‘He might,’ Lorna said warily. ‘Look, Eden, there’s nothing you can do. We’ve been over and over the options and there’s just no way that you can manage—’
‘Manage what?’ Nick’s voice had both women jumping, and Eden shot an urgent look at Lorna as Nick frowned at the two of them, clearly expecting to be brought swiftly up to date.
‘We were just discussing Ben’s long-term care,’ Lorna said warily. ‘Discussing his options.’
‘And what exactly is it that Eden can’t manage?’ Nick asked, his question direct, his eyes swinging between the two women who were both taking great interest in the floor all of a sudden.
‘Nothing,’ Eden mumbled. ‘I was just moaning about the staff in Emergency, how they didn’t take any blood or put in an IV. Lorna just pointed out there was nothing I could really do to change things, that technically they’d done nothing wrong.’ A lousy liar at the best of times, Eden scuffed the floor with her foot, only letting out a relieved breath when Nick, clearly not impressed, stalked off.
Eden looked anxiously at Lorna. ‘You won’t say anything?’
‘Why would I?’ Lorna shrugged. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong.’
‘Thanks.’ Eden gave a tense nod. ‘It’s just if anyone found out, they’d think…’
‘That you were too involved?’ Lorna finished for her. ‘Which you are, Eden.’
‘I can handle it,’ Eden said stiffly, but Lorna didn’t look particularly convinced.
‘You know my pager number—if you need to talk any time, call me.’
Nick was already midway through his examination by the time Eden arrived at the cot-side. She smiled down at Ben as Nick gently probed his abdomen.
‘Could you hold him for me while I check his ears and throat?’ Nick asked.
Eden happily obliged. She picked Ben up and took a seat, holding his head against her chest as Nick carefully checked one ear and then deftly turning Ben around so that the check could be repeated on the other side.
‘Now for the fun bit,’ Nick said in a dry tone.
Eden held Ben tightly, one hand clamped on his forehead, as Nick attempted to check his throat. But this was the part Ben hated. Instantly he clamped his jaws tight, shaking his little head furiously as Nick waited with his lolly stick and torch poised for when he finally gave in and opened his mouth.
‘Come on, buster,’ Nick coaxed. ‘It’s only going to take a second.’
And as Ben finally gave in, his mouth opening in a sob of fury, Nick pushed down his tongue and peered down his throat. Ben squealed his protests and Eden waited, waited for the cursory examination to be over, for the torch to flick off and for Nick to throw the lolly stick into the plastic bag, but instead Nick was pushing the stick harder. Ben gagged and Eden’s knuckles were white as she struggled to hold his head still. Nick peered around the child’s mouth. For an appalling second Eden thought she might let go, that she might just rip that blessed lolly stick out of Nick’s hand, might tell him to stop looking for things that she didn’t want him to see.
But she didn’t.
Instead, she held Ben firmly, fear—pure, naked fear—growing in the pit of her stomach. Cold fingers of terror touched her heart as Nick finally pulled out the lolly stick, but instead of taking Ben from her as he always did, instead of comforting the sobbing child, he pulled off his gloves and gently probed the little boy’s neck, his fingers working their way slowly down to his axilla.
‘Lay him on the cot for me.’
Nick’s voice was flat, his eyes not meeting Eden’s as she did as she was told. She watched as he pulled off Ben’s nappy and carefully examined his groin.
‘He’s a bit dehydrated. We should put in a drip and do some bloods.’
‘I can try and give him a bottle. Maybe once he’s settled…’ She stopped talking as Nick almost angrily shook his head.
‘He isn’t drinking because his mouth is sore,’ he explained. ‘He’s got oral candida.’ Children the world over got thrush—there were two babies on the ward at this very minute with the same condition—but the huge difference was that Ben was three years old and was HIV positive, and thrush was one of the warning signs in a child like Ben that his condition could be tipping over into full-blownAIDS. ‘He’s got enlarged lymph nodes, Eden.’ Nick’s voice bordered on the apologetic, as if the news he was delivering was somehow his fault. ‘And from his notes he’s lost weight since his last admission. We need to do a full lab screen and see exactly where we are.’
The treatment room was the place of choice for performing procedures. Any child upset on the ward made the other children anxious and where possible patients were moved to the treatment room well out of earshot of the other children. Even though Ben’s skin would be numbed, the insertion of an IV and taking of blood was distressing for a small child, especially one like Ben who, even if he couldn’t feel it, knew exactly what was happening and his tears and distress would upset the other children on the ward. But Ben had passed through the doors many times and Eden felt him stiffen in her arms as she carried him along the corridor. ‘It’s OK, sweetheart,’ Eden said softly. ‘Dr Nick’s just going to fix you up with a drip so we can make you feel better very soon. He’ll be very gentle.’
They worked well together. Eden held the reluctant toddler firmly as he bucked and struggled to get off the treatment bed, one hand gripping his arm tightly as Nick attempted to bring up a vein. She talked to Ben all the while, smiling down at him as Nick cut up tape, knowing full well that IV access in a child had to be secured very firmly if a repeat procedure was to be avoided.
‘I’m in,’ Nick said, but Eden didn’t move, just held on tightly to Ben while Nick secured the bung then put an arm splint in place, immobilising Ben’s little arm and then applying a huge bandage.
‘Leave a gap,’ Eden reminded Nick, because the IV site needed to be checked regularly to ensure that the line was patent and there were no signs of infection.
‘Done.’
Only when Nick had said that word did Eden relax. At that point a child would normally be handed to his parents for a well-earned cuddle and Eden was more than happy to fill in, but Nick did the honours, scooping up his patient and holding him firmly.
‘I’m sorry, Ben, but that nasty old drip is going to make you feel much better soon.’
His clipped public school voice was supremely gentle and his firm grip still tender. Eden watched as Ben relaxed under Nick’s touch, the exhausting day catching up with him. His sobs became less urgent, fading into a hum, each blink of Ben’s eyes lengthening in time as Nick cuddled him to sleep.
‘He’s going to sleep,’ Nick said. He didn’t lower his voice but kept it steady. Most babies were soothed by background noise, comforted by an adult presence, but Ben in particular was more than used to the constant hum of a busy hospital ward.
‘Keep on doing what you’re doing, Nick. Ben’s almost impossible to get to sleep. I’ll go and prepare his cot and set up the IVAC. You’ve got time?’ she checked, knowing a lot of doctors didn’t list rocking babies in their job description.
‘I’ll make time,’ Nick said, not looking up, just holding the little guy tight. Eden had anticipated his answer—Nick’s patients came first always.
Of course, as soon as they laid him down, Ben awoke and, despite his sore throat, screamed loudly, his face purple as he simultaneously coughed and wept. All Eden could do was hold his hand and rub his forehead. She willed sleep to arrive for him so that his tortuous day would be over, but again and again Ben fought sleep. Every time Eden thought he was, and attempted to slip out of the room and check on the rest of her patients, Ben would break into distraught sobs, his oxygen saturation dropping markedly as he vomited.
‘Should you give him something to settle him?’ Eden asked, watching anxiously as Becky and Rochelle ran the length of the ward. She knew that she really ought to be out there, helping.
‘I’d rather not when all he wants is a cuddle.’ Nick let out a wear
y sigh, but suddenly his voice brightened. ‘I’ve got an idea. Wait here!’
As if she had a choice!
Turning her attention back to Ben, Eden offered him his soother again, gently pushed him back down on the pillow, feeling resistance in every muscle. But suddenly he relaxed, the soother in his mouth slipping as his red, chafed face broke into a smile that could only be described as wondrous.
‘Hey!’ Eden grinned back. ‘What do you see, little guy?’ Turning around, following Ben’s gaze, a smile broke out on her own face as she stared at the still crudely decorated Christmas tree, naked of tinsel and with the star at the top missing. But the lights she’d draped were turned on now, twinkling and flashing, and, Eden decided as Ben’s sobs gave way to tiny whimpers, never had a tree looked more beautiful.
‘See the lights,’ Eden whispered. ‘They’re all little fairies, little fairies looking out for Ben…’ She couldn’t go on, the words that normally came so easily as she soothed a distressed child off to sleep just too hard to say tonight. The words stuck in her throat as she wrestled with her tears, sniffing loudly and trying to smile down at the little boy.
But Nick was there now, tucking in the sheet around a now sleepy, docile Ben. Taking Eden’s arm, he led her out of the room and into the first private available space, which happened to be the store cupboard.
‘He’s got full-blown AIDS, hasn’t he?’ Eden gulped, waiting, hoping for Nick to deny it.
Instead, he gave a tired shrug. ‘We won’t know that until the blood results comes back but, I have to admit, it doesn’t look great.’
‘It could just be a simple case of thrush, though,’ Eden said hopefully. ‘And just because—’
‘Eden?’ Nick broke in, his voice questioning, his eyes narrowing as he stared down at her, taking in the swollen reddened eyes, the trembling hands, her top teeth biting her bottom lip as she made an effort to keep from breaking down. ‘Why don’t I feel like I’m talking to Ben’s nurse here? Why do I feel like I’m comforting a parent?’
‘I’m allowed to be upset,’ Eden retorted, pulling a tissue out of her pocket and blowing her nose. She pulled herself together and forced a smile. ‘Look, I’m fine. It was just a bit of a shock, that’s all. I really was expecting this to be a social admission. When you looked down his throat, I wasn’t expecting you to find what you did. It just threw me.’
He continued to stare down at her, those green eyes taking in every flicker. She could smell the citrus tang of his aftershave, see the power in his arms, and for a second all Eden wanted to do was lean on him, to weep into his chest, to feel those strong arms comfort her, to have him tell her that it was all going to be OK, that little Ben was going to be fine.
But, quite simply, she couldn’t, and, Eden realised, the horrible truth starting to sink in, neither could Nick say that Ben was going to be OK. So instead they stood there, for what seemed the longest time, Eden forcing a smile, pretending she could deal with this as Nick weighed up whatever was on his mind.
‘We’ll go for a drink when your shift’s over.’
‘A drink?’ Bewildered, she stared back at him. As friendly as they had once been, their relationship, if you could call it that, had never extended outside the hospital walls. A stupid flame of hope started to fizz in her stomach but instantly Nick doused it.
‘Or we can talk tomorrow at work, in front of Donna, but I really think the conversation we’re about to have should take place well away from the ward.’
‘I’m in my uniform,’ Eden protested.
‘So?’ Nick shrugged. ‘We’ll go to Kelly’s over the road, you’ll match everyone there!’
CHAPTER FOUR
NICK had been only half joking.
Kelly’s was a favourite haunt for hospital staff and one Eden stayed away from. Sure, she’d been there for a couple of birthday celebrations and leaving dos, but generally she avoided it. Too many nurses waiting for too few doctors, there was a certain needy air to it that Eden didn’t ever want to buy into. And her feelings about the place were only confirmed as she walked in with Nick. The crowded bar was filled with hospital personnel popping in after a late shift, but despite the fact it was crowded, despite the fact if Eden had walked in alone, no one would have turned a hair, as Nick walked in behind her, the atmosphere shifted suddenly. There was a buzz of expectation in the air and Eden could have sworn half the women in the place suddenly seemed to suck in their stomachs and flick their hair. Curious glances were being shot in her direction as Nick guided her to a table at the back before going to get them both a drink.
Eden watched as he attempted to make his way to the bar. His name was called from several directions, groups dispersing as everyone suddenly decided that they too needed to go to the bar. Eden wondered for a moment what it would be like to be that beautiful, to have that effect on a crowded room. Could Nick really be blamed for taking his pick?
‘Here.’ Pushing a glass towards her, he smiled as she took a sip, watching her face screw up. ‘Gin and lemon,’ Nick said without apology. ‘I thought you might need it.’
‘If I’d wanted a gin, Nick, I’d have asked for it. I happen to be on an early tomorrow,’ Eden snapped, feeling defensive.
‘I’m not planning on getting you drunk and having my wicked way with you, Eden.’
Unfortunately! Eden gave a weak smile as the thought popped into her head.
‘I’m worried about you.’ As she opened her mouth to argue, Nick overrode her. ‘I was actually worried about you during Ben’s last admission. I spoke to Donna about it.’
‘You spoke to Donna?’ Appalled, she stared back at him. ‘But why?’
‘Because every shift you were looking after Ben.’
‘It’s called continuity of care,’ Eden retorted. ‘It’s far better for Ben if he sees a familiar face.’
‘But is it doing you any good?’ Nick didn’t back down an inch, confronting her angry stare with a firm one of his own. ‘You’re too involved, Eden.’
‘I’m not.’
‘So what were you talking to Lorna about this evening?’ She could feel his eyes on her as she fiddled with her straw, took another sip of her beastly drink and tried to come up with an answer. ‘If you won’t tell me, Eden, I’ll go and speak to her myself tomorrow.’
‘Please, don’t involve Lorna.’ Instantly Eden shook her head.
‘Then tell me.’ Nick said simply, and as her hands shot up to her hair he reached for her wrist. ‘Stop fiddling with that blessed hair-tie, Eden, and tell me what’s going on.’
‘Nothing’s going on,’ Eden said. ‘I haven’t done anything wrong.’
‘I know that,’ Nick said softly. ‘Come on, Eden, tell me.’
His hand was still on her wrist. Her other hand fiddled with her straw and suddenly Eden was glad Nick had bought her a gin. She took a sip, feeling the sharp taste on her tongue, the warmth as she swallowed it causing enough of a mental diversion to stop the fresh batch of tears that she simply couldn’t cry here of all places.
‘Last time Ben was here, when we were having trouble placing him again,’ Eden started, screwing her eyes closed, not sure how Nick was going to react, ‘I asked Lorna about the possibility of arranging temporary guardianship for me. I wanted to be able to take Ben out now and then.’ She couldn’t look up, could feel Nick’s hand tighten around her wrist. She could maybe have got away with leaving it there, but she knew Nick was too shrewd to accept half a story, that, no doubt, he’d follow it up and find out the whole truth anyway. Despite her reluctance to tell him, as she tentatively continued, there was also a feeling of relief, an unburdening as she finally told Nick the truth. ‘Lorna wasn’t keen, she gave the same warnings about getting too involved, but when I spoke to her properly, told her that it wasn’t just about Ben, it was something I’d always wanted to do, she was really helpful.’
‘Is it something you’ve always wanted to do?’ Nick checked, and Eden nodded.
‘My mum and dad are respite
carers,’ Eden explained. ‘For as long as I can remember, once a fortnight or once a month we’d have some kid staying over, coming to the movies with us, perhaps to give their parents a break or, like Ben, to give them a break from the hospital. So I knew it was possible. Lorna gave me a lot of literature to read and part of it was about becoming a foster-parent. I thought you had to be married or a couple, certainly not a single working mum, but when I looked further into it, I realised that I actually fitted the criteria.’
‘Oh, Eden.’
‘Please, don’t.’ She put up a shaking hand, could hear the worried note in his voice. ‘It isn’t going to happen. If Ben were a normal healthy three-year-old, perhaps I could have managed it, but working shifts and everything, and with Ben’s age and medical conditions, there was no way I could arrange child care while I worked. It was a complete non-starter. Still, I did go through the channels to become a respite carer, but by the time I’d been approved Ben had been allocated foster-parents.’
Her glass was empty now, and she didn’t argue when Nick signalled to the bar staff for another round. She just managed a wry smile that Nick could manage waiter service in a packed bar and was grateful for the relative silence that followed as their drinks were brought over.
It was Eden that broke it.
‘I suppose you’re going to tell me I’m too involved,’
‘I don’t have to, Eden. I’m sure you already know that.’
Eden nodded.
‘We have to maintain a professional distance.’
‘I do,’ she choked. ‘Or I have. I know that we’re not supposed to get too close and in ten years of nursing I never have. Sure, I get upset when a child’s very sick or dies, everyone does, but till now it’s been part of the job, a horrible part perhaps, but I could still see the bigger picture. It’s just with Ben, I don’t feel there’s anyone really pulling for him, there’s no one in his corner, fighting for him.’
‘We all are,’ Nick pointed out, but Eden shook her head.
Christmas on the Children's Ward Page 5
