Legends of Tarthirious: The Complete Collection

by Zachariah Dracoulis

  Grand Gerry the Good:

  10,000 gold.

  Piece of the Skeleton King’s crown.

  Armelia Fireheart:

  +10,000 gold.

  10,250 gold.

  Piece of the Skeleton King’s crown: Weight: 10(-10), Value: Unknown.

  “Holy crap!” Gerry shouted excitedly as we walked over to the Skeleton King’s corpse, “I mean, just… Wow!”

  “Yeah, it’s not a bad haul.” I said coolly, successfully hiding the fact that it really was freaking awesome.

  “’Not a bad haul’? 10,000 gold for what, a few hours? Do you know the current exchange rate!?”

  “Doesn’t matter for now, does it? We’ve got to go on Monday regardless, so maybe let’s find our centres and finish off this quest? I’m starting to get a bit tired.”

  Gerry tried to hide the fact that he was giggling like a schoolgirl, “Okay, but promise we go in together? I haven’t seen gold like this since that three-day binge last Easter.”

  I gave him a warm smile, “Of course, now shush, Dillop’s doing something.”

  The younger Grat brother, well, the only Grat brother, stood over the crown, covered in dirt and crushed bone, staring at the sceptre that made the centrepiece, “My brother died for this stick,” he said bitterly as he pulled it out of the crown, “sure it’s well carved, and the big green gem’s nice and pretty, but was it worth it?”

  I honestly had no idea, but I decided to take a page out of Gerry’s book, “Ask yourself what the Skeleton King could’ve done with that in his possession, and what the Ministry of Druidic Affairs will do with it now, then ask me if it was worth it.”

  Dillop smiled weakly, he clearly wanted to cry but lacked the ability, “You’re right. The Ministry will be able to do a lot of good with this piece of wood. Let’s meet back at the inn.” And without saying another word Dillop walked down the tunnel and left us to admire our work.

  Progress made in mission: The Sceptre of Julkaboobu.

  Objective completed: Retrieve the Sceptre of Julkaboobu.

  Objective added: Return to Kalretch with Dillop.

  “Man,” I said as we walked to the opposite side of the cavern, “look at what we did today.”

  “Pretty crazy, nice move with the sigil by the way, don’t see something like that every day.”

  I chuckled in agreeance and started kicking a skull along. It had been fun, stressful, but fun. There wasn’t a lot of talking, and we certainly weren’t buffing each other, but he had my back. Didn’t matter if there was a skeleton coming for him, he was there to make sure I didn’t have my flesh ripped off my bones, and he did a Hel of a good job.

  “So where are we going? Isn’t the exit that way?” Gerry asked as he pointed in the direction that Dillop had left.

  “There’s an exit up ahead, Shadow-Stal will probably be waiting there, and there’s no having to climb up behind an exceptionally slow druid.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because we’ve been down here for ages, I passed a tunnel over here at least a dozen times.”

  “Are you sure it wasn’t the one we came through?”

  I breathed loudly, fighting back the urge to have a fight with the guy who’d just saved my life fifty times, and nodded, “Yes, I’m sure. Look.” I said as it came into view.

  Gerry shut up after that and let us walk in blissful silence through the tunnel that almost immediately spat us out in a forest where Shadow-Stal stood in patient waiting.

  “How’s the best horse in the world?” Gerry said in a babyish voice.

  Shadow-Stal gave him an odd look, then turned to me.

  A mean smile spread across my face, “Yeah, I think he’s stupid too.”

  “Hey!” Gerry exclaimed with a laugh, “That’s not very nice.”

  “Well I’m not a very nice druid, am I?” I said as I climbed up onto my horse and got comfortable.

  “First of your kind I’d say.” Gerry said as he tried to get on Shadow-Stal while I trotted a few feet away with each attempt. “Oh come on, you’re the one who was just saying that you were getting tired.”

  “Yeah, I know. Messing with you is fun though.” I said before letting him get on.

  “I’d love it if you stopped though, it’s not fun for me.”

  Shadow-Stal set off toward Kalretch through the forest and I felt Gerry grab onto me tighter.

  “It’s not supposed to be fun for you silly, that’s what makes it fun.”

  “That’s what makes it bullying. And can you please slow down?” he pleaded as a branch whizzed by his head.

  “Not if you want to get laid tonight.” I said under the wind with a cheeky smile.

  “What was that!?”

  “I said not unless you want to grow old in here tonight. Why, what did you think I said?”

  “No-… nothing. Let’s just get to Kalretch.” he said, clearly abashed.

  Man, boys are so easy to mess with, aren’t they? I’m not saying I think messing with their emotions is fun, no, definitely not, but the second you refer to even the slightest inkling of sexual relations most get very flustered and confused, which is funny.

  Actually, now that I think about it, that may have been what got it into my head…

  Anyway, we reached Kalretch pretty quickly, proving Gerry right, Shadow-Stal was the best horse in the world, but the night had already returned. Didn’t matter to us though.

  We stepped into the inn like champions, “You want to go get some drinks? Maybe regale some of these gentle folk about how you slew the Skeleton King?”

  Gerry threw me a sarcastic smile, “You really think I’m that type of person? Really?”

  I shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe. I’m going to find Dillop though, finish this quest up. Oh! And be sure to get us a room, I’m pretty sure I could do with a good rest.”

  “I totally agree with you there. Alright, I’ll be right over with a few flagons.” Gerry said before walking over to the bar like a prize cock.

  I did some looking around, but Dillop wasn’t there, a lot of dancing players, and a lot of random characters milling about, but no Dillop.

  Eventually I surrendered my search and found an empty booth where I sat and waited for Gerry to show.

  “Where is he?” a dual flagon wielding Gerry asked as he took a seat across from me.

  I shrugged, “He’s a no show, I reckon he’s just got stuck somewhere. You get the room?”

  Gerry sent a drink my way and I started to chug, “Course, how long do you think he’ll be?”

  I turned the flagon upside-down and slammed it on the table, “I don’t think ‘til morning, at least, so you wanna finish that off so we can head to the room?”

  He didn’t need to be asked and already all but inhaled the frothy drink. With a triumphant “Ah!” he got to his feet and I followed.

  “Are you going to use those SPs?”

  “Are you hired by the game to ask me that? No, not yet, I want to sort them out when I’m a bit more clearheaded and not falling asleep.”

  Grand Gerry the Good has unlocked your room.

  “I totally understand that.” he said as I entered the tiny room and shut the door behind me.

  I leapt into the bed and shuffled into the straw mattress, “Ah. Prickly and riddled with fleas, you should’ve told me you’d splurged on the Platinum Suite.”

  “Ha-ha.” he said before flopping onto his own bed across from mine, “Unless you want to spend a few hours riding to my place, shut up.”

  “Thank you for today.” I said, ignoring his salty remark.

  “What?” he asked in a very surprised voice.

  “Thanks for the day. Breakfast, this, it’s been great.”

  There was silence for a while, but he eventually broke it, “You’re welcome. Good night.”

  “Yeah…” I trailed off happily, “night.”

  Kylia: Chapter 8

  I plugged Daemion back in after Gerald and I signed off and let him
get back to work. I should’ve known something was off then, just with how fast he was stocking up on gold, but I was distracted by other things.

  “That was fun.” Gerald said as he packed his mouse and laptop back into their bag.

  I smiled, “Yeah, yeah it was.”

  We both stood there for a while in our post game semi brain death looking at each other. Occasionally one of us would smile, but mostly it was just awkward staring.

  “Well, I should head off then.” Gerald said, lugging his laptop bag’s strap over his shoulder.

  I nodded, “Yeah, probab- bloody Hell! No you’re not!” I shouted when I noticed the time on my kitchen clock through the computer room’s open door, “It’s three in the morning you mental case, I’m not going to let you wander home.”

  “I’ll be fine, trust me, I’m not exactly gonna get lost, am I?” he said with a reassuring smile.

  I crossed my arms and shook my head, “Nope, not happening.”

  He made a shocked face, “I’m sorry? No offence, but there’s no bloody way I’m sleeping on that couch again.”

  “Well…” I stopped, realising what I was saying, but decided to press on anyway, “I’ve got a queen?”

  “But I haven’t had a shower.” he said, glossing over the fact but not before his eyebrows nearly went into his hairline.

  “Last I checked I’ve got one.”

  “I haven’t any pyjamas.”

  “You can borrow a pair of mine, I’ve got some boxers lying around.”

  He laughed for a second, “I’m sorry, but I sincerely doubt they’ll fit me. I’m not that thin.”

  I shrugged my still crossed arms and looked away, “Sleep in the nude, I do.”

  “Pardon?” he croaked.

  ‘Oh good,’ I thought, ‘I’m not the only who’s freaking out.’

  “I’ve got the heater on, and it’s much more comfortable. I liked sleeping like that.”

  “Funny, I thought you liked sleeping in the street.” he joked timidly, trying to hide the fact that he was sweating under the collar.

  I uncrossed my arms and put my hands on my hips, I don’t know why, it felt stupid, but I committed to it, “Look, if you want to go trudging out into the cold I can’t stop you, I just… I thought it might be nice if we spent the night in. And I got my new computer coming in in the morning and I could use a hand moving everything around so I can fit it in.”

  He just looked at me for a while longer, but eventually he put his bag on the floor, “I guess I’ll go have a shower then.” he said awkwardly before leaving the room, shutting the door behind me.

  The second I heard the shower turn on I dropped into a crouched position and then fell on my arse. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t want to have sex with him, I just didn’t not want to have sex with him.

  I’d known him for ages, and I’m not going to lie, this was the most we’d talked since I started working with him, but I was really enjoying it. He was just such a great guy, competitive, but great. And I knew he liked me, a few guys and gals around the office did, but as I said, I thought I was on more of a girl swing.

  He just… he wasn’t the type I was fantasising about during my alone time, he was the type that I wanted to spend time with every second of every day. I felt a bit like a psycho, and I very well may have been, but I didn’t really care.

  I stayed on the floor thinking, and only got up when I had made a decision. I wasn’t going to sleep with him, I mean, I was going to sleep with him, but I was going to have sex with him. Wasn’t. I meant wasn’t. Definitely wasn’t.

  My head hurt.

  I stepped out of the room and took a few deep breaths, I was going to wait to see how the night panned out, then I would see if I wanted to go any further. I was well within my rights to do that, refusal of service was a part of all good businesses. Not that I was a business.

  And he hadn’t actually requested service, I’d pressured him into staying, like those cashiers at the service station who’re always trying to get you to buy bags of lollies.

  Was I pressuring him? Was I some kind of monster preying on the man’s inability to say no?

  God! Why was it so difficult? It’s not like I hadn’t done it before, and there’d been a whole lot less talking with those people.

  I was not doing well.

  I went and sat on my bed and stared at the en suite’s door, not really thinking that through, and was surprised when Gerald came out in absolutely nothing, covering his privates with a sock.

  “I’m so sorry!” he shouted after disappearing back into the bathroom, almost slipping and killing himself, “I didn’t know you were in here! I was just going to ask for a towel.”

  I swallowed a lump about the size of a lorry, “Uh… Yeah, yes, I’ll just… um… Hold on.”

  I threw open my cupboard and started rummaging through the piles upon piles that made up my clothing looking for a towel, the linen usually having been stuffed in there. Nothing.

  I ran over to the side of my bed opposite the shower and poured out the laundry basket’s contents on the floor. A lot of dirty underwear and shirts, but no towels. I was about to have a panic attack when I turned around and saw, folded on my pillow, a large brown towel.

  Stifling a laughing fit, I grabbed it up and took it to the door and opened it an inch before forcing the towel through the gap, “There, is there anything else you need?”

  “Nope.” he said quickly, taking the towel from my hand, “Thank youpe!”

  The door shut and I went and sat on the bed. It took me a minute to realise the flaw in that plan, but when I did I almost ran out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

  “Tea!” I exclaimed aloud, “I’ll make tea.” I said, committing to the whole talking to myself thing.

  Go ahead judge me, like you’d handle it any better.

  Kylia: Chapter 9

  I’d just finished pouring Gerald’s cup when he came out in nothing but his glasses and a towel, “Oh, thank you.”

  I gave him a cheeky grin and shook my head, “What are you talking about? These are both for me.”

  He looked away abashed, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to assu-”

  “Oh for God’s sake,” I said as I crossed the room with a cup in each hand and gave him one, “be less submissive. It’s not an attractive quality.”

  He lost all of his awkwardness and smiled before gesturing to his athletic body, “I am attractive quality.” he said charmingly.

  I laughed and took a sip from my near-boiling tea and tried desperately to hide the fact that I wanted to spit it up, “Humble too.”

  “I know, right? So what do want to do?” he asked as he took a drink.

  I almost choked, “What do you mean?”

  He shrugged “I don’t know, want to watch a movie or something, or just head straight to bed?”

  I nodded along as if I knew that I understood what he was talking about the entire time, “Ah, um… I don’t know, I’m pretty tired. I figured finish this and then get some sleep.”

  “Yeah, me too. Showers always pep me up a bit though, but I reckon having a seat and drinking this will get rid of all that.”

  I agreed with an “Ah.” and then proceeded to stand there awkwardly.

  I didn’t know what to do, he was standing there mostly naked, and I was being the weirdo. Then I had an idea, “Hey, you want to go sit on the couch? I’ll be right back.”

  “Yeah sure, you alright?”

  “Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” I said as I went into my room and shut the door.

  My chest felt like it was exploding and collapsing in on itself at the same time. My breathing was erratic and my hands just wouldn’t stop shaking. I put my cup down on the bedside table before I could spill it all over myself.

  After I calmed down as much as I could, I went to work on my clothes, and, for some reason, it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I nearly tripped five times just trying to get my underwear off, and I mean my bra.r />
  However I did eventually successfully get my kit off without killing myself, and quickly wrapped myself in a blanket before picking my tea back up and going back into the living room.

  Let me just say, the look on his face was priceless, you’d think I’d done the movie thing and come in wearing nothing but high heels and a garter belt, which never made any sense to me. Why would you wear a garter belt when you weren’t even wearing a shirt? I like to bury myself in logical inconsistencies when I’m nervous.

  “Oh… Okay, hi?” Gerald stumbled over himself.

  ‘Phew,’ I thought, ‘now I get to be the funny one who tells him he’s being weird.’

  “Yeah, I just thought it’d be better this way, you know? Like… like more comfortable for you.”

  ‘Great job,’ I said as I mentally slow clapped myself, ‘really made the situation all better.’

  Gerald swallowed hard and nodded, “Thank you.” he said as he nervously crossed his legs.

  Skipping any further conversation, I went and sat next to him, but pretended to be very interested in my cup. Perhaps too interested.

  “Is there something in it?” he asked.

  “What? No, I jus- ah!” I shouted as I poured some in my lap somehow.

  I put the cup down and jumped off the couch, brushing off my mostly okay legs, and sighing with relief when I saw there weren’t any burns. But then I realised why I could tell there weren’t any burns and looked at the couch, my blanket opened up on the couch and most definitely not covering me.

  Gerald, after realising he was staring, covered his eyes, “Oh my God. I’m sorry, I didn’t’ mean to- oh God.”

  I snatched up the blanket and wrapped it around my chest and bit my lip. “Maybe we should just go to b-”

  “Mmhm. Good plan, good plan.” he said, uncovering his eyes just enough so that he could see where the bedroom was, and walking briskly toward it while I stood there in my embarrassment.

  “Well…” I said to the room, “this isn’t going as well as I would’ve thought.”

  Kylia: Chapter 10

  For what felt like hours, I stood outside my bedroom door, waiting to knock, or ring a doorbell, or something. There was someone else in my space, and I didn’t know how to handle that. I didn’t mind that Gerald was in there, not at all, in fact the thought alone sent warm, fuzzy feelings all throughout my body. It was just the fact that anyone was in there at all that had me on edge.