Legends of Tarthirious: The Complete Collection

by Zachariah Dracoulis

  “We should really get a basket. Each of us. For our own laundry. In our own homes.” I was stammering, but I managed to cover it with false exertion from carrying and dropping the clothes.

  “Yeah, I keep meaning to, but I can never find the time. Speaking of which, do you want to get changed? You don’t have to of course, I just know whenever I go out in comfy clothes I end up running into everyone I’ve ever met.”

  I chuckled, “Yeah, me too. It’s weird how you’ll get all dressed up and not see anyone, but then you have crisps in your hair and it’s when your mum shows up for tea. But yes, I’d love to get changed.”

  “Cool, I’ll give you some privacy.”

  The second he was out the door I was looking for my nice black lingerie, it’d been ages since I’d worn them and it seemed like a good time. I set my glasses down and pulled off my other clothes as I pulled open drawers and checked the top of the wardrobe.

  I shifted some long skirts along the metal bar and found them folded neatly at the bottom next to a few other racy items. It took me a few seconds, and I was convinced that I’d ripped them, but I did get them on.

  I went into the bathroom to look for some perfume and caught my reflection. I looked good, like really good. All lacy and fit and sexy. It was great.

  That’s when I had a thought.

  I left the en suite and went to the bedroom door, “Gerald, you still out there?”

  “Yeah, you alright?”

  “I’m fine, but could I borrow you in here for a second?”

  My heart was racing to the point that I was pretty sure it was trying to kill me, but then I noticed the door handle moving and jumped back.

  “What do you…” he was lost. Mission accomplished.

  “Thoughts?” I asked, standing as ‘sexily’ as I could, for all I knew I could’ve looked like a confused flamingo.

  “I-I-I… um… Christ… um… It’s very… nice?”

  ‘Just ask him!’ I screamed at myself, “Do you like me?”

  “Pardon?”

  I started to close the space between us, “Do you like me? As a person, as a friend, whatever, do you like me?”

  He choked on his words for a time before deciding to simply nod.

  “I like you too. Like… a lot. And I’ve been having a lot of-”

  He stopped me with his lips against mine and my heart finally exploded. We stayed like that for a while, locked together at the lips, until I broke away and threw him on the bed.

  “What are you doing?” he asked with a nervous laugh.

  “Something that I’ll immediately regret or really not,” I said as I pulled off his pants, “either way, life is full of chances and I think it’s high-time I started taking some.”

  I climbed up his body, spread my legs over his waist, pulled my lingerie to the side, and… well. You get the idea.

  Kylia: Chapter 15

  After two and half hours there were clothes everywhere, and I was lying with my chest to the bed to take the pressure off my knees and arms, while Gerald knelt behind and to my left puffing, something that I really didn’t blame him for.

  “Well…” I said with a bit of a moan, “that was unexpected.”

  “You’re telling me,” Gerald laughed past an obvious stitch, “I wouldn’t have had a shower if I’d known we were going to do this.” he said before collapsing beside me and smiling at my exhausted and very much so relaxed face.

  “You have very pretty eyes, you know that?” I said in semi euphoria.

  “So do you.”

  “Hey!” I said, his last sentence just popping into my head, “You said something about a shower. We should totally have one of those right now. I need to wash my hair… and I really need to brush my teeth. We can’t be going into the museum looking like we just got attacked by an air hose.”

  Gerald giggled, “I’ll attack you with my air hose.”

  I frowned with confusion, “What does that even mean?” I asked as I attempted to get to my feet and felt a tantalising electric shock zip through my body.

  “Well I know hose is penis. The rest is open to interpretation.”

  I think we were both kind of brain-dead, but that was fine. At least we made it to the shower safely, and, as someone who’d never showered with someone else before, I have to say it was pretty nice.

  I was kind of self-conscious at first, washing myself in front of another person, but once I got past that and sort of leant into the whole thing I really got to enjoy having someone wash my back.

  I’d like to pretend we had sex again in the shower, and we did try, but it turns out that a shower does not a good place to have sexual relations make, and after I nearly had toothbrush go in my eye I was no longer in the mood.

  After the shower I got dressed in some respectable clothes, geeky tee, skinny jeans, canvas shoes, and a men’s cargo jacket, the women’s ones always had those weird hoodies that I hated.

  Then there was Gerald, who had no choice but to get dressed in the daggy clothes I’d brought him in the morning. “Would you mind if we stopped back my place for a better shirt before we head into the city?”

  “No, you must dress as a couch potato for the rest of your life.” I said regally as I grabbed up my old and ratty satchel used for outings and slung it over my shoulder, “Course we can you nonce.”

  “Cheers.” he said, tossing me my keys, wallet, phone and Armelia necklace that he’d had in his pockets. “You left them out, I figured I’d grab them so they didn’t go missing.”

  I smiled and put everything but the necklace in the satchel, choosing to put the USB on instead, an action that Gerald mimicked with his.

  I gave myself a quick pat-down to make sure I had everything I needed, which was more of a memory invigorator than anything, and gave a satisfied nod once I was positive I had everything, “Let’s roll.”

  We got a few odd looks from my neighbours as we made our way downstairs, Lily even stuck her head out her door when she heard us passing and gave Gerald a high-five before disappearing back into her flat.

  Once we got outside though it was clear that no one on the street knew, which was a relief to say the least, and pretty soon after that Gerald no longer looked like a handsome hobo. All that he’d done was replaced his shirt with a slightly nicer one and a jacket, but it had totally transformed him into movie star level attractive in my eyes.

  Daemion: Chapter 4

  Daemion the Dread has achieved the rank Undisputed Champion in the arena by maintaining his position at #1 on the global leaderboard for more than 24 hours.

  Congratulations!

  +100,000 gold.

  286,000 gold.

  Player disconnected.

  Opening chatroom.

  ‘She’s now reached over a quarter million gold. I’m concerned that further use on my behalf will cause discrepancies in our narrative based on her daily schedule.’

  …

  …

  ‘We are monitoring her. Saturation necessary.´

  …

  …

  ‘You keep saying that. How much saturation is necessary? If we go overboard on this, there’s not a single respectable judge that will believe she had anything to do with it.’

  …

  …

  ‘It is not your place to question your orders. Continue mission.’

  …

  …

  ‘I have to know when to stop. If this goes wrong it will be all of our heads.’

  …

  …

  ‘Is that a threat?’

  …

  …

  ‘Of course not. I’m merely expressing my concern that-’

  Left chatroom.

  “Mother fucker!... Fine, you want me to continue my mission? I’ll continue my mission. Fucking twats…”

  Player has joined.

  Searching for match…

  Kylia: Chapter 16

  The trip into the city was pretty uneventful, both of us attempted to ho
ld the other’s hand at a few points which was met with a surprised flinch, but we eventually got it down. Walking down busy London streets holding hands like a couple of losers.

  I loved every second of it.

  It took us a while to find the museum, mainly because neither of us had been in over a decade, when we did I was so grateful though. It was one of those things that I’d never had thought to do by myself, but it was also something that I greatly enjoyed.

  We spent ages looking over beautiful fossils and ancient artefacts, I think I may have actually learned a few things as well. It was a very peaceful and grown-up affair. Until we got to the weapons exhibits, that is.

  “That thing is awesome!” I yelled over to Gerald on the other side of the empty room as I looked at a gorgeous samurai sword that appeared to be made of jade.

  “You think that’s cool? Come check this out.” he called over in a much calmer voice.

  I lingered a few more seconds, drinking in the amazing blade, before running over to Gerald and his display.

  “Oh that is nice…” I drifted off while examining the two-hundred-year-old long barrelled revolver. It had all these intricate engravings, some of which I was pretty sure were Latin, and a little pentagram carved into the wooden handle.

  “That is cool, but I was talking about that.” he said as he pointed at a rather innocuous tomahawk a few feet down from the revolver. “Apparently it’s a genuine Algonquian tomahawk from before Europeans went over. How awesome is that?”

  I gave him a look that asked ‘Are you serious?’ but clearly that wasn’t enough, “You’re comparing that to a jade sword? Really?”

  He thought on his response for a little while before shrugging and nodding, “Yes, yes I am. The difference is that this thing was used, it actually split wood and skulls. That sword has probably been used as a display item since it was made.”

  I crossed my arms, “I’d rather have that sword hanging over my bed than that axe.”

  “I wouldn’t want either. That’s how people die.”

  “How?” I asked before thinking.

  Gerald regarded me with confusion, “From the death. I mean-”

  I started laughing, “Want to try again there?”

  “No,” he said with a cute smile, “no, I’m good. Lunch?”

  “God yes! What are you thinking?”

  “Pie? We should see if anywhere has pie.”

  I nodded enthusiastically, “Yes, maybe some chips and gravy as well.”

  We started walking and Gerald smiled at the ground, “You’re just too perfect, you know that?”

  “Yep. Don’t even have to try.”

  “Sure you don’t.”

  I giggled, “Jerk.”

  “Bitch.”

  It wasn’t long before we found a place that met our dietary desires, a little family chip shop tucked between a supermarket and a popular fast-food chain, and the food was amazing.

  Seriously, to this day I have never had chips or pie that good.

  “Hey,” Gerald asked, breaking the silence caused from trying to absorb every last particle of the meat pies in front of us, “what are we?”

  “Animalia.” I said as if I hadn’t been working on the line for the past 10 minutes.

  “Heh, can you be more specific?”

  “Primates.” ‘Bam! Two for two.’

  “You know what I mean.” he said in a voice that was serious enough to stop me from going on, but without getting grumpy.

  I wiped my face with my napkin, taking as much time as I could, then leant my elbows on the table and rested my chin in my hands, “What would you like us to be?”

  “I… I’ve liked you for a really long time, and even though it’s only been over the past few days that we’ve really got to spend some time together, I feel like I’ve known you for years.”

  I decided to skip over the comedic ‘Well… you kinda have’ and jump straight to “I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to give you something nearly as romantic and beautiful as you just said. All I can tell you is that, up until Friday night, you were a friend from work, a friend that could probably kick my arse at any videogame in the world except Tarthirious, but a friend nonetheless.”

  “And now?” he asked, forcing me to start coming up with more human words.

  Why can’t people just touch fingers and download? Why?

  “Now… Now you’re most definitely not a friend. I want to spend every waking minute with you, and have fun and just... gah.”

  Gerald laughed, “I agree. Gah works.”

  We stared at each other for a while, not awkwardly, at least I hope not, just enjoying each other, drinking in each other. As far as I was concerned we were two of the most beautiful people in the world and every moment led up to that one.

  Turns out every moment was leading up to something completely different, but we’ll get to that soon enough.

  Kylia: Chapter 17

  You know what’s awesome? Arcades. You know what’s even more awesome? Arcades with dance machines.

  Gerald and I must’ve crushed down the bones in our heels to next to nothing, what with the literal hours we spent on the thing breaking as many high scores as possible. The K-Pop ones were by far the hardest, and the most fun.

  Anyway, we limped away from the arcade while our lungs apparently decided to stay behind, and tried to hold hands, but the time holding onto the metal bar for support had rendered my fingers useless. It had zoomed right past pins and needles and gone straight to complete and utter numbness.

  “Well,” I heaved as we got on the homebound tube, “we certainly got our physical activity done for the day.”

  “I think you mean… whew… year.” Gerald said as we collapsed in a painful clump on the nearest available seats, “Pizza?”

  I tried to answer but I felt like I was suffocating, so I just nodded.

  “Just so you know,” Gerald puffed out with a smile, “I don’t think I’ll be up for any more amorous activities.”

  “Me… either. Like… ever.”

  We would go on to have sex three more times in the next twelve hours, but again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

  “Do you like doing this stuff with me?” I asked after we’d had a few minutes to catch our breath.

  “Course I do, this has been the most fun I’ve had in ages. How about you?”

  “Hell yeah. I never knew it before, but you’re one of the coolest people I know.”

  He laughed, “You don’t know that many people.”

  I went to retort, but then smiled when I realised something, “I’m pretty sure that you just insulted yourself.”

  He gave me a weird look and blew a raspberry, “No, that was obviously… wait… shit.”

  “Heh, you’re fun even when I’m not picking on you, you just do it to yourself when I leave you alone for long enough.”

  We returned to peaceful silence for a while, all the way to West Ham actually, just holding hands and being freakin’ adorable, but then a thought hit me, “What are we going to tell everyone at work?” I asked as we got off.

  “I was literally just thinking that,” Gerald said in an almost amazed voice, “two peas. I think that we don’t tell them anything. Not because I don’t want them to know, it’s just that I don’t think it’s their business.”

  “I’m with you on that, and if anyone asks we tell them. Easy.”

  “Easy breezy.” he said with something else clearly on his mind.

  I knew the feeling, wanting to finish the conversation before jumping onto a new one, but at the same time you have to leave it for X amount of time so no one thinks you’re an arsehole who just likes the sound of their own voice, yet if you wait too long the subject could change.

  Again, humans, learn to touch-download. We are just the worst animals.

  “Pizza!” Gerald finally let out once we’d left the station, “I know this really great place near the bakery. Real Italian style.”

  “Gillioponopoulos�
��?” I asked excitedly. It was hands down the best pizza in the UK at least, and I made a habit to get a slice at least once a week.

  “Yeah! The one run by the-”

  “Really cranky Irishmen who refuses to change the name!” we said in unison.

  Maybe we were touch-downloading…

  “God, I love that place,” I said as my mouth already started to foam, “I can never eat a whole pizza though. I get one and it lasts me a week.”

  “Same here! Sometimes I have to throw some of it out and it feels like I’m committing some kind of sacrileges crime against the food Gods.”

  “As you should!” I accused, “How dare you commit such a heinous crime, you should’ve been bringing it to me.”

  “Well I didn’t know you lived nearby, did I?”

  “You should have. This is really all your fault.” I said boldly.

  “What’s all my fault!?”

  “Us not being together sooner. You should’ve found me. But no, you just had to leave me all alone.” I was being very dramatic, almost theatre level dramatic, and Gerald was loving it.

  “Why didn’t you fin- oh. We’re here.” he said in shock when he realised we’d arrived at the barred glass door of Gillioponopoulos’ Pizza.

  “Does kinda sneak up on you, what with the big flashing neon sign and all.” I teased.

  “Like you noticed it.” he scoffed back, “Now… Let me guess.” he said as we entered the warm establishment. “Hawaiian?”

  “Do you follow me home or something?”

  He clicked his fingers together then clapped, “Knew it! It’s my favourite, only other thing that even comes close is those microwavable supreme ones.”

  “Yes! Something about them being smaller just makes them better, right?”

  “Can you both shut up and order or get out?” the store owner almost snapped, I say almost because he clearly didn’t care enough to get that angry. He was one of those narcissistic but self-loathing types, like he was better than everyone else, but he was also shit, and he was also rather tall and had either luscious or oily black hair, it was hard to tell considering his face was so dry and gaunt.