by Nicola Haken
The concern dulling his usually bright blue eyes made my chest ache, and in that moment I couldn’t have refused him anything.
“The day at the bus station. The day when you… kissed me… someone saw us. One of Jerry’s friends. When I got home he threw me against the wall and beat the living shit out of me.”
I shrugged, aiming for nonchalance but failing miserably. Even after all these years the memory still managed to make my stomach roll and my eyes damp.
“How badly did he hurt you?” Jake asked, shifting closer to me on the bed and curving his hand around the back of my neck. His touch… I’d never felt anything like it. It made my skin tingle, my heart rate quicken… I was comfortable with him. I felt safe with him. When I was with Jake, I was no longer famous. I wasn’t a star. I was just a man. A man who was possibly falling in love… and it was the most exhilarating, terrifying feeling in the world.
“Pretty bad. I was in the hospital for two weeks. He kicked me so hard he punctured one of my lungs.”
I winced at the memory. It’s as fresh and vivid in my mind as if it happened just this morning. ‘Dirty fucking queer’ he yelled at me, over and over again while he punched me. I fought back, of course I did. Landed a few bruises on him here and there but he was so much stronger than I was. I remember everything up until the point I heard my nose crack under the weight of his fist, then he must’ve knocked me out because my next memory is waking up in the hospital after being ‘jumped for my wallet’.
I screamed at him until the point he’d knocked all the air from my lungs. I denied it, blamed Jake. I told him I wasn’t queer and that the thought of it sickened me. I shouted it until my throat burned, said Jake forced himself on me and that I hated him for it. At the time, I did. At least I wanted to. I wasn’t gay – a poof, bender, shirt lifter, shit stabber… that wasn’t who I was. It’s only now I’m starting to wonder if maybe I was that person, I just didn’t want to be.
“Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry.” Jake’s arm was draped across my stomach and he snuck his hand under my back, squeezing me a little tighter. “I hope they locked that bastard up for long fucking time.”
“I didn’t report it,” I admitted, avoiding eye-contact with him.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I wanted to forget it!” I snapped unintentionally. I immediately felt guilty and softened my tone. “I didn’t want anyone to know what he saw. I was so… ashamed I suppose. My mum would’ve disowned me, my friends would’ve ripped the ever living piss out of me. I couldn’t talk to anyone. You were gone and I hated it. Then I hated that I hated it. I’ve never stopped thinking about you, Jake. Fuck knows I’ve tried, but since that day… I’ve just never felt ‘right’. I’ve got a life most people can only dream of yet I’ve always felt like something was missing. I never knew what that something was, until now.”
“Sawyer,” he breathed, leaning up to nibble my neck.
“Mmmhmm?”
“I need you to fuck me again.”
Without a second’s doubt, I gripped Jake’s shoulders and forced him onto his back. Rolling on top of his toned body, I brought my face to his, our noses touching.
“What the fuck are you doing to me?” I whispered hoarsely, then I crashed my lips to his, and made love to him until we were both numb.
When I started to stir, an arm draping over my hips startled me to full consciousness.
“Shit!” I exclaimed, making Jake jump to a sitting position. “It’s 4AM! I need to stop falling to sleep with you.”
I tried to throw a leg over the edge of the bed but Jake pulled me back.
“Calm down, Sawyer. When have you ever known any of the guys to be awake at this hour the morning of a show? I’m not saying it’s not time for you to leave, but let’s just take a moment, huh? Wake up together.”
“Hmm,” I sighed, pulling my leg back into the middle of the bed. “Ok. Just a few minutes though.”
I lay down back down on my side so we were face to face. He was so close I could feel his breath on my face. For the first time, I looked at him, getting lost in his eyes, and I allowed myself to admit something both to him, and myself.
“You’re really beautiful,” I said, raising my hand and stroking my fingers through his short, black hair. To admit that out loud was terrifying, yet it rolled off my tongue as if it was the most natural thing in the world to be so attracted to him.
“You think so?” He was wearing a teasing smile, staring back at me with the most hypnotic eyes I’d ever seen. Honestly, they were crystal blue. Flawless. Completely mesmerising.
I never stood a chance.
“Tell me how you feel about me, Sawyer. I’m not asking you to say you love me, I just need to know where you’re head’s at. If we’re heading towards the same goal.”
Wow. Serious much?
“I don’t know what my goal is,” I said honestly. “I haven’t let myself think that far ahead. Guess I’m still trying to get used to this first. To us.”
“And how’s that going?”
“I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wanting you, needing to touch you. You need to know I really care about you, Jake. I don’t know if that’s what love is, but I know I will never intentionally hurt you. I don’t ever plan to push you away again, but I also can’t promise I won’t. You’re the only person in the world who knows me absolutely. My whole life is an act, and I can be myself with you. You have no idea how liberating that feels.”
“That’ll do for now,” he whispered, leaning into me and brushing my lips with his.
“Listen, I’ve been thinking.”
“You sure that’s a good idea?”
“Funny,” I said, forcing sarcasm into my voice. “I own a house in the Lakes. It’s really secluded, far away from everything and everyone. I thought maybe you’d come and spend a week with me there before we need to head to LA. We’d have to think of an excuse. I don’t want anyone knowing I’m there, or especially that you’re there with me. And of course, if you don’t want to then, you know, that’s ok. It was just an idea. You know what, it was a stupid idea…”
“You finished rambling?” he teased, running his hand along my spine towards the base of my neck. “That sounds perfect. I can’t think of anything I want more than to wake up with you every morning.” I smiled, sighing with relief. “I kinda love how nervous I make you,” he added, massaging the back of my neck as he encouraged my head forward until our noses were touching.
“I never knew you were such a sadist.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, baby. We need to change that.”
I continued staring at him, studying his face, when a random thought popped into my mind.
“You know, you kinda look a bit like Justin Bieber.”
“What the fuck?” Jake yanked his head back, screwing his face up in what could’ve been either confusion or disgust. I guessed probably both. “Justin Bieber is what? Twelve?”
“Ok, his dad then.”
“Have you been smoking weed?”
“I’m serious! Obviously you’re older and have darker hair, but if you squint your eyes a little, there’s just something there that reminds me of him.”
“So you think Justin Bieber’s attractive?”
“Fuck no! You’re hardly his fucking double. I just meant, some of the expressions you do kinda remind me of him. You’re like his much sexier, much smarter, much older uncle.”
“Jesus, I’m twenty-eight. You make me sound ancient.”
“Sorry, Beebs. Didn’t mean to make you feel old,” I joked, playfully punching his arm.
“Beebs? Seriously? How the hell did we go from a deep and meaningful conversation to this?” He rolled his eyes at me, but then met me with a dazzling smile. “It feels like a dream, being here with you,” he continued, his face smoothing into a serious expression.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about how I treated you that day. I’ve never forgotten it, and I’ve
always regretted it.”
“We were just kids, Sawyer. I was leaving anyway, no point in going over old ground.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“You can make it up to me,” he whispered suggestively, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh yeah? And how could I do that?”
“Let me show you.”
Pressing his lips to mine, he slipped his tongue into my mouth while gently tugging at my hair. My body automatically arched, pushing my cock against his. He was hard, like me, and I ground myself against him before slipping my hand between us and gripping both of our erections in one hand.
Then, I made it up to him.
“Yo Sawyer! You in there, buddy?” Kip’s voice bellowed through the door, accompanied by knocking.
I was back in my own suite after leaving Jake’s around 5:30AM. I snuck back into my room, showered and changed for the day. I thought about going back to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes all I could see was the image of Jake writhing beneath me on his bed. Needless to say, that sparked an instant hard-on, but if my dick had any more friction in one night I probably would’ve gotten freakin’ blisters. So I distracted myself by packing up my small case, then, draping a damp towel over my head I hovered my face over a bowl of hot water, breathing in the steam and loosening my vocal cords ready for tonight’s show.
“One sec!” I hollered, making my way to the door.
“Claire rang you yet?”
“Um, no. Why?” Kip walked straight past me and plopped himself down on one of the couches.
“She wants us all downstairs in twenty. She had her serious voice on. My money’s on Matt getting some chick up the duff.”
“Fuck,” I mumbled. “That doesn’t sound good. It’s bound to be something to do with him. Always is. Stupid fucker.”
“Hey, grab us a bottle of water from the fridge will you?”
“Fuckin’ warned you, dude. We’ve been in this game ten years and you’ve not learned not to get shitfaced the night before a show.”
“Yeah, yeah. Just get us the damn water huh, Dad?”
After grabbing two bottles of water, I joined Kip on the couch. I relaxed into the soft leather and popped my feet up on the coffee table.
“Hey, mate… is everything okay with you lately?” In a nanosecond, the atmosphere turned so thick and serious I almost choked on it. “You’ve been kind of… off.”
“Sure. I’m fine,” I shrugged, aiming for indifference.
“Come on, mate, we’ve been friends forever. I know when something’s going on with you. I’ve been thinking it’s a chick, but then I reckon I’d know. We live in each other’s pockets. I’d have seen her.”
“Kip, there’s nothing wrong with me. Jesus!” I snapped, and then I became even more frustrated with myself. I should’ve just laughed it off, that’s what I’d have done if there was in fact nothing wrong with me.
“Hey, chill the fuck out. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. It’s a woman isn’t it? Just tell me. You know it won’t go any further.”
“Fine! It’s a woman, okay? Now just fucking drop it.”
I knew the second I’d said it I’d fucked up. But surely I could just spin the lie out for a couple of weeks and then ‘break up’ with ‘her’.
“Who is it?”
“No one you know.”
“Bullshit! We’ve been on the road for months. You couldn’t have kept her hidden from us.” Yeah, I’d definitely fucked up. “Holy shit, it’s Laurelin isn’t it?”
“What? Hell no!”
“Oh fuck me, please don’t tell me it’s Claire?” he pressed, wrinkling his nose in disgust. “Mate, she’s practically our fucking mother!”
“Of course it’s not Claire. Stop being such a dick.”
“Then who the hell is it?”
“Elle!” Shit. “Happy now?”
It was the first name that came into my head, and now I had officially, wholeheartedly and irrevocably… fucked the hell up beyond repair. Or had I? Elle would go along with it. She’s my best friend. If I just explained to her what’d been going on, she’d have my back. Actually, this might turn out to be a pretty good plan.
“Hey, where you going?” Kip jumped up suddenly, making his way to the door.
“We’re wanted downstairs, remember?” And with that, he opened the door and left, slamming it behind him.
“Guess I’ll see you down there,” I said to the empty room. What the hell did I do to piss him off?
After chugging down my bottle of water in one, I dragged my shoes on and headed out. Neil was waiting for me by the lift and together we made our way downstairs to one of the smaller conference rooms where Claire was apparently waiting for us. We were the last to arrive and the first person I noticed when we entered the room was Jake. I allowed myself a quick glance up and down his body, admiring how fucking hot he looked in one of those black suits he always wears and trying not to imagine them lying on the floor next to him. The second person to catch my eye was our manager, Philip. If Phil was here, something was seriously wrong.
“Ok, now we’re all here,” Matt began, rubbing his hands together. “Let’s get this party started.”
Hmm, well Matt seemed to be his usual twat of a self. That ruled out this meeting being about him.
“Ok, guys, something potentially serious is going on,” Claire said, followed by a heavy sigh. “We’ve been receiving some threats. Most likely some kind of stupid prank, but you need to be aware of what’s going on.”
“What kind of threats?” Gavin piped up.
“Death threats,” Jake said firmly, taking over the conversation.
“Jake,” Claire interrupted. By the way she shook her head I suspected she didn’t want us to know the full extent of whatever the hell was going on.
“They need to know, Claire.” Turning his attention to us, he continued. “It began a few months ago. At first it was a few letters. In my opinion the efforts of an amateur. They started out quite cryptic, but now they’re making it pretty clear what they mean. Before the show yesterday we found a dead cat in Sawyer’s room with a note attached to it.”
“Holy fuck!” Daz said. “What do they want?”
“They’ve not said. It’s likely nothing, you know things like this come with the territory,” Jake tried to assure. I’m sure it worked for the rest of the group, but I knew his eyes, and the way they were drawn down slightly told me this was a real concern for him. “The police are aware of the situation and we’re interviewing additional security recruits when we arrive in LA.”
“Fuck ‘em,” I said. “It’s probably just some stupid kid.”
“I thought the same, until it became apparent they have access to your itinerary. They’ve been sending these letters to places you’re scheduled to stay that only yourselves, appointed staff and security would know about. As yet, we haven’t worked out how they know that information, and discovering that is my first priority.”
“Look guys,” Phil interjected, causally waving his hand. “We don’t want you worrying about this. You should know what’s going on, that’s all. You have a great team behind you. Nothing’s going to happen.”
“I agree.” And I really did. I trusted our security team undoubtedly. “I don’t know about you guys but I’m not gonna give this shit another thought.”
“So can we go back to bed now?” Matt groaned, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. “I’m fucking beat.”
“Yes, I suppose so,” Claire said. “What about you, Kip? Do you have anything to say?”
“No,” he bit. He’d been silent with his arms folded across his chest the whole time. What was with him?
“I’m outta here.” Matt was the first to get up from the table, closely followed by Pete. Eventually we all followed suit, Jake and I purposely keeping distance from each other, and then I headed back to my suite to get ready for tonight.
We’d been sitting backstage in the arena for almost an hour waiting for
Elle to arrive. She was never late, and it worried me. I tried calling and got voicemail which only made it worse.
“Sorry sorry sorry!” she called, rushing into my dressing room where we were all waiting for her. A young guy trailed behind her, pulling a suitcase behind him. He was young, early twenties max, he had hand and neck tattoos and tapers in both ears. “I had to pick Ryder up from the station, take him to the hotel so he could sign the NDA Claire had drawn up and then my phone died. So guys, this is Ryder,” she announced, gesturing her hand towards him. “He’s my junior stylist and I’m bringing him along on the rest of the tour. I’ve cleared it with Phil and Claire.”
We all greeted him with a mix of hey’s, hi’s and a ‘wassup’ from Matt. He came to each of us, briefly shaking each of our hands.
“It’s great to meet all of you,” he said with a wide smile. “Massive fan.”
“Thanks,” I replied, wondering why Elle hadn’t mentioned him before.
“Guess we’d best get cracking,” Elle said, bending down to the case Ryder had brought and pulling out her styling gear. “Ryder, you’re with Sawyer and I’ll get started on the other guys in another room.” Great, so I was getting landed with the new kid. “There’s no way you’re ready to spend any time alone with Matt yet.”
“Hey!” Matt piped up. “You know girls only diss guys when they secretly want to chow down on their man-meat.”
“Maybe when I was fourteen, dickwad.”
Soon enough, the room cleared, leaving me alone with Ryder.
“So,” he began, standing behind me and making eye-contact in the large mirror I was sitting in front of. He had a deep, smooth voice. The judgemental side of me assumed he would talk like a prissy, what with him being a hairdresser. “How do you want it?”
“I don’t care,” I said. “Elle just tends to do whatever the hell she wants with it.”
“Got it,” he said, blowing out a short laugh, clearly understanding that you don’t really say no to Elle.
“So how long have you worked for Elle?” I asked while he combed and tugged at bits of my hair.
