Being Invisible

by Penny Baldwin

  “Extra pizza? I don’t think so. I know you can come up with something better than that.”

  “Then why don’t you think of something Mr. Negotiator?”

  Colin taps his finger against his lip, presumably deep in thought. “How about double or triple word score means you get to ask the other person any thing you want, and the other person has to say yes?”

  His idea surprises me.

  What kind of “thing” will he ask for?

  My mind flashes through all of the possibilities. I nod my head slowly, looking into his eyes for any signs of his intent.

  “Great. I have to make a list of all the things you are going to say yes to.” With that he places his word dangerously close to a double word tile, undoubtedly planning for his next move.

  “So are you curious about what you are going to be saying yes to?” I laugh, then place the word ‘staple’ down, purposely avoiding triple word areas. He can have those.

  “As much as I would love to say yes to you all day long, my vocabulary skills are just too prodigious for you. You don't even have a chance.”

  “Wow. Big word Vapor. Nice to see that you are making good use of your Thesaurus app.”

  “You’re just being invidious.”

  “Really, Colin? Do you even know what that word means? Something tells me there might be some cheating going on here.”

  Colin eyes me with confidence before laying his word down.

  “Double letter score baby. That’s not cheating. That’s awesomeness.”

  “Consider yourself lucky,” I mutter while taking off my sweats.

  “Did you just say that I am going to get lucky?” Colin teases. Because that’s what I heard.”

  Just for that I place my word over a triple letter tile, and glare at him. “Your turn.” I say, leaning back in my chair to take in the view.

  Colin takes off his shirt and throws it over my head.

  I nod once in appreciation.

  Colin starts to pick up his tiles, when we hear a knock on the door.

  I look at him, confusion on my face. Colin shrugs, and shakes his head. He has no idea either.

  After handing me my sweatpants and slipping on his shirt, he heads over to the door.

  “Stay back, just in case.” Colin makes sure I am completely dressed, then opens the door slightly. After seeing who it is, he pulls the door the rest of the way open. “Hey, Robbie. How is it going?”

  Rob? Why is Rob here?

  “Pretty good, man.” Rob shakes Colin’s hand before turning to me. “Hi, Lucy. Sorry to interrupt.”

  I nod weakly, unsure of why he would be here.

  “What’s up?” Colin asks. He glances at me, then at Rob. He seems nervous.

  Why does he seem nervous?

  “Sorry, Col. I really don’t want to get in the way of your weekend, but I thought you would want to know.”

  Colin nods in understanding, so Rob continues. “You were right. The location for the drop is near here.”

  “What drop?” I ask, getting more worried by the second.

  Rob looks at Colin, waiting for his response.

  Colin takes a deep breath before speaking. “A huge drug cartel. They’ve got their hands in a lot of things. None of it legal.” I can tell he’s not finished with the story, but he’s hesitating for some reason.

  “And?” I ask quietly.

  “I overheard a conversation when I was invisible. Something they said connected. I wasn’t positive, but it made me think of a diner in town. I thought that might be where the next deal is going down. Turns out I was right. ” He looks down when he says it, then glances at me like he knows how I am going to react.

  “Lee’s Diner? The one five miles down the street?” My voice is just above a whisper.

  “Yes.”

  “So that’s why we’re here?” My voice shakes, but I take a deep breath and swallow. No tears. “You didn’t bring me here to make it special, you did it so you could stop a drug deal?”

  “No, Luce it’s not like that. I wanted to take you away. I did. I just knew that there was a chance…”

  “Don’t. I don’t want to hear it, Colin. If you wanted to ‘take me away’ you would have found the spot farthest away from all of this. Instead, you take me right to it. You were allowing me to believe this was for me so that you could be the superhero you are ‘meant to be’ while avoiding a fight with your girlfriend. That’s it, right?”

  “Lucy, No. I love you. No one really thought…I mean I wasn’t sure. I still plan on spending the weekend with you, just… after. This doesn’t have to ruin it.”

  “When is this deal ‘going down?’” My question is directed at Rob.

  “Uh, tomorrow sometime.” Rob looks between us, then decides the ceiling would be a much better visual than either of us.

  “Well. You are in luck because Colin has no other plans.”

  Colin starts to speak, but I stop him before he says something that we will both regret.

  “Don’t even start. Whatever you think you are going to say, I’m sure I don’t want to hear it.”

  “If you would just listen…” Colin raises his arms in frustration, while I cross my arms over my chest in defiance.

  “Hey guys, I um-” before Rob can finish his sentence Colin and I both snap at him. “What?” we shout in unison.

  “Sorry. I’m going to uh, I just have to... you know what? You guys are on your own. I’m not even going to pretend like you’re not making me uncomfortable as hell. So, I’m leaving.” He gives us a half wave before walking out the door.

  My brain hurts. My head hurts. And I don’t want to talk about any of it. So, I do the only thing that comes to mind. I walk away, and hope he doesn’t follow me. I can’t take much more of his save the world shit right now.

  As soon as I am in the bedroom I slam the door. Before I can lock it, Colin comes barging in.

  “Luce…”

  “I don’t want to hear it, Colin.” So much for not crying in front of him. “I thought…” I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes before continuing. “I thought you brought me here because you wanted to show me that I am more important to you than all this other stuff.”

  “You are. I am trying to find a way to make it work. My job, being a hero, finding time with you. I thought by bringing you here, I could do both. It’s only a few hours.” Colin rubs his face and runs his hands through his hair in exasperation.

  “Fine, Colin. Go tomorrow. It’s obviously important.

  Colin looks at me, unsure what to do. He slowly walks into my space and puts his arms around me. I don’t want him near me, but I also don’t want to be anywhere but in his arms. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much, but I am beginning to think that it’s not enough.

  My heart wins out, and I let him hold me while I cry. Once I feel better, I pull away.

  “I’m tired. I just want to go to bed.” I wipe my eyes and run my fingers through my hair trying to pull myself together.

  “Okay sweetie. We will both feel better after a good night’s sleep.” He grabs my hand to walk with me to bed. I quickly pull my hand away and take a step back.

  “I can’t. I love you, Colin, but I just can’t be with you tonight. I am going to sleep in one of the other rooms and sort my head out.”

  “Lucy, Don’t do this. We need each other. I will sleep much better with you next to me.

  I lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m sorry. I just...I can’t." I turn quickly and walk away, find the closest room and fall onto the bed. My brain is on overload, one thought still running through my mind.

  I am beginning to think that it's not enough.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Songs For the Promises We Can’t Keep

  I could have sworn that before I went to bed, I told Colin something along the lines of "I can't be with you tonight," along with something sounding a lot like, "I am sleeping in another room." Clearly I must have imagined that. I can't think of
any other reason that I have awakened to the feel of Colin's slow, even breaths against my neck, and his arms winding around me, pulling me close.

  I deliberately turn my head slowly so I don't disturb him. Just as I suspect, he is out cold. I take a minute to enjoy the security of Colin's embrace and breathe in the scent of his soap. I allow myself to soak in this moment while I can, because as soon as he wakes up I am going to be so pissed.

  A few minutes later, Colin stirs in his sleep, turning onto his back but not waking up. I finally give up waiting for him and throw my pillow at his head.

  He sits up immediately. "What the hell, Lucy?" Colin looks around frantically, trying to get his bearings.

  "I could ask you the same question, Colin. This is my bed. What are you doing in it?"

  Colin stretches his arms over his head, then runs his hands through his hair, still looking half asleep. "I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night. I needed you."

  He looks miserable, but so am I, so I'm running low on compassion. "Well I needed you to be here with me this weekend, but apparently that was too much to ask, so you don't get to need me back."

  "Lucy..." Colin looks lost. He sighs and starts rubbing his temples. It takes him a second before he collects his thoughts. "This thing, being invisible, it gives me opportunities that no one else can have. No one. And why? Because I am a screw up that spilled some shit on myself. I need to feel like I deserve this."

  Colin shifts so he is directly in front of me on the bed, and grabs my hand. "And today is big. If we can get these guys, we will be keeping hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of heroin off the streets. Upwards of eighty criminals will go to jail. Guys that have stolen cars, harassed business owners to keep their drug business alive, killed innocent people. If I can help stop them, I have to do it."

  I take a few deep breaths before I respond. “I know you do. And I know more than anyone how hard you have worked to get to this point."

  I take a break, unsure if I am able to say out loud what I am feeling. After a few seconds, I continue. "But I don’t think there is room in your life to do that and be with me.”

  Colin, who up to this point has been fairly calm, stands up and starts pacing. “Are you telling me I have to choose? It’s being a superhero or being with you?” He startles me with the anger in his voice, and it takes me a second to answer.

  “No. I would never ask you to choose. I know how important it is to you. I was there with you from the beginning. It’s your passion to help others. But passionate people have to make sacrifices. And that’s me. I’m your sacrifice. You can’t hold on to me with two fingers, while you’re trying to save the world with both hands.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I’m not use to seeing Colin angry. I don’t really like it.

  “I am leaving in less than an hour to walk directly into a raid to try to help stop the distribution of heroin on a national level, and you decide that it would be in both of our interests for you to dump me? Do you think I need this right now?”

  The tears that have been welling in my eyes dry up as quickly as they appeared. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and my sadness has taken a backseat to my anger.

  "I'm so sorry that I couldn't fit my problems with our relationship into your plans a little better. But in my defense, up until last night I was under the impression that we would be together for the whole weekend. I'm sure that if Rob had barged in earlier in the day to let me know that a drug bust was going down during the middle of our vacation, I could have planned to freak out and end our relationship a little sooner."

  "You don't need to end our relationship at all." While Colin has lost a little bit of his edge, his frustration is still evident in his voice.

  "No. I don't want to do this anymore, Colin." My voice comes out stronger that I feel. "I don't want to wait around for you to have time for me. It's not fair to either of us."

  For several seconds Colin sits silently, his eyes wide. Finally, he scoots off the couch onto his knees so that he is right in front of me.

  “I need to help them today. Then I don’t have to think about it. We still have three more days here. Give us at least that. I know this was unexpected. And I should have told you. I know I should have told you. I was trying to make it work, but it was stupid. I screwed up. Just give me our time here. That’s all I am asking.”

  I look away from him, trying to collect my thoughts. He looks like a child asking for a puppy. It’s messing with my head.

  Can I give him three more days?

  I picture our game of Scrabble, the hot tub, the view of the woods, waking up in his arms.

  But I still have the sinking feeling in my chest from Rob’s announcement. My head still hurts from crying. And I can’t shake the feeling that this might be as good as it’s going to get- me waiting for him to take a break from being a superhero long enough to spend a little time with me, while the world get’s the largest piece of his heart.

  “I just, I don’t know, Colin. I don’t know.” I want to say more, but I have no idea what.

  Colin closes the distance between us, and lightly grabs my arms.

  “At least stay here until I get back. Then we can talk. You can give me that can’t you?”

  I take a deep breath and let it out. “Fine. I will be here when you get back.”

  He rests his forehead on mine for moment then whispers into my ear. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. Nothing’s changed.”

  “I know.” Then he takes me by surprise by kissing me gently on the lips. When I don’t immediately pull away he deepens the kiss. Which, of course I stop… after about five minutes. I know I shouldn’t be making out with him when I’m not sure if we should even be together, but I can’t help it. That boy can kiss. Seriously, his tongue should have a cape.

  I finally pull away from the kiss, feeling guilty for letting it go on as long as it did. “Colin, I…”

  “I know. It’s okay. I have to get ready to go.”

  I nod, then watch as he heads into the bathroom. Once I hear the shower turn on, I collapse on the couch. I don’t get it. Did Lois Lane ever have to deal with this mess?

  ------

  Colin has been gone for a couple hours, and I am nowhere near close to figuring anything out. I attempt to clear my head by going on a run through the woods. Even though I’ve been to his uncle’s house before, I’ve never run in these woods before. I end up lost and frustrated, which of course is Colin’s fault for not being here. I finally make it back to the cabin, hot, tired and in need of shower. But first, I decide to call Liz. I need to hear a friendly voice.

  As soon as she answers I start to cry.

  “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know, Liz. I am beyond figuring out any of this.”

  “It’s okay, Lucy. Start from the beginning.”

  “Colin…” I pause, trying to collect myself. “Colin brought me here, knowing that he was probably going to have to go check out a drug ring not far away. He’s there now.”

  Liz is quiet for a second. “Oh, Luce.”

  I know she understands. She might be the only one who really can.

  “I told him that I can’t do it anymore.”

  “You broke up?” Her voice is almost a whisper.

  “He wants to talk about it tonight. But who knows when he is going to be back. Late tonight I think.”

  “So you’re in his uncle’s cabin alone? What are you doing?”

  “Oh, you know...worrying, pondering, hanging out in the hot tub, stressing. All the usual things you do on a weekend getaway.”

  “Oh, Luce. If I didn’t love Colin like a brother, I think I’d have to kill him. This is ridiculous.”

  “Tell me about it. I thought this weekend was going to be different.”

  “I know you did. I thought so too. Do you have any idea what you’re going to do?”

  “I’m debating between burying him in the backyard, or dropping hi
m into the Hocking River.”

  “Oh, Hocking River for sure. Shoveling is hard work

  “I love you, Liz.”

  “I know you do, Luce. I love you too. I hate to leave you like this, but I'm meeting a couple friends from school for coffee. Are you going to be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. I just needed to hear your voice. Go see your people.”

  “Call me later. I need to know if I have to set you up with an alibi.”

  “Will do.” It feels good to know that no matter what happens, I have at least one person who always has my back.

  “Seriously, call me tonight. I need to know you're okay.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  Talking to Liz has lifted my mood some, but I am still at odds with myself.

  I decide to force myself to relax by soaking in the hot tub with a glass of wine. I close my eyes, and listen to the mix that was suppose to be our weekend soundtrack. The sounds of Cat Power singing “Sea of Love” invade the room while I do my best to unwind.

  As the song changes to “Hope For the Hopeless,” my mind

  wanders to a time when things were really good. Back before he starting using his ability to save the world, it was just the two of us.

  I remember how we would have races to see who was the fastest. In the beginning, I won every time. Eventually he started catching up to me, and the races were close. To make it fair, we started making our friends, a family member, even the occasional random passerby be the judge in case it was a photo finish.

  Colin constantly tried to get everyone to say that he finished first. And when they didn’t, he either accused them of being paid off by me, or he tried paying them off himself. I feigned frustration with him, and told people that he just couldn’t handle that I was better than him at everything.

  One day we decided to have a race on the street in front of my house. It was a Friday evening, and the spring like temperatures had brought people outside. Our neighbors gathered to watch us because Colin promised he was going to ‘bring it.’

  Annie was our judge, which she took very seriously. She made James record the event on his phone, so that we would have an instant replay if we needed it. She even put an app on his phone so that we could play it back in slow motion.