Being Sawyer Knight

by Nicola Haken

  “Wait up, Saw!” Neil called after me as I charged towards the exit. I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. I needed out of this hellhole. I needed air, I couldn’t breathe.

  The second fresh air hit my face I filled my lungs, sucking deep as I doubled over, bracing my hands on my knees.

  “What happened?” Jake’s voice startled me. I’d forgotten he was waiting for me in reception and I realised I must’ve sped straight past him. “Sawyer, look at me,” he encouraged, gently pulling on my arm. I straightened my back and looked him in the eye, instantly feeling calmer. “You okay, babe?”

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “Yeah I just… hell, I don’t know. It was weird seeing him again I guess. But you were right, the whole thing was pointless.”

  “But you’ve been, and it’s over. You don’t have to wonder ‘what if’ anymore. No regrets?”

  “I’m not sure yet. I just want to go home, Jake. I’ll think about it later.”

  Cocking his head, Jake led me back to the car. We climbed inside, and as soon as he closed the door behind him, he leaned across the back seat, taking me in his arms.

  “I’m so proud of you,” he whispered in my ear, cradling my body against his.

  “Proud of me?” I questioned, pulling back so I could see his face but keeping hold of his arms. “For what? Letting you get shot for me?”

  “I’m not talking about that, babe. I mean this,” he said, motioning his hand over us. “We’re in a car, in public, and you’re letting me hold you. I know you weren’t ready for this yet, it was thrust upon you, but still you’re doing it. You’re embracing it, and for that, I’m proud of you.”

  For a few minutes we did nothing but hold each other. We didn’t talk, or kiss, we just…were. It didn’t last nearly as long as I’d have liked however. Neil came strolling back to the car, pausing outside while he talked on his phone.

  “Hey, Jake?” I asked quietly.

  “Um hmm?”

  “Did the hospital say how long it would be until you could, you know, do stuff?”

  “What kind of ‘stuff’, Sawyer?” he probed mischievously, grinning devilishly at me.

  “I think you know what kind of stuff.”

  “Are you saying you want to fuck me, baby?”

  “God yes,” I breathed, my dick bulging just from the thought. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  “I’m sure if you’re gentle with me, we’ll be just fine.” He winked and my heart pounded in my chest, working hard to pump the blood that was rushing straight to my cock.

  “You guys ready?” Neil opened the door, slipping inside the car and snapping me back into the real world.

  “Sure,” I said, wondering if my face gave away how flustered I was. “Tell Claire I’ll catch up with her in the morning. I don’t want to be disturbed tonight.”

  “Too much fucking info, man.”

  “No I didn’t mean… I mean… oh fuck it, yeah that’s just what I meant.”

  Jake laughed, such a sweet sound and one I hadn’t heard nearly enough, but then pressed a palm to his chest.

  “Shit, laughing hurts.”

  Good job everything I had in store for him tonight didn’t involve any laughing whatsoever.

  When we got back to the hotel I called Elle and filled her in about my pretty uneventful visit to the prison. She was staying in our hotel too, sharing with Kip, but honestly I really didn’t feel up to seeing anyone.

  Except Jake of course.

  We showered together, taking our time, washing and caressing each other’s bodies. The hospital gave him some waterproof patches to apply over his dressing, but I was still careful to try and avoid that area. I turned him so his back was against my chest, tilting his head back while I washed his hair. After rinsing the shampoo off, I dotted tiny kisses along his neck, pressing my erection up against his ass.

  “I think we’re clean enough,” I whispered, taking hold of his hand. We stepped out of the shower together, only letting our hands fall apart to dry ourselves off with towels. When we’d finished, I tossed mine to the floor, but of course Jake folded his and tucked it neatly over the heated rail.

  Naked and still slightly damp, we made our way into the bedroom, and I kept a foot behind so I could admire the way his ass flexes when he walks. Jake lay down on the bed, gingerly rolling onto his back. I crawled up beside him, positioning one of my knees between his parted legs.

  “Fuck I’ve missed you,” I told him, bending down and kissing around the edges of his dressing. “Does it hurt?” I asked, immediately feeling like a moron. “Of course it does,” I muttered, smiling up at him.

  “It’s actually not too bad. I actually thought getting shot would hurt a hell of a lot more.”

  “What about… when it happened?” I pressed nervously, unsure whether bringing it back to the forefront of his mind was a good idea.

  “Honestly, I didn’t feel it. I felt pressure… intense pressure, but before I could feel any pain my senses started shutting down. The only thing I really remember is searching for you.”

  “I was right there,” I assured him. My chest ached, throbbing with hurt, and also pride for him. “I was right by your side the whole time.”

  I kissed my way up along his chest, softly licking the grooves between his muscles. I paused at his neck, taking a little extra time kissing him there, knowing his head would angle to the side and soft moans would escape his throat. When I reached his lips, I dipped my tongue into his mouth and curled my fingers around his cock. He was always so hard for me, so ready. It twitched from my touch, begging me to explore.

  I moved my fist up and down, smearing the pre-cum over his sensitive tip with my thumb. His hips bucked, thrusting himself further into my hand. I lowered my body, brushing my dick up against his torso, needing the friction.

  “I won’t fuck you yet, Jake.” His eyes widened, weighing me up sceptically. “I’m going to make love to you. I need this slow, and gentle. I need to feel you, savour you.”

  “Then do it, Sawyer. Make love to me.”

  I moved myself further down the bed, crawling between his legs. He widened them instinctively, giving me access to his perfect ass. Burying my fingers between the crevice of his cheeks, I parted them, lowering my head and teasing his hole with my tongue.

  “Fuck, that feels good,” he groaned, arching his hips. Encouraged, I kept swirling my tongue around the puckered rim before entering him. The noises coming from his mouth turned me the hell on as I fucked him with my tongue, reaching up to caress his balls with my fingers. “Fuck, yes,” he hissed, as this time I inserted one, then two fingers into his ass. I pumped them in and out, pleasuring him, stretching him.

  “I love fucking you with my fingers.”

  Slowly, I licked my way up to his balls, drawing them into my mouth and releasing them with a pop before tracing the veins on his dick with my tongue. His whole body jerked when I took his rigid length to the back of my throat. Keeping my mouth moist, I worked my lips up and down his shaft, twirling my tongue over the broad head, moaning at the delicious, salty taste of him.

  “I want to suck you, baby,” he said, fisting his hands in my hair.

  “No,” I said softly. “You need to take it easy.”

  “I won’t break, Sawyer. I need to taste you.”

  “Later,” I said simply, crawling up onto my knees. Reaching across to the nightstand I opened the drawer, only to want to punch myself in the fucking head when I did so. “Shit. We’re out of condoms.”

  “I’m clean, baby. I swear to you I’ve never been with anyone without protection,” Jake assured.

  “Neither have I,” I confirmed. “And I get tested regularly.” I regretted that comment the second it spilled from my mouth. I might as well have just said, ‘yeah I used to fuck around a lot with random groupies so I always made sure I was clean’.

  “Lose the guilt, Sawyer.” I looked up at him, confused. “I can see it in you, feel it in here,” he added, holding his palm to his che
st. “I know about your past. Shit, most of the damn world knows about it. But I don’t care. I don’t care who you’ve been with, only who you’re going to be with in the future.”

  “You,” I breathed. “Only ever you.” I’d never spoken truer words in my life. There is no one else for me. Ever. There never has been, I was just too much of a pussy to confront it.

  “Then grab the lube and make love to me. I need to feel you, baby. Skin to skin.”

  Fuck, if those words didn’t make me harder than steel. I took my time, squeezing a generous amount of lube onto my palm and smoothing it up and down my cock. Dipping my fingers into his ass, I massaged him with the lube, working it in and around his tight hole, driving him crazy.

  “Now, Sawyer. I need you inside me.”

  I shuffled onto my knees, spreading my legs slightly apart to steady myself. Positioning my cock at his entrance, I folded myself over onto his body, careful not to apply too much pressure to his wounded chest.

  “Kiss me,” I whimpered. “I want to taste your mouth when I enter you.”

  Crashing his lips to mine and pulling my head closer to him with his hand at the back of my neck, he kissed me hard. The way our tongues tangoed together was like a dance of pure passion and need. Reaching between us, I gripped my cock, guiding it into his ass. Oh mother of fuck… being so bare, so close to him… I had never experienced something so intense, so powerful.

  “Oooooh, fuuuuuck,” he choked out.

  “You like that?” I teased against his lips, sliding back and forth torturously slowly. “You like my dick in your ass?”

  “Yes,” he groaned. “Move faster, baby.”

  I wound my arm around the back of his neck, using his strength to support my weight as I thrust in and out of his body. A light sheen of sweat dusted my skin as I picked up my pace. We continued to kiss, moaning and whispering into each other’s mouths as I made love to him. I was slow and gentle as promised, only gradually increasing my speed.

  “Please, Sawyer,” he begged. “Harder.”

  “Not yet.”

  I wasn’t ready for this to be over yet. I was enjoying it, enjoying him, too much. Jake’s legs wrapped around my waist, hooking together by his ankles as I continued to slide into him. I went deeper with each thrust, the pleasure radiating up my spine and making my heart beat faster.

  I kissed him once more before straightening myself up, resting back on my heels so I could admire his weeping cock. Reaching out, I took it in my hand, sliding my fingers up and down. Pre-cum wept from the tip, seeping down his impressive erection and making it glisten under the ceiling lights.

  “Now, Jake. Now I’m going to fuck you.”

  I didn’t give him a chance to respond before I started pounding his ass fast and hard. Keeping a firm grip on his cock, I jacked him off, keeping my eyes on his the entire time.

  “I’m gonna, holy shit, baby, I’m… I’m coming already!” he said through gritted teeth. His ass clenched around my dick as he shot his load all over his stomach. I continued to milk him while my own orgasm took hold. Feeling his ass contract around me made my head spin and my balls tighten.

  “Fuck, fuck…ah, fuuuuuck!” My dick jerked as I poured myself inside him, giving him all of me, and I collapsed onto him, falling off centre to avoid his bandage. “That was…”

  “Incredible.”

  “Intense.”

  “Thank you, Sawyer.”

  “For fucking you?”

  “For completing me.”

  God, I love this man, and in that moment I silently vowed to spend the rest of my life making up for all the years we missed out on.

  “You complete me too. You’re my best friend, my lover, and the person who saved my life in every way imaginable. I love you, Jake. And just like the night you were shot, I will always be right by your side.”

  Epilogue

  Three weeks later…

  I woke up at 5AM with the motherfucker of all headaches, most likely due to the fact I’d been lying awake all night fretting about my appearance on the Levi Davidson show later today. Ryder’s shadow startled me when I entered the kitchen, dressed in only my boxers. He’s been staying at my place, given it’s close the Back Door studio, and because he doesn’t have anywhere else yet. I don’t mind him staying with us. He’s a good kid who has quickly become one of my best friends. Plus, I only spend part of the year in LA anyway so for the most part, he’ll have the place to himself.

  “Sorry, mate,” he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes when I flipped the ceiling lights on. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “You didn’t. Couldn’t sleep.”

  “Nervous about the show today?”

  “Yeah, I guess.” I reached up to the cabinet, opening the glossy black cupboard and grabbing a glass from inside. I popped in two dissolvable aspirin that I picked up from the bathroom on way in here before topping the glass up with water. “So how was the party?”

  Gavin finally proposed to his girlfriend last week. They’ve been solid for years, he’s talked about marriage before but when it came to doing anything about it he chickened out. It’s kinda weird really, what with Matt still being in love after a whole month, Daz having a kid, Gavin getting hitched, Kip getting serious with Elle, and me ready to pledge the rest of my life to Jake, it’s like we’re all finally growing up.

  Last night the guys went out to celebrate all of our recent announcements. They understood me passing up, knowing I wanted to get my head in the game for today’s interview, and also that Jake was still having to take it easy. He’s kind of still my unofficial bodyguard, seeing as he accompanies me everywhere. But I won’t allow him to let it become his job again. We’ve not decided where we go from here regarding his career, but he’s coming around to the idea of working for some other side of the business.

  “Fuckin’ mental,” Ryder said, smiling as he shook his head. “Matt got his dick out as usual.”

  I swirled the tablets around in the glass, watching them fizz and dissolve.

  “Hey, Saw?” Ryder said nervously. “You’re not pissed at me are you?”

  We had a bit of a spat last night when I caught him smoking pot in the house. I’m not against that shit if that’s what you’re into, I just don’t want it stinking my condo out.

  “Look, I overreacted last night, Ry. I shouldn’t have yelled the way I did. You know it doesn’t bother me what you do. Just not in the house, ‘kay?”

  “Got it. I’m still sorry. You know I really appreciate you letting me stay here.”

  “I know you do, man. Let’s just forget last night.” Ryder nodded, his slightly hunched postured suggesting he still felt uneasy. “I’m heading back to bed,” I announced, sipping my aspirin as I walked.

  “Sure. Say mornin’ to Jake for me.”

  That made me smile as I made my way back to the bedroom. Back to Jake, who was in my bed. I can’t understand now how I ever thought keeping him hidden was for the best. I don’t think, fuck that, I know, I have never been so happy. So content.

  “Hey,” Jake mumbled sleepily when I crawled in beside him. “What were you doing up.” He turned over to face me, yawning groggily.

  “Couldn’t sleep,” I replied, resting my hand on his hip. “Headache.”

  “You’ve done a thousand interviews, Sawyer,” he tried to soothe.

  “Yeah, and I’ve hated every single one of them.”

  “That’s because you’ve always had to lie. Today you get to be yourself, babe. Embrace it. Show the world who Sawyer Knight really is.”

  “Truth is, I’m not even sure who Sawyer Knight is anymore.”

  “What do you mean” he asked, apprehension forcing his eyebrows together. “You’re not having regrets?”

  “No,” I answered quickly. “Not about us if that’s what you’re thinking. I just… I’m tired, Jake. This life – being on parade all the damn time, having things expected of me. I keep thinking back to when we were in The Lakes. It was so peaceful, so quiet. We c
ould do what we wanted, when we wanted. Just us. You and me. I want that for us, Jake.”

  “Are you saying you want to leave the band?”

  “I don’t know what I’m saying. I just know I want more than this. Or less, depending on how you see it.”

  “Sawyer,” he breathed, reaching over and cupping my face in his palm. “Music is your whole life. It always has been.”

  “No, Jake. Music was my whole life. Now I have you.”

  “I wouldn’t be able to count the amount of times I used to dream of you saying those words to me,” he admitted, shuffling closer, torso to torso. “Sometimes I have to look twice because I can’t believe you’re really here, that you’re really mine.”

  “I’ll be yours for the rest of forever, Jake.”

  “How’s your headache?”

  “Um, easing off a little.”

  “Good. Because I’m going to fuck you now.” Smiling, I willingly rolled onto my back, laughing as he pounced on top of me. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” were the last words he said, before devouring every inch of my body.

  By the time morning rolled fully around, I just couldn’t think straight. I didn’t even know what I planned to say, but I called an emergency meeting with Claire and the guys anyway. They turned up at my house just after midday, looking like death reheated.

  “This better be good, Saw,” Matt complained. “I feel like shit, I should be in fucking bed.”

  “Is this to do with what happened in Australia?” Claire asked. “Have the police been in touch?”

  “No, not since Thursday.”

  Jerry tried to apply for extradition to the UK but was refused. He committed the crime in Australia and he will pay the price for it there too. Laurelin however, has been sent back to the UK to stand trial for conspiracy to murder. I haven’t seen nor spoken to her and I don’t plan to. After seeing Jerry, I realised I don’t need answers anymore. There aren’t any that I would understand or accept, so what’s the point?

  “Guys…” I trailed off, sinking back into the white leather couch. “I’m not even sure what it is I want to say here.”