him this irate before.

  “No, stop saying this shit! What the hell is wrong with you?” Alice snapped back.

  “I should be asking you that question. Now I know why you were nervous to tell me about this job situation. It wasn’t that you thought I’d disapprove of you taking it. You were scared the entire time that you wouldn’t be able to handle being around this guy, and here we are. You know, before you got this job, you’d never mentioned Trent at all. Not one word. He was obviously very important to you even before you got this job. I feel like you’ve kept me in the dark about a lot of things. You don’t tell me how you’re feeling anymore, and your past is a complete mystery. I saw you pulling away for the last couple of weeks, but I kept my mouth shut because I thought it was just stress or something. I was willing to be understanding and give you time to sort things out, and you treated me like this. I’m wondering if I ever knew the real Alice,” Daniel ranted.