by Dinah Harper
A tear trickled out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t understand him, didn’t know what drove him to do the things he did, but he had dragged her under with him and she couldn’t see the light. He forced her to partake in his salacious fantasies and she would never be the same. He was right. She liked it rough and dirty. None of the men she dated could give her what she needed. None of them came close and when she nudged them towards the dark pool she wanted them to swim in, they backed away after dipping a toe in the water. Jesse changed her and she hated the person she had become. She was afraid to let anyone close because she didn’t want them to see the real her. Ever since him, she hadn’t felt right. Nothing assuaged the restlessness within her. She wanted routine and stability, yet she wanted to follow her impulses and roam. She wanted to be around her friends and yet when she was in a crowd, perversely she wished she was alone. She was never satisfied and constantly craving something she couldn’t define and was out of focus.
Her vision blurred as she stared out the window at the passing scenery. She was in line with the vent that blew out icy air and turned her face numb. Good. If only the air conditioning had the same effect on her emotions. She would rather feel nothing than have her insides churn and riot. There was only one escape open to her, so she took it. She closed her eyes and tried to take refuge in sleep.
Seven
Eight Years Ago
She knocked on the door leading into Jesse’s room from the bathroom. She cracked it open and saw him sitting up in bed with a book. He frowned at her, but she ignored that and hopped onto his bed.
“They’re fighting again,” she said miserably.
“I noticed.”
“I hate it.”
“It’ll blow over.”
She leaned into him and buried her face in his shirt as the shouting got louder. “What if they break up?”
“They won’t.”
He didn’t sound concerned in the least.
“How can you be so sure?”
“My parents used to fight all the time.”
“But, don’t they love each other?” She twisted the ends of her shirt, a habit Lynne hated because it stretched out all her clothes.
“People who love each other can still fight.”
“We don’t fight!”
His brows shot up. “Didn’t we fight two days ago at the movie theater?”
She scowled. “You wanted to watch a war movie. Why would you do that when the new Harry Potter movie came out? And we don’t fight like that.”
She jabbed her finger at the door. Even though their parent’s room was down the hall and all the doors were closed, she could hear every word being said. It wasn’t pretty. They were having money problems again. Lynne and Dad rarely fought but when they did, it felt like World War III.
Jesse shrugged. “Fighting isn’t bad. It gets your feelings out.”
She shuddered. “I hate it.”
“It’ll pass.”
“It’s been going on for half an hour.” She flinched when she heard something crash. “Why does she do that?”
“She wants a reaction out of him,” he said mildly as he turned the page.
Desperate for a distraction, she peeked at his book. “What are you reading?”
“It’s about a sniper.”
She made a face. “You aren’t really going into the military, are you?”
His eyes moved from the book to her. “Why not?”
“What about me?”
“What about you?”
Her eyes bugged. “You’re going to leave me?”
“Mom and dad are here.”
“But, we do everything together. I think we should go to the same college. That would be fun, wouldn’t it? What am I going to do without you?”
His eyes moved over her upturned face. She didn’t know what he was thinking, but he put his arm around her and tucked her close. She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. He always smelled nice. Her friends thought he was a hottie. She liked his face, but she didn’t allow herself to look deeper than that. Jesse was Jesse.
The fight continued, but she found she could handle it now that she was weathering the storm with her brother who wasn’t concerned in the least. He played with her hair as he read, which had a drugging effect on her. When she slumped against him, he told her to stretch out. She did so and tucked her face against his thigh. His hand returned to her hair and she fell asleep knowing that everything was going to be okay.
She roused slightly when she heard, “Jesse?”
“Shh, she’s asleep.”
Soft footsteps and then, “Why’s she in here?”
“You know she freaks out when you two fight.”
“Sorry. Here, let me take her.”
“She’s fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
She heard Lynne kiss his cheek. “You’re such a good big brother.”
“Did you guys settle your stuff?” Jesse asked.
“Yes. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”
“I’m fine, but maybe next time give me a head’s up so I can take her out before you start breaking things.”
“I’ll do that,” Lynne said. “Isaac’s the opposite of your father. He doesn’t tell me how he feels and shuts down instead of talking to me. I have to take drastic measures to make him open up.”
“I hope you didn’t break anything valuable.”
“No, I stopped at Goodwill a week ago to buy things for this showdown. Everything’s fine now. Good night, son. Don’t stay up too late.”
Lynne left the room and closed the door behind her. Violet listened to the sound of pages being turned and was on the verge of sleep when she heard the soft thump of the book being put on the nightstand and then Jesse stretched out beside her. He gathered her against his chest. Her body hummed with contentment as he buried his face in her hair and took a deep breath.
“Jesse?”
He stiffened. “Yeah?”
“Promise you won’t leave me.”
He sighed into her hair. “Vi.”
She twisted her hand in his shirt. “We should stick together.”
“I don’t—”
She tilted her head back so she could see his shadowed face. “You love me, don’t you?”
He stared at her, eyes unreadable in the dim light.
She thumped his chest. “Hello!”
“Yeah,” he said as he ran a hand down her spine.
“Yeah, what?” she pushed.
He sighed. “I love you.”
“And I love you.” She pressed as close as possible. “We’re supposed to stay together, a unit, don’t you think? You know I have abandonment issues.”
“Go to sleep, Vi,” he said, voice thick with amusement.
“Don’t laugh at my abandonment issues!”
“I’m not.”
“You are! You’re not taking me seriously—”
His thumb brushed over her lips. “Hush.”
“You better not leave me,” she growled.
“Sleep,” he murmured.
His fingers tunneled through her hair and massaged, easing her into sweet, dreamless slumber.
Eight
She woke in mid-fall. She let out a stifled shriek and flailed before she collided against something hard and unyielding.
“I got you.”
She blinked up at Jesse as he toted her across a badly lit parking lot. “Wus happenin’?” she slurred as she tried to get her bearings.
“Got a room.”
She started. “What?”
“It’s midnight. We’ll crash here for a couple hours and finish the drive tomorrow.”
“I can drive,” she offered and tried to clear the cobwebs from her cloudy mind.
“No, you can’t,” he said as he shouldered through a door and dumped her on the bed. “I’m gonna get our bags.”
“But, I can—”
He slammed the door behind him. She sat there, dizz
y and exhausted despite her catnaps. Throughout the day, she slipped in and out of consciousness. It was awful to wake every hour and realize they were still on the road. She glanced around the room, which seemed worn, but clean. As she stared dazedly at the blank TV, the door opened and Jesse came in with his pack and her duffel. He set both on the floor before he locked the door and fell face down on the bed.
“Are you okay?” she asked belatedly.
He grunted. “Falling asleep at the wheel. Lots of animals on the road. Not worth it. Need sleep.”
Resting for the night was logical, but it extended their time together. She eyed his unmoving form for a minute before she heard deep, even breathing. He was clearly exhausted and no wonder. They left Salt Lake City around six in the morning. He had been driving for eighteen hours. She grabbed her phone and sat in a chair by the window. According to her phone, they were in Texas, and about five hours from home. That wasn’t too bad. She messaged her friends and parents and sent them their location even though they were probably asleep. Tomorrow, it would be over. They would be around friends and family and she was going to do her best to avoid Jesse and his psychotic episodes.
She grabbed her duffel and went into the bathroom. She showered, brushed her teeth, and smeared lotion over her dry skin. She leaned toward the mirror and examined the bite on her neck. He hadn’t broken the skin, but it was red and swollen. What the fuck was wrong with him? Her ear was fine, but there was a dark smudge on her breast from his rough handling and she was sore and achy. Her eyes were bloodshot, hair a frizzy mess, and she was trembling. It could be because she had been eating junk food all day, hadn’t had a real meal, stress, or emotional overload. Maybe it was all those things combined.
It was one in the morning, which made six days since she had come home to Austin and discovered Lynne’s diagnosis and come face to face with Jesse. A week ago, she was unemployed and searching for living options. That seemed like a piece of cake compared to what she was dealing with now.
She stared at her reflection, eyes glassy, jaw set. On the outside she looked unhappy and a touch pissed. She was, but beneath the surface, she was spiraling. If she was a different kind of person, she may have shot Jesse with one of the guns her father kept in the safe. If she was a different kind of person maybe she would have overcome her nightmarish teenage years and made something of herself—become a guidance counselor and helped others with their trauma and replaced the bad with good. Instead, she was this…
You dropped out of school, can’t keep a job, and bang anyone who catches your eye.
She looked away from her reflection as her eyes stung with tears. Fuck. When her hand brushed against the sink, her mind began to replay their encounter today. Even as she stood there, she could feel the imprint of the tiles against her back and the strength of the man holding her still as he fucked her. She screwed her eyes shut, planted her hands on the counter, and bit back a moan as her pussy spasmed. Self-loathing cascaded through her. She sank to her knees with her hands over her head. She climaxed. Every. Fucking. Time. It was no wonder he didn’t stop. Her mouth said one thing while her body did another. She was fucked up. She wasn’t supposed to respond to him, but she did.
When the urge to vomit had passed, she rose, using the counter to brace herself. She felt sick and had sea legs. She popped vitamins and guzzled water before she emerged from the bathroom. She paused at the foot of the king-sized bed and listened to his heavy breathing. Out like a light, just the way she liked him. Another annoying thing about Jesse—he could sleep anytime, anywhere. He dropped off easily while she spent hours trying to shut off her mind. His lack of conscience probably helped him a lot in that department. Fucker.
There was no way in hell she was going to sleep in that bed with him. Her only choices were the chairs by the window or the discolored carpet. She could only imagine how filthy the floor was. She turned both chairs towards each other so she could prop her legs up and make an awkward nest. It was extremely uncomfortable, but it was only for one night. Tomorrow, she would be home. She repeated that to herself as she shifted restlessly, trying to find a position that didn’t hurt.
She listened to the cars coming and going and pulled back the curtain to look outside. She spotted their massive moving truck on the far side of the parking lot with her Jeep still on the trailer. Although she would never admit it to him, she knew there was no way in hell she could have done this on her own. She resented that he barged in uninvited, but he treated her move as if it was his own and footed the bill for the airline tickets, rental truck, fuel, and now a motel room. Her feelings for him were a complicated mix of begrudging gratitude, fury, resentment, and embarrassment. Her eyes moved to him. He hadn’t bothered to take off his boots. She intended to drive part of the way, but between the size of the truck and trailer and that pit stop fuck, she decided to let him handle it and he had without complaint.
Her mind swung from one thing to the next, keeping her awake when she so desperately needed sleep. She dozed and kept looking at the window, expecting to see the first hint of sunlight through the curtains.
She woke in mid-lift. “Wha—?”
“You’re a pain in the ass,” Jesse growled as he carried her to the bed.
She struck out and hit something. He cursed and dropped her on the mattress, which wasn’t as soft as it looked. She lost her breath and tried to roll away, but she wasn’t fully awake and ended up in the middle of the bed.
“You hit my fucking ear,” he growled before he launched himself at her.
“Jesse, no!”
Her hands were knocked to the side as he slumped half on top of her, pinning her beneath his bulk. His hairy leg slid over her smooth ones and the fog cleared enough for her to realize that he had removed almost all of his clothes aside from his briefs.
“Jesse—”
“Hush,” he said roughly as he pulled her more securely against him and buried his face on the pillow beside her. “I need sleep.”
“I don’t want to sleep with you!”
“Too bad.”
She slapped his side, but that didn’t get a reaction from him. She stared at the ceiling. It was still dark out. The only source of light came from the bathroom, which he must have used before he noticed she was on the chair.
“Get off me,” she said.
His hand stroked down her side. “Go to sleep.”
“I was!”
“We’ll sleep better like this.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t want you touching me?” she hissed.
“Relax.”
His words were slurred from fatigue. Clearly, he wasn’t in any state to do anything sexual.
“Can you move over? Why are you on me?”
“Like it,” he said and inhaled deep. “You smell like home.”
“What?”
His even breathing told her he’d drifted off to sleep again. Even as she tried to figure a way out of this, her eyelids drooped. His weight had a drugging effect on her. Even as she fought it, her mind shut down and decided that she was safe enough to get some rest.
She woke on a moan. Her eyes opened. She was on her side facing the window. She knew where she was, with who, and that her body was on fire. There was an arm banded around her chest, keeping her in place as Jesse rocked in and out of her.
She had always been a sucker for this position with past lovers. Intimate, but since she was facing away, she didn’t have to maintain eye contact. If the guy knew what he was doing, it was a great position to hit her G spot. Her cheek was flush to the mattress, one hand twisted in the sheets as her body moved with his. His gentle thrusts were driving her crazy. A distant part of her mind screeched, What the hell are you doing? Run! Fight! Instead, she lay there, boneless, wanton, swimming in sleep and sex.
“You with me?” he murmured in her hair.
She shut her eyes against the sunlight seeping through the curtains. Another day, another fuck. When he dropped her in bed last night
, she knew this was how she would wake up. He never failed to take advantage. Her body felt as if it had been doused in peppermint. She was tingling all over as he kept her right on the edge. She was too far gone to put up a fight. His hand brushed over her breasts before it came to the base of her throat.
“Violet.”
She clenched her teeth. Why did he have to talk? He never used to. Why didn’t he just fuck her and get it over with?
“Violet.”
“What?”
He tipped her on her back while he stayed on his side fucking her and draped her thighs over his. His hair was tousled, eyes bloodshot, and he was in desperate need of a shave. His thumb brushed over the apple of her cheek. She didn’t want to see him as he fucked her. While he was behind her, she could suspend reality, but this… She turned her face away.
“Look at me.”
“No.”
He gripped her jaw, forcing her face him. “I told you how I feel about that word.”
She lashed out, but he was ready. He grabbed her wrist and pinned it to the mattress.
“Let me in, Vi,” he growled against her sweaty temple.
“Never!”
He planted himself so deep, she grunted.
“You want me to force you so you can hate me, but deep down you know this is where you want to be.”
“You’re wrong!”
“Am I? Then why are you soaking wet? If you hate this, why are you squeezing me so goddamn tight?”
“Finish it,” she said through clenched teeth.
“I’m not in a hurry,” he said lazily as he changed his rhythm, making her body arch. “I want this to last.”
“I don’t.”
“You don’t always get what you want out of life,” he chided as he kissed the side of her face. “Let me make you feel good.”
His hand coasted down her body and slid between her legs. Her eyes flew open as he rubbed her clit. Her eyes collided with his. He was watching every fleeting expression that crossed her face. He was analyzing and cataloguing so he would have more ammunition against her. She bared her teeth and clawed his arm, but he didn’t budge.
