“You’re what?” Finally finding her voice, she had to fight to keep from swaying sideways. “What did you just say?”
“I love you, Rachel. I should have told you that night at the Yoders’, but I chickened out. I should have asked you to marry me that night, but I didn’t. I made a mistake, and I’m trying to fix it.”
“Wait a minute.” She held up her hands and took a step back. “You made a mistake by not asking me to marry you?”
“Ya. Because if I had, you wouldn’t be with him.” He gestured to Christian, who was glaring at him with open hostility. “Look, I’m not doing this to hurt you. You’re my friend.”
“Some friend. You’re trying to steal my girl.”
“I’m not trying to steal her.” He faced Rachel. “I’m giving her another choice. Rachel, tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you love Christian, and that you want to marry him. If I hear those words, I’ll walk away right now, and I’ll never bother you again. I promise.”
Rachel looked at him, then at Christian. She didn’t say anything for a long moment.
“Rachel?” Christian dropped his arm from her waist. “Tell him. Tell him you love me.”
Turning, she faced Christian. “Do you love me?”
Christian gaped. “Of course I do. Why would you even ask?”
“Because you’ve never told me. I’ve never heard you say the words.”
“Of course I’ve said them.” He frowned. “Haven’t I?”
She shook her head. “Nee. You haven’t. And I need to hear them.”
He lowered his voice. “I love you. I’ll tell you that for the rest of our lives if you need me to.”
“Why? Why do you love me? Better yet, why do you want to marry me?”
Christian backed away. “Wait a minute, why am I the one being questioned here? You should be asking Tobias this. Nee, you should be telling him to leave.”
“I can’t. Not until I have my answer.” Her heart thrummed in her chest, threatening to explode.
“You already know why I want to marry you, Rachel. We’ve talked about this.”
“We’ve talked about where we’ll live, and how many children we’ll have. But we’ve never talked about us, Christian. We’ve never shared our feelings.” Her body shook with emotion. “I’ve never said I love you either. I don’t think you even noticed.”
Christian’s eyes hooded. “Rachel . . . what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I can’t marry you, Christian. Things don’t feel right between us. They never have.”
“Is this because of him?” Christian pointed at Tobias.
“Nee.”
“Then you don’t love him?”
She gazed at Tobias. Handsome, charming, unpredictable Tobias. He drove her crazy, and she knew he always would. Yet she couldn’t imagine living without him.
His mouth curved in smile, one that promised a life of passion, consternation, and love.
“Ya,” she said. “I love him.” Then she turned to Christian. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
“That’s how you really feel?”
Rachel nodded. “Ya.”
Christian shook his head, his shoulders slumping. “I guess there’s nothing more for me to say.” Without looking at either of them, he spun around and went to his buggy. Tobias and Rachel moved out of the way as he turned the vehicle around. When he pulled up alongside them, he stopped. “I do care for you, Rachel. I just want you to know that.”
“I know. I care for you too.”
“But that’s not enough, is it?”
“Nee. It’s not enough.”
He looked at Tobias, his eyes narrowing. “If you ever hurt her, you’ll have me to deal with.”
“I understand.”
Christian slapped the reins on the horse’s flanks and drove off. Rachel turned to Tobias, apprehension suddenly filling her. “Did you mean what you said?”
“About loving you? Ya.” He leaned in closer. “About marrying you? Absolutely. I love you, Rachel. I know my past actions have shown otherwise. All I’m asking for is a chance to prove how much I want to be your husband. To fall asleep with you at night and wake up with you in the morning. To be with you for the rest of our lives . . . until death do us part.”
His words etched themselves on her heart. That was what she needed to hear, and they were words Christian would have never been able to say, not with the sincerity and love Tobias had. Oh, how much she loved this man, more than she ever thought possible. More than anything she wanted to fall into his arms and accept his proposal. But she couldn’t resist holding him off a little longer.
“Well, I do have a wedding dress that’s almost finished.” She tapped her chin with her finger. “Getting married to you would be the practical thing to do, since Mami and Daed have made so many preparations already.”
“I just told you how much I love you and you’re talking about being practical?”
“I can’t help it. I’m a practical woman.”
“And I’ve never done anything practical in my life.”
Rachel grinned. “It’s never too late to start.” She took his hand, surprised by her boldness, yet the gesture felt completely natural. “I can’t wait to marry you, Tobias Byler.”
“Because it’s practical?” Even though the words were said in a teasing way, she could see the faint glimmer of worry in his eyes.
“Nee.” She squeezed his hand, happy to see the joy suddenly reflected in his expression. “I can’t wait to marry you . . . because I love you.”
Chapter 17
Gabe stood on Moriah’s front porch, hesitating to knock. Frankly, her rejection had started to wear on him, and he wondered if he should heed his father’s advice and let her go. But something inside him refused to give up, not yet.
“Father God,” he whispered. “Please, let her open the door to me. Help me to reach her. I can’t do this without you.” Bolstered by his prayer, he rapped on the frame of the screen door. Emma answered right away.
“Gabriel,” she said through the screen. Although Emma hadn’t always been home when Gabe stopped by, he knew she was aware of his frequent visits. Still, she didn’t seem annoyed with his persistence. Quite the opposite. “It’s gut to see you. Wie geht’s?”
“Gut, danki. Is Moriah home?” His standard question, which was always met with Moriah’s standard answer—she was too busy to have visitors. He fully expected to hear those same words from Emma.
“Ya, she is.” Emma opened the door and stepped outside on the front porch. “Rebekkah put Moriah on bedrest this week,” Emma said, her voice nearly a whisper.
His heart jumped with apprehension concerning the midwife’s decision. “Is she okay? Is the baby all right?”
“The baby is fine. It’s Moriah she’s worried about. She’s not getting enough rest, and she won’t listen to anyone when we tell her to take it easy.” Emma sighed. “I never knew my dochder had such a stubborn streak. Rebekkah told her flat out that if she didn’t follow orders, the baby would be in jeopardy. Only then would Moriah listen.”
“Maybe I should come back another time,” Gabe said, even though he didn’t want to leave. This was as close as he’d gotten to her in weeks.
“Nee. She’s asleep on the couch right now. Go in and sit down, then I’ll wake her. I must apologize for her rudeness, Gabriel. You must understand, she hasn’t been herself, not for a long time.”
“No need to apologize. I only want to talk to her for a moment. I won’t bother her too long.”
“Danki.” She smiled. “I know how much you care for her. I was concerned at first. After everything she’s endured, I thought the last thing she needed was another suitor, especially so soon. But I can see that this is different. You’re different. You’re not like . . .”
“My brother?”
Emma nodded.
“You’re right, I’m not. Somehow I have to convince Moriah of that.”
“I know you will, just as you have convinced me. Come, let’s go
inside.”
Moriah awakened from a fitful sleep and rolled on her side, trying to find a comfortable position on the couch. She had wanted to lie down upstairs in her room, but the heat of the day coupled with being in the last two months of her pregnancy made the bedroom unbearable. Even though the front room was several degrees cooler, she still felt too warm. Unable to relax, she sat up and started to reach for a magazine to fan herself with when she heard the front screen door close. Emma walked inside, Gabriel Miller following closely behind.
Her body stiffened as a fusion of emotions tumbled through her. Seeing Gabriel standing in front of her, his brown eyes consumed with hope and trepidation, made her realize how much she’d missed him. But the feelings were intrusive. She’d spent the past two months shutting them down. Why did it take him only a few short seconds for him to revive them again?
“Hello, Moriah.” His deep voice—soft, gentle—sent a ripple of warmth down her spine, causing her to wince. She didn’t need to have this kind of reaction to him. She didn’t want to.
“Gabriel, why don’t you sit down?”
Moriah looked up at Emma, betrayed. Her mother had known she didn’t want to see Gabriel, yet she invited him in. How could she do this to her?
But Emma ignored her as she said, “I’ll bring you both a glass of lemonade. Or would you prefer iced tea, Gabriel?”
“Lemonade is fine, danki.”
As Emma disappeared into the kitchen, Moriah stared down at her lap, fingering the ribbons on her kapp. She heard Gabriel clear his throat, but he didn’t say anything. An uncomfortable silence stretched between them.
“Moriah?” he finally said. “Will you please look at me?”
After hesitating for a moment, she turned. He had taken off his straw hat, placing it in his lap. He ran his long fingers through his brown hair, and not for the first time she noticed his muscular forearms. “Gabriel, I can’t talk to you right now.”
“Then when can we talk? Just name the time and place and I’ll be there.” When she didn’t answer him, he added, “You can’t keep pushing me away, Moriah.”
“I’m not.” She gazed at her lap again.
He let out a bitter laugh. “Oh really? Then what do you call refusing to see me?”
“I don’t have to see everyone who visits me.”
“Moriah, you know that’s not fair.”
She lifted her head. “Fair? You have no right to talk to me about fairness.”
“I reckon I don’t.” He leaned forward in the chair, an intense expression on his face. “Moriah, I know I’ve made a mess of things. I should have told you about Levi and Taylor, but at the time I wanted to protect you.”
“I don’t need protecting. Not anymore.”
“I disagree. You’re vulnerable right now—”
“I’ve always been vulnerable, Gabriel. Idealistic. Always seeing the best in people, even when they showed me their worst. And what did it get me? Nothing.”
“You have a baby,” he said softly.
A stab of remorse ran through her. “Ya. I have a baby. And this child means more to me than anything.” She looked directly at him. “My baby is all I need, Gabriel. I don’t need your concern, or your protection.”
Hurt seeped into his eyes. “That’s not all I’m offering you, Moriah. I’m offering you my heart. My love.”
“I can’t accept it.”
“Maybe not now, but in time.”
She shook her head. “You don’t understand. Time won’t change anything. It won’t change how I feel.” She lied, for even now she could feel him melting her defenses with his loving words. “Find someone else. Don’t waste your love on me.”
“Oh, Moriah.” He got off the chair and knelt down beside her on the couch. “I’m not wasting anything, especially my love. I wish there was a way I could make you see how much I want to be with you.”
“Because Levi told you to.”
“Nee, this has nothing to do with Levi. I regret telling you about what he said, but you asked me for honesty, and I wanted to show you that I will never lie to you, or betray you.”
She closed her eyes. “You’re making promises you can’t keep.”
He rose. “It’s not going to work, Moriah. You can keep me at arm’s length, but that won’t change the way I feel. I will love you forever. But I can’t, and I won’t, force you to love me.” He picked up his hat and put it back on his head. “It’s up to you now, Moriah. All you have to do is say the word and I’ll stay. And if you want me to go . . . I’ll go.”
She couldn’t look at him. For if she did she would never be able to utter the words she had to say, for both their sakes. “Goodbye, Gabriel.”
He didn’t move right away, but then she heard his footsteps on the wooden floor, followed by the bang of the screen door. Only when she heard the faint clip-clop of his horse and buggy on their driveway did she let the tears fall.
Emma entered the room, carrying two glasses of lemonade. She took one look at Moriah and set them on the coffee table, then went and sat down next to her. Gathering her daughter in her arms, she said, “What happened?”
But Moriah didn’t answer her. She couldn’t tell her mother that she had just destroyed her last chance at love. Instead she leaned against her and sobbed.
Later that afternoon, after Moriah had cried herself into a restless sleep, her mother awakened her. “Moriah,” she said softly. “You have another visitor.”
Her eyelids, heavy with sleep, fluttered open. “Who?”
“John Miller.”
Fully awake now, she pushed herself, with some effort, into a sitting position. What was John doing here?
“Do you want me to tell him to come back another time?” She brushed Moriah’s forehead with her hand.
Moriah shook her head. “That’s all right. I’d like to see him.”
A few moments later, John entered the room, his battered straw hat in his hands. Other than at church services, she hadn’t seen him in more than two months, and she realized how much she missed him. Even though she had to cut off any chance of a relationship with Gabriel, she couldn’t do the same to his father. “Come in,” she said. “Have a seat.”
John shuffled inside, and then slowly lowered his body down on the chair. “It’s gut to see you,” he said.
“It’s gut to see you. I’ve missed you, very much.”
“I’ve missed you too.” He looked at the mountainous bulge of her tummy. “How is my grandchild getting along?”
“Fine. Rebekkah said I’m right on schedule with the delivery.”
“That’s great news. I can’t wait to hold him—or her. I remember when Gabriel and Levi were born . . .” He paused, then continued. “What a joyous day that was. Velda and I had never been happier.” A smile appeared on his face, crinkling the corners of his eyes. “I’m sure you’ll feel the same way too.”
She nodded, relying on the joy of her child to block out her pain. “You know you’re welcome to see the baby any time you want. And once I’m back on my feet, Mami and I will bring the babe over.”
“Does that go for Gabriel too?”
Pausing, she said, “I wouldn’t keep him from seeing his own kin.”
“But you don’t want to see him.”
Moriah leaned back on the pillow, averting her eyes from John’s.
“I thought you two were friends.”
“We were.”
“You’re not treating him like much of a friend. He comes to visit you, you send him away. One of these days he won’t be coming back.”
“That would be a good thing.”
John didn’t say anything for a long moment. “I know how he feels about you, Moriah.”
Her head jerked in his direction. “You do?”
“Ya. And I also know why you don’t want to see him. You’re scared.”
Unbidden, tears welled in her eyes. “Don’t I have a right to be?”
“Ya, you do. But you can’t keep running away from
your fear. And ignoring Gabriel isn’t going to help matters.”
She wiped the moisture from her eyes. “Did he send you over here to talk to me?”
“Absolutely not.” John fingered the brim of his hat. “He’d be spittin’ mad if he knew I was over here. And I probably shouldn’t interfere, but I don’t like seeing either one of you stuck on this merry-go-round anymore. Don’t shut him out of your life, Moriah. You’ll come to regret it if you do.”
“But what if I regret letting him in?”
His smile was gentle. “I know you’re hurting from what Levi did you. Everyone understands that, including Gabriel. But that doesn’t mean you have cut him out of your life completely.”
“He wants so much from me. More than I can give.”
“Moriah, for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been a giver. You gave all your heart and soul to my Levi. I loved my boy, but I’m not blind to what he did to you. He ran your well dry, and maybe it’s time for you to get filled up. We all have wounds from this, wounds that the Lord needs to heal. Sometimes He heals you Himself.” John stood, his movements slightly stiff. “And sometimes, He sends others to bandage us up. One thing I know for sure, you can’t be restored on your own.” Picking up his hat, he gave her another smile. “Well, guess I’ve meddled enough for one day. I should be getting back home.”
She noticed the fresh scar on his hand, the one he had injured on the forge. “Are you still drinking your tea?”
“Every night. Though I gotta admit, it tasted better when you made it. Maybe someday you won’t mind making it for me again.” He winked, then turned around and left.
Moriah stared out the window in the front room, mulling over John’s words. Was God’s hand in this after all? Since Levi’s death she had questioned how any of this could be His will. Levi’s leaving, his affair, widowed and left to raise a child alone—this was how God showed His love for her?
Then again, how had she shown her love for Him? By shutting Him, and everyone else, out of her life. By refusing to pray, refusing to seek Him in her pain. No wonder she was lonely and miserable.
The family Bible lay on the coffee table in front of her. She picked it up, letting it fall open in the middle. Psalms. She found the High German language a challenge to read, but she muddled through it.
The Hearts of Middlefield Collection Page 24
